A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hey allIts day 4 post breakup here, i havent started 'no contact' we are still talking every night all night (i know this is not the way to go)Our split was down to distance..5 years in an LDR with neither of us willing to give up our jobsOver the years ive had the chance to solve this by a long commute (3 hours each way) and we even looked at houses but i backed out of it - stupid me!!i just thought i couldnt handle 6 hours a day travelling.. so we went back to ldr for ages.The last year has been harder.Anyway now that we have split over it (i was the one to end it) i want to commute and im sure about that.Its just horrid without her, even seeing the 'single' on her facebook winds me up every time . (i did unfriend her but she mailed and asked why and i re-added her )But she is understandably VERY skeptical about me doing the travelling (afterall i DID back out last time) and has put pretty harsh terms on stuffBasically i asked if she wanted to try again if i move near her workplace and she said (near enough exact words)"Im thinking of trying again but only if u have moved and to be honest im skeptical of u with all the travelling cos that put u off before but we shall see."So basically i need to relocate near to her before we can try again, and she hardly seems over keen. I can understand it, like i said i changed my mind before about the travelling.Now i only rent here, so no issue there, but its going to mean finding quite a lot of money FAST, and actually living alone (but near to her) for a while before we move in together.Pretty harsh terms for getting back together..if she agreed to us BOTH moving now, id do it and carry it through - i appreciate what i had more now ive lost it.So i dont know what to do?. My concerns are1) cash:- travelling costs of $600 per month and rent on my own will be really tight.2) doing all this over the next month and finding she has moved on or met someone else by then.Finally, i ended it..but ive definitely been the one most 'needy' post breakup - ie mailing n texting more etc.. Do you think maybee im pushing her away by over communicating?Thanks
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (18 November 2013):
LDRS have six months to become non-LDRS, or they become non-Rs. Just a reality.
As far as the money, obtaining money is hard. Obtaining girlfriends is easy. Proceed accordingly.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 November 2013):
 You know, I was about to disagree with my fellow aunts on the "harshness" of the terms, but something struck my eye. You mentioned YOUR expenses with this commute, which leads me to believe that you were the only one doing all of the commuting. That is heartbreaking.
I advise against moving to her and continuing a commute because the relationship isn't equal. If she loved you with the same love you love her, why isn't SHE also commuting? Seems to me as if she's had to sit back and accept all of your effort and affections. I am skeptical she would continue to see you if you moved, because she hasn't been extending herself like you have. She's had it too easy. When you broke up with her, if she cared, she would have been wanting to shoulder some of the effort to keep you. Instead, she's skeptical and demands YOU move to her. Why? Because she's hedging her bets that she doesn't leave her comfort zone.
I think you should go no contact, unfriend her again, and clear your head.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 No, I do not think you should go for it.
For starters, why must it be YOU who relocates? Circumstances may be such that it would be more practical for you to make the move, but the way you've presented it to us (and/or she to you) makes it sound arbitrary. Is there some special reason or is it just her personal preference?
A six hour commute each day is wildly unrealistic. That is 30 hours a week! You would be spending more than an ENTIRE DAY on the road which would leave you very little time or energy for anything else, including each other. And what if you needed to work late?
The whole point of you relocating is to be together. So why aren't you moving in with her or finding a new place together? You're supposed to uproot and move all the way out there so you can be neighbours?? Screw that.
OP, however fond you may be of this woman, you are even more fond of the life you've created for yourself right where you are. If that weren't true, you'd have relocated years ago.
Get Hollywood out of your head and put this in perspective. Many people relocate for a love interest and it works out wonderfully. Plenty of others do the same only to regret it. And many of those end up here seeking our advice.
Again, my vote is no. You're happy where you are and her conditions are unreasonable for you. She has every right to find happiness in life so let her do that and give yourself permission to do the same.
Have faith. It WILL work out for you. It just won't be with her, but you can live with that.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 November 2013):
 You already have very good feedback. I just wanted to answer your very last question, are you pushing her away by over communicating. Not at all - you pushed her away when you finished the LDR. This is why she is sceptical about your sudden change of heart about the commuting. She is right to be sceptical, because it does sound unrealistic and unsustainable. She knows you might change your mind again after a few weeks or months of horrendous commuting. She is guarding herself.
