A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A year and a half ago, my husband had an affair. The OW got pregnant. We decided to separate because of this and I moved away. My husband's reasons for starting the affair are many, but one of them being that I didn't want children yet and he did. In my defense, I didn't think we could afford it, plus we were in the middle of remoldeling a house built in the late 1800's, in other words, not safe for children. In the emails I found in discovering his betrayal, they are all about how she can't wait to have his baby and how horrible I am because I don't want children. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I left and decided to start my life over, I couldn't compete with this innocent child for his love and my husband wanted to be responsible for this child (his father left when he was 1, so he never really knew him). My husband tried to make it work with the OW, but she changed and wouldn't even see him. In fact the final straw was when she told him she had been beaten up and decided to have an abortion because she didn't want the baby anyway. He is completely against this and was furious and heartbroken and never wanted to speak to her again. About 10 months ago we started talking again and decided to work on our marriage since we didn't have this child to create friction between us, no we just had a run of the mill affair to heal. However, yesterday he received a letter in the mail from the state, the OW is suing for child support. She had lied about the abortion and had the baby, it is 6 month old! My husband and I are together, he moved here to be with me and we have been working very hard on reconciling and building our marriage into something stronger than it ever was before. I have been in and out of counseling battling severe depression because of all of this. I'm not sure I can handle this as well. My question is has anyone been through a similar situation and how has it turned out? I'm not sure what my role should be in this.
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female
reader, Nici1216 +, writes (16 August 2011):
I am so glad to see other people struggling with similar situations as myself.
I got with my daughters dad when I was 19 and got pregnant a year later. I was living 600 miles from my family and things had been kind of rocky for 2 mnths with us. I was in disbelief when I discovered o was expecting. I freaked out and left in the middle of the night to go move back home. I ended up telling him and he moved back up to where I was so we could be together. I had my daughter in Febuary of 2008, not even two mnths later ny best friends neighbor tells me he had been cheating on me while I was pregnant.
I was completely hysterical! We lived in apartments and I went to my building next door confronted him and took my daughter to my moms.Needless to say I wanted to work things out, I lived him and we had this beautiful new baby. He swore that it would never happen again because jw realized how much I meant to him when I about died delivering our daughter.
I thought things were good and when she was about 2 he proposed and I accepted. But 7-8 mnths later I get a letter requesting paternity in the mail. I knew right away it was his I just ha d a feeling and the baby was born the same mnth as my daughter. I call him dreaming out bc now its not just an affair but a baby is involved. And to top it off she named the baby after him.
I was already seeing a therapist thank god!! I have never been so upset and felt so betrayed in my life. Shortly after the paternity results come back I found out I will prolly never have anymore kids. Between that and another women's baby I have been a mess since.
I feel like I cannot let go its all I think about. It has almost been a year and it feels wk fresh. I feel like I wasn't women enough to keep him from cheating, I am not women enough to have a baby. I just feel horrible all the time.
My daughter is about to meet her brother for the first time and I feel like a horrible person bc I don't want her to love him. I have so much anger and resentment I see no light at the end of my tunnel.
