A
female
age
30-35,
*irela
writes:Hi, I'm 18 years old and I've been in a LDR with my german fiance (who's one month older than me) for 1 year and 5 months. We met for 3 times and spent one full week+2 weekends together in total. We were both virgins when we met but that changed. So...in 3 days I'm flying to Germany again, I will spend 9 days with him but lately things have been changing. Due to our many arguments, due to our rl stress (exams, parents) we kinda became distant. Like 2 weeks ago he stopped saying he loved me. I realised something was wrong, he confessed it few days later. He said he was no longer sure he wanted to spend his life with me, because there was something wrong about our relationship. He said he didn't love me anymore but he still cared a lot for me. In the next days, I kept trying to make him feel good when chatting with me (we chat on yahoo messenger almost nonstop) but we still argued. He's so jealous and it's so easy to be misjudged by him...oh well, I could give many other details but I just want to know HOW to act in order to make him love me again. I'm still attractive to him, but I do not want to keep him with me cause of his sexual desires. It's pretty complicated, but he's my one and only and I do not want to lose him. Our mentalities are so different and we had hundreds of arguments so far but we sticked together.We were supposed to move together after I was done with my exams but he still couldn't get a full-time job. I told him I wouldn't move with him if he couldn't manage to get hired cause I don't want to be a burden, I guess I shouldn't have put it like that, it made him even more unsure of our future together. Sorry i'm incoherent, i'm on my cellphone. Thanks in advance to those reading this and giving me a piece of advice.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (1 April 2012):
 This relationship has ended. He has already said he doesn't love you anymore, that isn't going to change, so don't make any permanent plans.
We can't stop you from going to Germany, but I don't think he wants you there. You fight all the time anyway, you've got different personalities, and he's the jealous type. You won't be able to spend a month with such a guy, let alone the rest of your life. Doesn't matter, because he doesn't want to spend a lifetime with you.
We can't tell you how to behave or what to do, because the guy has already said he doesn't really love you. But you are young and you will not listen. Please take enough money so you can go stay in a hotel room, and enough to get a ticket back home when your sad and unhappy.
You are young, you don't listen, when you go to Germany he will break your heart and make you cry. But you are determined to go and see for yourself and so I wish you all the luck in the world.
People break up all the time, and you can't hold someone who doesn't want you.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (1 April 2012):
 "I just want to know HOW to act in order to make him love me again."
You act as yourself. You don't change to fit someone who has only spent 11 days in RL in the same room with you. If he doesn't love you for yourself, then he's not the guy for you. That's a fundamental requirement in a successful relationship.
"I'm still attractive to him, but I do not want to keep him with me cause of his sexual desires. It's pretty complicated, but he's my one and only and I do not want to lose him. Our mentalities are so different and we had hundreds of arguments so far but we sticked together." This sounds like he wants something you don't want. You are very vague on this but the fact that you've had hundreds of arguments in a year would suggest that you aren't really a very good match for each other. My guess is that if you two did indeed live in the same town, the relationship would have died a natural death due to the fundamental incompatibility. You've managed to keep it going because of the distance, not in spite of the distance.
I would stop trying to pretend to be something you are not, stop trying to change his mind. If he loves you, he will love you as you are, right now, without any need for change. If the relationship is dependent on some sexual activities or desires that aren't truly in alignment with your sensibilities, it will not survive, I am sorry. The cost to you will be too high.
A jealous guy with a quick temper and a propensity to misjudge you? Sounds like an inexperienced hothead who needs to grow up. Combine that with your trying to make it up to him, and I see a girl desperately trying to hang onto a guy who isn't all that interested in the REAL YOU. Sorry. He's living in a fantasy world and I'm afraid you are too.
And I fully agree with CincyCares, jealousy is not about love. It's about control, insecurity, anger and should not to be mistaken for love. All it means is that he's got some anger issues and perhaps needs some time to mature a bit further.
I'd back off on trying to get him back and get some real perspective on this by talking to friends and family in RL.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 April 2012):
 Sigh....I won't even try to convince you that an engagement between two teenagers who have spent together all of , what, eleven days ? , can't be even called engagement , it's a more like a parody, or child play.
In fact, probably if I were your age I'do the same, I'd go there and try to fight for my love, I'd see if I can straighten things up in person.
But, I don't have a good feeling about this, so I encourage you to hope for the best , and be prepared for the worst.
My experience tells me that " I care a lot about you " is waaaay different from " I love you ", in fact, it's just the sort of lame thing that guys say when they want to let you down easy , and don't know how to do it without looking like a mean asshole. It generelly is " I care a lot about you, BUT... " Go there and see with what kind of " but " he will come up.
Also , I'd like to disabuse you of the notion that jealousy is authomatically equivalent to love. Not at all. Jealousy has got a lot to do with ego, control , insecurity and greed. There are tons of people who are jealous, say, of their FWB to whom they don't want to commit . It's like " I don't want you,- but I don't want other people to have you ". Because they like to count you among their options, because they hate being ditched first.... etc.etc., but it has nothing to do with real depth of feelings.
I particularly dislike the " I don't want to lose you " part. I bet it's true, he does not want to lose you,- but he does not want to commit either. So " I don't want to lose you " , I suspect it means more or less " I want you to stay around to boost my ego , at MY terms and conditions, until I find someone else I can REALLY fall in love with ".
So...it does not look so good, if you ask me. Nevertheless , I commend you for being brave and taking the bull by the horns . In person, you won't be able to stay in a limbo , you 'll have either to fix things - or accept that they can't be fixed. Good luck, and- try not to worry too much, right now it seems to you as he must be " the one 2... but you are only 18 and I am sue life will give you not only a second shot at love, but several more, if this does not work.
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A
female
reader, Mirela +, writes (1 April 2012):
Mirela is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your opinions, but he told me he CARES A LOT about me and that he doesn't want to lose me. He still gets jealous, he wouldn't do it if I meant nothing to him. Also, I can't give up to everything so easy. We're both looking forward to this meeting so we can sort things out...
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A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (1 April 2012):
 You can't do anything to make anyone love you. He's told you he doesn't love you and you should accept and respect that and not go to Germany.
Imagine how horrible and awkward you are both going to feel if you do go? A whole 9 days with someone who no longer loves you. As hard as it seems, you should cancel your plans to go to Germany.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 April 2012):
 Mirela, Mirela, Mirela!
This engagement is just so not happening, and wrong on too many levels!
The young man has given you a VERY BIG HINT! He said he doesn't love you anymore.
Cancel your ticket and get whatever refund you can and buy yourself something you would normally consider an extravagance!
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