A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's been 1 year and I still think about him every day!I met a guy that was almost perfect for me. You know what I mean by "perfect". Like you are the star of a drama/romantic comedy series and he's the guy that all of the show's viewers keep eagerly waiting for you to finally end up with. That kind of perfect.But he was ALMOST perfect. And you know what I mean by "almost". It can be just about any little problem that arises, but usually it just comes down to the timing not being right. And the timing wasn't right for either of us. I wasn't ready for a relationship with him because I had just spent the past 3 months (and 6 rebounds) trying to get over my ex (it didn't help that my ex regretted dumping me and was attempting to get me back while I was seeing my new guy either). And my new guy wasn't sure what exactly he wanted with me toward the end of our short time dating. I'm pretty sure my own not readiness signaled to him that I wasn't who he was looking for at the time. I have to admit I set off quite a few red flags that I wasn't girlfriend material. I really tried and I held in there, but I really was a mess. No wonder he pulled away from me. So it was no surprise a few months later when I saw happy pictures of him and his new girlfriend on fb (yes, I fb stalked him). And I snapped my fingers and exclaimed "he's the good one that got away!". Then I reached for a box of tissues.That was exactly one year ago. Every single day of this past year, he's crossed my mind. I've dated other guys, but still thought of him. I really wish I could move on and forget about him. I keep hoping that dating other people, taking up new hobbies, focusing on my goals will all drive him out of my mind. But when I relax and allow my mind to wonder, he's on it...like a tumor...an inoperable tumor...benign but pressing on my frontal lobe.I wouldn't dare try to contact him. He probably thinks I'm a crazy person. I was afraid of commitment and yet paranoid that he'd lose interest. I know it doesn't make any sense. I really WAS a crazy person. I was desperate but tried to be cool. I was detached, but clingy. I was assured he liked me, but paranoid he didn't. There's no way he'd give me another chance. Of course, I am the one that walked away from him. But I only did it first because I knew he was about to. I could feel him pulling away, so I did us both a favor and ended it with a clean break. I was tired of being afraid, and I didn't want to keep beating a dead horse. I don't regret it though, because it would have only gotten worse and then it would've ended REALLY bad. I mean, it still ended badly...but it could have been much much worse. I wasn't thinking as rationally in that moment as I did afterwards, but I'm glad I had enough sense to end it.But here I am one year later, still wishing by some miracle that he'd text or send me a message on fb. But I'm not brave enough to do it myself. And so I write this.What should I do? If I should forget him, how? And if I should contact him, how? What do I say? And when he rejects me...ah I don't even want to think about it! So how do I forget him?And no, I'm not fantasizing about the "idea" of him. He really is a great guy. We complemented each other perfectly. I just wasn't ready then. I'll never know for sure if that's how he felt too. I put this guy through the ringer a few times. I accused him of not caring enough, of seeing other girls when we had agreed not to, of lying about wanting to spend time with me, and of not really being sincere when he said "sorry". I said all of those things out of pure paranoia. I had no proof other than him not returning my texts. That's it. When I told him I was having second thoughts about us, his exact words were "I'm afraid I'll disappoint you". So I walked away. I walked away but kept looking back.Please help me!
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his ex, move on, my ex, stalking, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): Don't go getting your hopes up. It was a birthday wish, like everybody else sent you. It's on Facebook, and everyone who has you listed as a friend will contact you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE!!! OMG!!! UPDATE!!!I absolutely 100% swear I have not contacted this guy in a year. I did not initiate a thing! It was my birthday yesterday, a bunch of my friends posted birthday wishes on my fb wall. However, he sent me a private message telling me Happy Birthday!I just replied Thank you :-)Then he asked me how I've been. I kept it really light and said I've been good, and asked him how he's been. He said working a lot and going to the gym. So I said it was good to hear he's healthy. Yea I don't know. It was a response. And then he asked me if I'm still dancing (I was in a performance dance troupe for half of my life). I told him I decided recently to take a break from dance for awhile. He asked how come. And the conversation pretty much just continued...I kept responding as long as he kept the conversation going. If he's trying to open the door, I'll let him. But I'm not going to make a single move until he does. I need to see what he wants first. If all he wanted was to wish a happy birthday to a fb friend, then so be it. He didn't have to, and I appreciate it. I definitely feel less like a creeper now! I feel a lot better. I had been thinking this whole time that he hated me for how I was when I blew up at him and dumped him. I guess I just needed a sign that he doesn't hate me for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): I wish you mountains of luck!
