A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am have been happily married for 4 years now and have a two year old little boy. Recently an ex messaged me through facebook. He was a major jerk and hurt me pretty bad while we were dating. That's why I broke up and never spoke to the dude again. However he found me and messaged me on facebook. Asking me how I was doing and apologizing for being such a jerk. I forgave the guy and have been talking to the guy as a friend for a while now. Of course my husband knows and has no problem with it but my question is: Everytime I speak to the guy he tells me he has changed. We can be talking about a totally different subject and suddenly he will bring it back to "Ive changed and I'm a better man now. I'm sorry that I was such a jerk." Why do you think he tells me this during every conversation? Is he trying to get me to leave my husband or cheat? Why do you think he feels the need to continue saying the same words when we have already had a big discussion about it, all was forgiven, and we agreed to be friends?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 May 2012):
 I think Cerberus is on the right track here, and what he's saying is some of the story.
If this was years ago, this guy may, in fact, be wanting to make amends for his past behavior. He might still harbor feelings for you and is wanting to insert himself back into your good graces.
Here's the thing -- if he is no longer a jerk, then why does he want to have continued contact with a woman who is now married? And likewise, while you've handled this correctly by talking to your husband and being honest in your dealings with this ex (kudos to you for doing that!), it's time to back off on the contact. You can't be friends with exes when you're married, plain and simple. The fact that you were romantically linked to this guy utterly disqualifies him from friend status.
Closure for him (and you) is good. Continued conversation and friendship is not good. Time to tell him that while you're glad he's getting his life back on track, and while you have forgiven him and no longer hold animosity towards him for the past, tell him that you're married, and as such, you do not keep contact with exes. Then wish him well in life and love, and then remove him from your friends list.
Your husband is okay with you getting closure with this ex. I guarantee that he's not okay with you continuing and nurturing a friendship with him. How would you feel if the situation were reversed, and an ex-girlfriend from his past wanted a long term open communication with him?
Best to leave the past in the past. Closure is done. Time to move on for both of you. Your husband sounds very understanding. Focus your energy on him now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): Sounds more like he's incredibly insecure and wants you to pander to that. I think he's more trying to convince himself he's not really a jerk.
You know? Like those girls who are constantly saying how ugly or fat they are. He's just looking for reassurance or fishing for compliments.
Tell you what, next time he mentions it ask him why he keeps bringing that up and tell him you've already discussed it, he does seem like a nice guy now, that he's been forgiven so stop bringing it up.
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs  +, writes (3 May 2012):
Yes, I feel he is harbouring regrets about your relationship not working out and has come back to dwell on it possibly now that he is not happy or at some kind of crossroads.
While it is healthy that you have had your discussion and forgiven him, I don't see any benefit to your continued correspondance.
The past is past. You are happy now and have moved on. If he hasn't, unfortunately that is a matter for him alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2012): He can't get a gf so he's desperate trying to get back with you
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