A
female
reader, notagain +, writes (25 December 2010):
I can only speak of my situation but it still hurts. I met my boyfriend when I was 18, he was 24. I did not want to be with him because I did not think he could be faithful to me. After a few months of dating, around Thanksgiving we were great. I finally felt like I was with the person I was suppose to be with. Then, he told me the OW was pregnant. I tried to stay out of his life because I couldn't take him going over her house all the time, while she was pregnant. Then, around Christmas, I found out I was pregnant. I decided to have an abortion because I was thinking about the future. Our babies would be the same age. I didn't want my child to compete with another child for their father's attention. In June of 2008, I got pregnant again. I ended up miscarrying after the OW had her baby, probably because all of the stress of him going to visit "his other baby"....I told him to take a paternity test. The baby wasn't his. He told me once he gets his name of the OW's child birth certificate, she would be out of our lives. Meanwhile, I get on Depo. I think my heart wanted me to get pregnant to feel like I was special in his heart but my brain was against it. I knew a baby was not a solution. I thought the Depo was making me crazy. I couldn't sleep at night. I was crying everyday. I felt like the OW was still in our lives. In Aug of 2009, I looked through his phone records and found out he was still calling her everyday, while he was at work, when I would go to the gym, pretty much when I wasn't around. I kicked him out. We separated for a couple of months but he kept coming to my apartment and to my parents house. He asked my dad for my hand in marriage. He even found a bigger apartment for us to live in. I still loved him so I agreed. I got pregnant November of 2009. But the pain from the past was too much. I got another abortion and moved out on my own. Then, my mother died in a fire and he was there for everything. I decided to move back in with him. When the lease was up, he wanted to move outside of our city for a fresh new start. So, we moved together and everything was going great. I was starting to feel like I am in a normal relationship. And now I am pregant but depressed. I am looking back at our relationship. I am 24, the age he was when we met and now he is 30. I feel like the last 6 years have been a mess. I am realizing that I deserve better. I am 8 weeks pregnant and I told my family this time because I knew they would be happy so that might make me happy. But it hasn't. I wish I wouldn't have told anyone and I would have had a medical abortion earlier. Now, I just feel stuck. I can't spend the rest of my life feeling insecure, and I am realizing now, that is how I feel with him. I have never weighed as much as I do now in my life. I have not the happy person I was since I was 18. I always believe that when you get married, it is "til death do you part." But when someone brings another person in the relationship, how are you suppose to forget that? I am not married but that OW will always be on my mind while I am with him. Her name, her phone, the texts she sent to him and him to her. How he treated me when I was the pregnant with his babies. I wished I would have walked away and stayed when he first told me. I guess it boils down to you get treated the way you want to be treated. If you stay, you're saying it is ok to treat you that way. If you leave, you stand up for your dignity.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This situation happened to me. My EX-Husband had an affair with a ex-girlfriend and she became pregnant. This situation was very hard for me. The OW knew that he was married because we were separated when they met. She even tried to be-friend me when we were trying to work it out. He denied the child for years. I know that only God brought me through this situation. It has been 9 years since this has happened. My ex-husband has recently married the OW, since being recently released from prison. I know that God had something better for me. I have been married to my current husband for 2 years. I knew that I wasn't strong enough to deal with that situation. Infidelty is a hard pill to swallow. However, having a child from that is another level to disrespect. I know that you will make the right decision. Be Encouraged and Pray
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female
reader, Mom of 4 +, writes (27 April 2010):
I am going thru the same thing.Me and my husband have been since he was 15 and i was 16. We are now 31 and 32. We have 4 boys ranging from 4mon. to 11 years old. When I was 9 months pregnant i found out he was sleeping with a neighbor. This was the worst thing i have ever experienced in my life. She is younger than us by about 7 years.I have never even thought of cheating on him ever because I love him. The baby is due any day. I feel hurt and confused. I know that he is a great dad and that he wants to be apart of this childs life like he is with our boys and by the way she is having a girl. But I just want to block this out and move on. Some days i want to be married but, when i face reailty the pain is deep and I want to forgive but, iam having a difficult time. I have to see her all the time because we live in the same place. oh and how will MY KIDS take this. My husband needless to say doesnt go any where with out me and she sees us togeether. He says he know he had a good way and beautiful family and that he didnt plan for this to happen and he wants me to love him again.(Because know i give him HELL!!!) I dont know what to do because I Love him to death but i feel if i would leave then this would be his problem not mind. My sons worship the ground their father walks on I think this would destroy them if we seperated. I keep in my mind that god doesnt put more on you than you can bear. I tried looking at it as if he has sent me daughter through out all this if we stay together and he has my reward and their punishment.I can say I dont blame myself because I am a good wife and mother. I have all ways sacrificed for my family. This can only make me stronger and all the rest of you that are good wives and mothers. Time heals! We will smile again!
