A
male
age
51-59,
*lueless in colorado
writes:Ok, so a few years back, an old girlfriend looked me up on Facebook. At the time I didn't know how to not accept it. I just keep clicking "ignore". After about two weeks of clicking ignore, I got tired of the message always popping up so I accepted it. Well my wife went on Facebook one day and saw that she was one of my friends and became irate. Very irate. I tried to explain that I didn't know how to not accept it and that I hasn't even messaged her or had her post something on my wall, but to no avail. I deleted her from my account (which as soon as my wife said to I thought damn, why didn't I think of that), and we moved on. maybe about a year later an old coworker looked me up on Facebook. This time I'd found out how not to accept friend requests, but didn't really think too much of it. Just some girl I used to work with a long time ago. Needless to say the same thing happened. Another blow up. I deleted her too. it happened again about a year later. I should note here that these women are not ugly. But this time the situation was different. My wife was going through my text messages and found one to a friend of mine. I'd asked him if he was going to invite "Cheryl" to his birthday, and he said he want planning on it. I replied good cause if hate for my wife to catch me starting at her boobs. His response "LOL". Ok, this was in poor taste on my part, I admit that. It was only meant to be bantering between a couple of guys. So, I deleted Cheryl. After two more days of arguing about Cheryl, I deleted my Facebook account. Now here I an a year later again and my wife is looking at my LinkedIn page and there's Cheryl. Huge blow up again. LinkedIn account deleted. I've never had any sort of relations outside my marriage but there's been a couple of times where circumstantial evidence made it look suspicious. I've been on the couch for a week now and my wife has sent me over 50 angry texts. On my work phone no less. I need advice on how to get her to understand, that this is childish and we need to be able to put this behind us. We have kids to raise, and to be honest we haven't done a great job at it this week. plus the couch sucks. It hurts my back, and ain't nobody got time for that!
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male
reader, clueless in colorado +, writes (1 April 2013):
clueless in colorado is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, I sincerely appreciate the advice. I understand that I'm an imperfect man, I have no illusions of that. I know there are plenty of things that could have been done or said differently, but in this situation I don't think I'm in the wrong. I've deleted all of my social media accounts, which my wife says is silly, that I should just delete these women. Maybe, but how long will that last before the next one she sees pisses her off? Nah, easier and less hassle to just hit delete. I truly love this woman, but maybe its time. :-(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): my ex used to do the same thing and after nearly 2 years of putting up with his sorry excuses while also cooking cleaning and self maintenance - i finally left him. The best decision i have ever made in my entire life! I graduated from ANU with an MBA and am in a position now that I will never have to rely on any man to support me - which is too bad for him as he fell into depression when he broke his ankle and there was no one there to look after him. Put on weight because his injury restricted movement so there was no gym sessions. After being in 2 failed relationships after 7 years tries to call me everyday and msgs me on facebk (not friends) constantly begging to take him back. I just dont have the heart to tell him that I am in a 2 year relationship, head over heels in love and engaged :)This is your decision and that is my testimony - be prepared to make big decisions and take big risks
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): Why not learn from the first mistake? Quit accepting friend requests from woman you don't need to have contact with. Your wife needs to be reasured you still find her attractive. Woman like to hear that every now and then. Maybe just have a facebook acccount together.??? My finance and I closed our facebook account for similar reasons. And honestly I don't miss Facebook at all. Good luck!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): You should stop catering to her insecurity and demands. So what if she blows up at you? Let her and don't budge. Don't change what you're doing. Like with the "(X) female" incident. Which really is a non-incident. You haven't done anything so don't go deleting friends from your FaceBook and then deleting your FaceBook and Linked-in. what good has that done? None. It was a wrong move on your part, which is to do exactly what your wife wanted because this rewards her for acting that way so she'll resort to that same behavior sooner and sooner. You do realize that by allowing your wife's tantrums to rule you, that you're essentially rewarding your wife for being a jerk and not taking responsibility for controlling her own emotions or thoughts, right? is it really any wonder that this keeps happening again and again since you have agreed with her that she doesn't have to learn any self-control