A
male
age
36-40,
*ustin587
writes:Trouble getting started with relationships...I am a 20 year old male. At the age of 20, I have never been involved in a relationship. The farthest I have gone is I kissed a girl (a friend about a month ago), but she's not interested in a relationship and is much older than me (18 yrs).Anyways, I have decided to go ahead and try to start dating before I get older. My main problem is that the only place I go to daily that has a large number of women is my college. Unfortunately, since it's a community college, most of the women that attend are far older than me. My friends tell me to go to a bar (when I hit 21 that is), go to a club, or go to a party. Thing is, I don't drink, so that knocks out the bar. I don't enjoy crowded, noisy events, so that knocks out clubs and parties. I also had one friend that told me I should try online dating, but that sounds...weird to me.I don't think confidence is *that* big of an issue for me, but I do feel insecure about my inexperience. Should I be honest about my inexperience?I have had a good number of women claim that I was attractive, had a great personality, that I was honest and sincere, etc. I dunno how much of it was true, but I do try to be as nice to people as possible (I am something of a push-over). Of course, these people were also my friends...Also, I am not expecting to find a woman around my age that is a virgin, is the epitome of beauty, etc. I just simply want to know where to start :). The most important thing to me is to find someone that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, and doesn't have children, and is around my age, which eliminates 90% of the women I meet!
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male
reader, Dustin587 +, writes (25 September 2007):
Dustin587 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the advice! In response to what the first poster said, I agree that I am a little too picky. I would clarify though that I don't mind being around people that drink so long they don't drink all the time. Basically, I have several acquaintences that drink so much you can *always* smell alcohol on their breath...I can't handle that. However, if someone drinks in small amounts or only on weekends, that doesn't bother me at all. I should have clarified that, but I wanted to shorten my post as much as possible. However, for the smoking part, I can not handle someone that smokes. My mother smokes all the time, so when I visit her, I always politely ask if we can go somewhere or go outside (can't stand being in her house due to the choking air). Because of that, I have to greatly reduce my choices cuz most women seem to smoke :(.
I spoke to one of my best female friends earlier and she told me I shouldn't worry so much about relationships until I am around 25. She told me to basically have fun (aka have sex and not worry about wasting my time with love until I know what I want). I can see where she's going since the divorce rate and stuff is so high nowadays, but I dunno. I guess that's one of those things where you choose instant gratification or attempt to fulfill a goal. I just don't want to catch something that won't wash off the next morning and that's what I would expect to happen if I just looked for sex all the time with as many people as possible. I would like an in-between situation. In other words, I don't want to wait until I am married to have sex and waste my whole life trying to find the perfect person and refuse the pleasure side of life, but I don't want to just say heck with all my dignity and go out with anybody.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (25 September 2007):
hey there!
I know exactly how you feel! I dont drink either and it is SO SO SO hard finding someone who doesnt drink!!! My only bf I have ever had did drink but once he started dating me, I 'inspired' him to stop it and he gave it up and never touched it again-he wasnt too keen on drinking in the first place tho anyway.
Im sure pretty much everyone on this site has felt lik you at one stage in their life- scared due to their inexperience. I not too long ago felt like that as well. When I first started dating my bf I was soooo scared he would know that I had never kissed a guy before....but you know what? he had NO IDEA! In fact he kept telling me that I was sooo good at kissing. I was suprised because how could I be if I hadnt kissed someone else before?
So my point here is, dont fear something due to lack of experience. You could be a natrual at it all and if not, im sure there will be plenty of nice girls out there who are willing to be with you while you learn :) and it wont take you that long to get the hang of eveyrthing.
And in all honestly, as far as relationships go, even if you havent been in one before, many other peoplewho have been in like 5, still stuff up A LOT in relationships, because well no one is perfect i guess.
I have a friend who is your age, 20 and he has never had a gf before either. Never had sex. Only once kissed a girl. So you arent alone!There are other guys and girls out there who are prety much the same how you are. My frined fears that no girls will like him due to his inexperience but you know what? he is the most lovely person i know! And i think he is going to make the best bf for some lucky girl out there! doesnt matter if he hasnt had alot of expeirnece, he has a heart and its in the right place! He has awesome parents who have a wonderful mariage which he has learnt alot from about relaitonsihps too.
Now onto where to meet people...yeh it is hard, considering the most popular places that people our age hang out at is at clubs and so on..and that involves drinking. You feel pretty much like an outcast hey?
I know i do when im in those places. But its amazing the amount of people i have met who say 'hey arent you drinking?' and i say no and they congradualte me on having the guts to stand out from the crowd and to be my own person and to not drink just because its a social thing that many people do. so you should be proud of yourself to and i think any decent person at clubs wont turn you down because you dont drink.
what other interests do you have? spots? join a team. music? go to concerts and meet people there. reading? hang out at the library and meet people who have the same interests. i think you should re consider online dating. it is a good way to meet people that you woudlnt normaly run into! i know it seems weird but thats because it hasnt been around for that long. in 20 years from now it prob wont seem weird.
another thing you said is that you are nice but can be a pushover. its great that you can be nice! but i worry that since you are a push over people will use you and wont give you respect. this often does happen to people who let oters take advantage of them and so on. so maybe you should think about working on this, being assertice but not aggressive or passive. it would truly be a disapoiintment for someone like you who seems like such a good person to be used by others! :) let us know how it all goes
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A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 you need to broaden your horizons.
i don't drink or smoke but have gone to many bars, i don't particually like noisy places but they're not as bad as you anticipate, as for children, that could be understood because what man wants girlfriend with a child in tow.
but the criterias you're looking for are that of a 50 year old and to be honest, it's rare for young people to not drink or smoke so it's a difficult thing to be so adament about.
you probably are all those things but you need to find self worth and realise that you inexperience isn't a high factor, alot of girls find it sexy that they could be a guy's first. at not every girl is a sleep around who has years of experience, they may have had one boyfriend but that's understanble, you got to lower your standards and accept a girl for who she is, just because someone drinks and enjoys themselves on the weekend is personal preference and i'm sure nobody would make you go along if you didn't want to but it wouldn't be so bad.
there's no law saying you have to consume alcohol on entering a bar or club.
don't be set on finding someone and when the time is right, they'll find you. you can't go out looking for a relationship, it'll never work.
best of luck
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