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female
reader, hurtinok +, writes (2 February 2010):
My husband had an affair we stayed together then 6 m onths later he told me he wanted a separation. He had been flirting with a girl at work prior to leaving me. He started seeing this OW immediately without my knowledge he was still tryin to keep me hanging on as well. i found out about her 2 months into the separation then for 4 months he begged me back i reluctantly did and within a month of being back together we f ind out the OW is pregnant with his baby. The baby is now here 3 months old and i am now 7 months pregnant. i can't even begin to express the roller coaster of emotions i have been experiencing. we go to court next month for visitation. as of now she will not allow him to see him around me. she constantly runs her mouth about how she wants to beat me up etc etc she is 21. and recently i have discovered that my husband has not been upffront with me about talking with her. phone bill shows almost everyday rite after work they talk on his hour drive home from work. a little excessive to just be about the child. i am so hurt and confused. he claims he sn't having an affair with her and does not want to and glad i caught on to the calls because he had let it go to far because he felt sorry for her and didn't want to make the same mistake again and lose me forever. i have tried to be supportive but that was with the understanding that he was completely open with me regarding the situation not sneakin to talk to her stc. now i am just so confused i have no idea what to do and here i am about to have a baby. i'm so lost. i pray everyday that god give me strength and wisdom to know what to do.
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female
reader, NANETTE +, writes (24 November 2009):
[Mod note: post was edited to normal capitalization. A reminder: ALL CAP ANSWERS are NOT acceptable. ALL CAPS = SHOUTING on the internet. Thank you.]I too have dealt with infidelity in my relationship. A few months ago i found out my man had an affair with a so called friend. He says it only happened one time, which produced a baby. I really tried to hold on to the relationship and make it work, because i truly believed he was sorry for the infidelity. No matter how much i tried to hang on and forgive him, the hurt was too great. I became a person that i hated. Everytime the phone rang i would check the caller id, or time him when he went to get the baby. I became a plum fool. I hated the person i was because i could not deal with the hurt, pain, and anger living in the same house with him. Excepting the baby is one thing, but knowing i have to deal with the fact of seeing the mother, and reminding me of the infidelity was much more than i could handle. Don't get me wrong, she was a nice person and we got along. But for him to cheat on me broke my heart. I've been gone for a week and i feel somewhat relieved, but and still hurting. Everytime he tries to talk to me, i ending up cussing him out and hanging up the phone. I still love him dearly, but right now i need time to examine the situation and decide whether or not i want to even associate with him. I know i have to forgive him for myself, and i pray everyday for speediness in this area. Right now i'm still hurting and taking it day by day. I'm so sorry about the hurt you are dealing with, but the one thing i do know, is that time heals all wounds. I pray that you find peace and do what is best for you. Take care, angela
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): I have to say sadly I am in the same position, only this has not happened once, but twice and now maybe three times. The first time was when we were 16 and dating, the OW said she was getting an abortion and came back 9 months later still pregnant. We ended up continuing our relationship and I accepted the child into our home and life(we lived together since age 16). We finally decided to marry at age 21, which is the same time I found out the asshole was cheating again and had yet another girl(not woman)pregnant. I left him, no marriage and I thought I really had washed my hands of him. I still would get his other child as I now had a daughter and they are still very close. Well needeless to say my husband would not accept the fact i left him, kept coming to my family, job, everywhere to beg and plead forgiveness. And on top of all the emotional abuse, the second OW would try to fight me daily and literally leave her child(a baby) on my front porch even though she knew I had broken up with my bf. Somehow in the midst of all the drama, I am a good girl God-fearing, I forgave him and we got married.