A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am supposed to get married in less than 3 months. I have to move to his city which is 4-5 hours away and relocate to another office for work where I don't know anyone. I am really scared about this and he doesn't seem to think this is a big deal - he says everything will be ok and that he's used to moving around a lot. He doesn't seem to understand that this is a big change for me and thinks I am being negative. My feeling is that ever since we got engaged, he kind of takes for granted that I will marry him for sure which makes me angry. He doesn't have a doctor there, and hasn't even looked for a doctor for me yet even though he said he would. I feel really angry from time to time, because I feel like he doesn't understand what I'm going through and is trivializing everything and not giving me the support that I need because this is difficult for me. He is saying that maybe I don't see what it takes for him to be my supportive half and that he is tired of sleepless nites dwelling on a negative pool of thoughts and just tells me to try to be more positive. He is telling me to look at the future and that change is good, and for me not to be lazy. He says that I require a great deal of inertia for me to do anything. When his sister comes to town, he doesn't even email me or call me, not that he usually does. I'm wondering if I should call it off because I am scared of the future and feel angry and upset from time to time and feel like he doesn't care/appreciate me the way he used to before we got engaged and that he takes me for granted. But I don't know if I have enough guts to call it off at this point because it is very late and that means that basically we will no longer be together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Hold on, you can't get married if your feeling like this. I don't things will get better after you get married, but I think a least some of your problems are to do with your own faulty thinking.
You accepted this man's ring, you agreed to get engaged, so of course he should assume your going to marry him. Engagement is a promise to get married, it's not just a way for you to get a new ring. If your not sure give him back the ring and see if you can go back to being girlfriend and boyfriend again.
As to the moving thing, if he's moved around a lot, why should he understand your concerns. Do you understand his point of view that moving is easy and no trouble at all. You don't understand him because you haven't had his experiences, and he dosen't understand you because he's lived a different life. Don't be selfish and expect your boyfriend to understand everything your feeling. He's not you.
If your worried about moving away, then maybe your not committed to him as you think. Being married is a total change and so is moving away. Think carefully before you take this step, but you should be approaching your future life with excitement rather than staying in this half-way house where you want the future, but you want to stay in the past as well.
Your boyfriend is right, you are afraid of change and would rather remain with the status quo. I feel sorry for him if he has to spend sleepness nights trying to reassure you and your insecurities rather than having the fun that a loving engaged couple should be having. Cling on to the past if you want to, stay right where you are, but this man has ambition, he's not afraid embrace change, to move on and grab every opportunity that presents itself to him.
You complain about him taking you for granted, but I didn't hear one word about how he might be feeling or sympathy for his difficulties in this relationship. What do you do to make him feel loved and wanted. How do you show him your love and appreciation....I'm surprised that you didn't mention love for this man in your post. You seem to be only staying with this man because you don't have the guts to break of the engagement. If you don't love him and you can't accept his ways and find happiness with him, then break off the engagement now. It'll be harder to get married and be faced with a divorce. Finish with him and allow him to get on with his life with a woman who can give him the support and love he needs.
A
female
reader, interlud3 +, writes (25 June 2008):
Alright.
What you two need is a real discussion.
I don't think that your husband is understanding your views. So - try this method. Write all of your feelings to him in a letter, and for a day DO NOT SPEND ANY TIME WITH HIM. Go out with your friends, give yourself a little alone time. This may work because you could give him and yourself a little headspace - and letters are given more patience and attention.
Good Luck, and don't call it off =).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): All I can say is, What is a ring on your finger going to do, to change your finance behavior? If you have talked to him about it, and all he does is trivialize it, it means he doesn't have your true hearts desire in mind. Every day, both you and your spouse, should say when they wake up is "What can I do to make his/her day better?" If he isn't asking that now, I don't think he will after the "I Dos." You are a Lady, and deserve to be treated as such. God Bless!
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