A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in love with 2 men i feel terrible.I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years and im ruining it due to long distance problems; he is 24 and i am 20.I've meet this wonderful man i cant be away from him i think about him all the time but when im with him i think about my fiance I love my fiance but things have to a plunge for the worse in the past month or 2 even before i meet this other man i cant get close to him This other guy is caring and head over hills in love with me and im in love with him to but i cant leave my fiance because im scared i love him to much even thow im awful for cheating but for the record i haven't had sex with this other man and he has no idea i have a fiance.I feel tied and in the ennd i will probley be alone and if that happends ill be hurt bad but i deserve it i shouldnt have lead them both on i cant have both this new guy has asked for my hand in marriage saying hes never moved so quick in hes life even wants us to look at houses together but now in the pit of my stomic im sick because i am still with my fiance so i told him to give me time to think.My current relationship is going so bad so quick im thinking about just leaving him and trying to come clean with the new guy as i feel as my fiance has no intenions in marrying me at all just to keep me when he moved 5 hours away he asked me to marry him I'm now learning i love him but im n love with this new man.I'm not sure what step to take do i cut off a 3year relationship and go with might be my one and only or do i stay because all the invested time i put in and i do care but live feeling terrible in a bad relaitonship with a verbly abusive man ??I really need help not judgement i know what ive done and that it can really hurt them both im ready to face it head on and come out with the truth please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): I'm on the receiving end of a situation very similar to this. The love of my life is engaged and in love with both myself and his fiance. He has been completely honest with me about everything, he does love her "like family" and stays with her because he doesn't want to hurt her, but knows that I am "the one".
I think that staying with someone you love like that is unfair on them, but I do understand it and I am not forcing him to make a choice. I know how he loves me and we look at it two ways:
1) feel so lucky to have even met each other
2) if it is true love, it will work out in the end.
My point is, be honest with the other guy about your fiance. If this guy is the person you think he is, he will still love you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): I'm a man who came across this while looking for advice. I'm currently one of two men in a situation like yours. I was dating this girl, and everything clicked. However, I took it slow and didn't tell her how I felt because I didn't want to look too fast or agressive. Fast forward two semmesters of college. We fell distant despite my best efforts. She felt that I had used her and left her. When a long time friend proposed to her, she accepted, surprised that she had feelings for him. After returning from college, I see she is single because this other guy now lives in another state. We slowly get back to where we were before; I don't understand why she is hesitant when before I was worried about how much attention she gave me. We were talking one day in the car on a long trip, and I was slowly working up to asking about marriage, dropping hints and watching her reactions. When I said the word proposal, she broke down into tears and told me it all. She really loves me, but also takes her existing commitment very seriously, though it only exists over the phone. It is apparent that she prefers me, but her feelings for this guy and her desire to avoid hurting a long time friend prevent her from breaking the engagement. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know how much longer I can still love her. I can't sleep. I cried for the first time in years. She sleeps even less than I do and cries at the slightest mention, in a song, a careless word from an unknowing friend. I can tell she has been abused in the recent past, maybe by him. When I touch her face she flinched, saying she is afraid I'll hit her. I've never hit a woman in my life. Don't let your engagement ruin your life, as well as seriously hurt another. If only my problem was so clear. I think the only way out is if I simply leave, which will hurt more than limping along and hoping that somehow she changes her mind. She'll do anything but leave him to keep me around, and I don't want anything but to be her one and only.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim so confussed i think i am just going to leave them both because i need to get my head together and maybe this new guy isnt as dreamy as i think it might be im a easy target and i seem as he can walk all over me,
because im hurt over the fact my fiance is verbly abusive but im telling the guy guy frist and going to se my fiance and letting him know this week thank you and i will be hurt it isnt going to be easy but i cant live my life like this and i dont think i could repair my relationship with my fiance and your right this new guy mayne just moving to fast but on top of that i found out he lied to me he said he was 30 turns out hes 35 and im 20 i like older men but he lied even thow im lien i wouldnt expect him to stay with me well thank you guys for everything im gunna just make plans to break things off and study up on my self and being honest
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A
female
reader, lovingheart  +, writes (17 March 2008):
Dear Three is a CrowdI sympathise with your predicament. It's easy to think you are in love with two people. Each man probably has different qualities that you admire and you are scared of losing one of them when you choose the other. I had a friend once who was in the same boat. She mucked around so long that, in the end, she lost both of them. You know deep down that you have to come clean and CHOOSE. Take some time for yourself and search your feelings - which one do you really want to have in your life? It's not fair to them or to you to be in this situation, so decide. You'll feel much better when you've got if off your chest, believe me.
