A
female
age
51-59,
*upidislandgal
writes:HELP!! I am Having TRUST ISSUES due to Porn Sites I found my BF visiting!!!!!!!!!Its been almost a month since I have confronted him with what I found...including text mesages to an AD he answered about wanting to b dressed and dominated! I believe this other person was a transexual and crosssdresser!! So i nearly passed out when I read what I read! He has not denied anything and said he was so sorry for hurting me like this but that he admitted he had a problem for a few years bfore we met but he hadnt looked in over a year and the thing that stopped him from acting on it was ME....I know he loves me and I love him. He told me he would do whatever it takes not to lose me and I suggested we go to a therapist.....Thing is I was ok with it a for a few weeks and now all of a sudden I have been obsessing about what he did and how he betrayed my trust! I ask him if he was attracted to men or was gay or if he wanted to have sex with other people but he says NO WAY! He sent emails and text just for the thrill that he never intended to play them out! I believe him but EVERY DAY I am playing this over and over in my head...til Im nauseous!! I know you either forgive and move on and TRUST him or not! I cant imagine my life without him as he is a wonderfully sweet loving man so I am trying to let it go but I am seriously feeling very suspicious every minute of the day....ADVICE would be appreciated and Thanks from Texas :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Dear Cupidsland,
Now that the veil has been lifted from your eyes about the secret down low life of these men, surely you must realize that he has acted on all of this.
If you have a gay male friend, go talk to him about how many homosexual men don't come out of the closet and maybe he could explain how those guys are the most dangerest damning kind. They live in a world of denial, much like an alchoholic would.
Why you would stand by this man is beyond me except that you yourself are in a state of denial.
Your very life is at risk, it really is. Many middle aged women come up with HIV and they don't fit the profile, but because they can't get pregnant and they trust the men they are dating they often have unprotected sex and the man is a scumbag liar and has HIV and she is none the wiser. Women make the mistake when they are of a certain age (and I fit that category) not to challenge men too much because they are lonesome, their choices have become more limited, and they fear losing a relationship.
I don't care how much you think you love this man, or how scared you are of finding another partner, this is not a relationship worth maintaining, it just isn't and I hope and pray that you will get struck by lightening (metaphorically) and get a profound realization of just how far you have slid against your standards in order just to have a man.
I know you don't want to hear that, but I can hear your desperation behind your words.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Please do get tested. I know he promises up and down but he's trying to minimize the damage now and I would err on the side of caution for yourself. I remembered another website I've seen posted for people in your situation: http://www.straightspouse.org
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cupidislandgal +, writes (5 November 2009):
cupidislandgal is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanx for the info guys! I have been weirded out by this whole thing for over a month now even though we have had THE TALK many times since and he swears he NEVER acted upon any of those THRILL EMAILS/TEXTS I found! He said he likes the shemale stuff because its taboo and different but that he is not gay.......I told him I love you and accept you no matter what but I need to know! He said he has only been with 3 other women his entire 26 yrs upon this earth and that with them he was always the less dominant partner....I have asked every question imaginable and every time he has looked me square in the eyes and said he loves me and wants to be with only me...Geez I dont know guys I have tried to get those images out of my head when we are intimate but they r there and it bothers me...I would do anything for him and we have done everything together even strap-on so I feel hurt he has to exchange fowl talk with strangers....We talk sexy already so WTF?? I am really trying to TRUST him...WOW I cant believe how difficult this has been! We still do our normal everyday life stuff but I feel angry and cheated....dont get me wrong I love sex with him only though even if I look at porn BUT I would never talk that intimately to another man.....that is so personal to me like between two people who love one another but anyway thats a whole other story right!!
I think if it had been staight porn i might not have been sooo upset but the whole tranny shemale etc. just weirds me out...I mean guys come on would you tell someone that their big d**k turns u on if you werent gay? Maybe cuz the world has gone nutz and we are slowly descending down a very dark hole.......but yet I am willing to stand by him for some reason.......call it Love call it crazy....but I do have to decide one way or the other! Peace & Love to you all..
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
I have to chime in here now, there's enough here to be concerned for yourself... a fem bottom is a man who is slim and has a girlish ass, as opposed to a muscular bottom.
A few things, okay? Get yourself to the doctors and make him go as well. Get checked for STDs, I don't care if he swears he's never gone near another man, he's got the lingo down and he's been concealing this from you. He has lost the right to expect you to trust everything he says. In a case like this, your health has to be your top priority.
