A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Can anyone offer some well needed advice please?I've been with my fiancé for 10 years - I got with him when I was 20 and he was 29. We are getting married in August.I do love him otherwise I wouldn't be with him but I keep getting doubts as to wether I'm doing the right thing and heres why.... Before I met him I never had a serious relationship- I went out on a few dates with guys but never had a "proper" boyfriend and he is the only guy i've ever slept with. What I'm worried about is that I've missed out on relationships with other men and being intimate with other guys. If I get married I will never know sex with another person, I'll never have a 1st kiss with someone else, I'll never have a 1st date and get that nervous excited feeling again etc....It's different for him as he had various relationships and slept with a few other women before he met me but I feel in missing out.I also keep developing crushes on random people and fantasising how it would be like to sleep with them.I envy my single friends and colleagues when they go on about going on their 1st few dates and seeing how excited they are. I know that all relationships fizzle out after a while and people settle down and things an get boring...I know I sound awful for admitting this so any advice is appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): The grass is always greener.
What do you think a few meaningless tumble in the hay experiences will contribute to you as a person? Not much really other than to teach you to appreciate what you've got.
If you do love him and are happy with him then stay. Bad relationships are overrated. No one sets out to have them!Your friends are dating so much so that they hopefully find themselves in your position. You see the first day nerves but what you don't see are the tears, broken hearts and disillusionment that follow a lot of first dates. The disappointment mounts and desperation takes hold and they settle more and more for scum. It really isn't an enviable position. Honestly, if you are happy then don't leave.
If however you are not happy in the relationship then ofcourse you need to work on that first. It might just be that you need to go back packing in a developing country for some rejuvenation. That might scratch your itch and give you the excitement you crave.
Good luck OP.
You have something good going. Don't throw it away for a few bad dates that you won't mean much in a few years.
It is ok to be curious about sleeping with other people. That's normal. Men and women who have had previous partners still get attracted to other people than their husband or wife. That's normal. And natural. If you find yourself wanting to act on it then maybe you are not as satisfied as you think with your current.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): I don't know why no one has answered your post. I myself passed it by a few times. Not avoiding it, but I had to think about it first.
You can't setback the clock. The years past, are past.
Even if you had a variety of romances under your belt. It is never advisable to marry with doubt in your mind. No matter how much you think you love someone.
"After you're married," is not the time to decide you want to act on the feelings you've described. Middle-age sets in, and the next thing you know; you're having a series of covert lovers. Cheating!
That is how the cheating is rationalized after being married. "I missed it all before."
Do some introspection. Ask yourself why you agreed to marry this man? If you really had nothing to compare him to, and had no real experience, what made you feel he was all you needed until now? You may be getting the bridal-jitters, as your wedding approaches.
The finality and sudden realization you have to take vows under matrimony is pretty scary.
I will go as far as to say you've already been married for 10 years. You've isolated yourself, and committed to one man; because you didn't want to deal with the dating scene. Like most people who form long-term relationships that last years before considering marriage, you got complacent. You were content. You were a girlfriend longer than many women are wives these days! It's all predictable.
You are suddenly yearning for romantic adventure. Feeling a new self-awareness. Realizing how much life you let getaway from you, while you avoided it seeking shelter from life in co-dependency. You didn't want to be single and independent when you should have been in your earlier developing years.
If you are not ready. Don't do it. It's not fair to either of you.
If you only agreed to marry; because you feel obligated to, that isn't for love. Not only because you've already invested 10 years; so you're doing it because everyone is expecting you to.
If you marry your fiance'; will you be completely glad you did? Or will you always feel like you've missed the best years of your 20's?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 Runny thing about doubts is they evolve into distrust and then years later into regrets. MY advice is to always trust your instincts. They can't fail as they(the instincts) are your ONLY self-defense mechamnism. You might ask yourself the following," If I ignore my self defense mechanism for the sake of satisfying a social pressure "norm" will I regret it twenty years from now?" That will give you the answer you seek. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): I'm almost 29 and single. I've been with other guys and experienced the excitement in which you described.
I would much prefer to be in your situation, getting ready for marriage and having a future to look forward to. I hate being single and at this age I mostly get users and players who don't want to commit to even having a girlfriend. You are LUCKY so enjoy you got it right first time around in finding a good guy. There is no fun in getting your heart broken or having losers use and abuse you. Appreciate what you have!!
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (26 January 2015):
It might be worth reading this post to help you weigh things up. Granted this is a slightly extreme example, but it's definitely worth remembering that not all first dates are exciting and many people are putting up with this sort of thing trying to find a loving and committed relationship like you say you have: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-am-starting-to-dislike-and-distrust-men.html
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