I think you need a real break, go no contact while you really think this through. And please, stop looking at her FB page, and if you need to de-friend her again then do it. You are, quite understandably, not thinking straight at the moment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): The difficulty of a "breakup" is making you both overlook the practical side of things. Your relationship is stressed and worn-out. She's setting harsh and unreachable terms; because she has already started the process of moving on. She knows the hardship you would undergo, and she also knows there are other ways to resolve the LDR issues.The truth is, she's placing all the responsibility on you; because she has already made-up her mind.I don't think anything, short of moving on, will work-out. I think you will build resentment for being forced to prove yourself; when you feel the past should speak for itself. Consider that if you haven't. You should have broken up a long-time ago. You came apart; because your jobs came first.You could have found jobs closer together; if the relationship was your mutual priority. Lets be real.You are avoiding dealing with your feelings of grief and detachment. You are avoiding the painful emotions of breaking up and moving on. You are already apart, and you already know how it feels to live alone. I don't sense a lot of empathy in her reaction to your feelings about the breakup. I think she is just tired and you're wearing her down with your whining. Be a man about it, dude.Don't put yourself through financial hardship and emotional-stress under uncertain conditions. Grow the nuggets to get through the painful process of moving on and recovering.I can feel the emotional-stress in your post from here. This isn't an issue of who gives in first, but it's still a power-struggle. Who is willing to sacrifice the most? End the peace-talks. They're going nowhere. Keeping each other up all night is just delaying the inevitable. It's the terror of the bad feelings you'll face, uncertainty, fear of loneliness, discomfort with knowing your partner will find someone else, then the withdrawal and detachment process. This is the chemical process that puts the mind through torture; when people are separating and are starved of dopamine. So you cling on in desperation.If you both want each other bad enough, you'll meet in the middle. Face the realities first. If you go through a lot of hardship for her sake, and all she does is come up with more obstacles and challenges for you to face to get to her, then it's going to end anyway.Start no-contact, and move on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (15 November 2013):
A SIX HOUR COMMUTE IS A TERRIBLE IDEA!
Just terrible.
Great, you'll live near her but you'll never see her because you'll be working, driving, sleeping, and getting ready for work 25 hours a day.
If you really love her find a job closer to her. What good is money if you're miserable?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2013):
 I think Cerberus is right. YOU are not thinking. YOU want to hold on to something that meant a LOT to you for years.
IF you two have spend 5 years in a LDR with NO ONE wanting to move closer, look for a new job, then it wasn't meant to be. I gave up living close to my family & friends, my house and my home country to be with my husband. I have followed him where ever his job sent him. It wasn't easy at all. He gave up quite a few things on his end too. IT was more important for us to BE together then to hold on to "this is mine".
So in 5 years NEITHER of you have been looking for a job closer to each other? None of you have talked about BOTH finding a middle ground? It's been: " Well, I'M not giving MY job up!" So you two DRAGGED it out through a LDR. And now because you are still hurt from the break up you are tossing ideas around for YOU to drive 3 hours EACH way EACH day? What is that going to accomplish? YOU are going to be $600 out on GAS alone, then add the wear and tear on the car. You are going to be gone 14 hours (at least) a day (except week ends) all so MAYBE you two can make it work? Then consider winter and the traffic in winter, that might add an extra hour.
So you are willing to do all this NOW? After you break up? And what is she willing to do? Not a thing.
It should be a compromise between you two. It isn't. NEITHER of you REALLY wanted to be closer, or.. it would have happened YEARS ago.
I think you NEED to take some time thinking this over - maybe you NEED to try and drive those 6 hours every day for a while and see.....
I think you are beating a dead or dying horse here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): I think you're not thinking at all OP and you're speaking out of desperation not logic.
First off 4 days out, you cannot trust a single thought in your head and should not act on anything.