There are lots of men out there on the down low. There's this adult bookstore I drive by almost every day. It has cars parked outside it all day long. I could not figure out what the people were doing there, I mean, you can only read X amount of porn, and isn't it all online now anyway? Duh. It took me ages to realize that it is what is called a "gloryhole". Yep, the kind of place for random, anonymous sexual encounters, where men stick their dicks through holes in the bathroom stalls and other men do things to them. I expect using the holes is optional. At any rate, I found this out through googling the name of the bookstore and finding out the gloryhole label. I also discovered that on Craigslist, there's a whole hidden world of men, men who identify as straight to the world, but who are looking for secret gay sex encounters. There are straights looking for straight encounters as well, but this 'fem bottom' phrase you found is specific I think to gay encounters. Take an eye-opening and hair-raising tour around the Houston Craigslistings for men on men sexual encounters: http://houston.craigslist.org/m4m/
I picked Houston because it's the city I think of first in Texas, there are craigslists for cities all over the US and indeed, all over the world.
My other thing for you, and I really do not want to be alarmist but I am worried for you, is that I have a good friend who is a doctor specializing in treating people with HIV. He can tell you tons of stories about having puzzled straight women coming to him because they'd been tested and found HIV positive. They'd been faithful and had no other risk factors. They'd been infected by their lying, cheating, risky behavior indulging male partners who lived a secret life on the down low, finding sex partners and contracting HIV then passing it along to their wives or girlfriends.
Your guy, if he is a fem bottom, and if he is having sex with other men, is at highest risk for contracting the virus because tearing is common in anal sex and that's an easy entry for the HIV virus.
Do you see why I'm concerned for you? I'm extremely sorry to be alarmist, but nothing pisses me off more than someone infecting someone with a virus that could kill them, and I know it can happen, my friend treats people like that all the time.
Please take good care of yourself, and get yourself, and him, tested ASAP. Good luck.
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female
reader, cupidislandgal +, writes (5 November 2009):
cupidislandgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo what does it mean if a man says he is a FEM BOTTOM and to whom is he saying this? (is this lingo only used by LBGT) Thanx Guys :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2009): Thank you moderators for cleaning up my original posts...
Hi Texas, thanks for your reply... seems we didn't really answer your question.. you seem to have made several main concerns...
Q1. The things your boyfriend looks at includes shemales, and men being dominated... Your wondering how far this "alternative sexuality" goes. You don't mind playing dominant, but how can you compete with shemales, transexuals or men?
Q2. Your wondering if he is gay, prefers men, or may be bisexual.
Q3. Your wondering if he lies, if he has been unfaithfull with a someone else, crossdresser or transexual? You keep thinking about what he may have done, what he likes to do, and what he's looking at. It probably disgusts you.
Q4. Your wondering how much you can trust him, and how far can you go for this relationship... your afraid as you want to be in a decent stable relationship.
May have got you wrong, because I'm not from Texas.. but I'll continue.
A1. Don't know.. you will have to ask him about his secrets.. Have a nice long talk, with no pressure and totally honesty from you both... talk about your desires, what really turns you on, things you keep secret from anyone else.. that just might help you both to clear the air.
A2.. Please see A2, who knows.. he could be all three, but as long as he is faithfull, you consent and are happy in the relationship and he's honest, then is it something that is very important.. he may have had experiences in the past. Talk to him.
A3. Please see A2, a truthfull talk, about his feelings rather than the details of what he did, will probably help. Like you say EVERY DAY, dose seem a little obsessive for a man who is supposed to be happy in a relationship with you... your call, truthfull, no-judgement talking should help.
A4. Difficult, trust once lost is hard to regain...See A2, work at talking, and if you need to, then doing what "sugar bear" says might help to make you trust him, and keep your relationship based on honest. Don't hide if you need to check up on him, tell him, tell him you need reassurance about his faithfullness and his feelings for you in this relationship.
You seem like a very caring, and understanding person. You love him and you feel loved. But his type of "sex interests" are difficult to deal with, and whats the point staying with a man who is unhappy and wants someone different.
Your call.. the trust issue is the hardest thing you will need to work on... Please do that talking stuff, and make sure it's a talk and not nagging or an arguement. Your religious, so talk to your God, think about what you need and what you want, and remember to follow your guts, only you know the man, and whether you can work together and find some way of dealing with this.
Good luck honeypie, hope it all works out, but if it didn't, you tried, and can walk away with your head held high, for trying to love and understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Not the same dude. If you are in a relationship with a real woman, then you should not need porn, and she sees it as an insult becasue if you need visual stimulation, well there she is.
