A
female
age
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*aida
writes:Do I abandon a passionless marriage? He loves me, I know -- but he's not in love with me, never has been. And he's trying, he knows we're in deep stuff here. But it's been 20+ years of little romance, an ever-decreasing amount of sex, and such a lack of 'connection' lately. I feel bad -- his efforts, while I recognize them, are just not reaching me. It's like I'm watching from a place outside of my body. Is it a slump or is it permanent? Is there any chance that I'd find someone who loves me for me? Is it possible to find true love anyhow?! Is there such a thing or does it just exist in movies and romance novels? I envy those women who say their husband is their best friend. I cannot relate, though. I know none of you can answer these questions. I'm just at wit's end. Trying to come to a decision in my life. Where to go, what to do ... if anything?! Stay in place, move along -- I just don't know! How I wish a big flashing neon sign would point me in the right direction!! My kids are teenagers, seniors in high school, so while they would certainly be affected by a break up, they'll be off to college soon anyway.
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female
reader, just exist +, writes (5 January 2011):
Hi, I am new here just found this website by accident, have read some of the post here, and the post about being in a loveless marriage for 20 yrs. Describes my marriage to a T!
I have been marrid for almost 31 years now and it has been one awful mess. I have two grown childern. There is no logical reason for me to stay married, except, I depend on my husband to eat and keep a roof over my head. I am very dependent on my spouse and feel like I have now way out. 30 yrs ago. the verbal and sometimes physcial abuse started. We were married only 3 months. (I was also pregnant)that is why I married. I wanted my child to have a father and not grow up with just one parent. I will write more later on the abuse later. The adultry came a couple yrs. later. He didn't admit to me about his affairs until 1990. He has claimed to have been with at least 5 or more women. Some of them I know for sure about. He had the gall to try to get me to have an affair. Ha! But, I didn't I guess he wanted to ease his guilt. He talked to me like I was a cheap woman (in bed) yes TMI, but, it is the truth. I have not had sex with him in 2 yrs. and don't want to either. He doesn't try to have sex with me and I am so glad. I don't need someone like that. I am too young to let myself live like this. I want out, but, I am afraid. He has slapped me several times and pulled my hair. Critizes my cooking constantly. I used to have confidence when I was younger. Getting older now and that just adds to the poor me story. Was going to divorce him 23 yrs ago, but, got pregnant again so I stayed. They have been and still are a good provider. Money wise. But, he doesn't love me and I don't love him. But, neither of us will ask for a divorce. I have looked into getting on a few times, but, I always backout. I don have quit a few work skills, but, not enough to live out of poverty. He has stopped the abuse, because, I told him that I would call the police on him and now he is afraid. Good I hope he stays that way. I will write more later. Thank You.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2010): I've been in a marriage like this for 20 years. Early on, we even went to marriage counseling where my spouse would simply lie to the counselor, saying how willing to change she is.
We moved where my lucrative career field doesn't exist and now says I should have to law school!! I am a college grad.
As the kids grow up and move away, I've no idea how we will stand each other at all.
Certainly try counseling. But if that fails, live apart for a time and see how you feel. You can then decide on your steps.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, JohnnyEngland  +, writes (10 January 2010):
Well, after 50 years in this situation I could write a book but I know that I am certainly not alone in my desperate unhappiness. So after many years of hoping and trying to overcome living a life without love, togetherness, understanding, and just that feeling of being loved, I have to tell you that I am regretting every day that I have lived this life, and I only have myself to blame for getting to this late point in my life before asking 'Can anyone help me'?
I know this must be sounding a bit dramatic on my part but until now I have been up and down this mountain of finding an answer that will work for me, I have decided to share my unhappiness with people who have had the same experience, and who can hopefully offer me some helpful advice or even some comfort to see me through my days.
From the start of our courting relationship there were no sign's of anything less than falling in love, and so it continued into a marriage. On our wedding night nothing happened as my wife was not feeling well and this was to be the case on a very regular basis. We did however manage to have three sons so all was not lost!
Unfortunatelly sex was not the only missing item in our marriage, we had little comunication ability between us, not holding hands or that very important cuddle and caring when a soft voice is telling you that you are loved! In fact I cannot remember ever being told these magic words without me asking if she does care in this way.
I have over the years begged her to show me that I am needed and loved and have made every effort to keep courting her in all the ways I know how too, but it never worked for very long and things were soon back to normal.
I have left our bedroom on many occasions to sleep in a spare room but this proved pointless, I left her for a few weeks but nothing was gained. So five years ago I went for a divorce and just before in was to have been granted I was promissed that things would be different, so I returned to my marriage but after a few weeks we were back to normal.
So here I am right back where I started and still very unhappy in a loveless marriage, so what has all those past years of working hard to make it work done for me?...Nothing and so this is why I am telling you my story in the hope that it might just help someone else not too expect miracles when the signs are so obvious.
By the way, during all these years of my unhappiness I was able to build a very succesful family business and we havs a good standard of living with a beautiful home and several wonderful grandchildren, so all has not been waisted in my life......But take it from me that 'All the good things in life are free' you just have to be among those lucky one's who are in a good marriage and a loving relationship to go with it.