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A
female
reader, lovingheart +, writes (17 March 2008):
Dear Three is a Crowd
I sympathise with your predicament. It's easy to think you are in love with two people. Each man probably has different qualities that you admire and you are scared of losing one of them when you choose the other. I had a friend once who was in the same boat. She mucked around so long that, in the end, she lost both of them.
You know deep down that you have to come clean and CHOOSE. Take some time for yourself and search your feelings - which one do you really want to have in your life? It's not fair to them or to you to be in this situation, so decide. You'll feel much better when you've got if off your chest, believe me.
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20  +, writes (17 March 2008):
 I don't think either of them suits you.
And here's why....
Your fiance:
1)You're not happy with him.
2)He's verbally abusive.
The list goes on......
New Guy:
1) Moves way too fast....
Question: Suppose you leave your fiance for this new guy who is moving fast, and this new guy is just leading you on and pretending to be into you, and then leaves you? Suppose he turns out to be someone that he is not??? Oh sure, he SEEMS all charming now....but let's think about this......
If you leave your fiance for the new guy, get this new guy to SLOW DOWN, so that you can actually get a chance to KNOW him.
I don't trust either of them, but it's up to you.
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A
female
reader, musics_muse +, writes (17 March 2008):
this actually happened to me when i was 20 years old.
at the time i was in a 1.5 year relationship, long distance because he was still back at school 6 years away while i decided to go to school at home. the first 8 months were spent together and we were in love with each other.
this great guy ive been friends with for years finally told me his feelings for me, and surprisingly i felt the same way, though i never really realized it before. i broke up with my then boyfriend/fiancee to be with the other guy.
im not gonna go into too much detail because this isnt about me, it's about you. i know what it's like to be afraid of ending something so familiar, so safe, no matter how bad it is currently. you figure "since we've worked in the past, we can still make it work?"
my advice is to move on. your heart is the most honest part of yourself, ive come to learn. it'll more than likely steer you in the right direction. make your decision quickly, asap, or else youre at risk of losing everything. take it from me.
good luck with your choice, and i wish you the best of luck!
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (16 March 2008):
 THERES NO EASY WAY TO SAY THIS! but, u could leave ur fiance and be with this new guy, not say anything and he might never know because the fiance is as u say, far away.
however, i condone honesty, and so many different scenarios can come frpom this and there not all good. u can come clean with the new guy, but either way u lied and trust factors now come into play. u can only tell the truth to these gentlemen and hope for the best. choose the guy u love, and explain ur situation and why u lied. i can only sayt to u, be prepared for the posssibility of being, alone. good luck
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A
male
reader, Gay Boi D +, writes (16 March 2008):
 Hi there mrs
i have been in the same situation
been together with bf for 2 years, very happy, and it went downhill, i found another guy who i got on with, relly great (grass is greener and all that).
but then i thought, all the good times i had with my partner, i wanted them to continue, i wanted to be with him, yes things were bad at the moment, but could i really leave him and go straight into a 'perfect relationship' with this other guy?
however, being anyone that abuses you in any way is terrible and cannot be condoned!!!
in my opinion, the abuse stops or you get out of there before it turns physical!!!
then see whats happens
just because you have been with someone 3 years and 'invested time' does not indeed give them an excuse to be verbaly abusive
D x x x
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