Women would only use their little thingy while you are in abscence. And we aren't looking at porn either, at least not most of the mature women I know.
Porn is degrading to women, she is always getting stuff in her face, propped up in unrealistic positions and pounded on by god knows what all. Intelligent women can be quite offended by this. And if you want to go a little deeper, it is a form of prostitution these actors get paid for sex. There is all kind of disgusting porn, rape porn, animals, child porn, transgender , etc. To each his own, but a woman has a right to not be subjected to his porn habit, it is one of those difference in values things that a couple has to work out. Sadly, our society has become so sex craved that it is more common that it used to be, everyone seems to be a sex addict they worship sex instead of God.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): No, Q, you men have your hands for that, don't need a little vibrating thingy.
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female
reader, SugarBear +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Hopefully you two can work it all out if you discuss the problem in detail and you both agree on a solution. Its hard to keep the faith sometimes, but I know you can. Its fine to keep an eye on him until you have built back the trust. If you keep it(porn) out of the house it may be easier for him to cope and maybe he can talk to a professional.. Your the one that has to live with him and if you are happy in every other way that counts for something. Everyone cant be perfect all of the time... Yes to forgive is divine. The text messages have to stop for sure so maybe he is willing to have text turned off on his phone for awhile. See what he is willing to do to help your relationship and help you feel better about it... No you dont have to quit your job to keep an eye on your man but it is so in your best interest to keep up with what they are doing..... go with your gut feeling, can you deal with it, do you want to deal with it? You will make the right choice...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): Sometimes God sends you a message of a warning flag that maybe this isn't right, then he will send you another until one day he practically hits you over the head with it.
If you have to monitor and have your boyfriend followed and his activities make you nauseous and he lied to you about his "problem", then you do not have a good thing going, you don't have open and honesty, you have I got caught and here is what is going on and how I am going to weezle and manipulate my way out of it.
But you interpret God's little knock how ever you want, as you said, it is your wonderful relationship you are asking about.
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A
female
reader, cupidislandgal +, writes (30 October 2009):
cupidislandgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Sugarbear..I have to laugh because I actually did that!! When I first confronted him last month I told him after I found the porn sites I started having him followed and he said "well I guess you know then what I been up to and it hasnt been that huh?"....He knows I actually do KNOW PEOPLE in high places and he says he does not doubt that I did! You know its funny how we can all tell people to walk away from a relationship when it isnt theirs! We have a good thing and are open with one another...And isnt LOVE supposed to be Unconditional...meaning you love the person but hate the sin?? Im not perfect either but we accept one another! We have lots of heart to hearts weekly..and have admitted hard ugly truths to each other and I feel it has brought us that much closer together! Its just hard TRUSTING again after things happen in a relationship but evertime I try to walk away from him I feel down deep inside that God tells me not to abandon him...so whats a girl to do?? Have Faith, Beieve ?? Dunno.. Thanx everyone for your answers too, u r appreciated :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Yeah, well female anon, this gal is from Texas, I lived in Texas right after college for twelve years and still have a sister and her family that live there, best friends live in Texas and I know what most Texans are about and I can tell from this woman's post she is been dealt a hand she doesn't want to have anything to do with and since can relate and probably agree with her background and belief system, I would have to say the best solution is to ditch the lying cheating sex addicted boyfriend.
Addicts are great liars, what ever kind they are, and unless he gets help for his addiction, she has a long road of more of the same ahead of her. Personally, I would also be scared of the contracting HIV from him.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I wouldn't be so sure he's gay. It sounds very possible he just wants to dress up like a woman and be treated as one. Which is kinky for sure, but not gay.
If you really want to save your relationship you could consider doing this for him. You never know, you might find you like it. By 'this' I mean, let him dress up, then tie him up and dominate him. That can mean a lot of things, but there's no shortage of books / websites out there for suggestions on how to. If you do this, you might well find he gets everything he needs from you and doesn't need to fantasize about it online.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): yes,... listen to rythmanandblues, and all the named aunt... we don't have names, so off course we don't have sense... listen to them, they know everything...
IN CASE OF PROBLEM, ALWAYS DUMP YOUR BOYFRIEND, because that's the only way... lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Apparantly the female anons who are so sure of their positions that they can't even have a screen name to let you know what they post about.
Further, they lack reading comprehension. Your boyfriend admitted he had a problem for a few years and he hasn't acted on it recently (read he has acted on it in the past=anonymous sex with people man or woman or transgender)....so he does need porn and random sex to make his life more interesting.
