A
male
age
,
*aulfun
writes:I have been married for 19 years, I am 64 my wife is 48. We have a son aged 15. It has been a happy marriage, we were both in love and have a wonderful life, great house, great cars, health, great holidays. My wife also has a great stable business.Two years ago, I discovered by accident a text message on her phone from a friend of mine. It was describing a sex act he wanted to do with my wife. At that moment 23 years of being together and the trust and confidence disappeared in a hearbeat. She said she did not love me anymore and wanted fun. I discovered lots of other things that had been going on with this guy, plus she lent him a large sum of money. I tried to bring the marriage back on track but to no avail,she said she wanted freedom to do whatever she wanted, she had only bad memories of our marriage, selective in what she remembered. I then discovered when she went on a business trip she was seen with a younger guy in the hotel and left the bar together at 2a.m. and went upstairs in the elevator.She denies anything happened but I am not so sure. She now says that the relationship with my so called friend was only a bit of fun, she also swears there is nobody else involved, no-one waiting in he cupboard.!She spends lots of weekends away with her buddies, and I know she has been sending text messages that I send her on to her friends. We still live in the same house but there has been no physical contact for 18months, not even a touch. She says she has no need for sex, but last week she said that sex was one of the problems. I was not sure what this meant??She recently started divorce procedings against me, which I am defending.This weekend just gone we went together to a friends 25th wedding anniversary party. They have a daughter very attractive 22 year old who is a lesbian. As we got to the party my wife put a lot of distance between us and I was left with the job of being photographer.My wife made a beeline to this girl and sat close to her, I overheard the conversation, my wife was asking her about this girls current girlfriend, and whether she had ever been with a man, that sort of thing. My wife was really getting into this convesation. I then noticed the way this girl was looking at my wife, it was the same as a man would look at her. My wife by the way is extremely attractive. I then noticed the way my wife was looking at this girl and the penny dropped. I do not think they are doing anything but I think they both want a relationship. This girl asked my wife to come visit her new apartment one weekend - which is in another town and would mean a weekend away. All evening it was like that, my wife taking every opportunity to be next to her. I also noticed this girl looking at me whenever I spoke to my wife, and I knew the look, it was as clear as day. She wants my wife, purely for a sexual relationship. Maybe this is what my wife meant when she said sex was a problem? I confronted my wife with it, and she said nothing, not a word. I did expect her to say something when we eventually got home but no, nothing was said. This has confirmed it to me. I told her that I could accept it if she has been living a lie for all these years, maybe she has dicovered her true sexuality, but if she has why won't she tell me. I love this woman with all my heart and have been finding it terribly difficult to let her go, but if this is the way she wants to live then should I just accept it and get on with my life? Help Please.
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reader, paulfun +, writes (28 September 2009):
paulfun is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say thanks to all the people who have replied, it really means something to me that you have taken the time to put pen to paper and try to offer advice.I am as you have all said devastated and numb, but life must go on, and I am sure of one thing at the end of the day, on the darkest night, sometime in the future, she will lie in bed wondering why she did it. Thanks again and God Bless.
A
female
reader, PaigeAlexxandra  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 Dear Duly Dazed,
WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE! Amazing how people can flip a switch and suddenly loved ones become disposable. Why? She seems to be going through that much-overused condition called, "middle aged crisis"; though 'crisis' is a misnomer; it hardly EVER is a real crisis; it more a huge shift that happens inside a person for reason unknown AND known reasons that are egregious at best.
You say she's 48 and I've got a feeling that she's been building to this point for probably 8 or more years....without her even being aware of it! (Been there, done that) Then without warning, it seems that the culmination of all those 'years that built to this point' take over and take control of feelings you (she) no longer have the power to direct oneself to ignore 'intruiguing' fantasies, and focus on what she's had for so many years with you. But I'm afraid 48-ish seems to be the time of life/self-assessment and the realization that tomorrow brings us closer to the end, so the urge to LIVE (instead of turning to your loved one) prevails.....and seems perfectly fine-----UNTIL THE SPELL IS BROKEN and reality sets in. By then she may find herself alone and without a man who is wiling to accept what she believes she wants, and move on.
Accept/Move On. Amazing that you are considering that as a viable option since it's usually the VERY LAST conclusive and painful decision that the heartbroken usually reach after much time of sorrow and daily heartache. Good for you for understanding that if you move on, you'll be in a position to use that opportunity to truly LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU CHOOSE, and you never know how great that life may be. OR you can stand by and watch her flaunt her selfishness in your face; something you do not deserve.
