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age
36-40,
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writes: I have been married for almost 13 yers now and a year and a half ago I fell for this man who happens to be my boss- we have had sex a couple of times and he says he loves me. But he is also married and I don't know what his intentions are. Howver, he I knowhe won't leave his wife and I won't leave my husband for him but I love him. Recently, he has gone hot and cold with me and flirts with other people in the office. And he said he wants to end it now. What do I do?? PLease help......
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affair, flirt, my boss Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): That's true.
But the problem is that society often excuses womens' emotional affairs as being more "worthy" or "understandable" than mens' sexual-reasons-only affairs. When men cheat society is much more likely to tell them the blunt truth that they are just 100% wrong for doing it and they should have exercised better self-control. Women should get the same blunt truth feedback because that's really all there is to it.
Unfaithfulness is unfaithfulness. Feeling some sort of strong "emotional connection" with the affair is absolutely 0% justification for it, just like the common male motivation (sex) is not justified at all either. Women are biologically prone to getting those "emotional connections" for desirable others outside the marriage just like men are biologically prone to getting horny for others.
A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 My comment on women motivated to have affairs more on the romance side of things than the act of sex itself,is based on the fact that sex has a different meaning to a man than a woman. Alot of research has been done on this fact.
Women place more emphasis on the emotional aspects of sex, men focus more on the physical side of sex. A study published in the August 2007 issue of the Archives of Sexual Behavior confirms that while both men and women share similar motivations for having sex, the fact is they rated it differently. Women rating companionship and emotional connection as being far more important than being physically attracted to a person and the urge of sex.
Prostitution works for men on such a huge level because they can remove their emotions from sex and see it as a physical act, whereby women find that more difficult to do.
My comments were not to trivialise, but merely to explain why so many women struggle with affairs and men seem to be able to de-emotionalise sex. Of course there are always exceptions to everything. Everyone is an individual
Thats all I was saying......=)
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A
female
reader, Cateyes  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 Pure and simple...end it. It never should have started to begin with, right? I mean, you do love your husband...and "if" you do, you would consult with him any "feelings" that you have that may make you feel as if your being neglected, poor communication or none.
I will disagree with some of the aunts here...most of the time, men are looking ONLY for the sex and women are looking for attention, however, some men are looking for the attention..which yes sex comes with it...but they to can long to hear how wonderful they look or missing that hug or awesome kiss...but believe me, they love their wife. Some women want just sex...because they are not getting "that" kind of sex in their marriage...instead of opening up to their husband, they find it "by accident" outside their marriage.
My question to you would be...why do you feel it's fair to continue on a relationship being married, with a married man and your husband and his wife are in left field? How would YOU like that to happen to you. Sounds mean, and I'm not trying to be...just truthful. If your not in love nor want to work on your marriage...do your husband a favor and divorce him and let him move on to someone who will respect him.
Your at that typical time in a marriage where things are blah..and it's up to both of you to rekindle that lost love...because I'm sure at one time you were both bunny rabbits and couldn't take your arm's off each other.
I pray you work things out with your husband and have an affair with him always.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 Just a comment on missmell 34. I know for a fact that not all women who cheat are in search of "the thrill of being desirable again, to be wanted". Some women who cheat are in search of "sex, pure and simple".
Of course, I don't mean that the poster is one of these women. I just didn't find that comment a fair one.
I'm sure the poster wants love. The only thing is, she won't find it with this particular man.
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A
female
reader, missmel34 +, writes (5 December 2007):
When we are married for a long time, sometimes we can get bored. Doesn't matter who you are. Our minds start to wander....we fantasise about other people while we're making love to our spouses.
Sometimes we feel that we are being neglected sexually by our partners. Whatever the reason, not everyone can maintain the sanctity of marriage. And they have affairs.
For women they are looking for romance, love and attention. To be reasured that they are still desirable and attractive. For men they are looking at sex, pure and simple.
This man seduced you by telling you he loved you, but the reality is, he didn't really. He is looking for the thrill of sex. You on the other hand, were probably looking for the thrill of being desirable again, to be wanted. The fact is, its run its course, hes moved on as all players do. His pushed you away, probably because he knows you are becoming a liability.
You both got what you wanted out of it. But like a woman, you got your feelings caught up in something that was only a sexual transaction.
Go back to your husband, realise that he is the one who is still there for you, committed, trustworthy, dependable. Stop looking for greener pastures. Have a holiday with your him, spend time togther.
The way your mind is seeing things is not the truth. Your boss is not the love of your life, you are not "meant to be together".
Try to rebuild your marriage, and hope your partner will forgive your betrayl. Because even if he does know the truth, he would still feel it in his soul.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Whenever you are anxious and troubled talk it through with your spouse. That's one of the benefits of marriage.
Richard
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A
female
reader, maggie1987 +, writes (5 December 2007):
 thats exactly what you do! end it.. its not fair on your husband and its also not fair on the boss's wife its being very selfish how would you feel if the tables were turned and your husband was having it away with his boss or whatever. think of u in his shoes it wouldnt be very nice. this boss of yours probably flirts with all his colleagues and no doubt has probably been around a few of them not just you. by sleeping with him you could catch a lot of sexual diseases and passing them on to your husband. when someone cheats on their partners they always find out at one time so end it now or come clean to your partner. if you are having an affair u should look below the surface because there must be something going wrong in your relationship and the best wae to ressolve this would be by sitting your husband down and telling each other how u feel and maybe come up with some ways you could change this. maybe going out for a meal or having a quiet drink together to chat about how u feel about each other it may not only help it may get your relationship a lot more better. things are better out than in it will only break you in the long run trust me , go sort this you will feel a whole lot better if you do.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (5 December 2007):
 If he says he wants to end it, then go along with it, for i can't see the affair ever materialising into anything anyway. Invariably married guys never leave their wives, and was probably enjoying having you on the side too. Now he is flirting with other girls in the office should tell you what he is really like, he is probably lining up his next person to have an affair with. Also because you both work together things could now get abit frosty between the pair of you, as ultimately you still have to see each other every day. If things get to arkward for you you may want to consider leaving or getting a transfer. But think that you had a lucky escape, and concentrate on your marriage.
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (5 December 2007):
I suggest that you let your relationship with your boss end "naturally", and to stick to your husband. Your boss doesn't love you, you don't love him, either, and he has already found himself other interests. Move on, dear.
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