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*ndy J
writes: Hi my girlfriend split up with me last week, on the friday. Basically because i fibbed to her twice about where i was staying when visiting my friend at uni, also because i went to see my best friend at uni 3 weekends in a row. I'd do anything in the world to turn back time to thoose weekends and to spend time with her because weekends used to be our time.I went over on the sunday but she just said that its over and its too late etc. But on the monday i stayed at hers for the night and we went out on Valentines night for a romantic meal etc and stayed with her Wednesday too. She said that she wants to be just abit more than friends, start dating again and take things slow, which i thought was fine. But then her mum and dad got back from spain and things changed.I've done nearlly everything to get her back, but she just said to me that shes had time to think since tuesday and its not what she wants anymore. She said that we'll never be together again. (Ouch)! But i no she still cares from some of the messages i get off her (EG: if your going out on friday 2 ill have to make an effert). Were going bowling on Thursday which is good but im not sure if i can just be friends with her. It would crush me if i saw her with someone else and shes going to uni in september, but just last month we were talking about me moving down with her, but again she sayin that she doesnt want me to now.What can i do? ive never had this feeling before but i honestly am feeling very suicidal at the moment because she was my life and i dont no i can live without her....Andy
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reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (23 February 2006):
 Sorry wont let me do that. Was just an idea cause of the threads length but the system dont seem to like it. Anyways, ye as i said really..
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (23 February 2006):
...or maybe it doesnt lol....i will put my msn addy up on my profile for a bit and take it from there if you want.
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (23 February 2006):
With regard to her friends, you have to bear in mind if shes confused shes going to be leaning on other people for their opinions alot. In a similar way to you being here posting. They may well be telling her to forget you and there is little you can do about that directly. Have you got mutual friends who might 'lobby' for you?
The other guy thing did cross my mind actually. If she wants you to get over her she is going about it an odd way. Its highly possible she isnt aware of what she is doing. Sometimes people mess with each others heads but dont realise what they are doing because they are so messed themselves.
I think taking your foot off the accelerator is very wise and will hopefully reduce your stress. I agree you do need to get it sorted. If you follow the link on my profile page to my website there should be a personal email there for me under 'Darrells Mind'; addy me to MSN if you want. It's just that this thread is becoming a little like a chat between us and maybe it would be better done on MSN if thats ok.
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reader, Andy J +, writes (23 February 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the question Well i guess so mate yea, but im not going to contact her im just going to wait for her to contact me. It just seems that everytime she goes out with her 2 stupid wanna be friends things change overnight.Their not even proper friends, all they think is that if im single then everyone else should be and its just another person to hang around with. Thats all it is. If they were fella's it'd be easy, they'd b eating through a straw 4 six weeks, but there not so dont no what to do?!She said "you dont have to worry about me" for some reason last night that sounded to me that she met another guy and was chattin etc and i dont no, exchanged numbers. But im never guna find out, even if she did i think shed lie to me about it cos she nos id fly of the handle.I feel stuck mate, the only thing i can do is take my foot of the accelerator pedal for abit and like today im not going to contact her, again im going to wait for her to contact me, even if shes doesnt then ill just take it tonight means nothing to her, i mean nothing to her and basically forget her. But if she does then guess ive gotta go out.I woke up this morning thinking do i really wanna go out with her tonight, i do, but not as much as i thought i was going to. I think shes doing this on purpose mate: Remember what i said about her saying to me "i dont want u fighting for a lost cause and i want u 2 get over me"?...Well i think shes doing this because she no's that its going to push me away and maybe thats the only way she see's that she can get rid of me?!..Thats the only thing i can think of mate.Im all over the place still but dealing with it a little bit better i guess, but these mind games and the sense that she leading me on isnt healthy, it needs sorting cos im to stressed all day everyday even sleeping stressed and its guna make me ill.Any more advice help dazz lol ?!...
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (23 February 2006):
Hmmmmmm I presume shes still on for tonight? She seems like an emotional ping-pong ball at the moment all over the place. I think this next suggestion is going to be hard for you to do and easy for me to say but it maybe for the best and paradoxically it may be the only way you work out.
I think you need to try and detach yourself from her a little emotionally. I am not saying let her go or give up totally give up but I am saying try and play it cool and not invest all you have emotionally in a reconcilliation with her. You need to be able to play this one cool and be in control cause its a very emotionally volitile situation.
