A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for six months on the 13th. Things have been kind of rough for us (I cheated on her in the beginning, I told her, we worked through it; I'm experiencing impotence lately that's putting a strain on us; There's more, I'm sure, I just can't remember now), but we're working through these things. That's not really my question though.This has been my longest relationship ever. I love this girl with all of my heart and I can't see myself being without her. But, lately, I've been feeling bored. I've felt this with other relationships before, but I've never had this kind of emotional attachment before.I don't want to leave her, but I don't want this bored feeling to get any worse. We've spent every day together (not exaggerating, 180 days spent together so far) and we do a lot together quite frequently. I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I afraid of committing? Are things getting to stressful and I'm trying to back out of the relationship? I feel like a rollercoaster of emotions because one day I'll feel so close to her and like I can never get bored, and the next day I'll feel like I just want to be by myself for the whole day.Both of us have cut off most of our friends for various reasons. Me, I don't like anyone in this small town, and her, mostly the same reasons, but some other friends she's cut off for her own good. Does this have anything to do with it? Or is it some thing completely different?In the end, I'm just looking for advice on what to do to help us grow closer and, my main question, to help me lose this feeling of boredom that I'm experience more and more frequently!! Please, please help me! I really don't want to lose this girl, and I really don't want to destroy the relationship. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your great advice. I'm planning to talk to her about it tomorrow night b/c she won't have work and we'll be able to discuss it in depth. The gist of it will be that I'm feeling occasionally bored for the past couple of weeks, that she's done absolutely nothing wrong, and that we should try to spend a day apart from each other each week. I'll also tell her that if I'm still feeling like that, then we can try for maybe 2 days. Whatever we come to an agreement on, I'm sure that it will help. Really, thank you every one for your answers. You all have been a huge help to me!Also, Grimm, it doesn't sound like you read it entirely. I said I cheated on her at the very beginning of our relationship. I'm not trying to make excuses, I know I should have been dumped as soon as I told her, but it's kind of insulting. Aside from that though, thank you for the advice. I will be trying a lot harder to show her how much I care about her, rather than just telling her I do.
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (1 October 2009):
 You cheated on her this fast into the relationship?Actions not words, young man. Impotent or not, you need to show her everyday that YOU are worth keeping around.Frankly she should have dumped you to the curb, so you got off light.Relationships take a lot of work and communication. Man up!
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (1 October 2009):
 I know a lot of people say that guys are 'afraid of commitment' and what not, but girls go through the same exact thing too. It's quite scary to think that this one person you are with is the only person you can really have feelings for. And look how many other people are out there in the world you might be missing! But you got to realize that you are with this person for a reason. It's because they make you feel good and that they understand you. And because they aren't like anyone else you've met, and they are great to be around all the time. So enters the 'grass is always greener on the other side' complex. You think things will be better the other way, and when you break up with the person you're with, you realize there was a reason you wanted to be with this person in the first place! Enter regret.
Anyway, the big issue I found in your description is this. Yes, people feel like they want to spend every day together when they are in an enjoyable relationship, but don't! Doing the same thing every day, going to the same places every day, and yes, seeing the same person every day results in boredom! It's nothing against your girlfriend, but how can you appreciate the time spent with her if you see her every day? It's impossible because it just becomes the norm. I'm assuming that you two still do have one or two friends, so start hanging out with them and giving yourselves a day or two to spend to yourselves. Everyone needs alone time. Everyone needs time to spend with their own friends. If you do this, then you won't be so bored with each other when you do get to hang out. You'll enjoy the time so much more.
I know there might be a resistance from her with this idea, especially because you cheated. That takes a lot of time for trust to build, so I understand where her resistance would come from when she can't keep an eye on you anymore. But you can't really spend the rest of your time together always together! It was her decision to stay with you and forgive, so she has to understand that you need your time too. So I would start making days where you guys don't see each other. Phone instead. Have fun with friends or by yourself, and the days that you do see her you won't be so bored.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (1 October 2009):
 Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Spend one day apart :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2009): Advice on how to grow closer? It sounds like you are already grown into one another. You need advice on how to get back your life and how to nurture a relationship. This is your first relationship with deep strong feelings I assume: "This has been my longest relationship ever. I love this girl with all of my heart and I can't see myself being without her"
Don't spend every day with her. Unless you live together then it is kinda impossible not to see her every day. I talk from experience. Me and my ex spent the first year of our relationship clinging to each other, every day we saw each other. First time we were apart was just for a few days and I had already become so accustomed to him that I felt horrible being without him next to me. Don't fall into the same trap. You are becoming too dependent on each other. You lose the other friends. You hardly go out on our own. What it does is that it's putting alot of pressure on a very fresh relationship. 6 months isnt long if you can't see yourself without her (as in you wanna be with her for years and years). So don't take all the great things out if it by squeezing them out at the very beginning.
Again talking from experience, it has a tendency to drain the relationship pretty fast if you're together every single day. So take a deep breath and talk to her about it, tell her that you still love her, but that you need to do other things some days than being with her. Take some time alone (can be very nice from time to time, you get room to think), go on a trip with friends. Do activities on your own! This is a relationship basic rule: have separate interests, and do separate activities.
The other advice I will give you is about love. Love is not a constant feeling. It grows, shrinks, expands, explodes, anything! Love is a feeling constantly changing. That is why you can not stop nurturing a relationship once you've said the three words "I love you". Thats not the high point of the relationship or feeling. From then on you need to work on the relationship. The feeling of love can die, but it's a very strong feeling, and you'd need to totally neglect your relationship for it to go away. That said, the feeling also fluctuates. Some days you might not even love your partner that much. Other days you feel like you want to jump with happiness just because of the love you feel for her. Its normal. It's okay. You might have hit a low point in your relationship, but you still love her very much, so I'd say you have a lot of great things to build on.
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