Just don't carry blame about one missed opportunity. Life is a journey, and we meet several people along the way that may have a romantic significance in our emotional development.
They touch our lives in different ways; and sometimes their only purpose was to bring about a lesson. To awaken something in us, or to help us to discover something about ourselves we didn't know.
You failing to realize that the timing was wrong.
Therefore; the odds are, you were never meant to be with him. You feel you have to fix something. Only thing you have to worry about fixing, is yourself. You've been working on that; and you have nothing to prove to him.
He just helped you to realize; in order to get something you deserve, you have to be prepared and available. Stop seeing it as a failure. It wasn't. It was a lesson.
You must now put that chapter behind you, just find yourself something better than he was.
Never mislead yourself into thinking one mistake means you're undeserving!
Just make sure before you start a new relationship; you get completely over the last. To allow yourself to start from a clean slate.
Boy how many times have I told myself; if I knew then, what I know now!
You're facing one of those moments.
Best to you, my Dear!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE, I'm sorry I left that part out. I didn't realize that it was a detail that would be focused on because, in my head, I knew they broke up a long time ago. Therefore, I didn't see his relationship with a new gf as being part of it. I apologize. I regretted mentioning that once I saw the majority of your response stemmed off of that misleading info. And yes I have changed. It would be really awful to think that I would never change and never be "stable" enough to ever be in a relationship again. It's not like just because I was not datable then means I will never be datable again. I had my heart broken freshly from the relationship previous to meeting this guy. That was why I wasn't ready then. And the old ex was constantly texting me while I was seeing this guy trying to win me back, so my head was not in the right place. That part is history. How I feel now is the present. And that's what I want to move on from. But if he wanted to try again, he would have already contacted me. That's what guys do, right? It takes two. Just because I want to try again doesn't me he wants to. I didn't leave him with the best first impression afterall. So there's no sense in hoping that he would even want to talk to me now. So forget I even asked. I have my answer. Thank you for your input. If a complete stranger sees me as just trying to re-write the past, then he will too. I just have to find another way to forget about him. Wish me luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): "No wonder he pulled away from me. So it was no surprise a few months later when I saw happy pictures of him and his new girlfriend on fb (yes, I fb stalked him)."
Where in your post does it say he broke up with her? That's a new development mentioned after the fact.
You don't quite describe yourself as very stable within the time you were together. So what do you think has changed so drastically about you; that it will work the second-time around?
Only because he's single? Just because you want to try again?
Honestly, I see a second-disaster in the making.
You would have to have gone through a serious personality-transformation since your breakup. Can you honestly say you've made a 360 since then? I think you simply want to try and rewrite the past. I guess you'll have to see first-hand how unlikely that will be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): I'm sure someone, somewhere has a lovely story about meeting someone on a train in Europe or fighting over the last pair of gloves in a department store, but the timing not being right but then meeting years later and falling in love and getting married.
I don't think that's you. To quote another romcom... you are the rule, not the exception.
WiseOwlE makes an excellent point... you've not considered whether you are right for him.... And when you pushed him away, he let you go, therefore you clearly weren't his match.
He wasn't perfect for you, because otherwise you would have thought a bit harder about the consequences of your actions and you would have fought for him back then, not thought wistfully about him a year later.
