A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Here' s the thing. My girlfriend has been complaining of lately that I don't spend enough time with her. I can totally understand her argument because I simply have too much going on to devote a large majority of my time to her. I work full time, go to school AND work out at the gym. Now here's where the problem starts. I'm a very active individual and I love to keep my body in shape. I believe this is what initially attracted her to me in the first place. She also comments on how she simply can't keep her hands off of my body. The thing is, she thinks I should spend LESS time at the gym so that I can be around her more. This is something I am not ok with. Ever since my last girlfriend of three years dumped me, I looked towards the gym to regain my self confidence. It has immensely upgraded my overall experience in life and so I have become a bit reliant (obsessive?) in maintaining my daily rountines. What I need is for her to understand that this physique that she adores so much wasn' t accomplished by sitting on my ass and watching tv for hours. It requires hard work, dedication and unfortunately time. Time that she wants. If I could be vain for a moment, I actually enjoy the random stranger complimenting me.My real question is, do women want the athletic guy even though his clock can't revolve around her or do they prefer an avergae joe who can spare more personal time with her? I personally feel she never would have taken interest in me three years ago when I was the skinny kid. It' s ironic. The thing that attracted her to me in the first place is the same thing she's trying to edge out of my life. These muscles are on rent. Just because I got them doesn't mean I'll keep them forever. I have to consistantly put work in to maintain them
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 July 2012):
Like others have pointed out, you don't need to spend that much time in the gym to maintain your body. I worked out every day to make my body the way it is now, and I maintain it by training 3 times a week and eating well. My workouts are 45 minutes max. which makes them easy to implement into every day life.
Also, you don't have to do all your workouts at the gym. You can do lots of body weight exercises at home, which is a lot more effective than lifting things (because let's be honest: all you'll accomplish is being good at lifting things up and putting it down again.)
If you want to maintain a good relationship with this girl or any woman for that matter, you need to compromise. Your looks are going to fade as you age, so the more time you spend obsessing over them, the worse you'll feel as time goes on. I'm not suggesting you should neglect your physique, just cut down the amount of time spent working out and spend more time with the people who make life worth living in the first place.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): This is all sounding a bit too vain...and you are maintaining a very superficial relationship.On one hand you are doing something productive and healthy for you, which does take up a great deal of time and obviously neglecting your women, versus the guys who spends their free time sitting on their ass jerking off in front of a computer to porn neglecting AND disrespecting their women. My point, it could be worse, but it's not.I think you need to find a compromise...invite her to join you at the gym and work out some days (not all, you need your alone time) together or change your schedule so you are there longer some days and shorter other days and two days rest which you are supposed to be doing anyway...just sayin' :-) I am a gym rat too...but my guy is not...I totally get it and you do get to a point where you don't feel good if you miss a day, it's a great stress reliever and all that. But when it takes over putting required work into your relationship and neglecting this beautiful women you are with, something has to give a bit. Please don't use the excuse you have to do this to maintain the body you have achieved that she is attracted to...if that's all you have and are trying to hold onto, something is seriously wrong. I would hope there is more to you (and her) than that.What women like depends on each individual woman, but what does change for most women on what kind of man they like usually comes with age and maturity. When I was in my 20-30's I had quite a list of what I was attracted to and what I wanted...but by the time I was in my late 30's early 40's (now) that great body just didn't mean so much to me anymore...I'd say 75% of the superficial stuff has long been crossed of my list and replaced with what the man has to offer as a whole...a man of substance... can he be faithful and trustworthy, is he a hard worker, a good father (if he has kids), down to earth and comfortable personality, does he make a good partner, are our sex drives in sinc, that kind of stuff...sure I have to be attracted to the guy, but you start to see a lot more things that are attractive then the muscles and six pack. Honestly, even though I go to the gym regularly and take pride in my body and trying to keep in shape, i am not even remotely attracted to the big muscled pumped up over tanned guys and their egos...it's really a huge turn off. I want a man who is humble, not superficial, self confident, but not arrogant. The guys that catch my eye at the gym are the ones who work out regularly, are not putting on a show and just do their own thing because they are working on getting in shape or working out to stay in shape. I'm not interested in them, it's just an observation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): what i understood is - u were a skinny kid once, who now owns a gr8 bod and u r not confident that just being the average joe will keep your gf around.
i think we all have been there, where we want to be the cool kids and once u reach there u are scared to lose it. so u try ur best not to ruin it.
i think you're doing the exact same thing.
i think u need to work on ur confidence and self-esteem.
imo you have made the gym ur fallback. and u believe that people will not leave u if u have a gr8 bod.. ur wrong. u need to get rid of all these negative thoughts about your body and yourself.
the fact that u think ur gf wouldn't have dated u if u did'nt own that body of yours, kind of tells that maybe u have, maybe, a sub-concious dislike for her.. and that u dont have much opinion of yourself.
