A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am a 44 year old male. Married for 15 years. I'll get right to the point: my marriage is having big problems right now and I am at a crossroads.I have never cheated before. But I have never felt the way I do now. I am visiting depths of emotion I did not know I had, and I am very vulnerable. I want to have an affair. I somehow feel this is going to help me sort out my problems by realizing I either f*cked up big time, or that I really love my wife.What I would really like is to hear some stories from both men and women who have cheated on their spouses, or have been cheated on. I would like some wisdom from people who have been there and have some reflections to share. The urge for me to have an affair is very strong right now, and I feel if someone doesn't share experiences with me then I will have no choice but to find out for myself firsthand what it's like to cheat.Please, I don't want morality lectures. It's too late for that. I'm looking for the rope that someone dangles to prevent me from falling.
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female
reader, devilette  +, writes (17 December 2010):
Hi,
I know u posted a while ago and maybe u've already done it but I say go for it. In May I had an affair with a much younger man and it was a wonderful experience. I felt like my relationship with him added balance to my home life. I would say that probably the most difficult part of having an affair is that sometimes u want to do normal stuff with the person but u can't because going out in public is risky. The affair ended and I was heartbroken but I'm over it now and looking to hopefully find the same thing with someone else. Hope this helps u. Just remember that no one should have to suffer the consequences of ur actions but u. So make sure to be discreet and make sure that if u do fall in love that u understand that you shouldn't want to be with your lover and risk hurting your spouse or ur children.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): Well I can give you two examples. I wasn't married but engaged and cheated on my fiance while he was in the military. I loved him and still do to this day. It ruined everything my life, my friends, my relationship with my own family. I think it would have been better just to break it off with him than to cheat. He will not speak to me and it has been several years now. I just know I drove him to be an acholic and I know hes pretty messed up from the whole thing. I cheated on the only guy I have ever loved. The guy I cheated with is a loser and the relationship was purely on lust. He only wanted me for sex and cheated on me. I am married now and I totally understand where you are comming from. I have urges to cheat but I think God has a way of getting back at us if and when we cheat. It is considered a sin when you are married.
The second situation was my mother. My mother has been married for 25 years now to my father. She cheated and continued an affair for about 4 years. The guys wife found out about the affair and they decided on a divorce. My mother however was about to file for divorce from my father when the guy said he didn't want to rush into another relationship. She figured he needed time to heal. Long story short he just used her for sex. He is now in a "so called happy" relationship and says he wants nothing to do with my mother for her to leave him alone. Now all she is left with is a broken heart from this jerk and a painful marriage. My father has never known the extent of the affair. Their marriage is a lie and there is no love now.
No one can say what you should do. It is your decision but I can say I have never heard of any good outcomes from cheating. I am a sole believer in karma. What goes around eventually comes back around. So keep that in mind you might cheat but you may lose the person you love and for what... lust?
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (7 May 2010):
 Do it cheat and have a blast lying to your wife, sneaking out to be with your lover, dude if your mind is set on it there is not much we can do.....
Just think for one second that your going to hurt, lie, and deceived your wife of 15 years, with whom with a gal that has no problems getting involve with a marry man, way to go dude a girl with morals.......
Also keep in mind that if your wife of 15 years is having issues with herself for example... Weight, self esteem, depression, or sick imagine how much more your going to add to her already daily struggles.
I won't give you example of if any affairs in my part...but I could tell you that I went through a rocky marriage, and I was giving up on my hubby, but I can tell you me and hubby are now happily married....and I can guaranteed you an affair could and would have ruined my marriage....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): Don't do it! I did and I regret it. I was having issues in my marriage and instead of trying to make it work.( I turned to other men. I cheated and it felt good real good to the point where i started seeing more of my mister. I thought about the affair but I didnt think about the consequences it would have on my marriage. I only thought of myself instead of my husband and child. It left damage emotionally and spiritually. Needless to say we are separated now, but are working towards reconciling. I just cant imagine another woman loving the man I vow to love. So here what you do weigh out the pros and cons and see if you feel the same way. Can you imagine your wife with some other man? Seriously we all feel weak and vulnerable at a point in our lives. But ask youreslf is it worth your marriage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for the posts so far. Yes, there are children involved. Counseling is an option, but for unrelated reasons it cannot be done right now.
I know that society considers cheating wrong. I'm not looking for justification in a public forum to give me the go ahead to do it.
