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age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I quickly want to point out that this is not a complaint about my family, I completely understand what they're saying and why, but just wanted to hear some other views on the matter. I am gay, it's no secret, I've always known and my friends are all cool with that so no worries there. The issue is that when I did come out, it wasn't my choice, I wasn't hiding it, I just don't tell people things in my life that are personal. But it was one of my friends that told everyone and then I had to announce it to my family (which I wanted to do in my own time). But needless to say, I've been openly gay for the past 5 years and I'm not shy or embarrassed about it, I'm proud to be who I am.But my family are concerned. They're totally happy with my sexuality and anyone else's for that matter, but I'm not the most confident of people and so they're worried that I won't cope under the pressures of people with homophobia. I have been bullied my whole life and so I can cope with pressure and cruel remarks, but my family are truly concerned because this is something that I can't change unlike my clothing etc. I'm not a loud person, I don't walk around shouting about my sexuality, I'm not in a relationship and I've never been one to care about what other people think. But I don't want my family to worry, any advice on how to ease their concerns without changing who I am?
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answers. I've lived almost 100 miles away from my family for a year now, I love my family and I visit as often as possible, but I do live a long way away and I live alone. Although I'm shy, I am anything but a pushover and I've been able to withstand the name calling and abuse for the past 10 or more years (of course, not caused by my sexuality). I understand my family's concern and I have no intention of hurting them. As I said, I don't walk around shouting it and announcing my sexuality to the world. I live in a city and I'm from a large city so we're used to having different cultures and lifestyles around all the time. I know what can happen to people that are subjected to forms of abuse and I know it can reflect on my family as well. Thank you again, this has helped :)
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reader, RevMick  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 You may find that small towns, which are usually mostly elderly are some of the most understanding places.As an example, an elderly grandfather I know who's grandson is gay stood up to the boys mother when the mother kicked him out of her house when he came out.The elderly gentleman confided in me of what to do, I suggested writing a letter to his daughter who all live in the same village I do. He posted the letter in the local paper along with the original letter his mother wrote.The contents went something like this, "If you can disown your own son for being nothing more than who his is, I disown you my daughter for being a bigot and hypocrite".Your parents, and family will always worry. If it's not about homophobia, it will be that you aren't eating enough, or you're looking too thin. Unfortunately parents worry, it's part of the job description.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): Until you have "proven" that you are capable of taking care of yourself and have lived on your own for a period of time; your family will be concerned about your safety.
Small towns, with small minds can be dangerous for people just coming out. You do have to watch your step to some degree. Don't judge the whole world by your circle of friends and family. You are naive to some degree; due to your lack of experience of living on your own, and dealing with challenges that being gay can present for you.
Don't live in fear and secrecy; just be prepared mentally and psychologically. Just because you're open and proud; doesn't mean you'll receive open-armed welcomes to it.
You were too trusting at one point in your life; and openly discussed your sexuality with a friend who took it upon themselves to blurt your business all over the place. That shook your family's confidence in your judgement.
People who hardly know you, and couldn't give a flying fig about you, would have gotten hold of private information about you. Some go out of their way to show you their disdain for gay people, and you may not even know them.
You could have been a target; and unaware of someone out to do you harm. You would have been caught totally off-guard and I have witnessed such things far more times than I care to recall.
That so-called friend, was tossing you to the wolves. They were not being a friend; but exposing you to be ridiculed and possibly bullied, or gay-bashed.
The fact you could refer to that person as a friend shows how naive and trusting you were at the time. That and the fact you have been bullied is enough to justify their worry for your safety. Don't be so over-confident about how long you've been out. I've lost friends and know of hate-crimes against people twice your age out much longer than you. I know of people who have lost their lives; or have been permanently injured from attacks. Out in public, and no one came to their assistance.
As long you prove to your family that your sexuality does not define you as a person; they will become more at-ease about you being "out" in the world alone.
I'm sure it's not just your sexual-orientation that they are concerned about. You are very young, a female, and have very little worldly experience. You may have simplified it down to only your sexual-orientation. They are concerned for your well-being in general.
Your shyness of course will be interpreted as being timid, and they have justification in being concerned about bullies and homophobes.
Take people intolerant of homosexuality seriously. They are potentially dangerous. You don't have to worry about what people think, but you should be prepared for what people do.
As a private citizen, not just as a gay woman.
As a gay person myself, with much experience, I don't feel I need to hide. I also know when to put my safety first. I didn't survive this long by being stupid or arrogant. I show my pride; and I live my life open to my family, friends, and select co-workers. My sexual-orientation is no one's business unless I wish to share it. I have many straight friends, married with families, and singles.
Remember also that your family also has to deal with the repercussions of public knowledge of your sexuality. They have to stand-up to people who insult you to their faces; or make derogatory or hurtful remarks about you.
So spreading the word about who you prefer to have sex with not only effects your life, it effects theirs too! I have to remind young people of this all the time; before they go militantly screaming their business all over their neighborhood.
Nosy or bigoted straight people put a lot of emphasis on proof of your preference in order to judge you as a person; you have to learn diplomacy and tactfulness in handling these kind of people.
They may be your boss, a professor, landlord, or a potential friend. People who have direct influence on your life. You have to know how to finesse your way out of situations that may blow up in your face, or cost you something important. Even your life.
So your family's concerns are not completely unwarranted. As long as you don't come off too cocky, their fears will dissipate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): Time for a heart to heart with them, OP.
You've been openly gay for 5 years, it's time to open up to them about your experiences and about the challenges you face being who you are.
OP it's only fear of the unknown that makes them worry.
You don't read many positive gay stories in the press, all you read about is being bullied to death, or how gay marriage will ruin society and all that shit. You know how it is and it's not as bad as it's made out to be. There are not hordes of homophobic barbarians running around massacring gay people.
You have to imbue them with the knowledge of how it really is, how your life actually is and that while you face homophobia regularly, it's not as profound and disturbing as they may believe. Most of all it's not something you can't handle and it is actually getting better too.
Talk to them, OP, give them reason not to worry and if you want them to understand what it's like show them this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXayhUzWnl0
I have two gay family members and they both said this is the best way they've ever heard it being put. I never really considered that homophobia could be a self-reflective thing in the way she puts it, I actually never considered that highlighting a person's sexuality was in itself a homophobic act.
OP there's still a long way to go, but in your lifetime you will see a time where sexuality is not even considered relevant to anything. Just let them into your life by telling them your story.
Most of all though, stop worrying about your family worrying, that's what they do. They'd worry about you no matter your sexuality, just let them know that your sexuality is not something to worry about, it's something you're proud of and the reactions you get are things can deal with, because the truth of the time we live in is that most people don't care or are annoyingly positive about it.
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