A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupids, I really hope you can help me because I'm quite upset at the moment. I am 27 and really quite shy. I've always been like this, and although I've tried lots of things to become more confident such as online courses and self help books (and I'm much better than I was), I can't seem to get over it at all. This is one thing I really don't like about myself and would change in a heartbeat if I could as I'd love to be more social and chatty but when it comes to it I freeze and panic and my mind goes blank. Until I get to know people that is, then I can be really chatty. Or if I've had a few drinks (which I try not to do because I don't want to rely on that).Anyway I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and always felt glad that he accepted me for who I am, but the other day he told me my social skills are rubbish and he doesn't understand why I don't just stop being shy. I'm really hurt by this. Probably because he's hit a nerve but I can't stop thinking I'm a complete failure now because it obviously bothers him as much as it bothers me. I tried to explain why I'm upset but he doesn't see why. I also tried to explain that it's not as easy as just getting over it or I'd have done that years ago but he's super loud and confident and he totally doesn't get it. Since then I've remembered a conversation we had last week where he was talking about a guy he works with and how he always feels like this guy is up to something because he doesn't talk much or make much eye contact. I said he sounded shy and my bf said 'unlucky because there are lots of people out there to speak to' with no hint of sympathy for this man (who sounds much worse than me as I can easily manage the eye contact thing now - I couldn't as a teen though). Maybe I'm paranoid but I can't help thinking that was directed at me now.I suppose I'm asking if there is anyone out there who has ever overcome being really shy and socially awkward and if so how? I'm so tired of feeling like everyone thinks I'm weird including my own boyfriend now :( I've managed to do so much on my own but it's still affecting my life every day and I'd love to be free of it forever. Thank you so much in advance.
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (20 October 2013):
 Hi there.
You sound very much the same as me. I also used to have a boyfriend who was very loud, confident and charming. People loved him. Sometimes he also got frustrated with me for my shyness and couldn't understand why I couldn't just, go and talk to people! You see, to him it seemed like such an easy thing to do, to just go to a bar or new housemate, co worker etc and just start a conversation. Sometimes he could not see how hard it was for me. He thought that I "should" be able to do it.
I, like you, have always struggled socially due to being very shy, and it is hard. It makes life hard, and sometimes lonely and upsetting. But I believe it is essentially a part of who we are and we need to accept this about ourselves and learn to live our life with our shyness. I think it may help to think of it as a challenge we have. Some people may find reading or writing very hard, or be born without legs, for example. We are not all created equal, and some are luckier in life than others. Shyness is our unfortunate difficulty in life.
I think looking at it that way helps put it in perspective. Shyness sucks, but there are worse problems we could have. I'm not trying to minimize the problem though.
Shyness is often misunderstood and it really does make life very hard sometimes. Some people do misunderstand what shyness is and can't understand why we just don't talk more! It hurts when it is someone we love who does not understand us :( But remember it is their problem, not yours. They should really try harder to understand you, but sometimes people just don't. You did really well by explaining yourself. If he ever says anything like that about it, just keep on telling him how hard it is for you to be shy and how hard you have been working to overcome it, but that it is a part of your personality. Tell him that it hurts you that he is judging you for something you cannot change. Over time you will teach him to be more understanding, hopefully.
I wish I could say that there was a cure for this, but I think shyness is in our personality. We need to learn to accept this about ourselves and for others to accept about us. I do think we get less shy as we get over. I am sure that I find it easier to talk to new people now, than 5 years ago. It is still hard, but I am getting better at it. So, maybe it is possible to overcome. Keep putting yourself in new situations with new people and keep talking to people you want to talk to and it will get easier.
Also, is it really nesessary to talk to everyone and get to know eveyone? Really? Sometimes I think it is better to spend your time talking with people who you know are really cool and you get on with and have a great time with. You don't have to be friends with everyone. But, if you do want to get to know someone, or if someone seems nice and wants to talk to you, go for it. Push youself to have a little chat with them, ir invite them to go to the cinema or something. And, even if it's awkward at first, over time you could have a new friend and you won't be able to stop talking. Friendships aren't about quantity, but quality.
I think your lovely boyfriend meant well, but his comment was unfair and pretty stupid and mean. Try to forget about it. You told him how you felt and hopefully, he will learn to see your point of view and not expect you to be the same as him. If he makes cny more comments, do your best to set him straight. Don' let his opinions on shyness get you down. There are a lot of misunderstood conditions and people in life. We have to just keep fighting people's unfair judgements.
Congratulate yourself on all your hard work, and be compassionate to yourself also, because you are who you are and deserve to be loved for all of your traits.
I hope this helped you. Look up Nick Vujicic. He is an inspirational writer and speakers who talks about overcoming challeneges and believing in yourself. The book called Give me a hug, is lovely :)
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (20 October 2013):
 in my opinion, i believe people typically have a natural disposition, in general. of course, we can work on these dispositions and tweak them a bit, like you have, but i believe a shy person will mostly always remain a bit shy, while an extroverted person will always remain mostly extroverted. it's just who we are as people.
as for me, i've always been an outgoing and social person. my girlfriend, on the other hand, is much like you. she's very shy and introverted and doesn't talk much to other people. she's extremely chatty once she gets to know you, though, much like you are. hell, sometimes i can't get her to stop talking :) but i love her for it. it's who she is. and i'm thankful for the fact that i'm one of the lucky few she loves and is comfortable enough to feel at ease with to let herself loose. i take it as a compliment and an honor, seeing as how most people don't know her like i do. so i don't see it at all like your boyfriend does. and i don't see where he is coming from. he should not talk to you like that and make you feel bad for who you are and how you act. i'm sure you have manners and social etiquette. you're just shy. and what he should do is recognize just how hard you're working and notice all the accomplishments you actually HAVE made since you started working on it, and compliment you on them. he should be proud of how far you've come and encourage you to keep it up. instead, he belittles you for not being how he thinks you should be. i'm sorry he's doing that. it's not fair. i'm sure that's very discouraging.
you said you tried to talk to him and explain to him how his comment made you feel. good for you for communicating that to him. unfortunately, he didn't get it. sometimes it's hard for people who are outgoing to understand why it's so difficult just to speak up and be social. it's because it comes so natural to him, he thinks everyone has the same ability and he can't undertand why you can't just "do it." i'm sure sinking a three pointer from mid court is easy for michael jordan, but ask anyone else, and it's hard as hell. everyone has different talents and abilities. expecting you to be social and outgoing when it's not in your character by nature is the same concept. it's just not something natural for you. i'm sure you have a bunch of wonderful things that come natural to you that your boyfriend wouldn't have a clue about.
i wouldn't beat yourself up too much. i think you're a bit in your own head now and reading too much into his comment because you're feeling particularly down on yourself after his remark. i'm sure he loves you, seeing as how you've been together for 5 years. just try to continue on with bettering yourself and making progress on your own. you're doing great. keep up the good work. it's definitely paying off, as you even said yourself that you can see the results. :) good luck.
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