A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My situation is this. I am 30 and have been in a long distance (5000 miles) relationship with a woman about same age as myself for the last 6 months or so. We are very much in love and have been since the first date. Over the last couple of weeks I have been in a downward spiral over some issues that have arisen and been building up since our relationship began. First up is the ex’s issue, she is in regular contact with at least two maybe more of her ex’s with which she is now friends, this is phone contact only as for as I know, not really a problem but irks me a little that she talks to them a lot more than me. This wasn’t initially a problem as she tries not to refer to them to much, but gives me a hard time when I get annoyed that she tells stories about their time together, too soon in my opinion. The problems I am unfortunately having stem more from our physical relationship, which started poorly. Our first time together was after a few late nights together not much sleep and me in a different timezone, after 4 hours of fantastic foreplay I was just too fatigued to get the old chap to stand to attention for the much anticipated final act. We tried again following night but with the same problem compounded with a great deal of pressure to perform (she is really HOT, much more so than any other girl I dated). This completely shook my confidence with regards to intimacy something I have not had a problem with since late teens. Anyway, she was obviously disappointed but said she understood and it wasn’t a problem, it would be great when it happened. Not the best start.So I fly back to the UK and the long distance bit comes in to play. Goes very well, we are both intelligent patient and fairly independent people. But as the intimate conversations progress and I tell her about my feelings of inadequacy and shaken confidence due to those first nights and for some stupid reason I let her know that I am not that experienced and that I am not too well hung (doh!). She proceeds to tell me that its not a problem and tells me about some of her greatest lovers and best sex has been with guys who made the most of what they have. She mentions the incredible Karma Sutra ex, the incredible tease and torture ex and that she has really had ‘too much sex’, what the f*** does that mean?Anyway she implies that she has had plenty of experience and quite a few lovers, this does not help my confidence one bit. But she says these things to try to console me and means well, that as long as you are willing and not a misogynistic git that things will be fine.I go back to USA and we spend four weeks together. The time we spend together is fantastic and really cements the relationship thus far and all is well – except in the bedroom. The sex is happening, but even though she attempts to seem satisfied it is painfully obvious that she is quite disappointed. The girl knows what she likes and told me straight away – a very difficult, almost gymnastic like position that I barely managed and couldn’t sustain long enough to even get her started. She tells me its great. Various other things happen, I do my best – never had a problem getting a girl off before (the big O) – but I don’t do it for her. Yet she says its great. I try not to worry about it and enjoy our time together, then its back to the UK. Now a couple of months on and after a few exchanges during the first couple of weeks back there is almost no intimate (erotic) exchanges at all. I start to worry about this and proceed to do a very stupid thing and ask her to be honest with me about us regarding sex. After this fairly long exchange of honesty the following has come to light. She tries to tactfully tell me the sex is good – but will get much better with LOTS of practice. It has always taken practice with ex’s to reach fantastic ‘O’ sex. Hmm. So obviously it was not too good for her then, nowhere near what she is used to. I again rather stupidly ask if the ‘toolbox’ was the problem to which I receive the answer “that’s fine” “you are not too small”. Which roughly translated means she thinks I have a below average sized penis. Which is very worrying as statistically I am larger than average. This implies that that I am one of the smaller ones she has had, so she has either been a very lucky girl or only seeks out the ‘big ones’. Incidentally the positions she has me doing are all the ‘maximum depth’ positions . . . so my, by now, totally paranoid brain is thinking that as an experienced girl with more than a few hung partners likes to be stimulated in the regions I cannot go (cul-de-sac orgasms?) and I will never be able to take her to the sexual peaks her past lovers have (probably the ones she is mates with and chats to regularly). Now I feel I have way too much information and cannot stop thinking about his stuff.It is absolutely killing me that this is happening with this beautiful woman I love. She does not seem too bothered when we speak, but having aired my insecurities over this she just tells me to get over it and that its not her problem, yet still wants me to come over in a couple months. Has anyone else had similar experiences of the physical side not working out to start with? Did you manage to get past it? Should I be worried about her sexual past? (I KNOW it’s the past and am aware that any experienced girl of that age has probably had at least one guy who was incredible in bed and hung like a horse, but doesn’t make it any easier). How do I deal with this? Once you have had these experiences do you find you can have a completely fulfilling relationship with someone not quite as good?