Do I think your commute idea is good? No, it's a horrible idea. You're broken up and you want to do all this moving stuff in the off chance it'll work. Very bad idea.
"Anyway now that we have split over it (i was the one to end it) i want to commute and im sure about that."
Oh really now? 5 days ago you were so sure you didn't that you broke up with her. 5 years of this and it's only now that you're hurt, lonely and grieving that you're sure? Can't see a problem with that?
OP give it three to four weeks. Go no contact properly during that time and give yourself a chance to breathe and think.
The 4th day of a break up is not the time to be making life changing decisions. You may be sure the only reason that you broke up is the distance but you stuck it out for 5 years so it can't just be only that.
For 5 years a 6 hour commute was a ridiculous notion and now you're on the rebound it suddenly seems great? Let's work this out logically. Say you spend minimum 8 hours at work a day for 5 days a week. Then you spend 6 hours travelling a day too. That's 14 hours a day, assuming you don't do over time or work on weekends. You really think you can survive that without burning out? You think it'll be any different to what you have now? it'll be worse OP because you'll tired all the time.
8 hours sleep and that leaves you with only 2 hours in the day to see her. One of those hours will taken up by your morning routine and the other hour isn't even enough to time to unwind. There is literally no difference in terms of quality time with her than you have now, in fact you'll be so tired on the weekends you'll probably have even less quality time with her.
OP it's very unlikely she'll have moved on only a month out of a 5 year relationship and if she has then it'll be meaningless.
You've had 5 years to go over the possibilities here, 5 years of trying to make this work and your solution was always an option but one which you never thought was feasible and you're right it's not. Seriously 4 days out and you can't possibly be thinking straight and you know it.
Look this is too big a decision to make while you're going through this much pain. Go no contact, take your time. Gather your thoughts, talk it out with family, friends and those who love you and sit on this idea for a while.
You don't appreciate what you've had OP, you're just in pain looking back at it with rose tinted glasses, you're old enough and wise enough to know that right now you're in desperation mode. Constantly badgering her and being needy as hell. You're panicking and that's the worst state of mind to make such a decision. Especially when you never thought that it was a good idea before.
Take some time, grind through the pain and get to the stage where you can think more clearly. Because I'll bet you my house if you do all this, set this all up in 2-3 months you'll be so worn out and finally able to think clearly again only to realise it really wasn't what you wanted at all.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 November 2013):
 My hubby and I were LDR for our first year of dating... it was a mere two hours apart.... barely an LDR in this day and age and I can tell you that a 2.5 hour commute was fine one or two days a week... but I COULD NOT DO IT DAILY.
Is telecommuting an option?
Seems to me you two are at an impasse and it's not going to work.
LDRS are only good for a few years... and yours is quite the distance... sometimes we just can't have what we want...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): Look, you're in a tough spot.I've done long distance living in different countries. I get it.But when push comes to shove, it's not just about feelings. You have to be practical.Are you really willing to commute 6 hours a day? That's 30hours of travelling a week! When will you get time to sit down and actually spend time together? You'll be tired half the time.Also, she seems a bit distant or sceptical about the relationship. Again, are you willing to move when things are not exactly going well with you two?What I would suggest is you move in with her and see how that goes. You officially keep your renting your separate house while staying with her to see if this is really what you both want. Baby steps.I moved countries to be with my significant other but I can tell you now that there was none of this uncertainty about whether we wanted this or making each other jump through hoops.I see a lot of red flags in your situation. It's a big risk and it doesn't sound certain that she cares whether you move or not.If you do decide to try to make it work my advice to both of you is to compromise. There will have to be some flexibility / sacrifices on both sides.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2013): She sounds like a control freak who has to call the shots. No man of your age should have to put up with that for a second. I sure woudln't! Dump her ass. If shewants you that badly, SHE can move.
PS - you re-friended her b/c she e-mail confronted you about defriending her? Uh-uh. That would have been a deal-breaker for me right there
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (15 November 2013):
 I think you need to decide do you love her? If so then take the risk, also see if you can commit to a short term lease, so it leaves you with options.
Goodluck
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