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*homasman
writes:I'm a guy of 54 years and was happily married for 19 years,there have been no Kids,which is the choice of my 44 year old wife (and mine).About six weeks ago I noticed my wife taking the odd call late at night and walking out of ear shot from me,this made me curious but not worried as she sometimes does this as a habit,It wasn't until she went on a spa weekend with a friend that she left her laptop still logged into her Facebook account,I went to use the laptop and I noticed that there was a lot of very friendly chatter/ her bikini clad pictures being sent to this young trainer at her local gym,I did the next thing and checked the phone bill on line and found that she and this guy had been texting and phoning each other for weeks.Foolishly, I thought I had enough evidence to confront her,which I did, She immediatly flew into a rage accussing me of be a sad old man and a stalker and that it was none of my business and that she can talk to anyone she wishes and anyway this chap was an old friend ( that I had never met),I asked her why she had texted this guy forty eight times over the last two weeks,her reply was that friends do that !!Now, I am confused,our sex life has been fantastic in the weeks before she knew what I had found out,maybe the ladies out there can answer this one....can a woman have sex with her husband and a lover without giving anthing away ? she states that it would be impossible for her to have sex with someone else ??Anyway, the stress over this has been horrendous with arguements almost every day,where before we never argued...the trust is gone, I can't take my mind off it all.I even rang the guy,who denied any wrong doing and said that they were just friends and had been for years ?? she still texts him and they must speak on a daily basis due to the fact that my wife is a martial arts instructor at the same gym.I do love my wife dearly and want this to work,but how can I get ride of these doubts when all she says is that they are just good friends,My wife is a very fit lady and extremly good looking,we have no money problems and she has all she has ever wished for.Please forgive my grammer and spelling,I just want to know if something like this has happened to anyone else out there or is just me being a sad old man ( extremely fit but with grey hair ) Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): It's definately NOT impossible, I have done it for 4 going on 5 years.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (16 October 2009):
 Tom with all the best intentions I think your wife has crapped the marriage terribly.
I had thought for certain she'd have stayed with GG and made him crazy till he'd thrown her out. Now she's living in a trailer (yes a caravan but here we call them trailers for the trash that can inhabit them), and in your case with her handing you a dose of the disease, she's trailer trash.
The point is my friend, you have given her the blessings and trappings of a perfectly good marriage, 19 years of your life and she hadn't even figured it out to have her self tested for an STD before she passed it on to you.
I am certain that GG has been catting about with many middle-aged women at his gym, and one of them doubtless having picked it up in her cougar-like liaisons handed GG the disease and likewise your wife the disease; and hence you the disease.
This being the case, I think Bill has her on the ropes and she's put herself in the corner. Next bell please.
Even if we use the rules, this fight is lopsided to be sure, but with an unhealthy dose of an STD having been passed to you through her liaisons, I'd say any good judge would have some issues with her behavior.
All that said and done, I'd say you're best off moving on and leaving her behind. Its not the fact that she cheated on you my friend, as that's forgivable; but its the fact that she turned her back on you and walked out the way she did which tells me you were being used.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 October 2009):
 Best of luck Thomas.
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reader, Thomasman +, writes (15 October 2009):
Thomasman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,Firstly....There has been some back peddling from my wife over the last few weeks,I have been away from the UK but have been recieving calls and texts on a somewhat regular basis from my wife,The affair is over between GG and she is now living in a caravan ( trailer ) near to our old house,I was told she is a pysical wreck...lost a lot of weight and the wrinkles are comming back !! ( she can't afford the Botox injections ) When I returned to the UK last week I did take one of her calls and agreed to meet her at a local pub the next day,when I walked back into the house the mail was piled up highwaiting for me,the dog sitter left and I poured myself a large one and started opening the mail.......Now on the advise of one of you folks I went had myself checked for any STD's,I did that and promply forgot about the very unpleasant experience, until I came across the brown envolope with a hospital heading......with a swift gulp of Scotalnd's finest I opened the letter and read the result........Yep !! The ***** had given me Clymidea....whatever that was,she had been having unprotected sex with someone and given me some form of clap !!! As I write this account I am sweating with rage.
