A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been happily (or so I thought) married 3 years. I’m a good husband to her, I love her with all my heart, treat her well and always look after her (her words previously). Major area I am lacking in at the moment is finances as I am unemployed so she is the sole breadwinner so we are under a bit of financial pressure. 2 months ago she dropped a bombshell; she told me that she doesn’t know if she loves me any more and has felt like this for the past year. We’re attending a counsellor every week now but just yesterday I discovered that she is having an affair with an older man (she’s 32, he’s early 50’s), which leads me to believe that all this talk of feeling unsure about me for the past year is just bull, it’s just an excuse for going off with another man. I found out about the affair by reading through her text messages, he has told her he loves her many times and vice versa. In one message she sent, she says to him that she will “happily leave my husband!for you if you ask me to”. I confronted her last night about the affair and she admitted it but wasn’t able to tell me why she has done this. I asked her to leave which she did.I’m hurt, saddened, angry, betrayed, confused. What do I do now?
View related questions:
affair, older man, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): i think you would have now realised what a cold heartless manipulative bitch your wife has been. you have to make some big decisions soon and i think this bull about marital counselling is just that- bull. as hard as it is better to be alone and find a genuine woman than to live with this lieing, cheating skank. she played you and i know you are confused right now. But i am hoping not confused about what she really is.
you need to now start taking care of yourself and your well being. reinvest in your life and yes i know the job situation is bad but please chin up and try , and try again. you will survive this berayal and you will make sense of this betrayal. one thing : don ot expect anything from her. she will continue to lie and cheat and make it seem as though you are the problem. she has done this in the past and she will continue. do not fall for her lies any more. its your time now so please stategise and become the victor. this must be the end goal. take care and i hope that YOU heal soon and that you move on from the cheating wife she is not worth anything.
A
male
reader, mrantarctica  +, writes (14 May 2010):
 Hey buddy,
You're in a tough bind at the moment. Here's my 2 cents.
It sounds like your marriage has, unfortunately, come unstuck at the seams. I don't know the full facts of your situation. But it seems to me that the damage is done, and things are beyond repair. If I were you, I would file for a divorce.
The divorce process is complicated, it won't be over in a week. You'll need to file a petition for divorce (on the grounds of adultery in your case). I would find a solicitor to help you with the ancillary relief side of things (financial aspects).
Be open and frank with your wife. If you have clear lines of communication, you can make this a clean break. Be clear about your intentions. Make sure you've talked to a lawyer first.
If you do decide to get a divorce, you must prepare yourself for what is to come. You may feel alone and desperate now, but I can tell you it's going to get worse before it gets better. You'll feel depressed and alone. What you need to focus on is getting a job. Staying busy, and staying productive will allow you to take your mind off things, and you may meet some new people to hang out with. Above all, don't become isolated. All problems are more easily tackled with support and ammunition from people around you, than on your own.
Start thinking quite carefully about your career. You've got the option to either continue with your current profession and keep applying to jobs, or to look at getting some other sort of qualification or certificate and getting into some other line of work. There are lots of people you can talk to about which direction you're heading in with regards to a job. Unemployment is the enemy to the government. They want you to work, because then they can collect taxes. Because of this, there are often a lot of people that you can talk to for career guidance etc. if necessary, and it won't cost you an arm and a leg. Sometimes the govt. even pays for it. Have a look into it. Make a few phone calls.
You're probably feeling really angry and disappointed about this. That is natural. Whatever you do, avoid drinking and avoid smoking. Alcohol and drugs never solved anybody's problems, and it'll waste your money just like that.
You sound like a sensible guy, and pretty level headed at that. I reckon you'll be able to bounce back out of this. I hope for your sake, you can get this sorted.
PM me if you're out of ideas, or feel like talking to someone about it. You'll find a lot of people on here that are smart, sensible and happy to help out a fellow human being. You're not all alone in this, don't worry.
Chin up.
Mr A
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): You losing your job isn't the reason why your wife cheated on you. The truth is that she probably was a cheater all along, but because, you are so in love with her, you either didn't see the signs or you ignored it. Do you know how many women marry guys who never held down a job a day in their life!!! It just sounds like she has taken you for granted, thinks you are too nice to her and that because she knows you are in love with her, she thinks she can cheat, and give some bullcrap excuse and you will accept it and take her back or wait for her to come back. That 50 year old guy doesn't care about her...why is he single at 50 is the question? Maybe he is full of crap and couldn't keep a woman to save his life. Think hard now...because, if you decide to let her go, don't allow your life to be a relvolving door where she thinks she can come and go as she pleases.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): i dont think its because you lost your job, because if she truely loved you then that would not matter she obviously has never loved you the way you loved her. But, now you need to realize that she is goneand you need to move on with your life also. I know it is easier said then done but you need to stand strong and know that you are better than that a some day you will be happier than you ever where with her and then she will soon realize what a mistake she made. In time
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 May 2010):
 I'm pessimistic about this. Sorry. Try to get a job and leave. In my humble opinion, there's nothing left to do.
It's been only three years that you've been together and you've been "good", but there is a deep problem if she is having an affair. I can't speculate what it is, but obviously there's something big there. And, what are you to do? If you've done everything right, how will getting a job solve the problem? If she is "happy" to leave you, what can you realistically hold on to?
I can't speak for yourself, but I think I would simply leave, and would never look back. You don't even have children.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (13 May 2010):
Sadly losing a job can be a huge hit to a man. I lost my job because of my recession over a year ago, and I'm still not back on my feet where I want to be. It's even worse for a married man or a man with a partner because it can put a huge amount of strain on a woman when she becomes the sole breadwinner. I'm not saying all women end up having affairs, but you're not the only man who has asked for advice on something like this. Quite a few men who lose their jobs soon find out the their wives are having affairs or suddenly can't cope with it. For all the talk of men and women being equal, the sad truth is that the moment a man loses his job, he loses his social standing and people do desert him. Your wife obviously was struggling and couldn't handle it. She decided to have an affair. Very low, to be honest. It shows her up for what she really is.
You now need to get it back together though. Remember that it was not you who had the affair, and it was not you who failed to stick to your marriage vows. You're a good guy, and you'll be able to get through this by taking it one step at a time. The most important thing is that you focus on getting a job. Even if you don't get one for a while, keep on trying to get one. Or maybe even think about setting up a business. You don't have anything lose anymore. Once you start to get it together, you'll find yourself getting out of this rut. Leave your wife in the past. You don't need her. And one day she will regret leaving you when she sees that you've moved on and become a better man for having been through all this. Focus on your own life now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 May 2010):
 My empathize to you . It is a double whammy . You need to salvage what is left of your marriage and rebuild your life again.
Try to think more positive
...............................
A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (13 May 2010):
 I am sorry you are hurting. I know how painful it is for you right now.
The best thing you can do, is to get on with your life. Apparently she has!
Reconnect with old friends, begin to socialize, and take care of yourself!
Try not to dwell on the situation.
I would suggest the first area to address is your employment status! You will feel better about yourself and inturn, project that image to others.
You may have to explore fields other than you have in the past, if necessary.
Avoid things that remind you of her, and your relationship, such as songs, movies, and places you've been together.
There's a great big world out there...time to check it out!
I wish you all the best!
~bg~
...............................
|
