A
female
age
26-29,
*ovelyprincess
writes:Hello everyone, so I'm in a situation that I've never been in one before. And I don't know where to start so I'm going to try to keep it as short as possible. I have a daughter that is 8 years old. Her father and I have been split up since she was 8 months old. We had her at a young age, I was 18 and he was 19. A few months after we broke up he started dating someone new and they got married right away and have been married every since. He hasn't ever cheated on her like ever. Well in August he started to text me more then he usually did because we have always only talked when it had to with our daughter. So I found it very odd that he started texing me more.Then one day he said he wanted to talk to me in person about something. So I let him come over, and he said that he wanted to have another baby with me because our daughter really wants a sister from me. He has 2 other sons, so I was pretty shocked when he asked me that. He said he would tell his wife but I told him not to because I wasn't ready to have another baby and he's married so that's a no to having a baby with him. Before he left my house he kissed me which was also shocking. Any way fast forward to now, we text every single day since he told me he wanted a baby with me. He has told me several times that he loves me, he's always loved me and is in love with me. We have hungout in public, and we've hungout together with our daughter. We have also had sex more than once. A few weeks ago I tried to end things. He came to my house and begged me not to end things because he loves me, and can't go a day without talking to me and not talking to me kills him. So I felt bad and didn't end things. Now it's like his feelings are getting more stronger or something, I'm not sure. Friday he texted me and said he was at home alone and wanted me to come over and cuddle.. I was hesitant because I don't want us to get caught and being at his house would get us caught. But I went anyway.When we was cuddling he was kissing me on the forehead, holding my hand, and just holding me. He always does this when we do cuddle and stuff. Anytime he sees me whether it's him picking up my daughter for the weekend, or us just hanging out it's like he can not keep his hands off me. And I have noticed that when we are cuddling I can literally feel that he loves me. I have feelings for him too, but not as strong as he has them for me. After we got done cuddling and stuff at his house we went out to eat. And we live in a very small town and everyone knows everyone, so it's easy for us to get caught. We even take pictures together, and he keeps all of our texts and pictures on his phone where his wife can easily find them. We see each other once or twice every week and every time I see him he gives me hickeys that are noticeable, and I ask him why he gives them to me and he says "it's to let people know he's been here". He has became very sensitive because a few days ago he said that he wants me to text him first sometimes.But I told him that I was scared to text him first because I didn't want to get caught and he said that I was allowed to text him and that it was okay. He also wants me to start telling him I love him. And now he wants to get me something for Christmas. He has told me that he doesn't want me with anyone else and that he will hate it if I do find someone else, and he told me yesterday that he looks at my facebook every day. A few weeks ago he told me that things with his wife aren't good and that they was close to getting a divorce. At the this point I don't know what to do because I don't have the same feelings as he does. Yes I care for him because he's my daughter dad's. So my question is does he really have feelings for me like he says he does? And what should I do about the situation. I don't want to hurt to him but I also don't want to get hurt, so I'm torn between wanting to end things or continue them because my daughter has been saying she wants us to get back together.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2019): Just think this.....You are committing adultery.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 December 2019):
 Honestly, OP
You should know better. It doesn't MATTER that he hasn't cheated on his wife before (that you KNOW of) HE is cheating now. And he is making you PART of the deceit of his marriage, family and wife.
SO what that they are "very close to getting a divorce"? It doesn't matter! It doesn't make YOUR and HIS action and choice to CHEAT OK- EVER! There IS no justification in cheating. None. While HE is the married on, it doesn't absolve you of being guilty here. You are partaking in destroying a marriage and family with 2 SMALL boys.
HE chose to marry someone else. To have MORE kids with someone else. HE has to figure out if breaking up his little family is what HE needs to do.
He IS NOT available to you. Other than for sex and sweet nothing words.
And we ALL know when this cheating comes to light it's YOU people will "hate" and have issues with.
Is THAT the kind of example you want to set for your daughter? That's it's OK to FUCK another woman's husband? Because you dated him a long time ago and made a baby but no real commitment? That morals are for "other" people, not you?
I can see why an 8 year old would LIKE to have a sister. But do you HONESTLY think that HIS wife would be OK with that? Would YOU be OK with your husband making a baby with another woman? I seriously doubt that.
Take some flipping responsibility for YOUR action and choices.
Don't let this guy USE you. All he has to do is say a whole lot of sweet nothings and off goes your panties, morals and common sense. Really OP? Are you THAT kind of a woman?
