A
female
age
30-35,
*nnakat
writes:I need some advice about my sexuality. I'm an 18 year old girl and I'm gay, but I desperately try to be straight. I don't have a problem with gay people and I'm not homophobic, but I was always raised to believe that men end up with women and women end up with men. I'm Catholic, I'm a conservative republican, and I'm very old-fashioned with my beliefs, but I'm attracted to women.I've had several boyfriends and have had sex with guys, but it never feels right. When I'm in a relationship I always feel like we're just friends hanging out and even though I care about them it isn't a strong "in love" feeling. I'm never turned on during sex and usually just fake my way through it because I don't want my partner to feel bad that he isn't pleasing me. But I fantasize about women and fell in love with my best friend in high school (who is female). I get turned on while watching lesbian porn and sometimes masturbate to it and am able to orgasm.I've come out to a few close friends (never my family, they would be mortified if they found out) and they are very accepting of me and tell me that I should embrace who I am. I know sexuality isn't like a light switch, and that you can't just "choose" to be straight but I desperately want to. I've always dreamt of getting married and having a family, but I guess I just assumed it would be with a man.My question is: Is it wrong to date men and pretend to be attracted to them? I'm a good girlfriend and would do anything for the guy I'm with, even if it means doing things I don't desire like kissing, having sex, etc. Any other advice you may have is welcome. Thanks.-Just for clarification-I've had a few friends suggest that I might be bisexual. I am NOT bi. I am only attracted to women and don't see men as anything more than friends. I only date guys because I feel like it's expected of me.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 December 2010):
 In sacrificing, as I've said, try to find some common ground or something that attracts you to who you are with. Although I agree with the other posters, I have to say I admire you because you're willing to sacrifice who you are for what you feel is right, where so many people take for granted their relationship and who they are with.
In history there have been relationships that would imitate the one you would enter into. Those who are pre-determined to enter into marriage with someone chosen for them. Even in some older couples we here statements like, "He was a good provider" etc. when explaining how their marriage is. Not about love, but about it working as a partnership between two people.
I'd have to agree also with your previous boyfriends who say they'll enjoy trying to turn you strait. At lease you are honest with them, and you don't keep who you are a secret. I do pray whoever you find you become best friends with. You can do so, and having the feelings you have. I think in dong so and being honest you'll find someone to spend your life with, and although you are attracted to women, you may find love in them, not for their sex but for who they are as an individual. I think in dong so you can find life to be an amazing experience, and one shared with someone who enjoys sharing similar likes with you.
In my view, if you find someone like that, they will be lucky to have you as their wife, and mother of their children.
Take care.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): It's your choice what you do. But consider... would you be happy with a woman if she spent years with you, then told you she is straight and had no feelings for you at all, ever, and sexually you are not satisfying her, and that emotionally you are not either?
Would you like a person to do that to you, under the guise of sparing your feelings, and their own fears about their sexuality because of Religious Doctrine that has no place in a modern society that has absolutely no issues with losing it's population anymore?
Chances are, no, you wouldn't. You'd be heartbroken and angry, with every right.
Tis better to tell the truth and hurt someone immediately and let the pain and hurt in them heal on its own accord, then to keep the pain alive but invisible due to an emotional pain-killer made of lies.
Because the truth will ALWAYS come out. All you can do is choose how much damage you may cause. Will it be a shart spell of heartbreak for them? Or a lifetime of it for both of you?
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, annakat +, writes (22 December 2010):
annakat is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. I really do appreciate your help.
To rcn, I have never been with a woman before but I just feel like I should be. I have talked to my priest in the past and his advice to me was that "We all have thoughts and we all have temptations, but it's how we act on these things that determine our resistance to sin. There's nothing anyone can do about their sexuality, but they don't have to act on their feelings." Also, it's not necessarily that the sex is unsatisfying, it just feels weird. I can tell which guys are better in bed than others, and I've never been with someone who was absolutely awful, but it's never felt right or made me feel happy or loved.
My biggest concern in this is that I'm being disrespectful and unfair to the guys I date (like anonymous wrote). When things get really serious I have come out to a few of them, and surprisingly they didn't break up with me over it. They usually tell me that being with me makes them happy and as long as I'm willing to be with them they're willing to try and "turn me." So is it wrong to be with a man if my being with him makes him happy and he loves me, even though I'll never reciprocate those feelings? I don't think I'll ever really be happy with a man, but I'm willing to sacrifice it to be straight.
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A
female
reader, Jessypj  +, writes (22 December 2010):
You can't hide from your sexuality. You will always be attracted to women no matter how much you try to be with men. You will make yourself severely unhappy if you do not embrace your love for women. Please accept who you are Going out with a man and leading him to believe you're straight is just cruel for both of you
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): You can run from what you are. But you can't hide. It will be there always and you show disrespect to any guy you date because you are lying to both them and yourself.It may be hard for a guy to be dumped by his partner for am girl (because then we have to wonder if we were so bad in the sack we turned you gay) but there will always be more hetero's than gays, as the human race would die out otherwise.So we get over it. But you cannot flat out lie to any partner in any aspect of sexuality. If a guy isn't what you want or need, then let him go and find someone who deserves that from him.You are attracted sexually only to women. This is genetically programmed into you. It is not a choice you make. This does not make you evil. Or bad. Or a sinner. It makes you human.But leading a man on when you have no real interest is a terrible thing to do. If you don't love someone then you shouldn't be with them. As simple as that.Flynn 24
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (22 December 2010):
Have you been sexually intimate with a female? As a guy, I'll admit we don't know the female body like a female does, so we often fall short with the girl we're with faking that moment.
If you were to change your position from gay to strait, you'd need to find someone or you'd need to train them in what really makes you tick. I don't know if that would work, but it definitely wouldn't hurt. I believe sometimes people choose if they are gay or will be strait, but I have also known some who are born men and should have been born women and women that should have been born men. People may argue that point, but years ago in Australia, scientists researched that subject and found it could be true. Looking at brains from transvestites and brains of women, the results were stunning where the part of the brain that determines sexuality was similar in comparison.
What else may happen is going against who you are may lead to a life of being disappointed and hurt. Giving up your happiness to adhere to societies view of normalcy. I really do feel for your position and how difficult keeping this secret has been for you. As a behavior analyst, your question is hard. Make me strait??? That's not something that I have come across often. If I knew a firm answer, I'd gladly share the secret if there was one. Believe me, girls being with girls has taken too many women off the market for guys, in my opinion.
I understand this doesn't line up with Catholic views, but you were created to be who you are, not who you're not. To say that who you are is wrong, is to say that God made a mistake, which I don't believe is in His description. Whether you choose to be with guys, or with girls, you are no less than being part of perfection. Don't ever let anyone tell you different.
If you want to live straight, start looking at guys to see what you can find in therm that can be attractive to you. And when you're with a guy, you might have to train them into what you like and don't like. Tell them, "do this, do it there" or whatever. Hopefully you'll find one that your pleasure is his main concern and not his own. I believe that could make a difference for you.
Take care. I hope everything works out for you.
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