A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do some people just not have any need or desire to be affectionate in a relationship? Even in a marriage? My husband of 2 months loves me, he prooves it/ but he never shows it. He has never once given me a compliment, he has never once said he loves me without me asking him to first (which I stopped doing a long time ago b/c I felt pathetic) He has never once held my hand, hugged me or kissed me. I used to initiate these things, but after a while of being the only 1 trying to initiate affection, I felt pathetic and stopped. We have a baby and another on the way. We get along really well, and he wants sex pretty much every day. He is a good provider and everything else is really good. I know that I can't have it all, I just can't help feeling lonely and undesireable because of the lack of affection, and attention physically and verbally from him. Is this normal for some people? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2008): I am in the same position, except that I find it difficult to express affection - unless triggered. I don't know if this is because of being in a long term abusive relationship before. I need to hear compliments and get affection but my partner is like a stone wall. I have told him before that our emotional needs clash and because I am the one desparate for the affection and compliments I feel it the most. When I try talking to him about it he just thinks I am being moody. Great sex life though, supportive with the children, very intelligent but affection missing. How do I deal with this?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2007): i dont think there is anything wrong with you initiating thing to your hubbie. may be he still learning. i found it had to please my wife in my first year of marriage, not because i did not know it, but i could not speak her love language,and thank God for my wife,she teach me all the things that i needed to please her. am still learning from her,at time i get upset with what she wants, but i still do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2007): WOW...I just ended my 17 year marriage for exactly the same reasons! Ileana is right, sit him down and explain how important affection is to you. You may get lucky and he may be able to start showing you. Remember two things: 1) You cannot change people. If your husband was never affectionate, then he is probably not going to just magically turn into an affectionate guy (I tried that). Did he tell you he loved you when you dated? and 2) Get to the root of WHY he does not or cannot tell you he loves you or show affection. I did not hear "I LOVE YOU" for over 10 years and our relationship grew distant because I became bitter of course thinking that if he could not say it, then he did not mean it. My husband did not connect affection with love. Instead, he felt he "took care of me" in other ways, like financially or by fixing broken things around the house. I felt I deserved affection. I was a good wife and mother, working full-time, always putting his needs first. BUT after 17 years of an unaffectionate marriage, never receiving a compliment, always the one initiating affection, it gets OLD and you lose the one thing marriage should be about...the bond between two people that allows you to mature and grow together, never taking advantage of your partner and having a natural, not forced, loving BEST FRIEND. I also think you need to address the sex in your marriage. Men do associate sex with affection. Ask him directly if that is his way of showing you he loves you. Be careful, after 17 years of alot of sex without affection and attention, you start to feel used. You will grow bitter...of course you then crave attention and when you get it, THAT'S WHEN THE TROUBLE REALLY STARTS! I never thought I would be divorced. But head my word, if you continue down this path, you will eventually end up a silent partner that knows someone out there will love you and show it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): sometimes in your time with your husband and he thinks he show love to you while having sex with you guys are sometines like that
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (13 November 2007):
 Hi ,
Men and women are wired differently. Some of us guys are very affectionate, but most of us need a bit of prodding.
If he never gives you a hug or makes a compliment then you simply need to say to him that it wouldnt hurt him to do so occasionally.
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A
female
reader, Ileana  +, writes (12 November 2007):
 Sweetie,
You need to sit him down and tell him what you just told us.
Tell him you love him but you need his affection and support as well as love from him.
Its clear your doing something from the baby on the way and congratulations on that!!
Tell him hunny!!
Update us on how it goes,
Loves
Ileana
xxxx
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