A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is going to sound bad probably but I need advice or someone's thoughts. I am married, I've been with my husband for a few years. We have had ups and downs like all marriages, though sometimes I wonder if we are suited to be together forever, we dont seem to connect in some aspects of our personality. For example and my biggest problem- I am very emotional and romantic, he is very logical and doesnt have an emotional bone in his body. Things I knew before marriage but thought we had enough in common to make it anyway.I started a new job. While on the job for a few weeks I met another man. Not in a scandalous way, I just met him because he was my trainer. He is not attractive to me at all and not someone I would ever date if I were single or otherwise. Anyway, we had one week of training and it was one on one. We ended up talking a large amount of the time. We really clicked and connected, we are very much alike and want the same things- he is married as well. I found myself excited to see him when I went to work. We exchanged numbers to text about work related issues and I found myself thrilled when he would text. I felt like I was in high school and I really can't describe why. When the week of training was up I was extremely depressed. It felt like it was all over. Now it has since been one week away from him, I haven't seen him at all but have texted some about work and relationship issues on both sides. I find myself upset at work a lot. I genuinely miss this person. I feel as though I have been dumped or going through a break up, everything I see at work reminds me of him. I almost break into tears when I sit at the desk I worked with him at. I feel insane. I feel bored with my husband. I'm questioning my marriage. I'm emotional all the time. I have no idea on earth what is going on with me. And I'm such a loyal person that all of this throws me for a complete loop, I didn't think I'd ever think of another man after I was in a relationship with my husband. And certainly not a man I'm not even remotely attracted to. I question now if I should be married to my husband. If he doesn't satisfy what I consider my needs to be if I should find someone else who does? Even thinking about divorce seems highly unlikely, but I'm so depressed that I would even think of another man and have such strong feelings for someone else. I even think of this other man when I hear romantic songs! Something I have never done with my husband, we just never had the romantic side to our relationship. What should I do? I have hinted to the other man that I missed him and we both danced around the topic of how we get along so well and wish our spouses were more like us but would never actually cheat on either of our spouses. We decided not to text anymore really just to make sure we don't make any mistakes and hurt the ones we love. To be honest I wasn't as strong about it and he took a lot of time and effort to come to that decision, which he then said made him really sad. Though I don't think I'd ever have cheated physically I certainly did emotionally. I would've continued to talk to him because it made me so happy and made me excited. I don't want to hear any crap about me being an awful wife and oh my poor husband. I know it's not the greatest situation but I truthfully can't help how I'm feeling. God I wish I could because it is an awful feeling I can't shake. I want to be happy with my husband and feel happy when I go home, not miss someone else. Someone I most likely wouldn't date even if we both divorced our spouses. I'm not even sure if I am in love with my husband or what I feel towards him :( Please help!And ps I did tell my husband a lot of how I'm feeling, how I feel attached to this man and he already knows my feelings toward lack of emotion and romance. I'm very open with my communication, he just doesn't know how to fix the problems and I don't expect him to know. He thinks I'm just emotional and pretty much ignores a good amount of what I say regarding my feelings.
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female
reader, Luna34 +, writes (12 May 2013):
I know exactly what you are going through. I too have a crush on a male co-worker and although I have too my husband how I feel, we talked openly. This is a natural function in life. People get crushes. We are the only species that stays with a mate for life....or thinks we have to. If you value this gentleman as a friend, keep your friendship and the universe will do what it is supposed to. Some may think me wrong, and immoral, and that is fine....but as long as you are honest and open with all parties involved and honest with yourself, things will unfold naturally. :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2013): "Anyway I am not talking to him."
Hmmm....I wonder why you are having relationship problems then? You at least owe your husband a talk about the follow:
"I feel bored with my husband. I'm questioning my marriage. I'm emotional all the time. I have no idea on earth what is going on with me. And I'm such a loyal person that all of this throws me for a complete loop, I didn't think I'd ever think of another man after I was in a relationship with my husband. And certainly not a man I'm not even remotely attracted to. I question now if I should be married to my husband. If he doesn't satisfy what I consider my needs to be if I should find someone else who does?"