Anyway,as I read the hospital report the STD was not going to kill me and a course of antibiotics would clear it up,altough that was not the point,she had given me it from her scumbag Gym Guy boyfriend and tomorrow I was going to meet her in a pub,I needed to be cool about this,so I rang Bill my Lawyer/friend,he told me not to drink anymore and to follow his instruction,but his main questions to me were " Did I still love her ? was I going to take her back ? then the hard one,"could I ever forgive her and carry on as before?" Two "Yeses" was not good enough it had to be three Yeses or " BIN the *****" and move on,Bill's advise only mirrored what I was thinking,there is no way on earth that I would be able to carry on as before.
I met her at lunchtime at the Red Lion public house the next day,the rumours were right...she looked like crap,whereas I was tanned and had lost a few pounds,I wore a crisp black Boss suit and an opened neck shirt,( a bit vain but what the hell)the hospital report tucked in my inside pocket,We didn't kiss on the greeting,she wanted to, but I thought I might catch something else,other than something that sounds like the name of my great Aunt's pet Budgie !! she expressed how well I looked...which is something she has not expessed for a long time...even when we were married.she thought that we should try and patch things up and that wouldn't it be nice if we could court each other again and put it all behind us,we can't waste all those years on such silliness and bad feeling.......I remember feeling like Al Pacino in the film The Godfather when he went for a meeting meal with two arch enemies and he just sat there listening to them pitch him,when all along he knows that he was going to the toilet, get the gun from behind the toilet cystern walk out and blow them away!! well, my gun was the Hospital report in my inside pocket,anyway,I listened,she started to cry,I noticed that she wasn't wearing her wedding ring....It was my turn,the crying was her way of saying " Go on,say something " I said that last night I was willing to maybe get together and see how it went......but,I opened the mail and this piece of paper had sealed my thoughts on us,I then handed the report over to her,her eyes dried suddenly and she realised what it was in a flash,her mouth dropped and a frown appeared on her face, I stood up and said " Your boy friend gave you the clap and you gave me the clap...goodbye" only to pass Bill walking in with the divorce papers ready to serve her,which he did,according to Bill she burst into tears and dissapered into the toilet...with the divorce papers....job done.
I am now on the tablets,she will soon be out of my life altogether,the dogs are happy....time now to move on,sorry about the dramic script but this is the first time I have been able to recount the final part of my marrage in writing.Thomas x
Thank you all for your comments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Nonsense! For what reason are you rejecting her? This woman has been emotionally destroyed and for what? She needed someone to talk to since you were apparently unavailable. You should be smart enouph to know exactly why she would seek friedship with another man and you should know intuitively how she will react to him if they were intimate. So what if they were intimate, it's how the two of you interact that is the worth of the marriage. Once you love someone you should always love them regardless of the circunstances. If you don't want her to be intimate with him put a P.I. on her. Tell him to interfere if she trys to see him. You could secure a promise from her that she won't see him again. Tell her if she wants a boyfriend he will have to be approved by you. And that you want to know everything that goes on. Be sure that you are emotionally available to her and are giving her love and attention especially sexual attention. It could be that you are sensitive to other people knowing that she is stepping out on you. Most peoples opinion isn't worth considering. Think for yourself. You know what english morals are all about? -- Mental Illness!
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (22 September 2009):
Tom, sadly you have the blessings of wealth; the blessings of good physical health; and unfortunately the curse of a woman who cannot love you and you alone.
The good news is that you will find someone better than her. You have everything in you that a good woman would want.
Everything that you did before you can do differently and better now.
And its not another woman you have to fear to trust; its just the one you married. That's all.
Maybe its better this way that you found out now rather than later.
But in either event, you have the ability to escape and move on with your life, and she unfortunately gets GYM GUY.
