A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need some advice. I feel like I'm dying a slow painful death. I've been with my bf for 3 years. We're the same age. We aren't living together but spent our weekends/a couple days a week together. We've been through, and overcome, a lot in this relationship which is why I'm so devastated right now. Several months ago we hit a rough patch and started fighting. Usually, it was over stupid petty bullshit and it got to the point we didn't like being around each other as often so our seeing each other/talking has currently slowed down.About 2 months ago my bf started distancing himself, not texting me as often nor making effort to see me as much. There was actually a few weeks we hadn't saw each other because neither of us really made the effort because we didn't want to risk getting into a fight.I saw him last Tuesday and he's text me every day since telling me he loves/misses me but he's still emotionally distant. I've asked him if there's someone else and he's told me no, and never done anything to make me believe he's unfaithful in our entire time together so I don't believe this is a case of him being with someone else.I feel like he's trying to make me leave him by making himself less and less available. He says he doesn't want to break up and isn't trying to dump me. But, I don't believe that part. I believe he's unhappy and wants out but won't do the dirty work. The problem with this is I don't feel the same. I still very much love him and am not wanting to break up. I'm wanting to try and fix things. I'd rather fix things than have to just walk away from him. Oh god, this hurts so bad. I can't stop crying today. I feel like my world is ending. This man, he means so much to me. I'm still in love with him. :'(Now, here's the confusing part for me. When I get fed up and walk away from him, he's there texting me and trying to talk to me like nothing's wrong. Then I start to think maybe things will start to get better, and then I'm right back at square one. I tell him if he's unhappy to go on with his life, but he won't fully let me go either. It's like he doesn't want to work things out but doesn't want to fully walk away from this.He text me this morning and said "i love you, working today and tomorrow", which is his way of not seeing me this weekend. This is the worst pain I've ever been through. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wish he'd just dump me and get it over with so I can go through the grieving process. It hurts worse to have to walk away from him when I don't want that. I don't know what to do. /3
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 October 2013):
 Get a hold of yourself OP...things are never as bad as they seem. You need to talk to your boyfriend about this and trust me, communication is the key in every relationship. You should be able to talk and get your point across the table without feeling hesitant.
Explain to him the way you're feeling. Tell him that it bothers you that you're drifting apart. Ask him if there's a problem that you can help him with. Sometimes a simple, frank, honest talk can do wonders for the relationship.
If you still feel he isn't responding and making as much of an effort as you are, then maybe it might be time to take a break and re-evaluate your relationship and maybe even move on. Why give up the best years of your life for someone who might not even deserve them? Sometimes things just happen for the best and maybe some time down the line, you'll realize that you're happier without him and maybe this is how things were meant to be.
When my boyfriend broke up with his ex, he was devastated. He couldn't envisage a life without her but now that he and I are together in love and happier than either of us have ever been in our lives, he tells me every day that his break-up with his ex was the best thing that could have happened to him...otherwise he would never have met me.
What I'm trying to say is, you WILL feel crushed and devastated because that's how we have all felt at some time or the other when the relationship hasn't worked out. It feels like its the end of the world and you feel like collapsing on the floor and crying. Been there OP, done that. But after that, its time to get back up, dust yourself and move ahead. That's what we've all done too OP, most of us, at least. And believe me, when the hard part's gone, you'll be happy that its over and you're free. At least you know where you stand and the constant hide and seek is over.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 October 2013):
 he may not necessarily be trying to end the relationship or have you end it. he may not want out. maybe he's just burned out and feeling over-burdened. it's possible he just feels like you do and is so stressed from fighting, that he just needs some time.
i've felt like this before. i very much loved my partner, but started fighting so much that i avoided being around them and contacting them as much as to kinda rejuvenate and get back on track. being around someone you constantly fight with is exhausting. especially when you DO love them and you don't want the relationship to fail. but you also don't know what to do to make the fighting stop.
could you both take a break? maybe for a week or so? i know breaks are rough, but it can also be a wonderful thing. it can make you miss each other and realize why you love each other, and how much you hate not having each other in yours lives. in other words, you stop taking each other for granted.
if you don't want to do this, could couples counseling be a possibility? would he agree to go? if you can get to the bottom of why you're arguing so much, you both can get back on track and go back to enjoying being together.
i think the best thing you can do right now, as hard as it is, if he won't go to counseling, is to back down a bit. i know it hurts, but it will only make matters worse if you wind up fighting even more when he doesn't come see you or call you as often as you'd like. even though it's upsetting you, just kind of give him his space. i would be willing to bet that the more space you give him, the less space he will want, and will start to come back to you. try that out. see if it works.