I'm sorry this is so unfair to you, but truly, we're never dropped into a life-situation that doesn't have great opportunity to turn pain into power. Maturity helps for sure, but in the end, we're all capable of pain, but it's what you do with that pain that's going to free you from the lousy position you've been forced to be a part of.
Clearly, you're capable of doing what's right for you. This is about you, not her, so be ready to arm yourself with everything you need to keep yourself as strong as possible. That strength and TIME will take you to a new place in your own life that will surely be more satisfying than the one you're living now.
Be strong.
Alexx
xx
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A
female
reader, Bubuvn  +, writes (28 September 2009):
Sorry for your unhappy marriage. You are so much in love with, but she does not love you. You have only one life and you deserve better. You are already 64. It is difficult to restart again. I do not know you but I never accept lie and cheat. I do not believe in man, when I met a cheater in internet. I know when you love someone, you will feel very hurt to leave her. If she does not care about your love, even though you tried a lot, why you stay and put your life misserable. Do you know there is one kind of love is leaving? If you leave her make her happier, leave her. Love a person is let she do want he want and let she live what she likes. You will be happy if you see her is happy with her life. Someday you will find true love, who really care about you and take care of you well and treat you as a king. You can not change her, only she can change for you. If her heart is not belong to you anymore let her go and you move on with your life.
Good luck and God bless you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): I am sorry you are suffering through your wife's midlife crisis. I have experienced everything you addressed in a 35-year marriage. It was the most traumatic period of my life, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
It is obvious that you are suspicious and do not trust your wife. Trust can be recovered, but it is very difficult to do so. Ask yourself what you would be thinking every time she is out of the house and you are there alone.
Don't expend any more energy trying to analyze her behavior. That won't affect any positive change and will only hurt you more. If she wants a divorce, there is nothing you can do about it.
There is the matter of a marital/separation agreement. That could go back and forth depending on your willingness to sign. Because she started proceedings, she has the ball in her court as far as when the action moves forward. People are most willing to give more to their spouses in the beginning; I think they believe there is a possibility of reconciliation at that point. Don't make that mistake. Play hard ball.
I am perplexed by your statement that you are defending yourself. Are you a lawyer? What charges has she brought against you? It doesn't sound like it is no-fault divorce.
From what you say, it also doesn't sound like it is even close to going to court unless you left something out. If your son is only 15, there is the matter of child support if she is keeping him. I would try to arrange joint custody were I in your shoes.
The aforementioned are all the negatives. There are other possibilities. Women change their minds more frequently than men; they vacillate. I did. I wanted a divorce, I didn't, I remarried him, I left him, etc.....a string of affairs unknown to me for years. This is merely a stereotype and doesn't apply to everyone.
It sounds like your wife is in charge right now. You need to change that if for no other reason than to make yourself feel better about all this. There is a matter of self-respect. I would show complete indifference and not respond to anything she does or says in ANY way. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. This would be totally unexpected on her part and might even push her your way. She wouldn't understand it, and it might cause her to think. Mum is the word.
Personally, having been through what I have, I wouldn't want her back. There is only more misery ahead. If she does come around, I wouldn't move in together until you had gone through intensive counseling.
I will also tell you that if I had known what I do today, I would have never left my husband to begin with--even though there was much pain. It broke the family apart and hurt the children.
Good luck. [email address blocked] Email me if you have more questions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Dude, I sympathise with your position. There are many aunts on here who are more skilled than I at explaining women and what they say and why. I am a Man so will try and explain what I feel you should and might do.
This woman has finished your marriage of her own accord.I dont think that her actions and words would lend themselves to your being able to trust her. i think that the divorce is probably for the best but I would suggest that there might be substantial grounds for your defence if you knew exactly what she gets up to.
I believe that until you acknowledge that the woman you thought you knew is gone you will be immobilised and paralysed and I also understand that it must be near impossible to bring yourself to belive that, to face this you will need counselling, only through this can you deal with what is happening and not lose yourself in the process.
The best of luck with this and rememeber there is light at the end of the tunnel on this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): Im sorry that I cannot help you, but I feel for you. What she is doing to you is not right. You absolutely should make some choices in your life. Let yourself be treated this way or not. Why should she be allowed to go out and have fun and leaving you heartbroken. Its just cruel and mean. You are her husband and deserve some explanations. I guess the only thing I can say is, dont let her walk over you and treat you like air. No one deserves that.
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