A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I wonder if you can help me with something.My boyfriend who I don't live with yet has a porn site showing on his phone history.I was looking up something yesterday on his phone not thinking for one moment that there would be anything like that on there he had handed me the phone on a particular website we were discussing as I couldn't find the particular article I had been referring to I then went to type in another before he could stop me and Saw pornhub listed as in previous searches.He swears he has never been on this site and doesn't know why it showed. I'm puzzled and hurt as we have an incredibly active love life and have done since getting together a year ago.He has mentioned this very website in the past saying a relative of his looks at it a lot which I believe to be true and I never gave it a thought. It just seems strange that this very site has shown on his phone. And no this relative of his has never had access to his phone.I have an iphone also and when I googled that site today it showed exactly as his did yesterday. My phone has never shown anything inappropriate so it seems very strange.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): I am the original poster of this question.
Yes I've no doubt he was looking at porn but he couldn't be truthful about it. Apparently he typed in the wrong thing and it came up oh please that happens all the time on my phone!!! I type in things and always have porn sites come up its laughable really. He could at least be honest about it. Honesty in a relationship is vital. I may not like it but I can deal with it. I was married for 23 years and if I had been snooping or controlling our marriage wouldn't have lasted anywhere near that length of time.
So please don't try patronising me my marriage lasted longer than so many do. Sadly we drifted apart but we have 2 amazing children from it who are honest, trustworthy and a credit to us both and we are both insanely proud of them.
Did my husband look at porn yes very likely! Did he leave it for me to see?
Never!! And most importantly if he had he wouldn't have lied about it.
In fact if my husband had looked at porn he would have had enough sense to clear his history or not hand me a bloody phone to see it!!!
My partner has said things to me and then the next minute says he never said it. He's done things and then denied it. I'm mean who really does that'? So it's not just the porn issue at all. Why lie about things even trivial things??
My partner was my first love when we were 14 and 16 and we were too young and didn't communicate with each other to really tell each other how we felt about each other and then something happened that ripped us apart. After all those years we found each other again. It's meant to be our second chance and he says I'm the love of his life and I believe him wholeheartedly.
But I've told him that lies and mistrust will destroy us. His response is I'm Imagiining things or believing things that aren't there.
I've told him today the things he has done and said, and then denied saying or doing these things??? no lies no making anything up on my part just facts plain and simple.
He wants to marry me and maybe have a child together all the things I've wanted with him and we have discussed this at length in the past happily.
I don't need to tell him about my previous sexual partners like he constantly does with me and what they did. He gets very jealous about my past partners and there haven't been many considering I was married for so long and completely faithful to my husband.
I've always complimented him and he makes me melt with just a look and we have the hottest love life imaginable.
And until recently I've always believed him and felt myself lucky to be with someone honest so yes this comes as a shock to find he lies.
The sad thing is he knows he's lied and that I know too.
No basis for a relationship let alone a marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2015): He probably was looking at porn. He's a grown man. It's normal and honestly none of your business. If he's not cheating on you then what's the problem. For men porn is an outlet. It's no big deal. It's not like he's watching it in front of you.
He obviously didn't tell you because he's knows how you feel about it. If he's a good guy who happens to like porn then mind your business and stay with him. Just don't go through his phone for any reason.
But if he's a bad guy and this porn business has pushed you over the edge then dump him and move on. I'm sure he can find a woman who's ok with porn. And you can have a good try at finding a guy who doesn't watch porn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015): I am the poster of this question.
Thank you for your comments. It's the idea of lying that gets to me more so than anything else. I don't like porn and have a very strong reason for that and he knows this and why.
I could understand it if we didn't have an incredibly active sex life but the truth is we do more than anyone else I know considering we don't live together yet. It's safe to say it's pretty much every day usually 2 or 3 times
so I don't understand the need for anything else.
To reply to WiseOwl - Did you even read my post???? I clearly stated we were looking at something on his phone!!! He had gone on his phone looking up something we were discussing it could have been mine it wouldn't have mattered to me. I saw something I didn't expect to see and then he lied about it! Lying is something I won't tolerate that is worse than the porn itself!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015): He's been on porn. Just decide if you are happy to be with a man who objectifies women and also supports an industry where he has no idea if they are even adults
Many will tell you it's ok and all men do it . Most men do , not all! Men with morals and who realise they have no way of knowing the girls real ages wouldn't touch those sites !!!