(I still feel so dumb for saying I Do).Well 7 years later of drama and many murders in both our families(we live in east oakland), the man has the audacity to cheat with my one and only enemy who used to be my best friend and lived with me when we were kids. She had it out for me after I found out she stole my gold watch my husband bought me and vowed to steal my man she had harbored feelings for since we were 13. So knowing all this about her, my husband still cheated and got her pregnant. The worse part is the child is 6 years old, my husband has been incarcerated fighting a murder charge and he denied the child was his the whole time. My stupid self believed him, even estranged myself from family and friends who tried to force me to accept the child as his. Well my "husband" just won his case and wil be home soon. I have to admit he has been remorseful but still dishonest. Everytime I bring up the hurtful things I deal with from the OW and his and my family, my husband acts as if I am stressing him and he is tired of hearing about the new other child. I am at the point where I have seriously contemplated hurting him, her or both. I refuse to deal with this child, or the OW as I know I am very angry and bitter and no good will come out of this. In the last letter my husband wrote he says, yes I am gonna say the child is mine. I know he was lying the whole time, scared to tell me but come on he should know me by now. I cannot stand to be lied to I would rather be beaten daily than lied to or about or on.I AM DONE! I CANNOT GO THROUGH LIFE WITH A MAN WHO BLAMES OTHERS FOR HIS MISTAKES AND FAILS TO REALIZE HIS ACTIONS AFFECT ME AND OUR DAUGHTER AS WELL AS HIS OTHER 2 CHILDREN(THEIR MOMS ONLY WANT THEIR KIDS AROUND ME) SO I CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN AND GOD DOES SAY FORGIVE, BUT HE ALSO TOLD ABRAHAM TO LET HAGAR AND HER SON GO FOR THE SAKE OF HIS WIFE AND HER FEELINGS. I AM PAST HURT, PAST CONFUSED, I SEE RED WHEN I THINK OF WHAT HE HAS PUT US ALL THROUGH. I FEEL SORRY FOR HIM AS HE LOST HIS MOM WHEN HE WAS 7 AND NEVER HAD ANY ROLE MODELS AT ALL. SO AS ONE LAST ACT OF KINDNESS I WILL FINALLY LET GO AND LET GOD OR ELSE I MAY BE REPSONSIBLE FOR THE UNSPEAKABLE.Pray for me I will pray for us all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): I have been going through the same situation for 5 years. my husband worked out of town a few months a year. We have been married more 7 years and together 12 years. We have 4 kids. Our last 2 kids have this other woman child 6 months after and before my bottom 2. I learned of this situation when girl was 3 months preg. The girl was a run of the meal type, he didnt even know her last name. Now the child is 4 and the woman harrasses me beyond your wildest dream. I believe marriage is forever, he does not mis treat me or the kids. he is actually the greatest father,but not so good spouse when working out of town. He resign from his life long career to maintain the marriage, but dialy its a fight for me. His new career of 4 yrs brought the income down more than 1/2 and the childsuppoteats up his take home. I get really angry but I pray. All of my support comes from the bible. Everytime I want to put him out I have to pray and consider everyone else. For my self I take very good care of my self, and treat myself and kids often. The girl is jealous and all she wants is $$$. I banned her from any contact, b/cwhen we have tried to work together,she always screws it up and say something like I the wife can not be involved. I shared I was the wife before she was the baby mother. SHe cant seem to grasp that. Therefore her and the kid have to suffer b/c if I not part neither is my husband. Oh well, get her few $$ and I continue to just fine. I feel sorry for her, she has messed with one of God's annointed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): well, i must say that i am in a very similar situation. my bf and i have been best frineds for 8 years. we decided to get together 3 years ago. he had just gotten out of a relationship. we decided to take things slowly. But after about 8 months i became pregnant, we decided not to have it-we were not in a good finiancial situation. about 2 weeks later i find out that his ex is pregnant with his baby. what a slap in the face for me! i stayed with him (i was emotionaly a mess due to the abortion) but regret eery second of it. im miserable and depressed and unhappy. dont know who or where to turn
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): I am in a position right now. My husband and I seperated cause he was cheating. During our 8 month seperation this slut got pregnant. Now the baby is here. My trifling ass husband now we're back together. And get this i didn't find out about the baby until 3 months after we got back together. Well he went and got this baby. OMG!!! I am livid. She sent the baby with dirty clothes. The blankets she had her wrapped in where fitlthy. I don't want to have nothing to do with this child. And right now i am thinking about leaving cause i dont think i can handle this. It's too much! Ive never cheated on him. And why do i have to do get treated so bad.