In a few years, maybe, he'll turn her out. And then she can look back and see that Lucky Tom is well ... lucky again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Tom, this happened to me and I am proud of the way you are behaving. My EX husband swore blind he wasn't having an affair but all the signs were there. He kept mentioning his partner in the film industry over and over again and then told me he was off for two weeks to Cannes. I was extremely suspicious so found this lady's address and staked it out. Sure enough he came out in the morning of the nice house in Highgate and got into her Rage Rover. Later that day i took all his clothes round and left them in her garden. He called over and over again and turned up but I never would have him back or let him in.
I couldn't trust a man in years and truth be known I still don't. He used to look me deeply in the eyes and swear blind he wasn't up to anything but it was all lies. On occasion he sees the children but it is all very strained. On weak moments I was tempted to take him back but I never did so keep firm!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): Thomas there are many faithful women, sadly your wife was not one of them. at least you can ensure that she doesn't get a penny more than she deserves. in fact try to screw her for anything you can. let this divorce show her who is the boss. she was a manipulative, cunnig bitch who thought a few crocodile tears would do the trick. let GG have her. why take back someone elses sloppy seconds. at least you have irrufutable proof and what would it say when she is served with papers - irreconcilable differences or adultery? go well and take care.
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reader, Thomasman +, writes (22 September 2009):
Thomasman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,Firstly thank you for your resent comments,comments of advice and support..Thank you.I would like to update you all on the situation.I returned from our cottage in Scotland last week and on my return I had a meeting with my Lawyer(Bill)and although we had spoken about my business as he is my company lawyer, we hadn't ( on purpose) discussed my personal situation only that he had made sure that my wife had no access to any company property i.e cars and company credit/fuel cards.I did tell him that she had visited me,he couldn't comment only that being one of the hardest business men he knew...I would know how to handle things ( isn't it funny how you think other people see you...I never have thought of that about myself )Anyway, I got back home,unpacked and within half an hour there she was..at the front gate on the security screen crying to be let in.....I let her in,again into the kitchen and we sat and I made a cup of tea for us both,she had arrived in a car that I didn't recognise and in clothes that I had never seen her wear before,her hair was different and she had an orange tan....I didn't recognise her either....neither did the dogs,Bobo ( the dog that she bought) nearly took her leg off !!She wanted to come back home,she wanted to be as happy as she was before all this,she wanted it so that none of this had ever happened.....simple,before I let her in the house I rang my Lawyer and asked him to give me a call in about fifteen minutes and for him then to put the phone down,this would give me time to think...it worked,she had just finished saying how much she missed me and loved me and that nothing had ever happened with GG and I was being unreasonable,when my phone went,it gave me that breathing space,I said to her that I needed some time and that with her around I could not have that,so, I agreed that she stay in the annexe and the end of the garden for the time being,she reluctently agreed,so, she moved into the annexe.That was Tuesday of last week,we lived sperate lives,she came and went and sometimes stayed out all night,and, as you can imagine, that annoyed me,so,I down loaded some software tracker on an old GPS phone and popped it under the seat of her unlocked car,that way I could find out where she was going,and on Friday night she still wasn't back at midnight,so I checked where she her car was parked,it was parked outside a house that I had never known,it wasn't any of our friends houses.So, I drove round to the house which was about seven miles out of town,The tracker was very accurate,it's position is logged within 3 feet,I found the car parked outside this unknown house ...........I sat there and just watched,my car in full view,it was about an hour late when I saw GG walk out and move his car into the garage,he didn't see me and he was in his dressing gown......I just sat there,I just wanted her to see that I had finally caught her, so, I just sat there,It was a long night,but worth the wait,she appeared about half past seven the next morning,she saw me as she was walking to her car,she stopped and dropped her keys,hiding behind the car !! Sad, isn't it,we all think that we will react in different ways,I thought I would jump out of the car a punch GG's lights out..but I didn't I just sat