If you feel shes messing you about then you probably will get angry, snap and then chances of reconcilliation will go. Try and keep you wits about you and box cleaver and play a long-ball game. She may intimate it sometimes but things are unlikely to go back to how they were overnight. Sorry I cant be more help. I know that this is easy for me to say sitting here.
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reader, Andy J +, writes (23 February 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks dazz...1 more thing mate...
She came to work yesterday with her dad to get her passport picture done and everything was ok when i saw her and her dad. She rang me when i finished work and asked what i was doing, i said nothing and she said can u come to the train station to get my passport picture done (the 1 at work didnt work), so i said ill pick you up in 2 minutes...
So we went out and she was sayin things like i was looking good etc and shes really fallen 4 me today and was holding my hand when i was driving. She also said that her dad said to her "hes a nice guy really" and she wanted me to send her naughty text messages later !!!...
When i droped her off at her house both her mum and dad pulled up at the same time and she was shittin her self saying how her mums going to be like oh youve been with andy again then and really worring about it...Anyway we had a hug and she got out and said shed text me when she was in bed...
She went out to the pub with one of her mates last night and i didnt hear from her, so i text her about 11 and just said have u had a good evening just seeing if your ok...She text me back about 15minutes later and said shed just got in and that i dont need to worry about her...
I said oh rite sorry whats wrong you seem different, her reply was i just dont want u to think im leading you on and giving u the wrong idea so to speak..What the f**k mate, in the car she was f**king sayin that i was looking good and she cant stop touching me, shes fallen 4 me tonight and holding my hand whilest i was driving??? Im angry anymore but im f**king well upset about all this now, I think her mum and freind have told her again that shes better off without me...
I dont want to say anything cos it'll push her away, but im not sure how much more i can take...Help me mate...
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 February 2006):
Be prepared for the worst but that doesn't mean that is what will happen.Sounds good just keep it nice and chilled and go with the flow. If she tries it on go with what you feel is right. Maybe you should sort things out before you go for anything like that so you both know where you stand but go with the mood of the moment.
If you have a good time Thursday and its nice and chilled she will most likely come back Sat, dont mention Sat till you see how it goes tommorrow though and if she can't make it Saturday but just go with what your gut says and go with the moment I would say. If Thursday goes well then that is something nice and positive in her head while shes thinking about Sat, if you ask her now she might hesitate. Leave it till the end of the evening and just focus on having a good time.
Good luck with it hope you can let us know how it goes.
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reader, Andy J +, writes (22 February 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheers buddy! Yea cant really see her doing that to me either but i guess i'll find out after Tuesday / wednesday next week hey!
I just want to reasure her that it will never happen again and if anything this has brought us closer and stronger as a couple. At the moment im trying to face the fact that were over and be prepered for the worst!
And then anything that happens is a bonus!!! But were going bowling 2moro night (23rd) and then we'll go back to my house and ill cook some dinner and maybe watch a film. What shall i do if she trys it on?....
Also i asked her on the phone earlier what shes doing on saturday night and dropped a hint if she new any good films she would like to see that i could rent...i really want to spend saturday evening with her, i dont expect her to stay, not at all but to just get a chineese or sumin and a movie and just have a nice evening. How can i go about asking her if she would?...
It would have to be in the evening cos i got big brother auditions in the day!
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 February 2006):
I doubt shes messin with your head just to get the money owed. It would be possible to get that without all that. I dont see any purpose to her messin with your emotions like this and to be blunt if she is she isnt the girl you think she is. What you have said on here just suggests shes confused and hurt.
The ex-thing would explain her confusion even more. Maybe she knows you are not him but the memory of the pain her ex-caused her is probably resurfacing (i am assuming her ex cheated in some way) and she is scared of that again. Its not you that shes trying to get away from; its the pain and the memory of that pain. It seems like her feelings for you are very much still there.
To be honest I think the only way you can win her trust back is take your time with it and constantly reaffirm how you feel in little ways as much as big ways. Show you care about her; you dont have to spend money. Burn a cd of her fave songs for example, something personal and from the heart. Keep going out and having a good time. By doing so you are reminding her of what you had together. Hopefully in time you will be able to ask her to recommit again and what you are going through now will prove to be a blip.