bottomline is dont be insecure. a body is just a means.. you need to believe in yourself more and stop trying to impress people who judge you on your bod.
consider this, if you loved ur gf u would have made time for her.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 Get jacked n stay jacked bro. Nicely done. Im single cause of my routine n love it. Im so focused determined n driven. Its tough to compromise here try to tho. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 July 2012):
 another thought.... what happens if you end up with a woman who loves you mostly for your body when middle age hits and you are no longer quite as fit as you are now (and it will happen)?
she may leave for something younger and firmer.....
is that the kind of woman you want?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 What do you want, a girlfriend who wants to spend time with you in a relationship or random strangers complimenting you? You admit you are obsessive!
Its you choice, frankly it sounds to me that there isn't any room in your life, nor a lot of love in your heart, for her, she may be better off without you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 July 2012):
 How much time are you spending at the gym? How much time are you spending with her? You didn't elaborate on that.
From a woman's perspective, there's no point in having a boyfriend with huge muscles if he's not around. If the only time you want to spend time with her is in the bedroom, well, that's not going to cut it for most women.
You don't know this, but you are already on double secret probation. Frankly, it sounds to me like you resent having to spend time with her. She knows this already and is probably practicing the breakup speech.
I had a boyfriend like you once for a few months. I never got to spend time with him because he had a very busy hobby. It took me a summer to figure it out but when I did, it was so easy to break up with him. I already had gotten used to not having him around so breaking up with him was a piece of cake.
He came back around a few months later when he realized he'd lost out on a good thing (me and us as a couple) but by that point, it was too late. I was done.
It doesn't really matter what other women think about your schedule, though, does it? What matters is what your current girlfriend thinks about it. She clearly isn't happy.
Can you compromise at all? Do you compromise at all? If you don't alter something soon, you will soon be an ex-boyfriend. As I said, it doesn't matter how many muscles an invisible boyfriend has. He's invisible, out of sight, out of mind, soon written out of the storyline of her life. He may be looked back on, fondly, but he's an ex, sooner rather than later, if she is that unhappy about it.
I go to the gym. I spend time working out, so does my husband. There are many high intensity, effective, fast ways to maintain a muscular physique. I think Cerberus has you well summed up. You are addicted to the rush you get at the gym. Fine. Go to the gym if that's what floats your boat. You will have plenty of time very very soon, as there won't be a girlfriend to climb on the muscles. She'll be hanging out with the attentive average guy with nice muscles, perfectly content not to have an invisible, he muscular boyfriend.
If you want to spend time with someone, you find a way to make it work. You clearly aren't all that interested in spending time with her. If you were, you'd be here asking how to cut back on your gym time.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (19 July 2012):
 Original poster asks "My real question is, do women want the athletic guy even though his clock can't revolve around her or do they prefer an avergae joe who can spare more personal time with her?"
What women want is a relationship. This is a generalization of course. A relationship means trust, care, and reciprocation. Now she has been hanging around for three years so there is some sort of a relationship there. That is the answer to your direct question.
Now responsibly, we should discuss what brought up the question. She has been complaining a lot lately. That generally means one of two things. Either there is something wrong in the relationship, or something isn't happening that she thinks should be happening. You really should know what it is.
Last a bit of advice to you from the old man. You said those muscles needed attention to continue to thrive. The same is true of the relationship. It can't be maintained with a once a week contact. It won't keep working just because you are fun to look at. Trust me when I say that a relationship that you have built yourself will be as rewarding as the muscles you have built.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): Dude are you maintaining or are you building/cutting and if you're happy with the body you have now then you don't need to build or cut so spending hours in the gym daily does not make any sense when it's not necessary to maintain your figure. I have an 8 pack girls want to run their fingers on and guys want to see. I worked my ass off to build my physique and I'm very happy with it but mostly the extra strength and fitness it affords me. For the past 6 months I've only had time to work out 2-3 times a week because I too had a job and college work to do but I also have a relationship to maintain, I still have a very small body fat percentage. The choice is simple OP, you either want this relationship or you don't, don't give me some crap about needing it to maintain the body she likes, she'd probably love your body still if you gained weight but you wouldn't gain weight if you cut back anyway.
Sounds to me like you're using the gym for the rush, that amazing feeling of power and confidence that comes after a workout and using the idea that you can't cut back if you want to maintain your physique as an excuse not to let that go, you basically need your fix.
Of course you don't get to have a body like that if you don't maintain it, but you don't get to enjoy your body if you spend all day in the gym on your free time.
OP if you're as reliant as you say you are then you've done enough research to know that you don't need to do any more than 3 days a week while maintaining a good balanced diet to keep yourself toned. You can make more time for her and you know it but you want that buzz every day, that sense of working towards something, accomplishment, greater strength, the stress release and that freshly pumped muscle look.
