A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:me and bf have been together for 2 years, in the past couple of months he has decided he no longer wants to go clubbing. i still enjoy going out and dancing, i really enjoy dancing with him but he says he will no longer go. we came to an agreement that i would only go when it was celebrating a friends birthday so i go like once every couple of months. he said he would make exceptions and come with me on these times, but this saturday has come up as my best friends bday and he says no he wont come. he is so scared i am going to get chat up by guys and have guys try to pick me up and he says because i am a naturally friendly person it attracts that attention.i told him ok if you are so worried these are the exceptions i wil make:i will have 3 drinks at my friends house before, none at the clubi will leave at 12:30i will not talk to any men, even if they are friends of the bday girl, i will simply brush them offi think this is a more then fair agreement on my behalf, i wonder if people agree? am i doing anything wrong? he still seems pissed that im going!
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female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 By going along with your boyfriends unfair requests, you are colluding with him. You are giving him the impression that his controlling and paranoid behaviour is OK, when it's clearly not. Everyone here has said in one way or another that your partner should not have a say in whether you go out with your friends and have a drink. It is your life. It is not your fault he has sevear insecurities and thinks he has the right to control you. You may be reducing his anxieties by doing what he says but you are reducing your own happyness and freedom. He must learn to control/live with his own insecurities an anxieties and not to try and control them by controlling you. That won't help him or yourself. You MUST tell him this. He HAS to learn to trust you and let you live your own life.
Good luck
A
female
reader, Zoe-louisexx +, writes (26 March 2010):
 I dont think your doin anythig wrong but i think your bf needs to trust you abit more if hes the one that decided to let you go out on your own. just because your bf don't want to go out any more you shouldnt change the time you leave and change other things yor bf isnt happy wih you doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): I let my wife go out to clubs whenever she wants, because I trust her. If you respect him, you won't do anything, while you're out, to risk losing him, so it shouldn't matter, if you are very sure you won't make any mistakes. It's not like my wife goes out clubbing all the time, but I don't care where she goes, as long as she knows where home and husband is, and doesn't piss me off. It sounds like your b/f is a little insecure, but just let him blow off steam and little by little he'll trust you more everyday. With some guys I know, it seems that some of the most caring partners are the most paranoid ones, because they think too intensely, and they know that some of the most innocent people get taken advantage of. I understand where he is coming from, but at the same time, I can tell you are doing the right things to stay out of trouble, when you go out, and nothing bad will happen, so hopefully he starts to trust your intelligence as much as his own. Once he can start to trust your thinking, he won't worry anymore about what might happen. Trust is a difficult thing to master, since so many people make bad impressions and then other people feel the worst is inevitable. Just try to explain to him that he has nothing to worry about, ever, since you have enough smarts in you to avoid bad situations and possibly cheating. Dancing and talking with other guys is not cheating, as long as you're not reciprocating toward their oncoming advances. Go out and have friends and have fun, and never throw yourself in a shell. If you use your instincts and brains, you'll see trouble and know what to avoid when you're out. As you get older, you'll most likely get sick of the whole clubbing thing, so go live life now, since I see you know how to do it peacefully. If there are things to really be concerned about, it's the drinking and driving and other drug and alcohol related problems and accidents that can happen. One thing to remember is just never turn your back on your open drink, and stay away from the drugs, and never let someone with even one drink in them drive, and you'll be fine.
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female
reader, kayla20 +, writes (26 March 2010):
 what he needs to realise is in a relationship he should be able to trust that you wont do anything with anything else.its his choice about not coming but you shouldnt stop yourself from going and celebrating your best friends birthday.your not doing anything wrong and are entitled to have time out on your own with your friends and without your boyfriend.go out and have a good time
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso he says he doesn't like me going because when i was 18 and single i have kissed guys at clubs before.
but i mean that was harmless, i was young and first experiencing. he did that too, and admits frequently his friends would go out to "pick up".
also, he used to go to strip clubs alot, is this a complete contradiction or what? he wants me to abide by all these rules but strip clubs are ok?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies, i have never cheated and don't have an urge to, i am completely satisfied with one man and i relay this to my boyfriend frequently, he just doesn't seem to understand. He does say he thinks i would cheat on him, and has NO grounds to say so. is that disrespectful? i tell him it is and he says its not.
the reason i am willing to do these things is because if i don't he will make my night hell, calling me constantly making fights. and then we will fight after for about a week, just because i drank.