lastly, sometimes, people just grow apart. i've experienced this before. i was in a three year relationship like you, and in the last few months, it just got unbearable. we couldn't be around each other for more than an hour before we were visciously fighting. we both loved each other deeply, but we realized we just weren't right for each other, as you cannot have a healthy relationship while fighting that much. so we let each other go. it hurt for a long time, but it was for the best.
when two people are compatible, fights shouldn't happen that frequently. of course, couples go through rough patches. that's normal. all couples fight. but with that kind of frequency, it may just mean you two aren't good together anymore. i know it's not what you want to hear, but people do change. and it sucks.
but my overall advice would be to try to remain patient for a while. give him some space. if it's meant to be, he will come back. if it's not, he will take that space and move on.
good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2013): We sometimes don't know when and how to behave. We have to face a loss, or have a near-death experience to appreciate life, and what we have. Regret comes when we look back and think of a thousand ways we "could have" handled something better. We realize how we let our own demons take over, and hurt other people; because we refused to face and admit to our own faults.Sometimes some people spend a whole life time pointing the finger, there are times we make excuses; or try to take all the blame. None of these are right; because we didn't use logic to analyze the situation and fix it. Emotions took over, and things get out of control. That's why you're where you are now.This is a time for contemplation and introspection. A time to give each other space to breath, and to face adulthood. He still tells you he loves you; because he does. There are things that stand between you that you can't seem to fix, and it continuously gets in the way. Maybe this is your crossroads. Prepare for the worse and hope for the best.What do you fight most about? How frequent are the fights over the same issue? Is it money? Cheating? Trust issues?Sex? All of the above?You can't just hang-on to a relationship; because you're used to the fighting. Only putting the issues aside and keeping the peace; only as long as it takes until something else flares up. Sweeping your differences under the rug, because you're always at an impasse. Everybody thinks they're right, and the other is wrong. Agreeing to disagree, is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's an excuse to stick your head in the sand. Not face the truth. That only feeds and builds resentment. That leads to more intense fighting.People get older, and they do get tired of dealing with the same old problems with the same people, the same way, and there seems no way to just stop. So you've been through a lot together; it's time to lay down your weapons. If it takes distance between you to make peace; settle for that for the moment. Everyone needs time to think. You've both pushed it to the limit; now you're scared of losing him? He's distant? Just get it over with?How about talking without anger, and using this time to discuss the problems like two adults? Nothing gets solved overnight. Problems in a relationship may take years of effort to sort things out, and fix them. That's how complicated relationships can be. We're dealing with emotions. We're dealing with insecurities, things that hurt us in the past; even things our own parents did to us. So it's not easy. If your two heads are screwed on backwards; you'll never make sense to yourself, or anyone else. So fix yourself, it's not his job. He has to fix himself; it's not your responsibility to change him to fit into the mold you designed for him. Therefore; conflict continues.You both need some time off, and a time-out. You're both exhausted. You're drained and don't know how to talk about what you need, what you want, and how to listen. You let anger take over and all you do is shout; and nobody really listens until things go silent between you. Then the silence is deafening.Let him alone. Start healing anyway. This is time to work on yourself; and decide if you even want to be in this relationship anymore. If you're just sick of what it is; stop just hanging on for old time sake. Avoiding having to take care of yourself. You can't use other people to prop you up. That why we have brains, skeletons, and our own backbones. Even the disabled have to learn to survive on their own. Crutches are to lean on, not other people.You've held on for three years and now maybe your relationship has run its course. People get on each others nerves; because they really want to let go. They're too afraid of the unknown, and what being alone might be like. Scared to face the discomfort of withdrawal of their addiction to each other. Love might have changed for one of you. Fighting is the only way you know how to communicate. Together only out of force of habit. Claiming love is the reason. You don't beat love with a stick and nasty arguments, and then sit back and cry woe is me.Pretending you can handle strife over loneliness. Nope, that doesn't work. Whether you want to let go or not, circumstances do change on their own. You don't always get to make a choice. Chances and opportunities do run out.Start getting used to peace and quiet. Calm your nerves and give each other some space. Write down what you think is wrong and ways you think they can be fixed. Don't expect him to listen; or even want to do what you suggest. You're the one who wrote this post. So you're the one who has to deal with your own feelings. Sticking around hasn't made things any better, has it? Text messaging is just checking in. You have to have a heart to heart. Just talk it out. One issue at a time. Might take over a course of months to handle one problem at a time. Then practice what you preach. Not just sit around screaming what's wrong with the other, and volleying blame