I know the feeling, trust me, there is nothing better in this world for a guy to feel great than physical prowess.
But at what cost are willing you to have that? You really can't have more days off or cut back to a fartlek rowing session for 30 minutes on rest days instead of a full routine? You can't cut down your time in the gym to accommodate a girl who feels she's being neglected in terms of the amount of time she gets to see you. Is working out a hobby or a profession OP?
Or are you doing a split routine that requires full week workout sessions on different parts of your body?
Be honest about your reasons or do your research better OP, because you don't need to spend every day in the gym to maintain a good musculature and low body fat percentage, you should know that and if you don't then you need to find a different routine.
Split routines are great for guys who have time, I did one during my last break from college and it feels great to have a daily routine and it breaks up the boredom of a day, but my relationship is too important to neglect and frankly OP I'm not stupid to think it's a trade off because it's not.
You see it seems to me that your workout sessions are far more about the feeling, the addiction than it is anything to do with you needing to maintain your fitness because I know from first hand experience daily working out is for athletes building towards a specific goal or fitness junkies that need that rush because they're addicted.
You need to look at cutting down, because the whole idea of working out is to improve you, your body, your confidence etc. so that your life becomes better in general but you're letting other things in you're life slip because of this and that's kind of the opposite of why you started isn't it?
There comes a point when you have to realize working out for the sake of just doing it is completely against why you should be doing it because you've made it too much of a priority if you can't even adjust it slightly to accommodate a partner who feels neglected.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (19 July 2012):
 I understand your want/need to workout, but you are being really unfair to your girlfriend. If your own activities take precedence over her, it is time for you to live a completely single life and do what you want. If you want relationships in your life, you need to devote time to them to make them work. It is not a matter of making your clock revolve around her, it is a matter of giving her the time she deserves. If you don't feel she deserves it, let her go so she can find someone who thinks she is important.
To answer your question, I don't think women prefer a body type at all. I think they prefer a man who is genuine, thoughtful, and caring. You do not strike me as the thoughtful and caring type, you strike me as the "I can't get over myself" type who thinks everyone should bow down to your wonderful body but crappy attitude. I think you have an extremely big ego that I am not sure she can stroke enough for you to be happy. Muscles do not make relationships work. Thoughtfulness, caring, togetherness, and hard work make a relationship work.
Just to give you an indication of where I come from...I work out for an hour everyday when I get home from work. After that it is boyfriend, friend, family time. I don't work out on the weekend. I eat right and take care of myself. Guess what? My boyfriend has a small pot belly. He's attractive inside and out. He exercises but not as much as I do and I don't care if he does or not. I'm not with him for his body. I'm with him because of everything else he is.
If you choose not to spend time with your girlfriend (and I don't know how much time you already spend with her and how much time you work out), she may decide to find someone who has the time and leave you.
No offense, but I think you have a very shallow definition of what makes a man and a very shallow definition of what makes a woman.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 July 2012):
 How much time DO you spend at the Gym?
And do women want athletic guy, yes, but not the overdeveloped "Jersey Shore Juicehead look-alikes" (If you know what I mean) And honestly I can't stand vain men, I know it's sexist but guys who are so self absorbed is a huge turn on as well. Looking good and feeling good is only HALF the battle in life. Being good, doing good is way more important.
I think if working out makes you happy, then you need to find a balance between the Gym and the GF.
I can't really answer further til you tell me how much time you spend at the Gym.
Personally I spend 1-2 hours every other day and that works for me. But I would never give up doing things with my family so I can go to the Gym. Like I said you have to find a balance.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (19 July 2012):
Dont trade your health or self-confidence for any woman. If you have your life together and have self-confidence, women are a dime a dozen, esp woman who want to be your gf. Your health and self-confidence are most definitely not a dime a dozen.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 July 2012):
if you are working out 2-3 hours daily you are not letting your body rest...
my take... i would want a guy who is healthy but not overly developed.
I would want a guy who is balance... who can miss a gym day now and again....
I would rather have a guy who works out one hour a day or 2 hours 3 days a week than a guy who is constantly in the gym...
I wish my guy did that, I'd go to the gym too.. I miss it...
I lost my gym momentum early in our relationship and now i can't seem to get it back... but I do take an hour a day to do something at home that's workout related... however I will skip a day as needed so that we can do stuff together (and we live together)
you have to find a balance
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): Maybe you could offer her this compromise: if she wants to spend gym time with you, she should come along to the gym with you.
After 3 years, if you are concerned that she is with you mostly because of your body, you may want to reevaluate your relationship.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 July 2012):
 Tell your girlfriend exactly what you just told us. Let her decide whether your muscles are worth her being alone when you are at the gym. But I would prepare myself for the worst if I were you. Or maybe you don't really care all that much anyway.
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