My own story could fill many more pages of just what has happened over 50 years in a Loveless marriage, thankfully I am still a youthful 70+ year old man who travels quite a lot to see what life is like in this beautiful world, I have always had to travel alone as this has been another contention with my marriage that my wife does not like holidays so I am always a lone traveller! So you still think you have problems? Well, let my story be a lesson for you and please do not end up alone in your 'Heart' fill it back up with happiness as soon as you see the oportunity. If you have any comforting advice to pass on. I would be happy to hear from you. Take care. John
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2009): i too live in a marriage that is loveless ,we walk around each other like strangers,and have stayed in this situation for twelve years.WIth promises of a return to physical side returning, i now know as he has just told me it is something that he does not need .I now have two grandchildren of two and ten of which the younger one is besotted with grandad but i am well and truly stuck again .Do not wait for something to change it wont! you will just waste away waiting for something that cant be changed get out now asyou will grow old not knowing if you could have found love again'
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): I don't have an answer for you, but I am in a similar situation, so unhappy, sexless (by choice) marriage. It is so depressing, but I keep up the front for the 2 children, My husband is 13 years older than I. So I have decided to stay for the kids. This would truly broke their hearts. Married for 16+ years. We talk, but less and less each conversation. I am just fed up, but will not hurt my children whom are both under 17.
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female
reader, Isola Bella +, writes (8 July 2007):
I can fully sympathise with your situation as I am in a similar position - been married 15 years to someone who cannot communicate with me, shuts down when I try to get close and prefers to spend his evenings rotting in front of a tv flicking from channel to channel rather than spend time with me. I've tried everything to get him to open up and to let him know that I need him and need to bond with him - all to no avail. So, these days I am teaching myself how to re-connect with MYSELF i.e. I've made lists of things I have always wanted to do and denied myself those things in order to please my husband - but of course he never even noticed that I exist, apart from the times when I got so fed up with being treated like I didn't matter, packed my bags and my kids and walked out. That would normally wake him up! My plan is that I will give my children 100% of all that I am in order to give them the best foundation on which to build the rest of their lives. In the same token, I am going to learn to give MYSELF all the love and care that I know this man never can, never will and never intends to give me. In many ways I am very sad that he will never know the amount of love he is missing out on, but I am also excited that I have finally found the strength to stop crying myself to sleep at night because I am so lonely and instead I am investing my time and energy into planning the things that I want to do for me e.g. I wish to take a cruise down the nile, walk the Great Wall of China, book a spa weekend, get a nose piercing (something he is dead against) etc. It's been a long and painful journey into self-acceptance, but just like peace on earth - it all begins with me! By taking good care of me and nurturing myself and re-building my connection with God, I can set myself free from someone who doesn't appreciate me and open up a world of opportunities for me to be loved, love and loving in so many other ways. Don't wait around for someone who doesn't even know you're there, by doing so you are denying yourself so much more in life, plus you are like the living dead! Bring love into your life YOURSELF - it all starts with you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): You should consider marriage counseling, it can really help - even if it just makes it crystal clear that you need to leave him. Also, there are 2 books that might help you a little.
One is called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" and is a step by step guide to deciding whether to get out of a relationship. (author is Mira Kirshenbaum). It gives you some things to think about to help you decide if you should end it. The other is called "Coming Apart" by Daphne Rose Kingma" and is about why relationships end and "how to live through the ending of yours." It might help you understand how to deal with it if you leave.
good luck, I know this is painful for you.
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (25 June 2007):
 I can totally relate to what you're going through. I too have spent 20+ years in a marriage that no longer fits my needs. I married the 'strong-silent-type' so our coversations have always been one-sided. He was always been distant and I haven't ever felt the kind of closeness that other women feel for their men. But I know he loves me. In the bedroom my attraction for him has slipped away completely...or did it ever exist? I sometimes think I married the "safe" guy because he was comfortable and solid, but then later I longed to feel the earth move. There are no easy answers but I am currently separated from my spouse. I want a divorce but he's taken the news so badly, I fear he will kill himself once he realizes I'm not coming back. Only you can decide what is best for you. I've spent alot of years, dreaming and fantasizing about other men; longing to be with someone that I truly connect with. But everything has a down-side. The man who knocks my socks off, may well have a terrible temper, or a horrible addiction problem. I've often wondered if we just trade problems -- one thing for another -- you gain some things, but you lose others in the process. Weigh everything carefully. If you do not think counseling will help the two of you become close again, then you should consider moving on. Just be sure you're comfortable being alone because you may not find another person who suits you for a very long time. This is one thing that kept me in my marriage - the fear of being alone. I wish you the best.
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male
reader, rcansaw +, writes (25 June 2007):
 You only have one life.....everyday you live unhappy....is a day you will never get back! Best wishes!
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Have you two tried to work on the marriage? Have you gone for help? IF the answer is yes and you're no longer in love with each other, move along. If you haven't tried to fix things, give it a good shot.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Some of the issues you raise here are beyond me. But I think I can offer some help.A friend of mine was in a situation like yours and he decided to stay with his wife until his children were old enough. When he finally broke the news to them, the youngest daugher, supposedly the one to be most hurt, asked him why he had waited so long. Children feel it when there's no love between the parents, and that can be very damaging. Maybe more than a divorce.What will you do when your children are gone? How are you two going to live together?Maybe there are lots of problems going on and you have kept them muffled all this time.If I were you, I would leave the marriage. But, I would get ready to the fact that maybe I would never find the partner of my dreams.There will be no neon sign, madam, and that's good: your life will be what you make it to be. There's a Spanish songs that says it all: "walker, there is no road: you make the road as you walk". If I were you, I would make a mental list of all of my fears and hopes, dreams, whatever, and I would decide on that basis.Is there any way for you to know what is going through your husband's mind?I wish I could help you more than I have.Good luck.
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female
reader, myp +, writes (25 June 2007):
 If youre not happy, leave. You deseve to be in a relationship where the other person really loves you. The real kind.
-Myesha
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