His fetish for cross dressing isn't a problem unless it is a problem for him and causes issues in his relationships or career. If you can't accept him for this and why should you, he lied to you about who he is at his core, or he is simply a sex addict....either way it is a crushing blow to you.
My advice, get out now, it is only going to go downhill from here.
And yes, there are a lot of perverts cruising this site, maybe one of them even placed the ad and charges for their services, how else would they know there are billions of men just like him who want to dress up in women's clothes and be dominated? I sure as hell don't know that, do you?
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female
reader, cupidislandgal +, writes (29 October 2009):
cupidislandgal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must add that I am the dominant one in our relationship and our sex life is AWESOME!! We role play alot and Im ok with that BUT I am concerned because alot of the porn was GAY porn and shemales!! Just concerned that he wants to be with a man but he said NO....I even went as far to say Hey u wanna bring another person in (which by the way is not how id usually respond) and he said no babe thats not what I want! The other CONCERN was the text he sent, just seems to me that he was acting on it but he said what stopped him from persuing it was me and I believe him..We r so good together..For the 1st time in my life I feel THAT connection with a man and Im 43 yrs young :) and yes he is alot younger than I am but what we have is beautiful! I just keep getting these images in my head you know??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): AND NO HE'S NOT GAY.. THEM PEOPLE ARE TALKING BULLSHIT.. He just likes soft stuff, just like a woman dose, that dosen't make him gay.. gay guys like the rough stuff....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): Texas, texas, texas... please calm down baby.. there is no problem, he just likes what he likes.
Your guy isn't a porn freak.. he dosen't need porn to make his life happier.. however, he is a man who likes the woman to take a strong role.. and he is a man who is jealous of all the pretty soft clothes us girls like to wear. He's not a freak, he's normal.. there a billions of guys like this.. He may look tough on the outside, but inside, he wants to be cherished and loved and wear soft things like a girl.
Don't freak baby, he's not unusual.. many men are like this... Now the only question is.. DO YOU LOVE HIM ENOUGH? Can you be the rough, tough woman that he seeks... Can you keep his secrets, let him be a man outside and take charge and be in control when you come home.. If this is difficult, then let him go, find a strong man who will control you... but he's done nothing wrong. This is who he is... a strong, sweet man outside, but inside he's a marshmellow puff of ice-cream... You have your dreams and your fantsies, why is he strange because he has his?
I wish you both luck, and he is not disgusting... men are just like us, sometimes that want to feel soft, and dominated... I wish you both luck, together or seperately.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): OMG, Sugar Bear is soooo right on this one girlfriend.
Yes you should quit your job and spend all your time monitoring your boyfriend's computer and cell phone because you know she has a degree in psychology and she knows that if you monitor someone and build a fence around them and try to control their behavior that you will be able to change his behavior!
Listen, wise up. I may be really old now, you know I am 50 and I think porn is the work of the devil and my religous beliefs tell me that your boyfriend is evil, and I have a degree in psychology and have done psychological research, given therapy in practicum almost earned my masters but changed my mind at the last minute and didn't do my thesis and I have lived for 5 decades, so I am sorry I may just not have a clue about anything when it comes to life and men but I will do my darndest to give you my advice.
Your boyfriend is addicted to porn. He is a loser on many counts, have some common sense. You cannot build a fence around him and act like a detective and monitor his behavior even though you want to do so because his lies are making doubt your own sense of reality.
Let him go. You can't fix him. He is not healthy enough to be in a committed relationship with you unless you want to drag yourself down to his level and live a life of a porn addicted bisexual experimental twit.
Let me guess, he has a problem with drugs and or alchohol that you didn't mention and a fair degree of financial irresponsibility....but hey, I am stupid and outdated so I am sure I am just pissing in the wind on that one.
You may love him, the man you THOUGHT he was, but he has been lying to you hasn't he. It is time to take the love goggles off, he is a boyfriend not a husband, that is the good news here. Wrong person, wrong choice for you.
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reader, SugarBear +, writes (29 October 2009):
OMG I am so sorry that really sucks. He is probably gay or bi and just has you for a cover up.. He is addicted to porn. I would not trust him at all. You will need to check his phone everyday and his computer,and he should let you. you wont be able to leave him alone on the computer so put the parental controls on it with a password or have someone come over and do it.No porn on tv either check the house for dirty magazines.. Its sick really. Now you have to check the cell phone record for the past few months. ... If it happens again dont waste your life no matter how nice he is. Are you guys having sex at all? Tell him you want the truth because you are investigating and will be watching his every move. That basically you will move out and leave if any of this continues in any way because you will not be humiliated like this..
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