A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a married separated man in mid 40's, i have been separated for 5 years and am still friends with wife, we see each other 3 times a week but there is no sex.I have had 2 serious relationships in the past 5 years, niether worked out because both the ladies wanted commitment which i could not give, marriage and babies.Also niether was very good in bed, i am a highly sexual passionate man .A year ago i became friendly with a co worker, was aware she is married, we began e-mailing each other, she told me about her marriage problems, and how her sex life was stale, it was clear she liked me a lot.We agreed to meet for coffee and in the last 9 months we have been seeing each other 2 - 3 times a month.She is 49, her husband is a lot older, she is very experienced sexually and passionate and we are 100% compatible.I do not want any commitment with her, just friendship and good sex, she hates it when i say this is friends with benefits.Recently she wanted to end it, she said she had enough of me being cold, but admitted the sex was fantastic, she ended it, i felt lost without her, missed the good sex.Then an e-mail asking if we can be friends, i agreed and she invited me to her apartment, ( in the 9 months we had been seeing each other she had never invited me, saying it would be so wrong in the marital home to do anything)It had been 2 months that we had not seen each other, i went to her apartment and we had sex in the bathroom there.Thenlast week she came to my apartment aand we had sex again, it was crazy wild, and i relaised how much i missed her, however there was something different in her demeanour this time.After sex we always snuggle up together for an hour, sometimes she will massage me and use her fingers on my back which i enjoy, there is a real feeling of closeness, we talk and laugh together and share a drink before she leaves, this has happened every time.This was the 2nd time since we were apart that we had sex, ( prev was in her bathroom) and she came into my bedroom, put her keys on the side, took her clothes off, and we had the same great sex, but then after she got up, got dressed immediately, and i could see she was ready to go.I had always made it clear to her before that we can never be anything but friends, i am too busy with my uni studies and i do not want my daughters or wife to ever find out i have a lover, the other 2 prev relationships were kept hidden too.But i can't understand her different attitude.She is a warm person who loved to lay by my side, and this time i really did miss the closeness, the sex was excellent.Can anybody give me any ideas why a woman behaves that way, up, dressed and ready to go immediately when previously she was all warm and loving after the act, she did not kiss me goodbye, she used to always say when are you going to call me? We had a brief 5 minute talk in the car, i kissed her hand, then she went.I am confused.
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co-worker, friend with benefits, married woman, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): so you're here cos you're more concerned about the relationship (or lack thereof) with your mistress than the relationship (or lack thereof) with your wife.
you should be ashamed of yourself for cheating on your wife and now whining and complaining that your mistress isn't fulfilling you. I know you said you're 'separated' but as long as you're not divorced you're still married and committing adultery (so get the divorce already if you want to mess around with other women!)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 I know she is married.That does not prevent her from wanting to receive from her lover as much warmth ,intensity and devotion as she gives, and from being emotionally unfulfilled by a "light", superficial relationship.
That she dragged this on herself, yes. That she would /could have expected more MUTUAL intimacy and connection, yes too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): what did you expect? you're the one who told her you didn't want any commitment and you want it to be just physical no attachment, that it was just FWB. So...she took your word for it, cut off the emotions to make it just physical, and now you're complaining???
this is your own doing.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Ditto to the other posters, PLUS
Cuddling, chatting, kissing, etc are all parts of EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.
You can not offer that. She is being sensible and taking the arrangment for what it is and not getting her heart involved.
You are cold! You want all the benefits of a relationship with none of the accountability.
This type of arrangment DOES have an expiration date!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 June 2011):
I agree with all the other posters, with a twist : I don't think she is giving you a taste of your own medicine on purpose. She just gave up. Emotions seem like a waste now.
You can go through the gestures of love only for so much before realizing how empty and ridicolous they are without actual love. Affection, closeness , cuddles on one hand - and on the other , a secret relationship that nobody can't ever know about, no committment, coldness, no plans, quality time only in bed. It can get stale and draining pretty soon. Might as well just f**k.
Not that this is all your fault- she is married !, she should have known better, she knew she should not even have started an affair, and that when she did she could not expect for much more than what she got. And yet, she did not find the affair as emotionally nourishing as she needed and now she's taking her distances.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is married and living with her husband.Thankyou for your answers.
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A
male
reader, airwaterearthfirebender +, writes (28 June 2011):
 Hi You Wish, you pretty much nailed my sentiments exactly.
Personally I can't rationalize being a very passionate man and being involved in a FWB. She was giving passion that you the OP was interpreting as just sex. It appears you want all the love, sex, and passion of a committed relationship but without the commitment. Frankly, I was never one to separate love from sex. My thinking is if you don't love them then don't have sex with them.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 I agree with You Wish. The fact that she wanted to end it is the moment when the emotional separation happened. The physical separation will ensue. But it shouldn't be a problem.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 June 2011):
 It's simple. This is what you want, and she has decided to match your feelings.
Understand, that the long cuddles afterwards, the loving attitude, the massages, those are all expressions of feelings.
In a sense, she stopped them because you stopped her. In saying that you want no relationship, you want no knowledge that she's even connected to you, you being cold to her, and she has complied with your wishes.
You can't have the emotion of a relationship if you don't want the relationship. Plain and simple. You wanted to use her for sex, and now she is treating you the exact same way. You're getting a taste of your own medicine. That's not saying it's bad or good. You're in a friends with benefits.
Eventually, she will find someone new that loves her, and she is going to lavish her energy, affection, and passion on him. He will do the same without coldness or reservation.
Enjoy your friendship while it lasts. Something tells me that it won't last much longer. She is separating from you emotionally, and physical separation is not long afterwards.
She's going to leave you. FWB is a raw deal. It worked for her when she was married, but now she wants a man who loves her. Until then, she'll use you until she gets tired of you. Don't be surprised. You wrote the rules.
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