back and forth. You're no longer children.Put emotions aside and use your logic and maturity to resolve problems. Get your mind off of making up and getting back together. That's just your insecurities clinging on. You're apart, because you can't be together for too long; before you're at it again.You need the separation, and only need time together to compromise and negotiate. Then return to your respective corners. You need to ease your grip, the one clinging the tightest usually has the most insecurities. Men aren't as emotional as women. So don't expect him to react the same as you do. Both genders have the same feelings and emotions; but express them differently. We hurt equally. It may not always show.Your co-dependencies have held you together; not reason and maturity. Stop talking about what you want for the future, spending life together, and all that emotional stuff.Talk about the present. Air your issues, and resolve your differences like sane human beings. If he won't talk, let him go. It means he has thrown in the towel, or isn't smart enough to. Either reason will piss you off. There is a point where you have to throw up your hands in defeat. Move on with out him.If he wants to work it out, he'll be willing to meet you halfway. Either way, you still have work to do on yourself.I tire of men taking all the blame. If you want a relationship to work, be open to criticism. If he's abusive, cheats, doesn't man-up to his responsibilities; it's time to kick his ass to the curb.All the nagging in the world doesn't change an asshole.Using love as an excuse for foolishly staying in a hellhole of a relationship, is just waiting for the mess to implode. You'll end up a scarred and wretched mess. All relationships to follow doomed to failure; because nothing was learned. If you know you're the reason for all the problems; then he's the one who needs to get it together; and finally be man enough to push you out of his life, so he can find someone he deserves. You just may not be right for each other. You have to survive regardless. Gather your strength and preserve your dignity. Get a grip.Tough to swallow? That's what being grownup is all about.This post is for the both of you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 October 2013):
I'm sorry about the pain this is causing you. It'll get better, it just takes time.
Here's what's happening right now. Your boyfriend still loves you, but has had enough of the fighting. You guys had the chance to fix things, but didn't and this is the result. You can't wait until your relationship is over to want to fix things, by then it's usually too late.
The reason he's still in contact with you is because it makes it easier for him to let go if it's gradual. It's easier than quitting "cold turkey".
The only, and I mean it %100, the ONLY thing you can do is to break up with him. I know that you feel like that's the last thing you want to do, but any other choice will prolong the inevitable. If you break up with him and stop contacting him (block his phone, that way you're not constantly checking it; he can contact you via email or Facebook), you'll have one of two things happen: he'll either miss you and decide he wants to try to make it work, or he won't and you'll be on your way to getting over him.
If he decides he wants to work on things, take it slow, otherwise you risk jumping right back into things and making the same mistakes all over again.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (19 October 2013):
Pull yourself together, woman! I know, easier said than done.
I totally empathize with you, I've been through this plenty of times. It sucks! I'm currently experimenting with a guy that I've been seeing with this because he's been doing the same exact thing (distant, not calling, etc.). Through my "research" aka, Google and YouTube, you pretty have to tell him that what he's doing is pretty much bullshit and you're not going to settle for that because you deserve better, you basically end it, and don't talk to him for a while.
Yes, I know. It's pretty much playing games. But really, does anyone want to settle for being an option to their significant other? No. You know in your heart he's not making you happy and you feel the distance. So give him LOTS of distance since he's being a silly jackass. But you do have to actually take proactive steps in moving on (even though you really don't want to right now). It's really hard at first ignoring him and trying to act like you don't care, but it actually becoming easier and empowering and I actually feel like it's easier to move on than trying to hold on to him...and trust me, I was missing him everyday and feeling really sad. But now, I still miss him and would like to see him, but I am feeling a bit more free. Of course I hope he'll come around and realize he was being a jerk. But if not, I'm becoming okay with it.
So in the end, you should just tell him he's not doing enough, cut your ties, and let him be on his merry way. If it's meant to be, he'll come back around and hopefully realize he made a mistake. If not, then he's just not the right guy for you, but just remember that you WILL be okay, even though right now you're feeling totally crushed and heartbroken. It'll go away, just be strong.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (19 October 2013):
 'Look at what a man DOES...NOT what he SAYS'
He's pulling away from you and distancing himself and the 'I love you's' are a band aid so he doesn't have to feel too guilty.
Right now you need to act the complete opposite to how you feel. You have to act like you don't care about not seeing him. If he texts to say he's working all weekend, text back and say 'OK that works for me because i'm seeing some friends'
It looks like he is making for the door, so he probably won't respond to your sadness and depression because NO man ever wants to deal with that!!...so don't show it.
If you act like you don't care...he's going to wonder why!!
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