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female
reader, Chocomama +, writes (31 July 2009):
First of all I want to tell you how truly sorry I am for this happening in your life. I see that this was last year, but I am interested to know how you are doing now. Something similar happened to me about 3 or so years ago. Husband was in the military and had an affair with someone who was in the Navy also. I did not find out about the child until it was 9 months old! At that time I was already separated from him for other reasons...but once I started putting things together, I was receiving backlash for things that were going on in his life that I did not know about. He has never met the child in person, but has seen pictures. He explained that he never wanted to have a child with the mistress and that the female even knew that we were married at the time. Ugh! Although we did reconcile, that situation totally wiped me out...physically, mentally, and spiritually for a while. And once I learned the details of the affair etc, I could no longer be his wife, so I filed for a divorce 5 months after I found out. I was disgusted and hurt! We have sons, but he fathered a daughter with one of his mistresses.The mistress is now happily married and expecting her first child with her new husband. Good for her, right?
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female
reader, Diagada +, writes (8 April 2009):
The same thing has just happened to me. My husband ended up having an affair with a woman that has been stalking him. He relized it too late and did not tell me until he got served with child support papers. The paternity test is in 3 weeks. I don't know if I will stay or not. I don't have the money to leave now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe paternity results came back and it is a 99.9% "chance" he is the father.
I'm not sure whether to congratulate him or cry.
No matter how I prepared myself for the moment, when it was there in black and white, I still put my head down on the table and cried.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2008): I had my first child at 36, so you do have time. That is not the question, the first step is deciding how to go forward with your husband or without. You have the loss of you baby to cope with as well. This really is tough, nobody can condemn you.
My sister was unfaithful because her husband would not start a family and she wanted to badly as she was getting on. She had an affair and got pregnant. Her husband has brought up her child as his own and now they have more. She was going to leave him but the other bloke did not want to continue. They got over it and they are a very happy family, there is equal love shared around. He is a good man, it must have been painful for him, but he has been repaid a million times over.
Nobody could expect you to be the same or feel the same and it sure would take time to get over. Just wanted to give you a glimmer of hope that if you are able to forgive at some stage, you could be rewarded a million times over too. Having said that I am not sure I could in your place so tough call, very tough, but you do have a lot of power and say in how this works out so don't feel powerless but take your time to see how your feelings develop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your response to my question.
DiovanLestat,
You have raised question that is extremely hard for me to admit/answer.
I'm not sure I would have considered getting back together with him knowing that there was a child from their aduldtry. It is just too complicated, and everything that I have read on the subject says that in order to safeguard your marraige, it is best if your spouse makes a clean break with the other woman. This most definately does not constitute a clean breakup.
I was sad for him when I learned of her abortion, because I know how much he is against that, but I was glad for us. I know that sounds horrible, but it is how I felt.
I think the way this woman has handled this situation has made it harder for all of us. She had someone that was willing to be responsible and she lied to him, so he made other/new plans with his life that didn't involve her and this child. I feel like she is using this child as a means to continue hurting him and me and that is sad and horrible.
Knowing he has a child is excrutiating. One minute I feel sorry for the baby, and the next I want to rage against all of them. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up, as it is a physical manifestation of my husband's betrayal. It feels awful to have this kind of bitterness and hatred towards my husband, the baby and her mother. I feel there is no outlet and no one talk to that understands and won't condemn me for my feelings. One second I am joking with my husband about how we better tell our hypothetical son or he might end up having 2-headed babies with his sister because he didn't know it was her, and the next second I'm beating my fists against myself, crying and screaming, and the next I'm laying in bed not able to move, just paralyzed by the fact that I'm not sure I can continue to be married to man that is so stupid and how I can possibly leave him now after we've made so much progress and there is that stupid ridiculous fact that I love him.
We set up a couples counseling session for this Friday and I just pray that I make it through until then without doing anything stupid or rash. I'm not sure if the couseling will really do our marriage any good, I'm quite sure I want nothing to do with the OW and her child, which I guess means that I probably won't have a husband much longer.
I can't tell you what an eye-opening expereince it is to have someone tell you they had an affair because they wanted children and you weren't ready. While we were separated everywhere I looked there was baby this and baby that. Quite a few of my friends and coworkers were pregnant and here I was, a jilted wife with my husband expecting with another woman. I never felt so left out and cheated as I did those months. I am 29 and all I could think of (and don't think I don't realize it was irrational thinking) was the fact that by the time I met another guy that I could trust and feel in love, and then got married I would probably be too old to have children. I had missed my chance to have children the traditional way and now I would end up alone and without children or I'd have to AI or just get knocked up if I wanted children in my future.