there......and she just hid behind the car pretending to look for her keys.I drove by her and just wound the window down and told her not to bother coming back to the house,I now have the address where to send all her stuff,which I did, I told Bill what had happened,he said he would take care of things from then on,I had the locks changed on the annexe,popped the dogs in the best kennals money could buy and jumped on a plane to my apt in Mammoth Mountain,which is where I'm writing this account from.Time to move on I think,but I do miss those wonderful cooking nights,where we got drunk and laughed so much,cried at old movies and made love everyday and what makes it worse is that she was doing all this with me whilst seeing someone else.HOW ON EARTH AM I GOING TO BE ABLE TO TRUST ANOTHER WOMAN?Thank you again for your advice and comments. Tom x
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2009): I too am enormously impressed as it would be so easy to just take her back. I made a fool of myself so many times when my husband did what your wife has done to you by begging him to return and trying to make him want to start again where really I should have thought 'you have betrayed me I will not forgive you'. Sadly I was scared of being on my own which was very weak. We are now divorced and I couldn't be happier. People who lie and are
deceitful deserve all thats coming to them. Keep firm and behave like you do in business and under no circumstances think of taking her back - she is just taking the piss.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): Tom, to survive your wifes betrayal you have to be hard assed. you have handled her exactly how she deserves.tell her not to do you any favours. she is now seeing the real you. WELL DONE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): I was once browsing a book by Jim Belushi and read the following phrase, "If you suspect she's cheating, she probably is". I believe this is true, since we, men, are not very sensitive to this aspects, so when we finally 'feel something', it is because something IS happening. I was in the same situation a while ago, so I just want to point some things:1. Cheating for a woman does not necessarily mean she's having sex with the other guy. But eventually things can evolve in that direction. Don't let this happen, might not be too late. Keep her "short" for a while. A good idea is to meet the other guy, just meet him, "I just wanted to meet the man my wife befriends", usually he backs up in such situation. And your wife might appreciate that you care.2. Here's the difficult part. You probably are a nice guy. DO NOT turn yourself in a pathetic man, jealous and lame. Be "the MAN", try to seem on top. Be funny, not sour. And a little bit of "I don't care if you are in the mood tonight woman, I want you now". Unbelievable how they fall for that, IT IS IN THEIR GENES, that's how all the jerks got nice women.3. Repeat to yourself 1000 times a day, it's not your fault, it is her's, and the best revenge is to show her, yourself, and the rest of the world how good you are. Every minute, every second. Good luck, my friend.Dan
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reader, Thomasman +, writes (14 September 2009):
Thomasman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,I am still in Scotland at the cottage,over the weekend I had a visitor come knocking at my door late on Sat night and refusing to leave until I answered the door,I eventualy gave in and answered the door to a very tearful wreck of a woman,yes, I invited her in and we sat down in the kitchen.
The time that I have had to myself has prepared me for such a meeting as this one,I treated it as I would any business meeting,I just sat there and was polite and let the other party do all the talking....I hardly said a word,she is still sticking to her story that nothing went on between her and GG,just a good friendship,she reminded me that it was me that was throwing away our marrage,it was me and my long working hours that cteated the situation where she needed to have GG as a distraction as a friend and that she had now stopped texting him and phoning him and will keep their relationship just to meeting for coffee after her classes !! ( this she said as if she was doing me a favour) after about half an hour I asked her to leave and at this point she broke down and begged me to let her stay..........It was then that in my minds eye I remember her face with a snarl and her almost spitting at me saying that she didn't want to be around me anymore !! so I kicked her skinny arse out the door...even the dogs barked at her??
Told her to talk to my Lawyer,She stayed in the car for an hour then drove off,she returned yesterday morning whilst I was out walking the dogs andleft a note begging for me not to give up on us.....but how can I forget ? I'm driving back down to home tomoorrow. Tom
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Thomas, you go man!
wish you well and good luck.
as ffor your wife, well serves her right for having the affair, then denying it and then abondoning you.