his psychologist said to him as long as i tell him what i'm doing and a time i will be home i should be allowed to do what i want but he chooses not to listen to her?
so should i just do as i wish?
also if i say to him im having 3 drinks, then end up having 4 or 5 he will start a HUGE fight with me saying im a liar blah blah
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female
reader, YourDestiny11  +, writes (26 March 2010):
 You are deffinately not doing anything wrong and you have compromised alot. He needs to learn to trust you. He cant just follow u around all the time. U need to have ur own time and so does he. So go out for ur friends bday n have fun, dnt just stress about him the whole time cuz ur not doing anything wrong. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, DrJohnca +, writes (26 March 2010):
I think you have every right to go out with your friends to the club and enjoy yourself. I wouldn't put any stipulations on yourself for his benefit, but just go and have a GREAT time. You may find that if you do go without him, he may after a while go with you just to see what you are doing. Just as "hijacked dignity" wrote, it sounds as if he has jealousy issues. He needs to be able to trust you.
I encourage my wife to go to clubs by herself dressed very sexy such that she can enjoy dancing or whatever with other men. Am I jealous..... As I said, I encourage her to do this with one stipulation.... she must tell EVERY detail she does with other men from dancing to well, way beyond. I trust and love her with confidence she will always come back home to me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): No, I absolutely think if he doesn't wish to go and your going with other friends, why shouldn't you be able to. If your bf was like me pertaining to my wife going out to clubs, he would totally encourage you to do so. I strongly encourage my wife to go to clubs, dance with men including slow dances and if something happens, do as she wishes. The rule is though she must tell me EVERY detail of what occurred with other men. Your bf might find it's a turn on like I do with my wife. Try that angle!! You might have lots of fun for yourself!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the reply..
these rules are definitely a necessity.. he has major jealousy and insecurity issues and has always thought the reason people go clubbing is to find a mate (although he used to go every weekend and says this was not the case) but thats obviously not the case for me because i'm only going at birthdays.
i think the whole talking to guys thing is stupid honestly, i mean he wants me to seem like a complete snob even brush off my friends brothers but for this time i said i would do it so he can maybe warm up to the idea of me going out.
i hoped he would come, i would much prefer him to then go alone, the title, which i didn't pick, makes it seem that i want to go alone.
he really likes the girl who's birthday it is.. and she said i really hope to see you both but he still wont come. i think its rude, she sees him as a friend too but he wont come because he is being stubborn and doesn't want me to go.
we are going to a pre party at her cafe before, then going to the club, so i will only be there for maybe an hour or two.. i said i will space those drinks out in a matter of hours so i wont be drunk, he HATES the idea of me being drunk because he thinks i will talk to guys. and he refers to "the past" when i have gone out and spoken to guys when i was out (friends of friends) but i mean i never knew that i wasn't supposed to? i am a friendly and approachable person, i know the difference between flirting and talking but he says there is none, and because in the past i have talked to guys he now says he cant trust me to go clubbing.
but thats how we met! in a club and he approached me because it was easy to talk to me! this i just don't get.. if he thought it was so bad and that it was a trait he wouldn't want in a gf why did he ask me out?
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (26 March 2010):
 I honestly don't think you are doing anything wrong. I mean you made the agreement that you wouldn't go too much. I would think he'd have a point if you were going multiple times a month and constantly getting dressed up, but it sounds like that's not the point at all. You're just going out when it's your friends' birthdays. Which isn't often at all.
You also listed some insane rules that you have to follow. I mean you can't even talk to the guys that are friends with the birthday girl? I'm assuming that a few of those guys might be your friends as well, and the fact that he is invited and isn't coming just speaks volumes on how stubborn he's being. Maybe he doesn't like the people? Or maybe he just detests the idea of you going to the club that much. Why don't you modify the "rules" so you wait to drink after you get back from the club (assuming everyone is meeting after for more party time)? I'd loosen up with the talking to guys thing though. Maybe you'd talk to guys, but you wouldn't dance with them?
To be honest, I think you're doing more than enough. The rules are more than I would ever do, but if he's this uncomfortable to the idea, then maybe they are necessary? It seems the problem goes a little deeper than this clubbing instance though. I think you two really need to work out his jealousy and trust issues, because the rules you stated are only a temporary fix. What about the next party? Are you going to do the same things every time? I'd hope not, because I don't think you'll be invited too many times more if you aren't talking to the guys that showed up for your friend. So no, you aren't doing anything wrong. You do however need to start fixing these issues that he has with you, or else they will just get worse.
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