Why do you think his marriage isn't working? You REALLY think it's ALL the wife's fault? That he is some innocent bystander? CHEATING bystander, I might add.
You have made a life for you and your daughter, the SAME daughter HE chose to NOT have anything to do with for quite a while. Let's say you get knocked up. You might have a boy not a girl. You then have to TAKE him to court to get Child support, unless he is already divorced it will DEFINITELY be out that HE messed around with YOU behind his wife's back and you were a WILLING participant. So the wife will blame you, HE might even do the same. So HE doesn't look like the douche that he is.
You are NOT going to ride off into the sunset all happy as things stand, and you know it.
HAVE some integrity. HAVE some morals and most of all HAVE some common sense.
Don't do this to yourself.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (2 December 2019):
 Goodness me.
Are you for real here? Who cares if it’s your daughters father, you are CHEATING with someone else’s partner. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot and someone was fucking your husband? Where are your morals?
If their marriage is in the shitter then let it crash and burn on its own, it doesn’t need your interference does it? You can carry on screwing him when he’s single, nobody likes a homewrecker. Get a grip and tell him not to text you unless it’s to do with your child.
He sounds mentally unstable to be quite honest. He’s married to someone else and wants a baby with you? What planet is he living on?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): [EDIT]: Typo corrections
"That's another mouth to feed, body to clothe, and another kid with a daddy that isn't with his or her mother!"
"He's the sperm-donor who sends a check, and visits like an uncle; instead of living with his offspring like a good father, and a loving-husband."
P.S.
Didn't you learn once before that he runs from his responsibilities? Eight years ago, he met somebody else; and he left you and his daughter for her!
If you think you'll even the score by taking him back, you're in for a rude-awakening, my dear! You'll struggle with that second child. He has a daughter and two sons, and she is going to make sure he pays financially and she'll get her pound of flesh!
Go ahead and steal her husband; and you've yet to see what a vexed ex-wife, with two kids, can bring-down on a cheating ex-husband!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): He's using you for side-sex. He's bored with the familiar vagina he had for eight years; and just knew he could easily coerce you into an affair!
And here we are!!! You have a conscience, and that's why you're here!
In his mind, you were easy-pickings! A bird in the hand! Single and needy, with no immediate romantic-prospects!
You're very young, but not so young you don't know when a guy is throwing you a line of bull-poop! It didn't take much did it?
All guys who cheat claim it's because they're having trouble with their current woman...be it his wife, or a girlfriend. Ever heard of the possibility of them working it out?
Now he has dragged you down to being his "side-piece" in-a-pinch. Until another unfamiliar fresh-vagina comes along; and he'll dip into that one too! He has now tasted the forbidden-fruit of cheating, and broken the barriers!
Have a baby for him? What are you, an incubator on two legs? Just set aside for breeding purposes?
Hello! That's another mouth to feed, body to cloth, and another kid with a daddy that isn't with his or her mother! He's the sperm-donor who sends a check and visits like an uncle, instead of living with his offspring like and a father and husband. Do you think his wife is going to give-up without a fight??? She will be a thorn in your side as long as she possibly can! You helped destroy her marriage!
Don't expect any grand romance to come of this; and don't expect him to come running to you to marry you after his divorce. The odds of an ex engaging in an affair is pretty high, and most cheaters and players know that! Something secret, naughty, and nasty!
Here's what you can count on and look forward to! His future ex-wife is going to give you both extreme baby-mama drama; because nothing scorns a female more than the woman who cheated on her being an ex, or a woman she knows!!! If you didn't know that, be prepared!
You are complicit in the betrayal of his marriage; and you are also cheating on his sons, by helping to breakup their family. They'll never forget what you did! The past doesn't mean squat! He's married to another woman! Your daughter doesn't give you rights to cheat on his wife. Let's see how a cheating-husband suits you; if God forbid, it ever happens to you!
It's unfair to you, and a very poor example set before your daughter. Unfair to you, because he played on your vulnerabilities and naivete. He knows you're lonely, and would jump at any chance to see him choose you instead of her. He played on your womanhood and weaker-sensitivities! You didn't really resist; but you know you had to say you did. Whether you did or didn't, he's still married!
The worse thing you could ever do is use your daughter as an excuse. How convenient! This is going to mess her head up!
In short, nothing good is going to come of this...and you know it!!!
