A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3.5 years, during which time I have been enrolled in a rigorous PhD program. I am 5’8 and when he met me, I weighed 155 lbs. A year ago he told me he hadn’t been attracted to me for about 6 months. He had been hinting and making little jokes about my appearance, but I thought it was in jest. It apparently was not. During that time, our sex life was pretty normal – not as frequent as I would have liked, but normal. When he told me he was not attracted to me, I weighed 170 lbs. After that conversation, I started walking a lot and lost a bit of weight, but gained it back when school started again, three months later. I found it difficult to balance school, work, a boyfriend, and exercise. I didn’t even have the time or desire to see friends. At the end of the semester, when asking what he wanted for Christmas, my boyfriend said he wanted me to 1) start cooking and eating healthy; 2) start exercising; and 3) start hanging out with friends (to make me a more valuable mate, I suppose). In January (a few months ago), I started doing each and every one of those things. I have lost 6-8 lbs. so far, which is not a lot, but I am trying to make a lifestyle change – not just lose weight as quickly as possible (I have done that before, and it never ends well…I gain all the weight back plus more). Therefore, progress is slow, but I have definitely been making progress. The problem is that my boyfriend stopped having sex with me several months ago. I tried to initiate sex multiple times a week for a few months until I finally gave up, and for the last few months, I haven’t even tried. Last week I finally attempted to initiate once more, but got rejected again, so I asked why we weren’t having sex. He cited the weight issue. I noted that I had been doing everything he asked me to do. In a very snotty tone, he said, “I guess I’m just waiting to see results.” He also told me that he had been trying to get me to lose weight for 3.5 years…which I think he said to be manipulative, because for the first two years of our relationship, he would just stare at me and tell me how pretty I was all the time. I don't know what to do at this point. I find that I resent him so much that I am falling out of love with him. I know my body isn’t ideal at this point, but at the same time, I don’t look bad enough for a guy to keep turning down sex with me…or so I think. And I find it especially upsetting since I have been doing everything he asked for. How should I interpret all of this? What should I say? What should I do? How do I approach a conversation? (Keep in mind that he can be very condescending, manipulative, and critical.)
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female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (26 April 2016):
 The one thing I haven't seen mentioned yet is the fact that he could be very aware that now that you are close to achieving your academic goals and moving up career wise that you will suddenly wake up and realize that you could do so much better than him. This makes many shallow and insecure type men feel threatened.and as we all know, insert sarcasm, it's easier to tear others down than work on bettering one own self....By any chance have you already or potentially surpassed him in education and/or salary? If so then I think babe you just may have found the answer to your question...
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 April 2016):
 I would be betting that he is cheating on you, and criticizing you to throw you off the scent. He's been not having sex, but I guarantee that he is getting it somewhere else. It very well may be a porn addiction, in which case he can't become aroused to a normal body because he's gotten used to the quick silicone bombshell images, but he's getting off on other women, either directly physically or imagewise.
You need to lose about 200 pounds of dead weight in the form of HIM. No if's, and's or but's.
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A
female
reader, wrathykins  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 Well what a lovely person your boyfriend is! I cannot believe he would even have the audacity to mention anything to do with your weight.
He doesn't love you. If he did, then it wouldn't matter what size you are. Get rid of him and find someone who loves you, for you. Never let anyone try and control who you are, appearance or otherwise.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 What a gem of a person!
Anyway, OP I was in a very rigorous PhD programme myself so I know exactly where you're coming from. A PhD can be draining at every level, so its important that you keep fit and healthy because that also affects the quality of your work BUT, and a very big but, its extremely important that you do that for yourself and not for a snarky, manipulative boyfriend who constantly makes you feel bad about yourself. To be honest, 155 pounds at 5'8" is not that much...your height wouldn't make it look as much as it would on someone shorter. Its one thing to want to lose a bit of weight to be healthy but to be criticized about it is a whole another thing.
Why are you putting up with this degrading nonsense? Why are you allowing someone so manipulative and critical to decide your worth? I'm all for healthy living but if someone who's your significant other constantly makes you feel like you have no self-worth, how is this relationship going to sustain? And why should you even put up with it?