Since moving here, my husband found a great job and we no longer have that stupid house to remodel, so we had decided to try and have kids. A few months ago, I got pregnant and sadly, shortly after had a miscarriage. We have continued to try but with no success
So yes, this his first child and it is not mine.
I wish I could be the bigger person in this and just be like "the more the merrier", but it is so hard to let go of this anger. For one thing, the mother lives 250 miles away in another state, so I'm not sure how this is all gonna work anyway, but I know it will be expensive and messy.
I'm sorry to ramble but it is therapeutic I guess and it is so nice to have input from others, even if it is hard to hear sometimes.
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female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 The strain must be unbearable. There has been a whole radio series about a couple facing the same as you, here in the UK. It is BBC Radio 4, The Archers. I don't know how the wife stood it but she ended up taking the child in after his mother died. Women can be so enormously strong.
If you had children of your own I would say try very hard to keep your family together. As it is this is a very tough challenge. I would have thought he would be very unlikely to cheat again given the effect this affair has had but only you know. I also hope he is very, no extremely grateful to you and loves you to pieces for being the person you are. You obviously take your marriage vows very seriously.
Wider family members will come to know about this, not only will it affct your finances and whole life, it willl colour everyone's thoughts and feelings around you.
There is no answer, but go and see your counsellor as soon as you can. Take each day as it comes, I don't see how you can do anything else. This may affect your feelings about yuor husband and even though it would upset you enormously, you may find it best to part. The woman may want you to take the child. You may stay together and never see it. Your own children may want to know about it and meet their half-sibling in future.
Perhaps if it were me I would leave for a while so I could get my head around all this and try out what it is like to be alone.
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (25 June 2008):
 I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. The same thing happened to my best friend. She is married and had absolutely no idea that her husband was having an affair. She is a really good look woman and her husband is very overweight and unattractive. Anyway they were on a skiing holiday when his phone rang and as he was busy she answered it. It was the girlfriend’s mother saying her daughter had just given birth. My friend nearly passed out.
This child is now 2 years old and my friend is still with her husband. My friend is exceedingly laid back but even she says the strain is unbelievable Firstly she earns more than the husband and indirectly her wages now go to this child as the husband can’t always meet has half of the mortgage so she has to carry him and the husband is always of seeing the child. When it was first born it wasn’t too bad as he went only once a week but now he is interacting etc he goes twice a week and stays over on a Saturday leaving my friend alone. My friend under duress but for the sake of her marriage tried to involve the child into her life but as soon as the mother heard about this she stopped this happening. I do not trust her husband in any way and would imagine they sleep together when he goes over at the weekends although he always says the mother of child is out working etc. This situation is never ever going to go away and if anything is going to get worse. I do not know how she copes with this but she has said that she is terrified of being on her own and she would lose too much financially if she separated
My feeling from your story is that you took him back because of the abortion and this is how I would have felt too. Now there is a child and ok he has been deceived I don’t know if I could stand it. As some of the other Aunts have said if you have children with this man they will have a half brother or sister and this is something you would have to accept. As you have had to undergo counseling as this has obviously upset you so much I do not think it is something you can easily get over if at all. I do not like to give this kind of answer but for your own piece of mind going forward I would get rid o this man and find someone without any baggage. I wish you te very best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): You have no role in this. Your husband decided to make a baby with this other woman, he is the child's father. If he is in doubt about the paternity then he needs to get a DNA test done. But if he is the father he has a duty to pay support to this woman and child until it comes of age.
Seeing as you have decided to work on your marriage and forgive your husband, you will suffer as the money for this child will be coming out of the household budget and will mean there is less money for any children you may have. Your own child (when you have one) will have a half brother or sister and if you and your husband decide to remain in contact with this woman and child, you will have may have to allow your own child to see them.
I only have one question, did you go back to him because she had an abortion. How do you feel now about your marriage knowing he has a child. Please update, I'd be interested to know your feelings on the subject. It dosen't sound very good if your suffering depression and your mental health is affected by this situation.
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