A
male
age
36-40,
*onfusedmuch
writes:Hey everyone, this site is new to me, so lets see how this works out. I am a gay male and I have been dating my partner for 10 months now, its been the greatest 10 months, complete with roller coasters, emotional confusion the works of a long-term relationship. Back in April my boyfriend went to for three months when he got out everything was back to normal, or so I thought. He started acting very weird and not being himself anymore. A few weeks went by and it started to get a bit better.One day I picked him up to go hang out or what not, and he told me that he was just on the phone with a guy he had talked to before we met and that he (the guy) was telling my bf about his relationship issues and what not. From that moment on my mind went off into la la land and started wondering "why out of nowhere is he talking to some random guy from the past?" This happened around the last week of July and the first week of August. It has been about a month now and I am still having weird thoughts. I have talked to him about it and we have worked it out slowly and painfully but surely. The point of this is that tonight we hung out and we were across town when he asked me to take him to his sisters house. My mood automatically changed because he didn't know what he wanted to do and I really didn't care what we did I just wanted to spend time with him. The point is that it pissed me off when he asked me to take him to his sisters house in the West side of town when we were already deep in the East side. After all this happened, I thought to myself perhaps we need a break from each other and realize what we both have. I dropped him off at his brother's house after we went to his sister's where he stayed and hung out. He called me about 3:00AM and I told him that I had been thinking we needed to take a break. He was chocked, and so was I 'cause I said it. My phone died in the middle of the conversation so I called him back and he wouldn't answer... I ended up at his house, in his bed, talking about it, and we made up. I feel so stupid because the whole deal was that I was suppose to let him go and see if he came back like the old say goes "if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be". But no instead I went off with my emotions and ended up at his door, and making up... I wonder if anyone has done this before and what you all think I would like to get an opinion on this and see where I went wrong.
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reader, confusedmuch +, writes (5 September 2009):
confusedmuch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx Aunty Em. I totally agree with what you said. Apparently what I wanted was some affirmation, and I knew I wasn't going to get it by sitting back and waiting for it, at least not instantaneously, so I resorted to the drama act in which I made a big scene to make him think twice, or so I thought he would. I panicked because he wasn't answering the calls and ended up going over there. In this case I think the winner was him, because I am the one panicking about his past and not letting things go as they are.
Like Maslow says in his hierarchy of human needs in self-actualization the main principles are lack of prejudice and acceptance of facts. It has been hard for me to do either since I have been hurt so many times in the past. I know I am not suppose to bring the past into the present but work on it and make it work out in the future. I really love this guy and I can truly say that and believe it, but it has been hard to set my trust well at least after a few months to now. But hopefully it will all work out and be better in the end. Once again thank you for you answer and your insight.
God bless...
Confused Much
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 September 2009):
 I can't relate totally to your situation but what I do know is that when your feeling negative emotions in a relationship, it can make you do all kinds of weird stuff. Thought processes get confused and behaviour changes.
Your BF talking to a guy from the past obviously had you wondering what was going on. It's fair to say that you would only worry about this if you felt insecure in the relationship. Sometimes we are so deeply involved with someone, we almost crave them and our behaviour becomes smothering. In this situation it's wise to take a step back.
You suggested 'space', but I fear it wasn't so you could regroup your thoughts, it was mearly for a reaction from your BF. When he didnt answer your call, you immediately panicked and ended up going straight over and spending the night!!! The thing is, when you call an ultimatum, you should think carefully first. Being dramatic just to get an affirmation of loyalty or need seldom works.
If you really love your boyfriend then trust should be the fundemental basis on which your relationship is built. If you don't trust him and you have good reason, perhaps speaking to him calmly about how you feel would be best. If you think your just over reacting to something minor because you want his attention, then he is going to get upset and tired of all the drama and he may end things.
Metaphorically, 'If you love someone let them go' could mean that you losen your grip on the relationship and allow your BF the opportunity to have friends and a life away from you. The relationship doesn't have to end, but we all need time apart from our partners to be ourselves. That way when you do spend time together you know both of you really want to be there. Being clingy and insecure can destroy things.
Try to be a little more relaxed and good luck for getting things sorted.
Aunty Em xxx
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