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reader, Andy J +, writes (22 February 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThere's one bit i forgot to tell you Dazz and that is we went to Spain together and with her mum and dad for new year. Her dad paid for the lot because he's kinda loaded (the house cars etc). And i still owe her dad £100 for the holiday and cant give it to him until next Tuesday. So maybe all of this head f**king is becasue she wants to lead me on until i've paid her dad then maybe just f**k me over? and blank me?What do you think are the chances of that?...Also just a bit more advice! How exactly do i prove to her that she can trust me and start to rebuild the trust factor becasue her x lyed to her as-well so its going to be even harder i think...But surely she wouldnt be that horrible and say things like she wants me to keep her warm in bed and at the end of a txt say she loves me if she didnt have any feelings for me. Another problem is sometimes i start to trip about her and someone else like whats she doing, whos she with etc, this also doesnt help my state of mind, i need to find reasurance somewhere that she aint guna do that or that she hasnt been....Andy
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (22 February 2006):
It's good you can still talk like that - it is a good sign for the future. From what you are saying it seems like she didn't really want to end the relationship. If she is still going out with you and saying these things, and it seems to me she wouldn't lead you on for she has no reason to, then it seems that her feelings for you have not vanished.
The problem with being caught lying, even if it isn't directly related to the relationship is it undermines trust in everything. Your task is to work to restore that trust. I think she most likely knows you care for her; its the trust that you need to work to restore while reminding her constantly of how you feel and the happiness you had together. Hope that helps.
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reader, Andy J +, writes (22 February 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply's people especially `Dazzerg`. U've got it spot on with her mum influencing her cos i no she has she told me on the phone.She said to me the other day that she wants me to get over her and doesnt want me fighting for a lost cause etc and that she doesnt want / mean to lead me on at all. But we were txting last night and having abit of a flirt on the phone when were both in bed (obviously not 2gether).But we were talking about a thing that we never did but we should of done (involving strawberrys and cream lol) and she said yea sounds good. Then she said "ha ha ha, c i told you you were a charmer, i wouldnt mind you being here to keep me warm tonight...its pretty chilly" (Milton Keynes isnt exactly Spain)!Then in the last txt she wrote "Anyways i spose i beta go to sleep now and so should u u gotta be up at 5. LOVE YA xxx"Now...is it me taking these little but strong things the wrong way...or is she leading me on...or is she doing it just so i feel more and more shity, and grovel abit more?...or is it because i still owe her dad £100 and so shes just doing it until i pay her dad next week and so shes leading me on until i do, then shes just going to blank me?...I dont want to ask her cos i think it'll push her away even more than she is now.Also i've been advised to give her space etc and not txt her 2 much but i didnt at all yesterday it was all her?...Help!
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reader, Andy J +, writes (22 February 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply's people especially `Dazzerg`. U've got it spot on with her mum influencing her cos i no she has she told me on the phone.She said to me the other day that she wants me to get over her and doesnt want me fighting for a lost cause etc and that she doesnt want / mean to lead me on at all. But we were txting last night and having abit of a flirt on the phone when were both in bed (obviously not 2gether).But we were talking about a thing that we never did but we should of done (involving strawberrys and cream lol) and she said yea sounds good. Then she said "ha ha ha, c i told you you were a charmer, i wouldnt mind you being here to keep me warm tonight...its pretty chilly" (Milton Keynes isnt exactly Spain)!Then in the last txt she wrote "Anyways i spose i beta go to sleep now and so should u u gotta be up at 5. LOVE YA xxx"Now...is it me taking these little but strong things the wrong way...or is she leading me on...or is she doing it just so i feel more and more shity, and grovel abit more?...or is it because i still owe her dad £100 and so shes just doing it until i pay her dad next week and so shes leading me on until i do, then shes just going to blank me?...I dont want to ask her cos i think it'll push her away even more than she is now.Also i've been advised to give her space etc and not txt her 2 much but i didnt at all yesterday it was all her?...Help!