Sweetheart, I had to be harsh. Your heart is tender, and you are so young. You also need tough-love to see past your feelings. I'm not trying to be mean to you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 December 2019):
 Stop it. You’re old enough to know better.
He WILL cheat on you.
You should NOT have sex with a man who isn’t single.
You can NOT promise a sister for your daughter.
Your daughter does NOT actually want a sister - she’s 8; she wants a lot of things.
You’re NOT being a responsible woman or mother, right now.
IF you decided to have another baby, it should NOT be with a cheater; it should be with a man you’re in love with and committed to - with him being in love and committed (married) to you too.
Come on, OP. Cut all contact with this cheater, aside from anything NECESSARY linked to your daughter. You should NOT visit him or be alone with him. You should NOT be flirting with him or even considering sex with him.
Time to be responsible. Be better for your daughter.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (1 December 2019):
 Wow! Where to start?
Firstly, YOU are the adult in this situation. Your daughter cannot make decisions for you. You cannot get back with her father because SHE wants it, or have a baby because SHE wants it (not least because you cannot guarantee her a SISTER). She is 8 years old. Tomorrow she will want a unicorn. Are you going to consider that too?
Next, have you ever heard the saying "win them by cheating, lose them to cheating"? Do you think your ex will treat you any better than he is currently treating his wife? Could you ever trust him? I wouldn't mind betting he is still sleeping with his wife and telling her he loves her.
If he loved you so much, why has he waited so many years to try to win yo back? Oh wait, his marriage is going through a rocky period. THAT will be it. So his way of coping is by lining up the replacement before the relationship falls apart so that he doesn't have to be alone.
In your shoes I would:
- STOP him coming over.
- STOP him marking you as his property all the time (it's really trashy, especially as you are no longer kids).
- STOP letting him believe your feelings for him are the same as his for you.
- STOP having sex with him (I hope you have been using effective contraception).
- STOP making important life decisions based on what an 8 year old child says she wants.
- STOP believing ANYTHING he tells you.
He hasn't ever cheated on her like ever.
"it's to let people know he's been here"
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (1 December 2019):
 Deep down inside you know that this situation is not good or right. Is it really that hard to admit it to yourself and walk away? Do not let this man sweet talk you into having another baby. That is the last thing that you need! He's a liar and a cheater. You know this. I understand being lonely and he's familiar but he's not a good man and you are knowingly cheating with a married man.
I have never said this on DC before but I have been in a situation very similar to yours years ago with my first husband when I was only 21. We got married at 19 because I was pregnant, had a baby within 2 years we were divorced because he was emotionally/physically abusive. He got another girl pregnant before the divorce papers were even signed.He married as soon as our divorce was final. Even with everything he had done to me I still loved him or thought I did and was devastated. He said it was a mistake and he still loved me. I was young vulnerable and stupid. I let him back into my life and we got involved intimately while he was expecting a baby with his wife. I felt that he was still mine and his wife just trapped him. I didn't care that I was cheating. It was wrong..wrong..wrong. It took me a little time to realize that I truly didn't want him back, he was a jerk and a cheater and a liar. I ended things, moved away and became a much happier person. That was close to 35 years ago and he has now been married and divorced 5 times. He STILL tries to get back in touch with me whenever a relationship ends. I just laugh.
Darling..you deserve better and so does your daughter. End the affair. He likes having 2 women want him but he's not worth it. What makes you think even if he divorces his wife that he would come back and be a good guy? Odds are he won't change.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2019): OK if you don't have strong feeligns for him then why is any of this happening? If you put aside the fact taht he's cheating (we'll come back to that) you're letting him believe that you two have a future when you don't really love him. Isn't that kind of crappy? If we accept that this man is in love with you, and you aren't in love with him, then why are you giving him hope by having an affair?
Back to the wife. If he is really in love with you then why is he with this other woman? Why has everything between them been good enough for 8 years? Why after 8 years of minimal contact is he suddenly in love with you?
Is his marraige over and he's afraid of being alone so he's reached out to the most obvious person to get into a relationship with? Does he really love you or does he just need a crutch?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 December 2019):
 Ask him what his wife thinks about him withdrawing from his marriage and sons to have sex with you and play happy families.
He is a cheater, wants to get you pregnant again to keep you close, he is such a good father he didn't even see his child for the first 12 months of her life (too busy elsewhere) and refused to have a DNA.
He is not a nice guy, avoid him at all costs, he is a user and a manipulator. Call his wife and ask her if that is why they are considering divorce.
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