You know he does it so now you choose
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (28 October 2015):
 I don't believe you were snooping at all. because I know exactly what you are referring to when you say it came up in his search history. The very moment you type something starting with P everything else starting with P comes up Pornhub, Porn,pussy whatever so again I get what you mean. Im sorry but unless you are confident in your own skin or sexual being you will more than likely never get the truth. If you are not ok with it then the lies will come. I personally don't like porn because it objectifies women and some of those women/girls are extremely vulnerable and fragile human beings. I understand that there are a portion of women in the industry that are there of the own choice but for those that are not well... how can we make that decision from behind the pc or iPhone. So I guess you have to decide is this going to be something you can handle if so I think it is fair to be having an open conversation. No shame or blame just because porn can become like a third person in a relationship. You can't tell him to stop but you can perhaps set some boundaries. For example not to watch it in ear shot of you, make sure it is cleared from history, not to ask you watch it with him etc. I dunno whatever suits you I'm just throwing ideas about. If it's not something you are willing to tolerate then I would suggest maybe moving on. having said that I can honestly say I dont know of any man that doesn't watch it. I think there is only different degrees and levels of time spent looking-
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (28 October 2015):
It is just naturally in a guy's nature to watch some porn somewhere, sometime. A man can watch porn and still get turned on by you and love you like crazy. Perhaps porn is one reason for that incredibly active love life you enjoy.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 October 2015):
 I think pornhub is the most popular website. Your boyfriend uses it like you use a vibrator (if you do, which I highly recommend!).
It's private and doesn't mean he's with someone else or is not happy with you. It means he's using random images to masturbate to in his down time.
Nothing wrong with that unless he's an addict and it's affecting your sex life and/or his health.
I wish he hadn't lied about it to you, but I'm guessing he was trying to avoid you freaking out over it. My suggestion is not to!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2015): You weren't looking for something through another person's phone. Let's get that straight. You were snooping and in the process found something that shocked you. You confronted him; which is proof you were investigating and seeking evidence to find something wrong with him.
He's a grown man, and too embarrassed to explain to you why he has a porn site on his phone. This sounds like someone's mother monitoring a teen's internet browsing. Yes he'll lie about it, because it is more polite than telling you to mind your own business; or how dare you go through my phone with the lame excuse of looking for something!
Why didn't you look for "that something" on your own phone? It's the typical girlfriend phone-snooping routine, and you'll now always hold suspicion and porn-envy. Once that starts, that's usually when it ends.
Well, now you know it. Does this mean you're going to break-up? It should, if you have a strict rule against porn usage. Don't get me wrong. We all have boundaries, rules,
personal quirks, dislikes, and idiosyncrasies.
Don't force him to make promises he will not keep. No grown man has to explain why he masturbates or what he masturbates to. You are stepping over the line, my dear.
That is far too personal, and men don't like it.
You'll constantly find reasons to look for things on his phone; and keep accidentally looking through his phone history. Chances are he'll dump you first. He'd be justified on principal alone. He's not a child.
You have every right to dump him, if porn gives you pause and angst.
I've been with my boyfriend well over a year and not once has he snooped through my phone, nor I through his. If he has a porn site, I don't care. I trust him and I have my insecurities in check. It's called maturity and mutual trust. Respect for the others privacy. He's not a child I have to monitor, nor am I some idiot he has to put on the spot and interrogate like a porn-Nazi! We do use each others lap tops and tablets. I never check his history. If he checked mine, I could not care less. He finds what he finds! I don't have to worry, we're not like that. I guess we're pretty much over a lot of drama we might have gone through half our age ago. Over 40, nah! Let the kids have all the drama and theatrics. I need some love and peace in my life. I've finally found some. If you go looking for trouble, you'll find it.
Let him know how you feel about it. Then never bring it up again. That's my advice. You googled porn? Now hope your mother doesn't go through your phone history looking for something!
You don't trust him, and now the porn is your excuse to keep him on pins and needles. If he's in our mature age-group, that won't happen for too long.
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