A
male
age
,
*tonemason
writes:My wife and I separated for sexual reasons but recently got back together. I am satisfied and am happy about it because I love her. She loves me, too, even if sometimes she thinks she doesn't (calls me a "stick-in-the-mud." My wife is very nice-looking and gets lots of attention. I don't really mind and in fact I give her lots and lots of space. Emotionally, she needs lots of attention, I know but realize she needs me. Our sex life is good. The one thing I can't stand is this--she tries to make me jealous. I am embarrassed by this, not jealous. I don't mind her flirting because she needs to, but I do I mind when she does it in order to embarrass me. She has a pathological need to do this, I suppose. I don't get jealous. To me, it shows lack of respect and I'm simply embarrassed because other people, confused, look at me as if I should be controlling her. When she does this at gatherings, I immediately leave, handing her the car keys when my taxi arrives. I feel much better doing this than having a big scene or ending the marriage or arguing endlessly. Anyhow I'd like to know what other people think about the way I deal with this.
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male
reader, Stonemason +, writes (15 October 2010):
Stonemason is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for giving me ideas. About counseling we've already done that. The therapist thought I should understand how my wife needed and wanted attention and if it didn't bother me, I should go ahead and let her flirt and go right ahead and accommodate at home, if possible, her fantasies. I have done that and enjoyed it. But she has, it seems, this need to hurt and humiliate me. I take it that she has--to use Freudian psychobabble, a very prominent Oedipal problem. I am not jealous, as I've said. I liked the advice to "be more controlling," which I KNOW is the answer, but it seems to trivialize us by turning the whole thing into a "child psychology" problem. As for being romantic, I am truly affectionate, love her very much, am very attracted to her and demonstrate this as often as possible, take her out often (2+ times per week), and we take one or two long vacations a year in great places (ex. Rio de Janeiro, Miami Beach, Italian Riviera, etc.)
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (1 October 2010):
 I could be wrong, but from what I'm reading it sounds like she is the type who will respond very poorly to sitting down for a respectful discussion of the problem - poorly, as in she will get worse, then blame you for it. Some people just act as though life was a contest of wills, and trying to form a consensus through discussion is the wrong way to deal with them.
Instead, start being a little controlling! It doesn't have to be a huge scene - you don't have to rush in and yell at her, or fight any man who looks twice at her. Simply saying, "(wife's name), come here and (meet this person/look at this thing/dance with me)," then guide her there with your arm, gently pushing on her lower back. Try to anticpate her bad behavior and act before she starts flirting, rather than interrupting.
If she is flirting, you can move in, introduce yourself, say "I see you've met my wife," then shake his hand. Face the man with your head up and shoulders back, look him dead in the eye, and direct the conversation from there.
Anything along those lines is good - not forcing her to do anything, but leading her to do something specific.
This dominant behavior on your part is what she is hoping to stimulate when she flirts. It's not disrespectful, it's not making a scene, it's just slightly more dominant, traditional-male leadership, and it's what she's looking for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2010): Getting The Love You Want
A Guide For Couples
By: Harville Hendrix Ph.D.
This book was more insightful than any other relationship guide in my whole life. I also kept jumping in and out of relationships, only to finally realize, the problem. Well, the problem might not be them, it might be some of your reoccurring problems resurfacing. Check it out, your library might also have it on tape too.
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A
female
reader, juliefofulie +, writes (1 October 2010):
 I think you're dealing with it the only way you know how, and trying to avoid drama. No right or wrong there. But obviously ineffective in stopping the behavior, because it sounds like she WANTS drama.
She does it because she can. I'm going to guess that she wants you to tell her to stop. She wants you to take control of the situation. If you tell her to stop, it will show her (in her mind) you are paying attention and you care. You say, "The flirting is unacceptable; it's embarrassing and makes everyone uncomfortable, and you will stop this behavior now," much as you would have to scold a child. Your wife is behaving childishly and needs to be treated as such.
That's just my guess. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 October 2010):
 Oh this must be really really hard on you your poor man, of course you would be embarressed its like she is making a show of you in front of your friends. You really need to tell her how this is making you feel, its not natural to be flirting all the time. Tell her sometimes it really embarresses you, and maybe if she has a pathological problem ask her to get help for it, i know that may sound silly and un nessesary to some people but there are professionals out ther to help so ask her to get in contact with a counsellor. If she loves you enough she will do it for both of you. Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, xtatic_kid  +, writes (1 October 2010):
Its a horrible situation to be in. Your wife sounds like someone that needs a lot of attention. Perhaps she is not flirting to make you jealous but needs it to boost her own ego? Alternatively, she may just want a reaction out of you?
Have you talked to her about it? Does she dismiss it? Explain how it makes you feel and how you see it.
Women need romance, show her how much you appreciate her. Take her out to meals, buy her flowers. Small gestures that give her a bit of attention and show her that she is the apple you your eye, will really go a long way.
Marriage counselling may also help.
Good luck.
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