A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend of 9 months and i went away to the country with his ex and her boyfriend. my boyfriend and his ex have two kids together.. i was hitting it off with his ex when she turns around and tells me that 4 months ago she had slept with my boyfriend.... i didnt know what to think and when i confronted him he denied it to the ground... so since sunday i did a lot of digging and got all my facts straight and he finally admited it.he said him and her very very very very drunk and that he is madly in love with me and started crying, saying how afraid he was of losing me. i told him id give him a few days to come clean with everything. i took him back today.... but i told him i havnt decided for sure if i can ever trust him again because he didnt tell me even though i told him i would completely disregard it.they both told me it last about 2 minutes and they stoped and dont remember much else. apparently there was no passion it was just old feelings creeping back.he admited he knew exactly what he was doing and said he didnt know why he did it and made the biggest mistake of his life.i believe he is in love with me, and she told her boyfriend too. Her boyfriend dosnt care, and all is good for them... i am more inclined to be ok with this because they have a 4 year history and two children together.. he told me he loved me that month and im not sure how i feel... I do love him back and am probably going to take him back... but im not sure. i trust people very rarely as it is... do you have any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): There is a point to this so bear with me. My partner was in a very unhappy marriage and decided to leave his wife for me. He is a good man and had been married for many years. We had been first loves so when we met up again it was very special. It was not straightforward though, because we could not be together for a few months. I had a boyfriend and he had not officially left his wife yet. There were good reasons. In fact I told him to get counselling with his wife first to see if they could save the marriage before deciding whether being with me was right. I did not want our relationship to be considered a mistake at a later stage.
Well, I know he had sex with her once during that time, he told me. When you have been with someone a long time there is a residue of feeling which is like walking into a familiar room or like putting on old slippers.
If they got very drunk it is possible to see how the conversation may have gone. Expressing regret that it had not worked out but recognising that it was the best thing, remembering good times etc. Too much alcohol and those old slippers could go back on again. Try not to dwell on it because although extremely painful it is not the reality of now or the future. Going through that situation may have made him realise how very much he loves you. He compared the past with now and chose now. Humans beings are complicated and imperfect but he has admitted his mistake. I would find it hard to stay friends with the ex though, but that is up to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2007): He admitted that he knew exactly what he was doing and he knew how long it lasted, so my point is, why did he go ahead with it. He wasnt that drunk then! sorry, but i would be gone by now. How can you trust him in the future? No way would i put up with this cr*p, is he going to do it again in the future, and what will the excuse be then. How can you even be in the same room as him. Kick him out.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 Hi there, this is a tough situation, and i'm sorry for the turmoil you are going through.
Just remember - everybody's "deal breakers" are different. For some it might be lying, for some it might be stealing, for some it might be cheating. You have to be clear on where your's is.
In saying that, everybody deserves a second chance. What your boyfriend did, is NOT right, but he knows that, and has apologized profusely. You need decide if you can look at this person you claim to LOVE, and give him a second chance. Is he worth it? If he is, then try your best to really forgive and forget about this situation. Keep a clear head, and set firm rules for both of you, so that you know where you stand with each other. If you both make, and agree to the rules, then the situation will be clearer if something else goes wrong.
Let him know that you love, accept and forgive him, but that it WON;t have a good outcome if something should ever happen again.
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, alieP91  +, writes (6 December 2007):
 What you really need to do is, 1: find out what he wants out of your relationship and 2: do you think if it's going to happen again. If you think that he might then talk to him about it and not just an everyday talk! Sit down and really get inside his brains figure out why he did it and if he really means that it was just a big mistake.
Just remember that you hold all the cards and it's only you that can really know what you feel and think!
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