A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I will make this simple short and sweet. My wife lied to me about her sexual past and was not honest about it. She had made herrself sound innocent and I knew she wasn't a virgin when we met. Being dumb and naïve I didn't press the issue further. A situation came up again later in life and we were forced to discuss it.We have been married for nine years and we have one kid. We have never fought about anything before thisOf course I was angry and upset at this news and I lashed out at her. I realize that I acted immature and not the most supportive husband possible. I was more upset at the lying than the sexual past but putting both those together is really bad. So for my sanity and well-being of the family I apologized.I also forgive her for what she did even though she didn't feel remorseful about the lying or her past. The problem I'm having is now I'm very numb inside and I feel like I have changed into a worse person. I feel like something is lost and things have changed. I am definitely more flirty with women and girls and I fear that I might do something to jeopordize the relationship.I want to know if any men or women have done the same thing and feel the way that I do? What I'm really trying to figure out is when something like this happens is the relationship changed in your opinions? Has anybody cheated on their girlfriend or wife in a situation like this.I know the person is the same the marriage is the same but something just doesn't feel right anymore.
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female
reader, JeJe A'iru  +, writes (13 May 2015):
 Hello,I'll begin by saying what you are feeling is valid and I understand what you are experiencing. Hopefully, I'd just like to know that what you are going through does not imply the end of your marriage.. breathe. Dont be to quick to predict the end of your marriage based on the fact that you're traveling through a rough patch on your journey to forever. I may seem brutally honest with you but rest assured, my only intent is to encourage you to rethink things...gain a fresh perspective..and work out the indifferences in your marriage. I will not sugar coat anything..I hope my response is well received and beneficial. First, we all have a yestersday, and if the truth be told, at least some of those yesterdays we'd like to forget lol. But there is not one person without blemish, that includes you also. You were aware that your wife was not a virgin, and you chose to marry her anyway. Your decision had less to do with naivety and doubts and much more to do with matters of tbe heart. But while you are charging your wife for withholding information, you too have done the same. You werent any more forthcoming about your feelings of doubt than she was about her past encounters. Isnt that "the pot calling the kettle black?" You must own your contribution to feelings of resentment. Certainly you've had as equal an opportunity to address your doubts and concerns..but my guess is you didnt want to be the one to stir that pot...and now that it's boiled over the issue must be addressed in its entirety. which means you must come clean about your thoughts..and also the fact that you have held this for quite some time. Dont tranfer responsibility and look for reasons that will justify your wandering eye. Be the pillar of strength for both you and your wife and be committed to communicating in truth and in LOVE about those issues that are causing the divide. It takes two to tango and she will have to be committed to doing the same. I'm a firm believer that "not knowing" can be tormenting...but avoidance can lead to deterioration and destruction. You married for better or worse..and that takes work...Chuck the blame game and finger pointing. Dont just talk.. listen to one another..respect one another's opinions, and do not argue about what you feel. Feelings are not right or wrong, they're just yours'. You should be able to share them without fear of judgement. I want to challenge you to turn over a new leaf..take the lead..You go first and steer your marriage back to recovery. Fret not..As we journey through life sometimes we have to go through to get to that silver lining. #BeEncouraged ?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): Your wife probably didn't tell you at first because maybe she did have some shame around it. Maybe she feels like that the people she has slept with prior to meeting you isn't really any of your business, it's between her and the people she has slept with. Maybe she didn't want you to judge her on the amount of people she had slept with because it doesn't change the person she is, the person you fell in love with. Maybe it was a period of time in her life that she was going through a rough time in life trying to figure out who she is. You can't punish her for things she did before She knew you even existed. And I know your saying its about the lying but I get the feeling it's also to do with the amount of other men that have been intimate with your wife, It was a long time ago, I hope you don't let it ruin what you have admitted to being a happy marriage
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2015): Good point never heard that before. The glass half full versus empty. Thank you for that. I think what you said makes absolute sense. I believe it might be the insight I need to help me in my situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015):
OP, I can understand that it is the lie that hurts the most.
All I can say is that she lied because she thought it would improve her chances with you.