Tom, there are still good women around. one day i hope one passes by you (SOON)
you have a good head on those shoulders, and glad you were proactive in ensuring the wifey gets whats coming to her.
decisive and deliberate- GOOD ON YOU.
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (9 September 2009):
Tom,
I think its very hard for your wife to ever explain what went wrong in your marriage. Maybe nothing went wrong and she snapped and fell for an affair merely out of personal boredom.
I know that when women hit menopause or have their own midlife crisis, they do things that are rash and unexplained.
But on the other hand for her to treat you so cruelly as she did, without ever admitting her own mistakes, tells me that she had turned cold towards you.
With all the love and history that was there, something was wrong but its likely not you who caused it. It sounds like you've done all the right things. You gave her a great deal of success and made strident efforts to succeed in business, in wealth and in your marriage. That said, I think its her loss now not yours.
Perhaps in time, during the ensuing proceedings, she will be more contrite and make some honest efforts towards you. I don't recommend foreclosing things yet, but as they say, sometimes your competitor is willing to make concessions to recreate a new merger out of a failed business venture.
Out of failure two partners can learn new ways to deal with an ever changing marketplace. Hence, applying these principles, maybe you'll see a different partner in your competitor. Or likely if not, locate a new one.
All the best and we all hope you enjoy your cottage. It sounds very nice. Personally I have my hideaway in the mountain desert of Nevada. Which, hopefully, I will be at in a few weeks.
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reader, Thomasman +, writes (9 September 2009):
Thomasman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,Thanks for all you resent comments folks,just to let you know I am well out of the way at our cottage on the west coast of Scotland which has always been our hideaway ( nearest person next door is a twelve mile drive away) so, pleanty of time for my self.........or so, I thought,A husband of one of my wife's martial art students gave me a call and asked if I was alright ( We meet now and again for a pint and moan about the cricket) he admitted that something was wrong a few months back,when his wife had confided in him what she thought was flirting and touching going onn between my wife and Gym Guy (GG) GG would always join my wife and other students after her class for coffee,they would always leave together,and although they thought it wasn't noticed it became a bit of a joke between all the girls,the husband felt he should have told me at the time but didn't want to upset anything !! he asked where I was, I lied,I want no distractions,He said that his wife had told him that my wife had left me and she looked like s**t...so, it seems it was common knowledge.
Isn't there a song out there about being the last to know??
Finally ( for today) I wish to comment for Klara,Klara thank you for your comments of which I have found fasinating,I know there are two sides to every story,and yes,over the next couple of weeks there are bound to be real reasons for my wife falling onto another man's penis,maybe it was my long working hours ( I sold three of my overseas branches last year to be at home more)then she moaned because I was always around.
I have been in business for many years and have always followed my gut feeling and acted upon that,I have made some foolish and rash moves,but,mostly 95% of the time I was right........what I amm saying is I wanted to believe that my wife was being the wife that every one admired for being her own woman, and respected what we had,but I was wrong and I don't know what I have done wrong,she had everything and wife would need,I told her I loved her everyday,I alway kept fit not fat ( I have grey hair )Money ,cars ,Holidays and we laughed an awful lot,cooked together,got drunk together and made love almost every day....so, Klara what went wrong ? I can't work it out ...yet !! Anyway got to go and walk the dogs before it gets too dark....just a day at a time !!! thanks everyone talk tomorrow. Tom
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Wow, it sounds like a lot has happened since your original post, I just wanted to say GOOD FOR YOU for not calling her. The ball is in her court, and it's beyond the idea that you look "needy" for begging her to come back or anything like that -- SHE is the one who has to prove her innocence, and you have nothing to apologize for.Yeah, it's possible that she isn't cheating, but...if it were me, I have to say I would be much more likely to react the way she did if I were processing an "OMG I've been caught!" reaction than a "What is he talking about, he's crazy!" one. Think of one of your female friends with whom you have a completely platonic relationship. If you were accused of cheating with her, would you react the way your wife did? What is "stalker-like" about looking at your phone bill? (I know I check mine every month praying that T-Mobile made a mistake and I don't REALLY owe that much!) This is YOUR WIFE, not a stranger you walked past on the street; a lot of what she does -- admittedly not everything, but certainly a large percentage -- IS your business and she is just saying anything she can think of, sensible or not, to avoid admitting guilt. A spouse innocent of cheating is very, very unlikely to react the way she did.You're better off without her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2009): Yes, I have done it. She is lying. The easiest thing to do when caught is to deny everything. Don't let it go.
