A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I've been in a happy relationship for over a year now but someone from my past has recently come back onto my mind. This happened with my last partner: I just randomly started thinking about this person and realised I was not really over him. This guy was someone I used to sleep with, someone who treated me like dirt and someone who took my self esteem to a low level I never though possible. He is a horrid person and the things he said about me and how he used me still hurt me today. I'm also still very angry at myself for allowing him to do that to me for all that time. Anyway, now I'm in a happy relationship with someone who treats me like a princess but recently, I've been thinking about this person again. I don't think I still have feelings for him but I'm dreaming about him and when I see him, although I feel anger, there's also some attraction there.Is this me torturing myself for letting him treat me this way? Am I bored in my new relationship? I must admit, I was never bored with him, although he wasn't nice. I don't want to wreck what I have and would never go back to being treated like this but what is it about girls and the guys that treat them badly? Does everyone have that person that they never really get over, never really have closure from? Thanks
View related questions:
my ex, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): Are you actually sympathsizing for your ex. Are you missing that toxic crap he dished out to you? Soo many women do what you do. They lived with abuse and fear. You won't allow yourself closure..you won't see what he 'really was". You always looked for evidence of hope – a small sign that the situation may improve. So now, sympathy has developed toward your ex and it's a familair sad scenario. We often hear victims defending their abusers with "I know he fractured my jaw and ribs…but he's troubled. He had a rough childhood!" Sheesh! When an abuser/controller shows the victim some small kindness, even though it is to the abusers benefit as well, the victim interprets that small kindness as a positive trait. So why do you feel you don't derve a haelthy happy love? I am not saying this is you but..one of the single biggest predictor for picking abusers for a lot of women, is they grew up with abusive males (father, brothers, etc) for role models. In later life, this is what confused them. They mistakenly thought that abusers had confident, desirable strong, protective traits. Where in actuality, it was cruel and unrelentless meanness. They couldn't distinquish the difference. A strong, confident man never, ever abuses. He honors, respects and protects his family.
So I have to say, likely the allure, the challenges, the misplaced erotic excitement of taming a broken man (or bad boy) is getting to you. All the fighting, the sorrow, the heartache, the emotional pain of wondering, was likely very, very exciting for you. What contributes to a woman thinking this way and loving a bad boy? Emotional immaturity and your own sense of self-esteem are huge motivators. Not rationalizing, not thinking clearly nor maturely and not asking why "you deserve this crap". No woman does. You have to know all this fear and feeling low was not love- you were stuck in a cycle of abuse, low self-value and he fed into that. That had become a familiar pattern in your life, but--is this what you called a life?
You are now in a happy, healthy relationship, now. So what purpose are you serving, by continually missing the the pain and the abuse. You simply craved the exciting feeling..the challenge of possibly changing this bad boy into a good, decent person. It's a useless way to think and serves no purpose in your life, now. Put this jerk out of your mind, once and for all. Because if you keep this up you will be risking something healthy, meaningful and long lasting (your current partner) for something immediate (the ex) but has absolutely no lasting value. Be very careful and take a long, hard look at yourself and if you can't get answers...get into counselling. They might help you put things into perspective. Good luck and stay strong and steady, dear.
A
female
reader, lovestough +, writes (14 November 2006):
i think you should forget about your ex he sounds like a lowlife dirtbag, concentrate on your boyfriend now. he treats you like you always wanted. if your bored with him try spicing it up a bit, work on your relationship, dont give up on it. i think everyone has someone who they will always fancy and cant forget but they dont act on there feelings. you would be giving up a great relationship to go back to a miserable one.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006): It's madness the weird tricks our brains can play on us. Why? I just don't know. It has happened to me. It's as if we are on a self destruct course. We get something really good and we have to drag something horrible into our minds as if to justify something that not there and shouldn't be.
Everytime you think about him then put him in a situation when he was really horrible to you. Think of the degredation that surrounded it. Then think of how your new bf is so lovely. Gradually you will learn how to push these horrible people into a nook and lock them away. Please don't jeapardise your new relationship cos of some rubbish.
Hope you have a great future. Don't worry we are all the same but it's how we as individuals handle it that matters.
Take care xx
...............................
|
