A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Its taken a bit of courage to write this. I am 19, and have been with my fiancee for 3 years. Is it wierd that i dont have any friends? When i was in school and particulary college, i was very left out and it was rare that i was asked to go out to the pub with the gang in college. Its not like i am some shy, ugly geek- i have been told by many many people- including a lot of people in college that i am very pretty. I have done modelling before too. I sometimes get very upset with the fact i dont have anyone to have a girlie chat with over things, or to go out shopping with. My family noticed a long time ago-and they tease me about it. My younger brother has a social life- and he is rarely home because he is out with mates. My fiance is very understanding, and he used to have a small group of mates and recently the small group turned to just one. He doesnt seem to mind much, but he still goes out to the pub with this mate and has a social life- even if it is just one night a week or fortnight. I used to get very down when i heard people in college talk about planning nights out, and if i was ever invited, i used to leave early because it always seemed like i was invisible. I have a very good personality, i am funny, intelligent, and confident. I just dont understand why i dont have any friends or why i have never had any friends. Leading upto our wedding, I am afraid that i wont have a hen party- because i dont have any friends - and i dont want mothers/family ect to really be at my hen do because i think thats wierd? Most people have thier best friend to be maid of honor at thier wedding. I wont. It just seems too late to even try to find friends, and im just confused, and get really upset sometimes.
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best friend, engaged, fiance, shy, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): I have been in your shoes at your age and it has got worse the older I've got. Starismine gives good advice as it is learnt behaviour from your childhood. My mother was often critical of my friends and then wondered why I never asked them round. My husband is 'difficult' when I'm around my friends and does not make an effort so I end up being isolated. I used to invite people around whilst married and due to the atmosphere from my husband we never got invited back. Just recently though and this is a warning, I am feeling desperately in need of help and advice and I have no friends - the ones I had I kind of pushed away. Sometimes this can happen if you don't feel good enough. My advice is that friends, whether they are transient or for life are very important support systems so it is worth you trying to invest time in finding some - even just 2 or 3.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (5 September 2008):
Well it could have been a vicious circle, you got invited out, but didn't feel confident in talking to people and getting involved, then you went home early, so then people stop asking you out because you sit looking lonely and go home early.
To make friends you have to get out there and make the effort to show people you are intelligent and funny and pretty. It's not like modeling where you just stand there and people admire you.
Join a writers group or an am dram group, or start modeling again and ask the girls there if they want to go for an after work drink.
Call up some of your college friends and say Hi, ask them what they are up to now and find out if they want to meet up for lunch one day.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Nat8124 +, writes (5 September 2008):
I feel so sorry for you just now. I don't know where I'd be without my girlies. Its not always been like this for me though. When I got engaged to my husband (who has always been a bit of a snob when it comes to other people) I almost gave up my childhood friendships. At Uni, a rarely went out, gained a huge amount of weight and ended up hating who I'd become. I realised that I needed to get a grip, I need to fight to get my best friend back since I'd almost abandoned her and if that meant that I had to take a step back from my husband then so be it. One year after our marriage, I have the best relationship with my girl than I've ever had, she is almost like a rock to me. I've also lost all my unwanted weight, started going out more and become happy with who I am hence I know a LOT more people and have some very valued, amazing friends. I know I've just rambled on about myself a bit here but i'm trying to show that if it can happen to me then it can happen to anyone. You sound like a lovely girl and you'll make someone an ace friend! Get yourself out there, do some new things and the rest will follow.X
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2008): More people than you would think suffer from this "problem". This may not help you by your hen party, but if you want to really solve this problem then you need to make a concerted effort to involve yourself in activities that require group participation. Either with your fiancee if you think would be easier or by yourself. Dancing classes in any style for beginners are fun and naturally lend themselves to meeting people, as do aerobic groups and many other such activities. The hardest part is making the effort and the rewards are well worth it.
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A
female
reader, starismine1  +, writes (5 September 2008):
 This is something of a sensitive subject for me as well, because I've never had many female friends either. Does your mother socialize alot with females? Were you raised around females who bonded and had friends? Did your mother have female friends who had daughters that you played with as a child? The ability to bond with women and have female friends is often something you learn from childhood conditioning from your mother. Take a good honest look at how she is with female friends and how she raised you. This will give you a clue as to why females as friends is something you find difficult to come by. You are a product of your conditioning and you are relating to women the way your mother taught you. It is especially tough during a time like your wedding, when the expectation is for you to have lots of friends, bridesmaids, maid of honor etc. I can tell you I still can remember that shame I felt about having no female friends at my wedding, boy was that a tough one for me. Now I realize, there was nothing wrong with me, I just have to learn how to force myself to be in female social situations where I can bond with women. It takes a lot of effort and its hard for people like us, but don't be hard on yourself. Realize you are young and can have friends in the future, understand the unique challenges you face that aren't your fault, do things socially you enjoy doing that other women would partake in, like yoga, a book club, hiking etc. and then, have female friendships as a goal. And by all means, don't let this slight imperfection you feel about your life ruin what is sure to be one of the best moments in your life, your wedding. In time friends will come, you'll see.
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