Give her the choice to stop or not let the front door hit her butt on the way out. This will scare the heck out of her. Seek counseling. She is trying to con you.
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reader, Thomasman +, writes (8 September 2009):
Thomasman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, Just driving up to Scotland and my Lawyer has just rang me....guess what ?? She has just returned home to find the house is secure and locked up and her without a key,putting two and two together she rang me first ( about ten times and six texts ) The hardest one to ignore was the first call...the rest were easy ...in fact I got a bit of a buzz out of it...sad huh? she told my Lawyer that she wanted to pick some stuff up,he told her that she had left the marital home and Thomas would need to be asked...my Lawyer is my own company Lawyer also Golf /fishing and flying partner and I think a friend but most of all he enjoys good litigation and he is welcoming me to his world !! anyway,my Lawyer ( we'll call him Bill) will inform my wife that he couldn't get in touch with me,so she will just have to live in her smally clothes for a while,all the finances that my wife cards etc; which belong to my company has been stopped until I return and she will need to return the company leased 4x4......Lastley before I get on my way,I would again like to thank you all for your support, just talking like this helps take the pain away....it's just a shame that you all couldn't join me in the low lands,I am sure we would all find something to talk about....I'll keep you all in touch..Tom
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (8 September 2009):
Wow, all I can say is that she will regret losing a man such as yourself. And this, when you are ready, you will have opportunity to live the rest of your life in perfect bliss with a woman who truly will appreciate you. All the best Tom.
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (8 September 2009):
Tom,
You needn't worry. Let your lawyers handle it. I'm sure whenever she attempts to return to an empty home with new locks on the doors, she'll get the message.
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reader, Thomasman +, writes (8 September 2009):
Thomasman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Everyone,Thank you for all you comments and advice,I have now decided to and have a few days away with the dogs in Scotland and just get away from it all,I need to think,read and sleep.I have contacted my Lawyers and changed all locks on the house (his advise),I have not heard from my wife at all,it is so tempting to either call her or text,but then again why should I ? Again thank you all for your time,I shall keep you advised on the outcome. Tom
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): hi thomashey man, chin up. it is not your afult that she skipped out of the marriage. have you considered what is going to happen now. i think by her moving out so suddenly means that she is gone to perhaps her lover(??). with NO TRUST AND NO BOUNDARIES being defined by your wifes behaviour do you even want her back in your life. you may love her, crave her company but can you trust her not to stray? the answer sadly is NO. Thomas you are the victim in your marriage. your wife the perpertrator. you have done nothing wrong, yet you are faced with the devastation. please do not allow your wife this hold on your life. you either fight for her, not knowing what she has been up to or you decide that enough is enough and you decide to do something about her baling out on your marriage. perhaps she thinks that because you are 54 years, a bit mature in your years, she is younger, therefore she holds all the aces. i think it is time to take back your power and proclaim your life as your own.good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): OK for the moment do absolutely nothing. Just make a cup of tea and do nothing. Under no circumstances should you ring her/ text etc or leave any begging messages. Just leave her alone and give her some space. I do think she is having an affair and the onus is on her to contact you. I made the mistake of ringing my ex husband constantly when he left me and it did no good. I lost all my self respect. Keep your dignity and self respect. talk to a friend on the phone about it or go out , anything that kills a bit of time but do not undr any circumstances contact her. I feel sure she will be back but while you are waiting do not behave in a desperate or needy manner. Try and stay calm and focussed and look after yourself.
