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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have a problem regarding my social life. Seems like my only social life is my bf. I have no friends, because 1) Most of them moved away for college 2) The ones that stayed and I have grown apart, and got into different interests. 3) My bf dislikes my old friends because when I was single I used to get drunk with them and hook up with guys or do stupid things (like walking home alone with a bunch of gilrs after a few drinks late at night). So aside from reasons 1 and 2, I no longer hang out with them to avoid drama with my bf.I've lied to him, and he doesn't trust me a lot. I understand that. So he likes that I tell him every time I'm going out in advance. However I no longer go out because I have no one to go out with!I'm in my second year in college right now, and most of my classmates (we're a small class) are girls. I am kind of friends with some, but we're not really close. I've never been good at making friends. But now my uni is on strike and it's been a month already, so I've hung out with no one.My bf is in his final year, and has a solid group of friends. They hang out a lot and do guys things, like playing football, playing video games, drinking beer... stuff like that. And lately he's been hanging out a lot with them and I kind of envy him, because he has this fun group of friends and social life and the only person outside my family that I have is him. And I can't rely on him for everything! I just feel lonely.I get upset when he hangs out with them, because it also makes me feel like he has a better time with them. he blew me off the other day to hang out with them, even though he had promised we'd see each other that day (we don't see too often). He thinks it's no big deal, and I guess to a point it isn't. I don't have facebook or myspace accounts either because he might get jealous too. He's quite a jealous guy, aside from me having lied to him, he's always been. So I just avoid possible triggers. So I feel all lonely, envying his rich social life. How can i feel better about this? I feel I depend too much on him and sometimes I want to break up with him because of this, although I know that's too extreme. What can I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Surprise him and go out and get yourself a social life. He might find he has to work that little bit harder to see you but hey guys like to have to work for something! I have found a good source of making friends is to enrol on evening courses - that way you have a mutual interest to talk about and things can progress from there if you want. You also gain the added bonus of an extra string to your bow in terms of new qualifications too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Yes Lazyguy, Indeed.....
But I think this maybe a lady who wrote us with another problem, to do with how she had behaved in the past. Usually I would be worried, but there may be several issues why this boyfriend is possessive, maybe a case of broken trust I think.... But no matter, she needs friends, a telephone and full internet access no matter what.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 So anyone else thinking something like this when you read her reasons.
1) Yeah that happens when you leave school
2) All part of growing up
3) RED FLAG, controlling boyfriend ALERT!
Perhaps I just been here to long but while the signs are subtler then usual I can't help but feel that your boyfriend is trying to isolate you and control you by making you feel guilty about the friends you have, while he of course is free to do whatever he wants.
As said, it is subtle, other posts have this far more extreme but still.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Uh oh. Been there; done that. Ended up in dissolution of marriage. When you're boyfriend or spouse is everything to you--it's bound to end badly. they are not meant to be your world. He has a core group of friends because he had the time to develop them. I've known my husband for over 10 years and been married for 8. We're great because no matter what I've forced myself to go out with acquaintances. It's the same as in elementary school--you never make a friend until you put yourself out there. It's more painful as an adult but necessary. Your spouse might be your best friend but he can't be your confidante and the beginning and the end. it's just boring. Let him need to ask you what you're doing. It doesn't have to include deception or debauchery but if it's news to him, he might be intrigued. Join a gym, look around, say hi to the first normal woman you see and then repeat the process the next time you see her. Go to lunch. Complain to her about your life. As politely returned, listen to her complaints. Make a plan for lunch next week. There you have an aspect of your life he doesn't have to control or know first hand unless he asks you and expects a constructive adult conversation. It will go horribly wrong otherwise. YOU'RE IN COLLEGE; go sew your wild oats.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): A relationship shouldn't be based on possesiveness. Your boyfriend has a right to spend time with friends and so do you. As Happytochat has indicated, for good mental health you need to break your dependance on your boyfriend.
Contact all your own friends, and make sure that you stay in touch with them regularly. They are your friends and they should be as important to you as your boyfriend is. Keep uptodate with what their doing by email and telephone and your freindship should grow closer. As to making new friends and finding something to do when your boyfriend is busy, can you find a new interest or a new hobby to take on at the weekends or after school. Hobbies and Interests are great at introducing you to new people who have similar interests to you. Learn a language, play a musical instrument, learn to paint, learn pottery, the list of things you could do is endless. You will learn new skills and hopefull make new friends.
Register with facebook and myspace. No matter what your boyfriend says, you are a serious disadvantage if your not allowed to do what all other young people are doing. Unless your on the net, your isolated from your peers and not able to do the things that are normal for your age group. Your boyfriend is not your father, he has no right to demand such sacrifices from you. I bet he has a myspace and facebook account, so can you.
I know you may have behaved badly in the past, but you have appologised and he should have forgiven you if he's staying with you. I'll give you a little peice of advice. No man is worth such sacrifices. If you want to become a strong independent woman, who is in control of her own life and destiny, sometimes you will have to learn to say NO!
No, it's not alright for your boyfriend to tell you what friends to have, no it's not alright to forbid you to register with facebook and myspace. Learn to stand up for yourself, learn to demand your human rights. Tell him your going to register and he will just have to trust you when you say your sorry and you have no intention of hurting him again, but you need to stay in contact with the world to stay healthy. Your a human being, your not a dog. Stuff what he wants, think of yourself and your own wants for a change.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (25 June 2008):
Hey,
Its not ok for your bf to be so jealous to the extent at which is controls you. You having no friends or 'life' outside of your relationship with your bf is not healthy, which im sure you are aware of as its having negative effects on you.
I can understand why your bf may not like you hanging around a bunch of girls who do things which arent very safe or responsible- he just wants to make sure your ok and safe etc...
But if hes controlling to the point where he gets jealous of you being friends with anyone and everyone, thats not understandable.
What I think needs to happen here is you need to find a few new friends, really good ones. I know making frineds is really hard, and it must be even harder when you have to deal with the fear of your bf's reaction. however, you must understand that jealousy is not love. its not ok for him to act like that.
If you find a bunch of nice girl friends, he should be happy for you! If hes not, then its time to re consider this relationship.
Next time you're at uni maybe you could ask a girl who you are sort offriends with if she wants to do something on the weekend. Forget about what your bf will say. If he gets jealous ask him why. Ask him if he wants you to be happy. Point out that he has alot of male friends so you are entitled to have girl friends too. Make him aware that the new frineds you have chosen are nice and responsible and you wont get up to anything bad or dangerous, such as walking him early in the hours with no protection.
Hope this has helped, if you want to chat, feel free to PM me.
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A
female
reader, interlud3  +, writes (25 June 2008):
Okay.
You need to blow the whistle on him. He can't be possessive and he can't make you feel like you are his property. You need to do social things as much as he does. My suggestion to you is get back in touch with people you know in your community of friends, if they aren't too far away. Or if you have a close family relative, that would work as well. Are you friends with some of your classmates from your High School that are nearby? Get involved in social events - or pick up a fun job.
Good Luck.
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