A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone, I'm looking for some advice please either from people who have been in a similar situation before or just those who have an opinion on what I should do.So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have recently started discussing moving in together, but I've realised that I think I will struggle with his work life if I do so. He is a tutor (drums) and teaches from home most nights. That means he starts at around 3/4pm and doesn't finish until 10pm sometimes. I work usual business hours so arrive home at around 6pm most nights. So our working hours clash a lot which isn't ideal (I'd be eating my dinner alone each night for example), but the main problem is the other people who come and go from his house. He can teach up to 12 people a night (a mixture of half hour and hour long lessons) and often they are children so their parents wait in his sitting room until they finish. This isn't always the case but it is pretty regular. It is fine now because he lives alone, but if I were to move in I feel I could never relax in my own house. I couldn't just veg out and watch tv, I couldn't get any housework or ironing done if people were there, I couldn't have a bath because there's only one bathroom which needs to be kept free for customers and I'd even have to eat dinner in a room where parents were waiting for their children (his house is small with only 2 bedrooms - one of which he teaches in - and a sitting room/dining room in one). I have explained this to him and he's a bit upset because he has always worked like this. Which is true but when I met him he was talking about getting a job in a school. Now he doesn't want to do that as he likes being self employed. He thinks I'm making excuses which isn't true, I'd just never properly thought about what moving in there would be like until it was put on the table.We have discussed moving but he doesn't want to leave his house (he rents from his parents so gets a really cheap deal) and he doesn't feel he can tell his regular customers that they can no longer wait in his house. He's also talked about hiring somewhere to reach from but it would be very expensive so he's not keen.So I'm stuck. Has anyone else been through this? Am I just overthinking and creating problems before I've tried it (as my boyfriend seems to think)? Or would you feel the same as me? Our relationship is good and I don't want to end it over something like this, but I don't know if I can handle it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Agree with k_c100
"If he wants to live with you then he is going to have to realise that moving in together is about compromise, he cant keep his life exactly how it is currently simply because it only works for him, not you."
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): It's not you, I too would feel the same!I don't know what the solution is, but perhaps it's to not move in until he earns more and you too, where you can afford a bigger place, where you have a "home" area and set up a "client area".This is what is happening with me - I live with my boyfriend, and he is now going to start doing dentistry from home, but we have a separate area for clients so I will still have my private "home area" while the clients will have the "office, waiting room" area only. That way, we keep "business" and "pleasure" separate.So nope, you are not overthinking or trying to create problems. Your boyfriend can't give an opinion because HE has always lived like this, and it's HIS place, and it's HIS clients so of course he is cool with it, but for you who is used to her own space, and wanting the "relax" place after work, this won't do. You are not crazy, I can relate.No need to end your relationship - just don't move in together yet. Let him continue his tutoring, lifestyle, etc. while you have your place, as you continue your relationship until you can afford different options. A bigger home, a home/office place, or other options.Good Luck :)
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 November 2013):
 No I think you are well justified and I would feel the same. He is not willing to compromise at all yet you are expected to be ok with sharing your home with noise, customers etc which is the last thing you want when you get in from work.
I think you need another talk with him - explain that you would love to move in with him and are really excited about it, however it is a big problem for you to be sharing a home with his customers. Explain that when you get in from work you just want to be able to chill out, have a bath, do some ironing etc and none of this will be possible in his current home. Tell him that you dont have a problem with his job, and love that he enjoys what he does - but you need some space too when you come home from work, the last thing you need is to be making small talk with parents at 10pm after a long day.
Tell him you do want to move in with him but there needs to be some compromise from him if you are going to make the situation work, and realistically he has these options:
1. Move somewhere bigger where you can have a 'waiting room' type space where his customers can sit and wait for their children, allowing you to have the lounge to yourself. This could be a spare bedroom, dining room etc - just a room you can convert into a waiting room area separate to your living space.
2. He hires a space to work from (this is expensive and surely it would be cheaper for you to both rent/buy a bigger house - you are paying half the rent I presume so he wouldnt be very out of pocket if you get a bigger house).
3. He changes his work hours so all customers are gone by an agreed time (maybe 7pm)? Again this would leave him out of pocket
The sensible option is to simply rent/buy a bigger house, that way he wont loose any customers, he will keep you happy and he wont be that much out of pocket because he will have you to share the rent/mortgage so that negates some of the costs.
You might have to compromise on the bath thing though - the likelihood of finding a house with 2 bathrooms within a reasonable price range is slim, and is a bath in the evening really that critical? You can shower before work, or after 10pm when his customers have gone home. And save the baths for the weekend.
If he wants to live with you then he is going to have to realise that moving in together is about compromise, he cant keep his life exactly how it is currently simply because it only works for him, not you. The easiest change would be to move house so he needs to start to consider that. Perhaps his parents might consider selling the place they rent to him and loaning you the money they make from the sale to get a deposit on your own place? Or maybe if you spoke to them together and explained what you need in order to move in together they might offer to buy another place to rent to you? Its worth asking!
If he really wants to live with you then things are going to change, he needs to make room for you in his life and appreciate that you work hard too and need time to unwind. He gets most of the daytime to relax in peace, he needs to imagine if you had customers coming in and out between 9am and 4pm, I bet he wouldnt like that!
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