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reader, Thomasman +, writes (6 September 2009):
Thomasman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter a sleepless night in the spare bedroom,I thought I might go for a run first thing,when I returned ( about an hour) she had gone,she returned at about five in the afternoon and ignored me,went straight upstairs packed a few things and walked out saying that she can't stand me anymore ?? I have just been staring at the wall for the last few hours wondering where it all went wrong
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reader, Thomasman +, writes (6 September 2009):
Thomasman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think your answers are ......touching and ( I can't find the words) REAL,yes, thats it.Firstly thank you so much for you wonderful quick answers,The annon answer was a wonderful insite,I feel sick thinking life without my wife,but the mistrust would do so much damage to us,I am just recovering from an evening with friends ( my wife's friends) and she has been overwelmimgly nasty/sarcastic to me all evening in front of these friends and it is so out of her normal self....we used to do so many wonderful things and have fantastic conversations together...I miss that person so much,she has now gone happily to bed without me,which six or seven weeks ago would have been unspeakable...Thank you all again for your comments and help TOM
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (5 September 2009):
Women have their secret lives. Some of it may involve infidelities, and some may involve emotional infidelities.
She may secretly fantasize about the guy at the gym, come home and give you great sex. She may also be getting great sex from both of you.
If she's denying there's anything there, there may be some truth to it.
Some women do philander either actually or emotionally. This gives them the thrill they need to spice up things when they want sex to be really good.
But the other guy, whether an actual lover or a fantasy lover, really doesn't mean much to her. She can take him or leave him, and frankly they often leave these guys.
As you said, she has a lot going for her in your marriage.
I am so sorry though that she criticized you for being an old guy. That, sorry to say, was a very cheap shot.
I think the best thing to do with her is find out what it is you can do for her to make her feel more secure in your relationship, and also what she can do to make you more secure knowing that you're the only one for her.
Its hard to do that when she thinks you invaded her privacy. However, I have to say, you didn't log onto her facebook, she left her laptop logged on. Or so you believe.
Who knows. I hate to say this but love in the internet age is turning life into a more complex and impersonal world.
People have online lives which resemble nothing of their real lives. And this concerns me a lot. I see a lot of questions here about people meeting prospective love interests by texting, email and facebook and so forth and its really a major concern. It seems actual interpersonal relationships are almost secondary.
So taking what I just said, its very possible that she's an online flirt but in real life, she's just getting some regular training at the gym. Who knows? Eventually she'll either fess up or its just going to have to be a mystery you can live with.
But in either event, I think if she'd wanted to hit the exit, she'd have been there already. You have the home court advantage. So use it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): I am sorry about what you are going through and the anguish it is causing you. As it happens I believe you are right to be suspicious and I do think your wife is up to something. I am the same age as your wife is now but when I was younger i did have an affair and maintained the sex with my husband infact the excitement of my wrong doings sadly spurred me on and I enjoyed sex more than ever. I can fully understand your desire to confront her and to confront the other man but I feel they are going to continue to deny their relationship. Once people are in cahoots and have stuck to their story there is very little you can do. I am a great one in trusting my gut and it has never let me down. The fact that she flew off the handle and turned her rage onto you calling you a stalker etc makes me very suapicious as deflecting your own guilt by turning it onto your partner is very common in those having affairs. They will try to turn the attention away from them by any means they can.
I don't really know how to help you but for me once the trust is broken it is very difficult to get it back. My second husband had an affair after 15 years of marriage and I could never get over it and we duly divorced. He lied all the time and covered his tracks and it turned me into a broken woman. For me and I am talking in hindsight but I now wish I had opened the door for him and sent him on his way as I hung on and on to the relationship and he didn't care at all. I became very very ill and depressed and I don't want you to have to go down this road. Do not plead with her or beg her to stay and do not lose your self respect. I am thinking of you.
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