You need to make it very clear to him what you are feeling, and exactly what it is he is or isn't doing to make you feel this way. He's not a mind reader, and you owe him this because you married him. It's silly to think that just because you now have some silly legal/religious title you do not still go on living life as a human. Of course married people get crushes! It's part of being human. It may be better to not tell him about the crush, unless you really did act on it, and cheat. Then he deserves to know everything. Either-way, like any break up, you will not get over this "crush" without cutting him out of your life for a while.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): This is the OP. I didn't realize crushes were common. That is why I was so scared that it meant I was unhappy and should be alone, like I shouldn't have those feelings at all for another man. I will disagree that we can help or control how we feel, we cannot. A child molester may control his actions, but cannot control how he feels towards children. I can stop myself from making the bad decisions but I certainly cannot control my feelings of missing him. If one could control such things then a break up would be a cinch, no? You could just tell yourself you shouldn't feel that way and move on. Yet no one can do that.
Anyway I am not talking to him. I feel a little better knowing it is common. I thought once married you don't feel anything for anyone else again and it had me very confused. I will admit I am quite weak when it comes to emotions. I can stop talking to someone but if they come back apologizing and saying how much they care about me and wish we could talk I'm not strong enough to say no, it's things I want to hear and if I don't get it from my husband then I'll take it from someone else. More things to work on and unsure how.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 March 2013):
 It doesn't matter how emotional you are. No one is beyond learning self-control and emotional discipline. Many people even in happy marriages meet others we feel an attraction or at least strong chemistry for. This is the part when we say to ourselves "Married people are off-limits" and then stop the emotions cold by refusing to nurture them.
Don't blame your husband for a lack of emotions, because he is who he was. Likewise, don't expect him to fix you, because again, it takes responsibility for making good choices away from you. If you can't resolve in yourself never to steal affection from a married man's wife, then you must rectify that weakness inside you. The man is married, and that's all you need to know. He doesn't carry the key to your happiness anyways. You will make your life 100x worse by playing around with emotional affairs.
Not only that, but if you can't be truly honest with your husband and work WITH him to nurture your marriage or end things, then telling him about your attraction towards someone else is worthless and counterproductive. The whole "I can't help how I'm feeling" is a massive cop-out. Everyone can help how they feel. Pedophiles can help not molesting kids. Rapists can help their urges not to rape. Wife beaters can help their tempers by getting help instead of bashing their wife's brains in in a fit of rage. And you can help yourself as well.
If you leave your husband, within a year, you'll start yo-yo-ing back to him because you have no emotional discipline. You're playing with married men because you lack the ability to take responsibility for your actions. You hurt your husband by telling him you're crushing on others. Many people crush on others, but the strong ones stop the feelings cold and remain faithful, mind and soul.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 March 2013):
Considering your husband never misled you going into your marriage, I think you owe him a little more than to break up with him at this point.
Listen. Men aren't mind readers. They aren't even that good at understanding women when they are relatively specific about they're feelings. For many men, your feelings are irrational, so it's not something we just "get".
What you need to do is bite the bullet and have a possibly difficult conversation with your husband and flat out tell him what you want. Tell him how you feel (neglected, bored, etc.) but then tell him how he can change that. Should you have to? Who knows. Do you have to? Obviously! Tell him you want to go on romantic dates, dance, etc. Go to classes (cooking/dance/etc.) together.
Learning is somehow linked to a bonding mechanism in people's brains. So when you learn with your spouse it can strengthen your relationship. Likewise when you learn with other people it can make you bond with them, which is possibly what you're experiencing here.
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A
male
reader, ironman777  +, writes (29 March 2013):
Hi - the burst of romantic feeling you are experiencing is the heady stimulant drugs your body produces when its in the first stages of meeting someone new.... read any book on courtship stages and it outlines exactly the dopamine and other drugs that are produced and their effects. The fact is you have met someone that there seems to be significant chemistry with and what you do from now is up to you really.I would say that since you seem to be receptive towards developing an attraction that your current relationship is in significant trouble - if you wish to carry on with this and be a loyal and trusted partner to your husband you need to go to counselling - but be aware that it only solves the issues in about 30% of the time. The other 60% both partners realise they arent right for each other, or one of the people disengages from the process. Either way the chances of reengagement with him are less than you might think. What ever you do, dont have an affair behind your husbands back, resolve the issues with him first before you seek out someone new.good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): "We have had ups and downs like all marriages"
Classic Dear Cupid red flag: "all" marriages don't have ups and downs; loving, stable, happy marriages have consistent compatibility with any occasional minor disagreements being quickly resolved in an atmosphere of mutual respect and consideration.
"What should I do?"
Inform your husband that you need marriage counseling, which may come as a surprise to him if he's under the impression that he's happily married and he may not be happy to learn that you resent him for being the person you knew you were marrying. It's the only way to determine whether your ill-advised marriage is worth saving, and if I were him I might ultimately conclude it isn't.
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