Have you been with anyone else since him? You just need to meet the right guy to make you forget him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE, thank you for your response. Your theory would make sense if he still was with his girlfriend though. They broke up 8 months ago, and he's still single because there is a post about being single on his fb. Indicating to me that he's feeling lonely or he wouldn't post about it, even in a joking way. I was a good girl, and I did not interfere with his relationship. I actually was happy for him, and a bit sad that it wasn't me. But his new gf didn't stick around very long. She left him for someone else as she shamelessly displayed on her fb page 8 months ago. I felt sad for him. I wanted to reach out to him, but I fought that urge and continued with no contact. I focused on me. I focused a LOT on myself this year. I had the time of my my life including the best day of my life when I met a handful of celebrities all in one day! It's just whenever I'd stop for a moment, I'd wish he was there too. He would haved loved that day too. I also don't want to just be his friend again. At first, I think it's a good idea to start that way with anyone before dating. It'd be a good idea too so that I can let him see the me when I'm not an insecure, depressed little girl with a jaded heart. He'd have to not see me as a crazy person and be willing to let me earn his trust again. I treated him as another of my numerous rebounds...until I started having feelings for him. Then I got scared and ran away. I wouldn't give myself a second chance. But I do think you're right in that I shouldn't contact him. I'll leave him alone. Eventually my fantasies will fade away. I just hope they would hurry up and fade already. Thank you for your reply.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): I'm glad to be the first to respond to this post to be able to give you a few things to think about; before some sentimental person urges you to go contact the guy, and get your feelings shattered.
Your mind is full of regret; because we all want to go back and correct our past mistakes.
He sticks in your mind; because you constantly reinforce your memories, by stalking him on Facebook. You are not allowing your subconscious to do it's job of detaching and erasing him from your memory. He will never be completely deleted; but the longing will fade to just a tug at your heart-strings when the memory pops up.
When you end a relationship, you have to set your mind to let go completely.
Too many people want to go back and "just be friends." That's fine, if you have moved on completely; and no longer harbor romantic feelings for that person.
If you still carry a twinge of feeling for him; you are only trying to satisfy your desire to get him back. You are also intruding on his current relationship; which would survive so much better if you didn't complicate it with your involvement and sudden intrusion.
He has a new girlfriend; who has no doubt gotten the details of his past relationship with you. Even if you were never brought up; it would be because he has gotten over you, and he has found what he needs in someone else.
"Just wanting to be friends;" when you're still pining for someone, is only trying to satisfy the unrequited feelings you've been feeding for the last year. By obsessing on the memory.
By rehashing what you should have, could have, or would have done differently. Let the past stay in the past, and time will ease the longing; and he will fade into the past with other guys you used to know.
As for dating other people. Well, you've got work to do on yourself. The evidence regarding that; is the fact you can't get over someone who already has a new girlfriend, and you're living in the past.
You want to interrupt his happiness by bringing back the bad memory that you dumped him, and all the bad experiences that lead up to that point. Selfishly, you want to pacify a curiosity or fantasy of winning him back somehow.
You need to snap out of it, and fight any urge to reintroduce yourself into his life. It would be a kinder gesture on your part to let him just be happy; and find your own happiness with someone else.
You seem to have a flare for the dramatic, just by the way you described how things occurred in your past. That same flare for drama will force you to search for a way to insert that drama into his content little world that you slightly resent; because you have regrets and remorse.
Forgive yourself. You can't rewrite the past. You were young and we all make mistakes when we don't know any better. It takes mistakes to learn life-lessons and to prepare us for future relationships that will prove more successful; due to our maturity and practice from those that didn't work out. There is a chance he will have a cold reception to your contact. How would that make you feel?
It's better to wonder, than to relive the pain as it felt when you broke up.
It would be better not to know that he found someone that made him happier than you could. Then you'll develop resentments and want to sabotage what he has out of jealousy. Trying everything you can to steal his attention away from her, and remind her you had him first. That would be your first inclination. To open communication, and then to work at getting his attention. With the hope she will be annoyed; or become insecure of your presence. His ex is now back in the picture, and she's stirring up old feelings.
I know a little about human-nature. If you didn't want him back, you wouldn't have a problem forgetting him. Wanting him back will drive you to do things you shouldn't do as a friend.
So, continue letting him be a fantasy. As fantasies go, they fade-away over time.
They get buried where memories belong, and you will be able to free yourself to find someone better for you. You can start from a clean slate and not worry about fixing what you messed up a long time ago; only because you really weren't right for each other.
You've convinced yourself that he was want you wanted.
You've totally dismissed the fact that you weren't right for him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2014): You're addicted to drama and rom-coms.
And even if he is a great guy you still seem to be fantasizing about an idea of him.
You didn't even seem to be that into him when you were with him.
Just spend some time being you instead of attempting to live a grand romance.
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