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confidence, foreplay, her ex, her past, insecure, long distance, orgasm, sexual past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, emad khan  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 hey! Check out Margot Anands line of books. This will Blow her away!!! Especially Orgasmic Exctasy.... Don´t get all freaked out- though i totally understand where you´re coming from. unfortunately insecurity is not very sexy... really get profound on your knowledge of sex. I was just thinking today, that we all have the capacity to achieve some level in whatever we do...the arts, computers, etc...we tend to think that being a great lover is natural...well its not. you have to work at it, and like any great art, it takes time. Go easy on yourself man.. tantra, for example is believed to take many years, possibly life times to get good at. Start now... and have fun. Truth is...while, obviously women play there role in the sex act, being HOT is not really sufficient in bringing our soldier to attention... women are on the recieving end too often, and really need (in my opinion) to know what makes us tick as well...tell her what really turns you on too..
One thing that significantly helped me was bringing my women to near orgasm, and maintaining this state, indeed building the orgasm in steps for a good amount of time. This REALLY turned me on, and she was able to have multiple orgasms for a good amount of time, through penetration aswell.
Anyway, good luck with the cul de sac, idea...not alot of women like it when you touch the cervix area... but I have much to learn still about that aspect so...
hope that helps....you´ll be fine!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSmiles, thank you for your response also. That this has happened to someone else and ended negatively is useful building block for me to work off to sort this out. Learn from others mistakes to prevent your own yada yada. We are going to have a big talk in the morning while communication is at its clearest (we have mobile phone signal problems etc due to both our locations).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear you Collaroy, being blunt is fine. If I knew why I had these 'insecurities' pretty sure I wouldn't be airing them on the internet. I just needed an external perspective. Confused? No. Please read more carefully there was no confusion in my statements. I only mentioned the size thing so that she would be pleasantly surprised when we got down to it, talk about backfires!! The performance was an isolated incident at the start with genuine causes, pretty sure I mentioned that, so no I do not need medical help. I haven't once outright asked her about sexual past, the unwanted info was originally volunteered, believe me I did not want to know. As far as I am concerned the past is where it should stay, but it hasn't in this case. You are right in that I would regret losing this girl, she is pretty special. My issue is that I want to be the best for her, to give her the best of everything, but in certain areas it is looking increasing likely that I won't be able to and that is proving difficult to accept.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): I totally agree with "Collaray"; you need to get help; you are making yourself miserable and you are going to ruin this relationship due to your own insecurities;
A friend on my was dating a guy for about a year; very similar situation to what you have described; after a year, she quit; saying, "sorry we are just not SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE".
I suggest you stop worrying about her past; but do something about your future!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2008): I totally agree with "Collaray"; you need to get help; you are making yourself miserable and you are going to ruin this relationship due to your own insecurities;
A friend on my was dating a guy for about a year; very similar situation to what you have described; after a year, she quit; saying, "sorry we are just not SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE".
I suggest you stop worrying about her past; but do soething about your future!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (7 July 2008):
 Hi,
good grief mate. You are bringing all this drama on yourself. Sorry to be blunt, as it must be daunting trying to live up to what you think are her sexual expectations.
But they are all in your head, if she was unhappy she would've dumped you ages ago.
You are aware that you are bringing these insecurities on , yet you still do it. Ask yourself why? Why do this to yourself, torture yourself like this, you must know that at some stage she is going to throw up her arms and say "lets just forget it, I don't need this in my life".
Assuming that she has had a wealth of well hung partners is the best example of where your mind is at the moment. In fact you told her that you weren't very well hung, then next paragraph you say you are bigger than average.
You just sound very confused, if you want her to stay in your life you are going to have to start sorting yourself out. I think your performance is down to your lack of self confidence but if may also be medical, so maybe a talk to a doctor will help.
But you keep asking her about her sexual past and because she is a good looking liberated women she tells you, thinking you are not one of these pathetic little boys who cry over their lovers past: but that is exactly where you are at the moment.
I dont mean to be rude, but unless you sort yourself out , you will regret losing this girl for a long time if she slips through your hands ( and lets face it ,how long is she going to put up with this), and then where will you be?
Seek help mate, you need it.
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