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writes: [MOD NOTE: Two questions posted together]I know my children will be fine, son of 17 and daughter of 14. They went into independence early and their social skills are advanced. Knowledge has been fed into them. I studied psychology etc... But what about me? My kids have abandoned me!! I miss them. I'm not included. They say horrible things to me. And just think I am a joke. My parents and stepparents were not nice like me and they were hard. It was all about them. They abandoned me too. I don't like anyone around here and how they are all treating me. I'm thinking No more Mr Nice guy. I am so angry that I barely care because what they have done to me I have gone off them. And I don't hurt because in my childhood, I was raised to survive. I think I was too soft on my kids. Please don't jump on the bed, I'll get you a trampline next week. So they continue to and smash a window breaks because a doll is thrown through it. Now what did I tell you? Next, with the flu I'm in bed and they come up to me with a nice big drink of coke apologising and its for you and disappear. I phone the poisons centre. They tried to poison me at age 4. Filled with window cleaner. I think its time for me to get tough. What do you guys think?I think my children were born with defiance disorder. ODD. No-one elses kids were as extroverted, met strangers and entertained to form a crowd around them, confident to perform acts on stage, so socially popular, yet at home this motivation to get what they want from birth. Lie, manipulate like they are evil, and as a baby scream and cry until getting it. I was 13 when I brought home a boyfriend. It wasn't long before the police were contacted. Too young for a boyfriend. To keep us seperated, I was placed into an institution and reports said, parent has no control. That was the strictness in my day. Children were seen and not heard and if a parent wacked you, it was because you antagonised them. If you did some-thing wrong you were too scared to go home, but endured the anger and tellings off. My children sound like my parents to me and I'm kind of thinking this is a personality thing and I'm wondering if I should be like all of them back. Everyone seems to be my authority around here. And noone cares that much about me. I don't know if I like any-one in my family and if I wish to see any of them ever again. What do you think? Reply to this Question
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reader, RAINORFIRE  +, writes (15 August 2009):
 Never heard of ODD but ADD, you need to get these children to a psychologist asap. You should be in counseling im not sure how things work in new zealand but what youve been through is domestic violence sounds like you have battered woman syndrome. many more are experiencing this your not alone find a group and get professional help.
You need to cut your family out for now and focus on your kids.
Use your the internet to find resources help and direction be strong you can get through this but you need to act now and take drastic steps dont change who you are the change the world around you your kids need you beleive it or not dont abandon them
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy children are the authorities over the authorities. My son is hard nosed. The school put my son on a plan for conduct. How dare they. So he figured his way out, to leave. He will just move on. My son went through a trauma at 7 years of age. Dad was the boss and I debated I had a say too, I was beaten up so badly, the kids could not return. My son was screaming for me. Then blamed me. Then attacked all authorities. Dads on his way into prison now. My daughter almost made head prefect, but if a girl goes to hit her, my daughter almost kills
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reader, rcn +, writes (15 August 2009):
 You have feelings, or you wouldn't be on here asking this question. This is a serious problem, and although independent in some ways, having ODD will not allow their independents to be successful. I haven't worked with many ODD clients. The ones I have worked with, the ODD was an inability to express or appropriately display emotion. Anything goes wrong, abrupt or violent anger is their way of showing even the smallest of issues that are bothersome.
Are your children living with you? I'd recommend a psychological examination to assess and properly diagnose. They can help you develop a plan, or if severe enough recommend in-patient treatment. I wouldn't say it's being no more mr. nice guy. The ODD, if that is the diagnosis would continue. The few I successfully helped, we developed a plan of regularity. Dinner at the same time. Homework at the same time, same with waking up, cleaning and doing chores etc. The we made a list of their schedule. Each day it was followed with no abnormal behaviors, they'd get to mark it themselves with a star. A red dot for every outburst or not following their schedule. After a week they are tallied. If they stayed within certain boundaries, they'd get a prize. The key to doing this is to get them to praise themselves for having a good day. You might also, but it's their personal praise for putting a star on there that begins to create the sense of being responsible for their actions, and accepting the consequences.
There also has to be clear punishments for disorderly conduct, defiant behavior, or violating house rules. Discuss and agree upon punishments for different things with them. This way, their involved in the decision process, and they know what to expect if they violate where the punishment is attached to.
But before doing any of this, seek the full psych. exam. You want to rule out the possibility of attached or sub disorders. Depending on what might be attached, this process could be ineffective. So you want to know what you're dealing with before doing anything.
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