A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am no longer sexually attracted to my husband. He does not know this and I don't know if I should break the news to him or keep it to myself. I know the reasons I am no longer attracted. He was unfaithful and I haven't been able to forgive him, even though it happened 4 years ago I only found out what he had done for sure about 6 months ago, I had a feeling 4 years ago something was going on and have since been falling out of love with him, now it's gotten worse. I can't have sex with him without seeing him and her together. I have to imagine anyone else but my husband in order to get aroused. I'm no longer physically attracted to my husband and when I look in his eyes all I can think of is how he abandoned me and how untrustworthy he has been. I still love him and I have thought of divorce but I don't want to give up if there is hope. He is a great friend to me and we still have sex at least a couple times a week but I'm unhappy and don't know how to tell him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 June 2016):
 My father cheated. My mother forgave him.
there is hope if you want there to be. IT will involve forgiveness on your part.
I agree that 6 months is not a long time to process this especially without guidance.
I suggest you find a therapist that will help you work through your feelings and then when ready can help you to have the conversation with your husband that you need to have. (I have taken my spouse into my therapy sessions now and then which is separate from marriage counseling)
IGNORING It will not make it go away.
Does he know you know about the affair?
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 June 2016):
 In my book, there is no hope here. Because he cheated. It's not something you did, it's not something you wanted, and there is nothing you can do to change the past. It's all on him. He made the decision that you, and your relationship, wasn't that important. He tossed it out. I don't know anyone who can say they truly have forgiven such an act of betrayal. Such an act of back stabbing, showing no respect, and no care on earth, for their partner. It's really low, you got to admit it. And as much as you loved him, as much as you wanted this marriage to work, he DID NOT CARE. And that is the reason you can not move on. Because he did not care, and you can not have a marriage where only one of the two are committed. He might say he is committed now, but he failed you once before, and the betrayal was too great. Such scars never really fade away. You either live with them, or you don't. But they never go away.
So to me, there is no hope here. He made this decision for the two of you four years ago.
And what's worse, if he ever cheats again... You will look back on today and regret that you didn't leave. You will feel like it is all your fault. Because the warning sign was there, he cheated before, and you stopped being attracted to him. Chances are high he will cheat again. That is a risk I wouldn't want to take, if I were you. Because whatever there is to gain, you're the one on the losing end, no matter what. If he stays faithful, you will always resent him for his past cheating. You will still not be sexually attracted to him, and thus you have been cheated out of having a fulfilling relationship. If he cheats again.. well, then you haven't gained much at all, have you.
So the way I see this, it is lose-lose for you either way. Don't blame yourself for not being attracted to him any longer. He was the one who made the decision to cheat, not you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): When I caught my partner in bed with another guy; it took me a long time before I could stand him to put his hands on me.
I cringed even if he just placed his hand on my shoulder.
I can relate to how you feel. You're in marriage, and he betrayed his vows; and most importantly, he destroyed your trust.
Your situation sounds salvageable; because you can still say you love him. It takes time. Six months isn't a lot of time to get-over learning your husband cheated on you, sweetie!
You didn't explode and throw him out. You have every right to feel the way you do. He took something away from you that is precious to you. His loyalty and faithfulness. It took me perhaps a year to forgive, but I forgave my partner. I loved him so deeply, and he made so much effort to make it up to me. I'm not the kind to carry nasty grudges; however, I don't like being cheated on. I give of myself without holding back. I personally fought off a lot of temptation to protect my relationship. Then to catch him in the act!!! Girlfriend, that scene replayed in my memory for many many years. I've never been so crushed, and I was angry enough to throw them both from a sixth-floor balcony. I gave him hell, but I kept my man. We had to work at it. I'm not the insecure type, so it worked. I would never forgive anyone like that again. I was very young and resilient. Perhaps naive. I'm too mature and logical now.
Allow your feelings time to heal. Express your feelings about it without letting yourself go into a rage. You can't internalize the pain and sting of the betrayal. He has to know how he hurt you inside. Just don't become bitter and antagonistic. If you're that bad off, get a divorce. People recommend counseling, but most of the healing to the point of forgiveness is dependent on the depth of your mutual love for each other. Counseling is great when you need a referee; just before you divorce. I had to work it out and we had to share the effort 50/50. If I saw him slacking on his part; I reminded him that the door was only a few paces away; and I don't mind changing the locks.
I recommend you give yourself more time. if you don't feel like sex; don't feel obligated based on the feeling he'll get it somewhere else. If he is inclined to cheat, he'll do it anyway. Have sex only when you want it. You feel disgusted from the concentration of resentment built-up inside of you. It's not really true you're no longer attracted. You're still in shock, sweetie. I know the numbness. Been there and done that.
Do only what you know you can live with.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 June 2016):
 I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.
In the grand scheme of things, 6 months is a fairly short time and it doesn't surprise me that you are having problems coming to grips with this. I also suspect, in reading between the lines, that there is some unresolved conflict or questions that you need answered. Also, I suspect that you no longer trust him, as your relationship has completely changed. At one point, you thought you were monogamous and committed and now you are having second thoughts. So your perception of reality is definitely taken a hit.
Really there are only a few choices here for you to make:
1) Seek help. Either on your own or with him, but seek out a therapist if you haven't already done so. Talking to a professional about what has transpired will help put it out in the open. Your therapist would also be able to give you "next steps" that you can take in order to heal. I highly recommend this course of action.
2) Call it a wraps on your marriage. Cheating is cheating and something was probably wrong 4 years ago to cause him to cheat. Has it been fixed? Do you see him cheating again if the same situation came around? You will never forget, but can you forgive? Was this a one-time deal or a full-on affair? These are questions you must ask and answer.
3) Give yourself more time. Time heals all wounds if you are patient enough. Your trust in your husband may get better and if he shows himself as being contrite you may fall back in love with him. Set a date on a calendar and if you still feel the way you do, plan a next course of action.
Doing nothing will only prolong the hurt and emptiness you feel. I hope you take some time to take initiative and sort out your emotions after this emotional bombshell. Right now, this wound is festering in you and unlikely to get better without proper care.
Good luck.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (1 June 2016):
 Six months age is recent so you need to, first, tell him that you do. Not want to have sex with him. You are not obligated to have sex nor to have sex with the person that you wish not to. Second, he needs to know, in no uncertain terms that cessation of sex is because you haven't forgiven him.
Demand time for yourself so that you can figure out if you can forgive or not. If you asking me would I forgive, my answer is no, but that does not mean that it should be your decision. Take time to think if you could erase these images and feelings you have, whether the time will take them away or not, whether once you forgive you will never bring it up... look up what forgiveness means... Then make a call: forgive or, if you can't divorce.
This situation is no longer about him. He is a cheater and this is about you in order to be at peace with what he has done. There are but only two ways to achieve the peace of mind for yourself: forgive or divorce.
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