or how to self-soothe like a regular adult instead all she has to do is throw a major tantrum and you will give up more of your life to remove the insecurity triggers from her view. But since she never learned how to self-soothe, she will always have hair-trigger insecurity so it's only a matter of time before she blows up at you over some other woman who has nothing to do with you.I would advise you to tell your wife to go with you to a marriage counsellor because this marriage shouldn't continue like this and she is part of the problem. She needs to change something in herself because the way she is behaving now is very destructive to any marriage whether it is you or any other man she is being married to. Frankly she is the one destroying the relationship, IMO. If she refuses to go to counselling, then I would suggest you move out of the house to show you are serious until she is ready to make compromises on her part. Stay with a friend or relative in the meantime. What it boils down to is: she shouldn't always be the one throwing fits and you shouldn't always be the one giving up what you're doing. That’s a very one-sided relationship and it means something is very wrong. Give her several chances to realize she has to change something in herself. If she refuses, then re-evaluate if you should change how you live with her, you might have to resort to having a more emotionally-distant and arms-length relationship or maybe even not be married anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2013): You need to stop accepting your wife's behavior. She is being controlling to the max and very childish on top of that.So she looks through your texts, stalks you on facebook to see who is on your friends list, and basically she gets to dictate who you can interact with and who you can't. This is just not right. This is a very unhealthy marriage, and she is being dysfunctional. I understand you have been caving in and simply limiting deleting more and more of yourself to avoid her getting angry. But as you have found out, this is only a short-term solution. Having a insecure controlling spouse and you having to restrict your movements more and more (when you were not doing anything wrong to begin with) is not a long term solution.Tell her that SHE is the one causing all the problems in this relationship, not you. SHE is the one who keeps blowing up and causing conflict. Now she is sending you 50 angry texts? Well, just ignore them. Don't play into her game.Tell her that it is HER TURN to sleep on the couch because you have done nothing wrong in fact you are the one who keeps kow-towing to her to the point that now the problem is not you it's that SHE needs to learn to get a grip on her own insecurity and not go taking it out on you.Seriously, I would reconsider if you should even stay married to someone like this. If she doesn't change, the rest of your life is going to be your world getting smaller and smaller. Soon she will not want you to hang around your male friends because they might be a bad influence on you. Then you will have to give up your male friends too. Or she will next make you change your job if she ever sees that there are women in your job. fast forward a few years, she will soon have you not having any friends at all and the only person you're allowed to interact with is her. eech...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (29 March 2013):
You are going to have to start putting your foot down! If you've never cheated than this is all about her insecurities and not your actions.
My wife tried that crap with me and I had to remind her that I've never done anything to deserve being treated like I was doing something wrong so I wasn't going to put up with being treated like I was.
In her defense I don't think it was smart to accept your ex gf's friend request. So I get her being upset about that since a lot of cheating begins that way.
I'd tell her that you've never cheated on her and you're not going to put up with being treated like you have. Tell her that Cheryl has nice tits and there's nothing you can do to change that and if she didn't know by now that's how guys talk and no amount of sleeping on the couch will change that. Also you'll be sleeping in the bed from now on and if she doesn't like it you warmed up the couch for her.
To be honest with you I think she needs therapy, but I doubt she'd ever admit that.
You may think that if you follow my advice she'll get mad and leave you, but it's not likely at all. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (29 March 2013):
 make her go sleep on the couch! shes being ridiculous...has she always been this controlling/jealous?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2013): Lmao I love your last sentence. Very nice. Anyway, you need to sit her down, and talk to her. Fuck texting, that's not getting you anywhere. & don't you know how to block people on facebook? :) I'm sure if she sees this post you have, she's gonna flip some more. Are you aware of what she does online, etc? Maybe she's got a guilty conscious. Just a thought. I know a lot of women like that. Men, too, but anyways... You definitely need to have a serious talk. I'm sure the kids have suspicions of divorce, etc, & you don't want that. Good luck!
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