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reader, Andy J +, writes (22 February 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply's people especially `Dazzerg`. U've got it spot on with her mum influencing her cos i no she has she told me on the phone.She said to me the other day that she wants me to get over her and doesnt want me fighting for a lost cause etc and that she doesnt want / mean to lead me on at all. But we were txting last night and having abit of a flirt on the phone when were both in bed (obviously not 2gether).But we were talking about a thing that we never did but we should of done (involving strawberrys and cream lol) and she said yea sounds good. Then she said "ha ha ha, c i told you you were a charmer, i wouldnt mind you being here to keep me warm tonight...its pretty chilly" (Milton Keynes isnt exactly Spain)!Then in the last txt she wrote "Anyways i spose i beta go to sleep now and so should u u gotta be up at 5. LOVE YA xxx"Now...is it me taking these little but strong things the wrong way...or is she leading me on...or is she doing it just so i feel more and more shity, and grovel abit more?...or is it because i still owe her dad £100 and so shes just doing it until i pay her dad next week and so shes leading me on until i do, then shes just going to blank me?...I dont want to ask her cos i think it'll push her away even more than she is now.Also i've been advised to give her space etc and not txt her 2 much but i didnt at all yesterday it was all her?...Help!
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reader, Andy J +, writes (22 February 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the reply's people especially `Dazzerg`. U've got it spot on with her mum influencing her cos i no she has she told me on the phone.She said to me the other day that she wants me to get over her and doesnt want me fighting for a lost cause etc and that she doesnt want / mean to lead me on at all. But we were txting last night and having abit of a flirt on the phone when were both in bed (obviously not 2gether).But we were talking about a thing that we never did but we should of done (involving strawberrys and cream lol) and she said yea sounds good. Then she said "ha ha ha, c i told you you were a charmer, i wouldnt mind you being here to keep me warm tonight...its pretty chilly" (Milton Keynes isnt exactly Spain)!Then in the last txt she wrote "Anyways i spose i beta go to sleep now and so should u u gotta be up at 5. LOVE YA xxx"Now...is it me taking these little but strong things the wrong way...or is she leading me on...or is she doing it just so i feel more and more shity, and grovel abit more?...Help!
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reader, Andy J +, writes (22 February 2006):
Andy J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks people for your reply's. Especially `Dazzerg`. I've taken in what you said and i am starting to understand it abit easier now i think. But last night (21st Feb 06) we were talking just by txting and somehow we got on the conversation of we should of used stawberrys and cream together lol! and what we were up to in bed. She said things like yea sound good (the cream etc). But what im still trying to work out is she said things to me like: I could do with you here tonight to hold me tight and keep me warm (Milton Keynes isnt exactly Spain)! its freezing. And then in the last txt she said..Ok have a good sleep and guess i should go to sleep to LOVE YA B -(dont want to say her name B)!So is it just me taking these small things the wrong way...or is it her leading me on (she said last week that she doesnt want to lead me on and not to fight for a lost cause)...or is she just making work to get her back and maybe shes doing this just to see how much i care. I dont know! AAARRRRGGGHHH.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): Focus on making yourself a better person. It'll either bring her back to you or attract an amazing new someone, and whatever the outcome you'll feel good about being a better person. You can't change her mind, and you shouldn't want to. Be true to yourself and focus on who that is. Time will tell whether her feelings for you are strong enough to draw her back or not. Trust in the fact that, if you guys are meant to be, those feelings will pull her back to you. If they don't, it means there's someone else.For now, go rent some movies and do your best to numb your mind as much as possible. At first, it will be too hard not to think about her. You want to be able to just not think about anything. After a little bit of time, you'll be able to go out and do things to distract yourself from thinking about her. But don't be too hard on yourself - expect it to take a long time.
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reader, Dazzerg +, writes (21 February 2006):
Ok,you need to take a deep breath here. You have lost a part of you in her but you have other aspects of your life that endure and are still there. Your friends, your family and crucially your unwritten future. It may look a little bleaker without her but you also have to bear in mind that she has not totally gone from your life either.
It seems to me that she is very confused about things at the moment. It's also possible that her parents have influenced her. She was right about this thing taking time and the fact that you will both need time to recover from what has happened and re-establish trust. To me, reading this it seems the last thing on her mind is somebody else and so that is something that you do not need to worry about.
You have to work at winning back her trust. I am going to be honest. Sitting here at a computer screen i can offer you no gurantees about your future; if you will ever be back together. But neither, at this stage, can it be ruled out that you wont get back together.
I can tell from reading this she is a very special person. Is she not worth a fight? Suicide would be giving in on that fight. Give her space and time. Play a long-ball game. Set yourself the goal of winning her back and if you cant do that then doing everything you can to make her happy. Meanwhile look at other aspects of your life. Focus on what is good in it. Develop that. Take care.
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