A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:For the last 12 weeks I have been considering leaving my wife of 2, emotionally up and down years. I'm an immigrant and don't have many 'close' friends to discuss my/our problems. I'm seeking advice.Situation: I immigrated to the US over two years ago to marry my then long distance girlfriend of 3 years. While dating we saw each monthly, relationship was up and down. We're both in our mid twenties with no kids. We were both committed to the relationship and, as far as I know, we've been faithful throughout.Problems: Our communication skills are extremely poor. I don't like living in the US (sorry Americans), and she doesn't understand nor does she want to leave. We're both currently unemployed (her since November, I've been unemployed off and on since December as we've been moving around trying to find a good 'fit'). She shows no sign of wanting to work. I find her controlling and my friends and her family have both mentioned how poorly she treats me. On all levels, we share few commonalities (active life, social life, political ideologies, professional aspirations, sex life is, well, kind of weird and unfulfilling (I know she feels that same, etc.). I feel like I can't express myself (hence this post) as I'm both nervous about her reaction (she often attacks my thought processes) and it seems like everything I say or do is a source of contention through which she channels her anger (she's non-violent). Again, when I try to talk about things, she typically walks away to 'get space'. If I try and follow her to discuss about it further, she clamps up and becomes emotional. After several hours or a night's sleep, we both act like nothing has happened (e.g. we got in a fight earlier and she just came to say hi like nothing had happened). Despite my protests, we don't sleep in the same bed anymore. I've always felt that I'm not 'good' enough for her (mostly my intellect). But the main problem is that she's lazy. She'll admit it, but it doesn't change anything.Looking back, I don't think I wanted to get married, but did it anyways (for lack of options? IDK). She was my first 'serious' girlfriend, but I still think of how much happier life would be with other women; something common throughout our whole relationship. I would like to do a lot more in life (traveling, education (grad school)), but she shows very little interest in these things and ofter posits reasons to the contrary (money, time, etc.).One thing we did talk about early in our relationship, though, is that if either one of us ever wanted to leave each other, we would do it before we did soemthing that would really hurt the other person (i.e. adultry). To me, this is very unfortunate, but we both agreed that things may not work (divorce rates). Again, leaving her has always been on my mind and i worry that I'll keep our relationship going and still feel the same way. I feel selfish wanting to leave her, either temporarily (i.e. go back home for a couple of weeks) or permanently. Happy times are short lived; awkward/angry times dominate our daily lives. We're possibly relocating again in a couple of weeks. I want to take a break to see if marriage is what I currently want/if I should be married to her. I don't know what to do about my feelings. I really believe separating would be the most reasonable choice.This is my first advice seeking attempt. :(
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female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (23 June 2010):
 It doesn't sound like you have much of anything in common with her. Nor does it sound like she's willing to sacrifice or compromise with you to get anything less than what would make her 100% happy. It does not sound like a lasting relationship and it's not selfish of you to leave a situaiton which does not make you happy. Your life is not long enough to spend wondering, regretting, and fretting.
A
female
reader, shnookims  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 It looks like you already have the answers to whatever questions you're asking....
You're not happy with ANYTHING about the relationship. If you take a break you might miss the company ( having been in a relaitonhship for so long) and then go back to her for comfortability. None of your issues will have been resolved and you'll be back where you are now.
If you feel as though you can't leave right now, sit her down and tell her EXACTLY what you feel. Don't allow her to interupt your thoughts but give her a chance to have her say as well.
Seperating is not only the most reasonable but the most logical, in this case.
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A
female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Hi Hunny
If you are feeling this way you have to talk to your wife and really explain what you are feeling and wanting out of this relationship and out of life, The sooner you do this I feel you will feel better..
It sounds very much to me as if you went into this marriage without really knowing much about each others needs. You both obviously want and need different things.
Its very important to be honest and talk. I hope this helped a little Take care with love mandy xx
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (23 June 2010):
IT IS OKAY TO BE SELFISH. This is your one and only life, my man. You sound highly incompatible and like you really aren't in love. Looking back on life, we tend to regret not the things we do, but the things we don't do.
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