What I look for in this thread is feedback from people who have done it or had it happen to them. I'm trying to get a sense of the feelings and conditions that lead up to the affair happening. I want to imagine the feelings that others tell me and put them into my own context. I'm trying to experience the affair without actually doing it.
So, although I appreciate every comment, just telling me not to do it does not alleviate my feelings. I need comparisons to others who have been there.
I have empathy for the anonymous bloke who says he has gone back to being dead after his short interlude. And hearing that people would rather be flat out dumped than cheated on does give me pause for thought.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): Unless you're 100% sure that your willing to sacrifice your marriage for a fling then you shouldn't engage in extra marital affairs.
Talk to your wife. Try and bring the spark back. Maybe seek a professional opinion etc.
Just be sure that the pleasure outweighs the possible pain.
Good luck
:D
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): if you have doubt enough to post on the internet seeking reassurance and answers, then you probably shouldn't cheat. If you get caught, and you probably will, then what are you going to say? "oh ppl on the internet said it was ok!" nah bro, if u want out, just tell her, and get it over with so u can get on with ur life
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): OK, here's my experience. We'd been married seven years, together for 12 or so. My wife has a successful career, which is wonderful for her. But once kids came along, between kids and career there was no time left for me.
I don't think I realized how lonely I was until I was thrown together with this girl during a family crisis. No, she wasn't a blood relative, but we had known each other since we were kids. Turns out she'd always had a crush on me. So she got me alone and kissed me in a way that said she wanted to make up for wasted time.
What can I say. I felt alive for the first time in years. I felt like I was 16 again. For a very brief time it was heady, intoxicating stuff.
The guilt, however, was something fierce. I like and respect my wife, and felt ill that I'd broken our vows. I don't know if she ever figured out what happened. If she did, she decided not to confront me, and I've been a good boy in the 15 years since. That is, I've gone back to being dead.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 May 2010):
Well I wasn't married, but I did get cheated on. It's an awful feeling, you blame yourself because you think you're not good enough or did something wrong or you weren't doing something right. I've talked to others about this and EVERY time, EVERY person says, that they would rather be dumped first than just flat out cheated on. I don't know what the reasoning behind why my ex cheated on me, maybe he just figured he could get away with it or he didn't talk to me about what was going on in his mind that felt he needed to look elsewhere while we were still together. Eventually, it just grew into me hating him, I wouldn't speak to him, and he better just hope that I don't run into him anywhere!
Personally, I think it's a lack of communication as to why cheating happens, especially if it's in a marriage. You want to cheat probably because you feel that you're missing something in your relationship or maybe your wife isn't paying attention to you like she used to. Whatever the case may be, I REALLY think you should think about what it is that is causing you to feel that cheating on your wife would cause you to fall back in love with her or something, because I really think it would be the worst thing you could do. You'll feel terrible and so will she.
So like I said, think about what it is and talk to her. If you've already talked to her then try and think of what didn't get mentioned before or what you feel needs to be done in order to make your marriage work. Even consider marriage counseling that way you two can dig deeper and figure out what the problem is. I don't think cheating on your wife is worth ruining your 15-year marriage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): How are you going to tell posters not to give you a moral lecture? The fact is that you don't want to hear the truth--you don't want to hear that the fact that you are cheating on your wife of 15 years is wrong, you want to hear that it's ok, it's normal and that you should go for it. Look, you are an adult who has the right to be faithful or not to be faithful. Here is the thing: if you be faithful or cheat, there is a price to pay for either choice you make, the question is are you willing to accept that reality.
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A
female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (7 May 2010):
man, dont do it, ull seriously regret it afterward....i have an urge too, but i kno i needa stop myself.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 May 2010):
 If you want to have an affair ,make sure that you can swallow the bitter after effects. You will stand to lose everything you have made or acquired in your whole life.
You should channel those urges into working at your marriage. Seek professional help if you cannot do it alone.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (7 May 2010):
I won't give you morals advice, I wont' preach to you,I wont judge you, I'll just say Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! Please don't do it!!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 May 2010):
 I can't help you with the advice you want. I will spare you the morals. But even so, I can tell you that it sort of doesn't make much sense to want to bring a lot of problems on yourself. You don't say whether you have children, and most likely have not anticipated the negative things that could happen to you if your wife found out you cheated. But I would think about that.
My personal opinion is always that you should leave a relationship before you get into another.
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