As Honeypie said, what when you get pregnant and pile on weight which is hard to shed? What's he going to do then? He's already withholding sex as punishment, so what's next?
OP the last thing that women need in their lives is to be expected to look like a supermodel, after everything else that they do. As long as you're fit and healthy, you don't need to feel bad about yourself. He's waiting to see results? Tell this man that you have also "waited" to see results that he would change into a better person and that hasn't happened in 3.5 years so you have no option but to dump him.
Believe me, you'll be much better off without him. Once you're free from all the stress and negativity, you'll automatically lose weight because you'll cut down on the stress-eating. Whatever you do and however you look, should be for YOU. Not some idiot who thinks he's God's gift to women.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 April 2016):
 I would seriously take some time to consider if this is the guy for you. I get that 15 lbs can change someone's looks a little, but what would happen when you two decide to have children and you gain 30-70 lbs? And don't lose them asap?
I will not call him shallow, because I get that he has a type, but... 15 lbs heavier is a total deal breaker for him? That I find a bit odd. Because at 155 lbs you weren't exactly skinny (no offense) and at 170 you aren't THAT much heavier.
Personally, I would not want to be with a man who is THIS "demanding" when it comes to MY body and MY looks. OK I could understand if he wanted to make sure you were healthy and happy but it seems like he expects you to lose the weight NOT for your happiness, but because of HIS vanity. He doesn't want to be dating a girl who doesn't live up to HIS standards of beauty, so what he is saying is that YOU, your personality, your sense of humor, the way you love him, the way that is UNIQUELY you is not as important as YOU having a certain weight.
I gained 70 lbs with baby #2. It was a horrid pregnancy, with quite a few complications and me ending up on bed-rest. It took me over 3 years to get rid of the excess weight, and in those 4 years I was even pregnant with #3.
WHAT your BF is doing is making YOU feel bad about yourself. How is that a good thing? Ever? He is also punishing you for not loosing weight as fast as HE wanted to you, by withholding sex and affection.
I'm sorry, I would be done with this man. You are otherwise going to live your life on eggshells where you are "afraid" to gain a few lbs or not look like HE wants you too.
That is no way to live. And I guarantee he is no Adonis of perfection.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2016):
 Oh for heaven’s sake, if he’s been trying to get you to lose weight for 3.5 years which is the entire time you’ve been dating, and he’s only just admitted that? *eyeroll* Why did he start dating you in the first place? He’s being what you identified as manipulative, condescending and critical.
Just end the relationship, lose the dead weight aka your boyfriend. As long as you keep yourself healthy you’ll find a guy who appreciates you the way you are.
Your body may not be “ideal” but that does not mean that you aren’t loveable or sexy.
“hey babe, while I’m not at your idea of my ideal weight, I’m where I am, and have been within 20 lbs since we’ve been dating. I’ve been trying to make our sex life work and as it hasn’t been viable for the past few months, I think it’s time to say goodbye. I hope you find what you are looking for and I hope you will wish the same for me.
“Oh and we already had the convo about how what you wanted for Christmas. I’ve been losing weight. I would cook more if I had some time. I’m in the middle of my PhD, and working.
“I’m where I am and if that’s not good enough for you, well, whatever, I’m done. I’m moving on. I hope you find what you are looking for. Bye bye.”
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (25 April 2016):
 There are a few possibilities. He has been having sexual problems and blaming it on your weight gain. Or he is a narcissist who enjoys controlling people and making them feel inadequate.
I will just tell it how it is. That you fell out of love for him and will be starting the detachment process. Well basically the start of a break up. I don't know who he is, to think he needs a perfect girlfriend. If you look deep into marriages of Kim Kardashian and Megan Fox, you can see how much pressure they are in to keep looking sexy, to make sure their husbands won't leave them or cheat on them. Not an enjoyable thing at all.
It's definitely possible to lose all 15 pounds. My brother did, just eating vegetables. He ate a lot too. Then you go lose your boyfriend weight.
If your boyfriend is not the emotionally torturing type, he could just be checking out of the relationship and didn't want to be the bad guy ending it. Usually when sex life dies the relationship dies also. Many moms who had just given birth gain 20 pounds or so, and husbands can't wait to have sex with them. I am sure this is not about the weight issue at all.
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