That is pathetic, but maybe it also makes you feel better that she wanted so desperately to be with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2015): So I am the original poster of this question. I want to thank everybody for their comments and suggestions. I want to clarify one thing. While my wife and I were dating, she had told me during a particular period of time that she did not see anybody,date anybody and really talk to any guys. Low and behold 9 years later that I found out that she was dating many guys and having sex with them. So the lie is not the numbers the lie was the fact that she hid this period of time from me. Again there were many comments wondering what she did and that is exactly what she did. The problem that I have is not the sex with the guys as much is the lie. The lie was said at a time when we were dating and getting to learn each other. You take that for 10 years and you wonder what else she lied about.so I can get a grip on reality and I know that people have sex with people. I can't get a grip with the fact that she lied and hit something from me that if it was told back then I would be able to deal with no problem. So my feelings of anger came from the live more than the sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2015): i can understand the place you are coming from. i have been married 30 years now, the only thing i knew was my wife was not a virgin when we married, and the number of guys. the thing that hurts me is she will not disclose information i would like to know, and her story changed over the years. she has been remorseful, and has shame but will not in places i need to be, it hurts. people telling you to get over it , get a grip is not helping things one bit. time does not heal either. your wife is in the wrong not you. she covered her tracks and kept things a secret and hidden to get what she wanted. she is not remorseful of the past. she has lied to you to keep the past buried. anger and hurt is a normal emotion to fell, i have been married all this time and it still hurts. you flirting, or willing to jump over the fence to the greener grass will not get vengeance or stop the hurt, or anger , but cause you to have guilt. you feel the way you do because you care for her, and love her. you feel hurt is the reason you feel anger.maybe even anger at guys that used her that you can't even put a face on them. you may even go into some depression. i know i felt all of these things over my wife. you are with her because you love her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2015):
If I may ask:
What is this horrible thing she lied about?
To me the answer depends on the situation. If she had been a whore when she said she was a virgin that's quite different than if she said she had two partners previously but actually had three.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): "Not telling you sooner was done to spare your pain" No, it was NOT! It was done to get her something (someone) she wanted. She did not make the sacrifices to earn it, so she stole it with lies. Giving these lies a bunch of altruistic excuses is bullshit. Its not fair to those people who end up suffering over it. You might lie to your spouse of many years about your past to spare them pain. But that is not why you lie to someone you just started dating when you find out you are not compatible. That kind of lie is just SELFISH and IMMORAL. A promiscuous sexual history is an ongoing habit that you choose for yourself. Repeatedly. It's not some bad stroke of luck that befalls you. You don't have the right to lie about it just because you regret it later.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2015): I do understand how you feel. Sometimes a secret(s) from the past can really shock a current partner. You need time to digest her past which - because you just learned of it-- seems very much present to you. However, remember for your partner these are mistakes in the far past. She has not cheated on you or betrayed you during your time together. Not telling you sooner was done to spare you pain. Hiding it might not have been the wisest choice, but she probably has shame (whether she admits it or not) and also wanted to spare you. You need to give this lots of time, thought and maybe counselling. You need to stop flirting with other women- the pain and shock you feel will cause you to act rashly. If you truly cannot accept her past when all is said and done, you both need to see a counsellor and talk about separating.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): ask yourself, if you had known this fact before marrying her would it have stopped you from marrying her? if your answer is yes then you have every right to be angry,if your answer is no then stop grumbling and get on with your life.As for flirting with others, believe me all married people flirt men or women, but only a few take it further than that.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque232 +, writes (15 February 2015):
 dude get a grip! youve been married almost 10 years and you have a kid by her. youve been happy till you found out this info. it sounds to me like youre looking for an excuse to cheat.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (15 February 2015):
 Alright, ow some may feel your"pain" and attempt to cosole you but that's not me. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. life does not come without ups and downs. Try to get over yourself. and like the song says; love the one you're with. You don't get 'do-overs' in this life. grow a pair and get on with life. sorry if that's harsh t it's the truth.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): The relationship is definitely changed. You have found out you are not married to the same person as you thought. Not exactly. You thought you were married to someone with different morals and more honesty.
Some people will reject the idea that she is a different person. But nobody else, including your wife, gets to decide what made you fall for her and what should matter to you. Her phony sexual history factored into it. It did matter to you. She always knew it mattered or else she wouldn't have lied in the first place.
Don't let anyone tell you that it's your problem to deal with this now. You should try as best you can for the sake of your kids. But you don't owe your wife any favors here. She has inflicted a whole lot of negative emotions on you. You can't turn them off. That is not how emotions work. You cannot fight emotions with logic.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (15 February 2015):
 The answers to this are here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-have-resentful-feelings-for-my-wife-lying.html :)
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