A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have booked a holiday with my boyfriend of 2 years,(it was to be our first together) and was excited about it until he let it slip that the itinerary will consist exclusively of places he visited with his late wife of 17 years (she died 4 years ago, before I was ever on the scene)in Hungary, Poland and The Czech Republic.While I respect the fact that he was married for quite a long time, and still misses her, I don't respect the fact that I am paying half his fare (or so it feels) so he can go relive memories of a previous relationship. I REALLY resent the fact that I was duped into this through his lack of openness.I was furious when he let this slip, and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Am I being unreasonable (and should I welcome the opportunity to see places I've never been to) or am I right to think that all he wants to do is relive the past?I completely appreciate his need to revisit places which hold great memories for him, but partly at my expense?? I was hoping to make some memories for 'us', but realise now that there never will be an 'us', just a me and a them.Am I over-reacting? Am I being petulant, and acting like a spoilt child or is it reasonable for me to feel as though the past few years have been a lie?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2014): OP hereThere have been a few instances where something has happened - I've given him a picture of myself and my son to put up in his home (we live quite a way away) and I find that it isn't anywhere the next time I visit; he still has a picture of his late wife in the bedroom so he can see her when he wakes up; her jewelery and perfume are still on the dressing table, the way he cried like a baby when he dropped and broke one of their ikea dinner service and the fact that he has still got her mobility scooter in the garage all this time after.Each on their own, I have been able rationalise but this seems like the proverbial straw to break the camel's back.I now question whether he has any real feelings for me, or whether anyone with a pulse would do as a poor substitute for his late wife.I have tried talking to him about this, since posting, but he starts to tear up, and basically refuses to have any sort of discussion.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (31 July 2014):
 You might want to clue him in to your discomfort and uncertainty as to his motives before you leave on the trip. Basically give him a mini-sensitivity course, as you are working to be sensitive about his grief for the loss of his wife. It wasn't that long ago.
If you feel he wasn't open about this, you feel duped, you are upset and unhappy, why not take a deep breath, have a calm moment with yourself and quietly and concisely explain your concerns.
"Donald, my dear boyfriend, I'm happy to be going on our first holiday together. I want to bring up something that may feel uncomfortable or cause you some feelings of grief. The itinerary you set up is all places you were with your beloved wife so many years ago. I realize that these places are special to you and I want you to enjoy revisiting them.
What I'm struggling with a bit is how to find out if this trip is for us together as a couple or more of a reminiscing "wish she were here" thing. Because while I understand your wanting to go back to places where you were happy, I also want us to live in the present moment and build our own memories.
Can you see how finding out that the trip is essentially a complete repeat of the trip you took 17 years ago might be a bit unsettling and uncomfortable for me?"
Talk, listen, listen, talk.
Where we get from the trip planning to the 'last two years were a lie," is a bit unclear to me.
You do have to talk to him about this, you know. Is that a problem?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 July 2014):
 U'd give him the benefit of doubt. Men are simple creatures :). Maybe he did not want to go on a second honeymoon with the ghost of his deceased wife, which is how it feels to you. Maybe he just really enjoyed the places, and always thought, " sooner or later I am going to come back "; he just associates those places to overall pleasant sensations and pleasant memories, so - he is doing it all over again wth a new partner. It does not particularly mean what you think it means, he just is not very inventive in his choices.
Look, I spent MANY years in NY ,first with a man then with a second man, and obviously I have many New York memories connected to these persons. But I also just loved the place, and also have tons of memories which are just mine,of the love story ... between myself and Manhattan. If I should take a trip with a Mr. Love-of-my-life ( I don't think so but never say never ), ... I would not mind gong back to Manhattan and show this new person all its fascinatong nooks and crannies and share with him my excitement for the Big Apple. Perhaps it would be a bit like reliving my past,... but not at all my ROMANTIC past, that would have nothing to do with the purpose of the trip. Makes sense ?...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 July 2014):
 I understand your anger. He should have told you WHY he thought that would be a good spot BEFORE booking it, so you had a say in going or not. (not that you didn't have a say, you just didn't know WHY he wants to revisit).
But, since it's booked and payed for my suggestion is to GO and MAKE your own memories of the place and the time you two spend there together, and AFTERWARDS tell him whether you ever want to go there again or not.
And while there, IF he says oh we always went "here or there" then pick places THEY didn't go to.
I think you should be open about why you resent him not telling you till now. I think he ought to know HOw it makes you feel. He is not a very considerate man.
My parents who were married for 47 year had a couple of vacation spots in the Mediterranean, and this year he is taking his GF of little over 2 year to an island HE and my mom NEVER visited. Because he wants to still travel in the Mediterranean, but he also wants it to be an adventure for the TWO of them. And my dad is RATHER dense when it comes to being sensitive towards women... but he figured that on out on his own.... so you partner OUGHT to have done likewise.
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