A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear friend it's me again asking for our help. My question is dear is it possible leave with somebody for three stright years and don't love this person. I just don't understand why because me n my boy friend live all this time together, n he still doesn't know what love is. He do what can to protect me to help me but he cannot control him self he doesn't want take me out with him. Its seems like out of out place for his friend he is single. Just our closer friends n our family know that we are boy friend n girl friend. How come he said i'm special i'm perfect for him n wants me with him n then he sleep with another girl on V-day n keep replying this girl. I don't understand why. Why I keep loving him so bad that I can't leave him. I just wish I can be happy but I don't know what to do with him. I don't know what to do about my life I'm feeling really lost. Because I love him but I'm tierd to try to make things work with us I'm tierd to see him texting talking with other girl that I know they don't know about me. I know they think his single. He knows what his doing to me is wrong but he said try to stop but sometimes he can't stop him self. Dear friend sometimes I think maybe I need some different kind of help cuz why I love him so much n can't leave him. Why I'm so scare to leave him why I'm scare to try. Dear friend please I still need your help. Please tell me what I have to do cuz I don't know which way its better for me to take to make me happy.
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female
reader, salvadda  +, writes (5 March 2009):
 Dear Friend I have made letter longer than usual for you. I have gone into more detail than usual. You letter touched/moved me and I felt your pain thus the reason for making it very long. I hope you will read it all, *a few times over* if you have too. I wrote it with my heart and mind set on you.
Dear Friend, you are not alone..*hugs* There is nothing wrong with you if that's is what you fear. Sometimes in a relationship things go wrong, and this where you are now in a wrong place. You have answered one of your own questions *why you can't leave him* because you said you still love him. Love is a very strong force, and it at times makes people very helpless, so please don't feel bad about yourself. I'm sure your b/f is very well aware of the love you have for him and makes him see how weak you are for him.
I am sorry to say *my opinion* I feel your b/f is taking you for granted. I can't not tell you whether he loves you or not because I don't know him how he thinks or feels. By this I mean some relationships can become quite complicated. We *people* are diverse creatures. Love can mean and be many different things to people. I can tell you that your b/f is not treating right, not respecting, as you should be, and by what I read in your letter is hurting very much..which dear friend I understand your pain.
Why you don't leave may be the very same reason why he is still with you. Im some relationships ppl become codependent. Let me try to explain it to you. There are some relationships in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who brings an unhealthy structure to the relationship. Some ppl think this only pertains to self-detructive behaviors such as drugs, alcohol, ect. this is not always true. It can also beome a physicological codependence. This makes it harder for you to leave, combined with the love you still feel for him.
It also seems to me that he is having his cake and eating it too. He seems to be leading a double life, as u said the other woman doesn't know about you, and btw if he knows you know about this other girl he *does* know it hurts you. Dear friend you don't deserve this. He will take you to visit *your close friends/family* because that is the stable part of what he thinks his life is. When he sees/texts this other girl that is the other part of his life where he sees himself as a *bachelor* so to speak.
Dear friend this is his problem of which he is efflicting you with, and it is very toxic/unhealthy for you/anyone to be in. Trust me it will only get worse. I say this not to hurt you, but to help you.
I can give you something to think about, and the choices will be yours. Next time you go to the your doctor ask him/her if they can recommend you to a profession to speak with and help you sort out all the questions you have ask in your letter. If you feel you might have trouble speaking in person to someone bring the letter you wrote in here to help you remember what you need to say to this person. Trust this person, be honest, and listen to what this person has to say. Most important of all don't feel ashamed/bad about urself it is not your fault. I guarantee that you are not the only person in this situation.
In the meantime, I don't know if you have family, or are close to anyone you can trust*your mother, sister, or a close friens* Talk to someone, stay intouch, and don't isolate yourself. It will help you release some stress and frustration you are feeling. Most important of all don't tell your b/f about this, for no other reason that staying safe. You don't want a comfortation which you can't handle, and don't know how he will react. You must look after yourself first.
Dear friend I will pray for you and hope you do what you need to do. Good luck, my thougts are and prayers are with you...*hugs*
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