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female
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anonymous
writes: I am married and im having an affair with a woman. we started out as friends then we became lovers. I dont know what to do our relationship started 18 months ago, i dont know if i should leave my husband. I've been married for 23 years lately i don't feel the same way about him. When i stay for weekend at my lovers i dont want to come home. My lover has a child under 10 years.
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female
reader, miss help +, writes (22 October 2006):
 tell your hubby he 'll understand tell him you don't wanna be with him
A
female
reader, Acaringear +, writes (18 October 2006):
well.. I think you need to make a decision.. as 18 months is a long time. Do not tell your husband to offload guilt feelings, its not his fault.
You need to really think about what it is you want out of life. Do you have children? If not things are easier.
I would advise thinking about what drove you into that affair in the first place? Was there something missing in your marriage? Was he controlling? Is he a good person?
Was it a real desire to be with a woman?
Ask yourself why you did this in the first place. Ask yourself about the things you would miss about your husband. Imagine you have found out he is having an affair and is leaving you. How would you feel? What would you miss about him?
It seems like you should take a break and be independant for a while.
Maybe you should think about that.
Get your own place and cease all activity with both of them for a while - who do you miss.
Affairs can be exciting and things can change when the relationship is the primary relationship. When more practical things come into play.
Be wise.. try to minimilise hurt to your husband. It can be very very damaging to a person.
I would think about these things and if you are unsure take a break. But I certainly would not carry on as you are - it is too decietful.
Good luck, let me know what happens
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): I think your affair is a wake up call that something is missing for you in your marriage, but an affair is not the answer it is just a symptom of a deeper problem. Any time you add a third party to a primary relationship you have triangulation, which means that it is diverting your attention and diluting your feelings from your primary relationship with your husband. Affairs are always based in fantasy, they do not involve real life where you argue over the bills, the kids and what to do with your vacation, etc....it is all about romance and sex that is new and exciting...Think about the 23 year history that you have with your husband, that is a precious thing and it is deeply unfair to this man that you are carrying on with a woman or any person instead of turning towards your husband and working on the issues in that relationship...maybe you just need to talk to him about the relationship and what you are missing. Do not tell him about the affair, doing that will put an indelible image in his mind of you with another woman, and is really only allowing you to dump your guilty feelings on to him, when these feelings are yours to sort through....you have to decide if a little adventurous sex is worth throwing a relationship away that you are taking for granted...learn to spice things up with him, stay away from her,and you will get your feelings back for him I bet, examine what things are not working with him and vow to try and change them.. if after doing these things you no longer want to love your husband, then do the decent thing and set him free before you go off with her, and why you would want to be with a woman sexually is beyond my comprehension, but I would advise you the same if this were another man you were having the affair with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2006): please think about your marrage and why you have been married for 23 years.this new relationship may just be exploratory to you. do you love her? if she is a long time friend ofcourse you do. but you need to decide if the feelings you have for her are worth ending your marrage. and you may want to ask her how she feels for you.after 23 years of marrage no decision you make should be hasty.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (18 October 2006):
 Hey,I doubt that leaving your husband is the answer. Although I am not sure that telling him about the affair is necessary, I do think you need to communicate with your husband and see if he understands your feelings.See if he is willing to go into counselling with you. 23 years is tough for any couple to keep the fire alive.You are feeling fulfilled with your lover right now, but part of that magic is the fact that it comes with drama, secrecy, and part time. Chances are if you do get into a relationship there, you will fall into a similar routine.Your husband is not addressing your needs, but you are partly to blame if you have not tried to work things out with him.Tempation is fun, but reality is not. Even if you do not have children to think about, you are the adult, and you have a responsiblity to think about all the children you could be hurting with this, including hers.-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, BeckaR +, writes (18 October 2006):
 What does your lover think? Is she in a relationship other than with you?I think the best way to answer this is, what would you want your husband to do if the roles were reversed. You can really do three things I guess. Either tell him and see what he says, leave him or stop the affair.Whatever you do, I hope that it works out for you and you find happiness. It is obvious that in the relationship with your husband you aren't happy right now, maybe that is worth investigating.
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