A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I don't know what to do about my situation. I'm 18 years old and going off to college in a little less than 5 months. I'm also involved in a long distance relationship with a slightly older guy (he's in his 20s)My mother hates it. And I never knew until last night. She always seemed supportive, she's helped me pick out gifts for him and she helped me schedule visits to go see him. Then last night she dropped a big bomb on me. She finds our age difference "obscene"...she's "100% not comfortable with the situation" and she is "deeply disturbed" by it.I've always been under the impression that since I'm 18 and moving out on my own in a few months, I'm finally in charge of my life. I make my own decisions and have to live with them, whatever the consequences may be. If I want to date this man, be "pining away for someone so far away" (in her own words), then that is my choice to make.Unfortunately my mother thinks I'm wasting away my teenage years being with him. She's told me repeatedly that if I still date him when I go off to college, I'll miss out on thousands of opportunities to date other guys. I'll not have the full college experience, etc.If she had told me these worries in a more calm and mature manner, I would've responded equally as calmly and explained my perspective on the situation. However, all she did was throw nasty words at me (obscene age difference, disturbing, etc) and caused me to get overly emotional and cry. This proved to her that I'm not mature enough to handle the situation on my own.I tried to tell her that I'm not missing any grand opportunities by being with him. I'm going to college, pursuing my dreams and looking forward to my future. He is not standing in the way of any of this. If there comes a time where I feel like I want to "experience other people my own age/location", then I'll deal with that when it comes.I just don't want to break up with him and spoil a good thing for reasons like this. Of course age gaps are hard, of course long distance is hard...but I am willing to give it a decent try. I just wish my mom would be more supportive and realize that I need to be in charge of my own life now. She gets upset that I can't talk to her, but the reason I can't is because she gets overly judgemental and non-supportive.I don't know what to do. It seems like either I have to lose my guy, or lose my mom's respect and support. I feel so alone in this.
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female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (18 March 2007):
 I must say it's kinda surprising your mother is so set against your relationship with this guy. If I had a daughter going off to college I would be much more worried about all the immature guys around her that would get her drunk and try to take advantage of her than some slightly older lad who is bothering to keep a long distance relationship with her.
So tell your judgmental mom to back off. If she wants you to have the full college experience she needs to let you make your own "mistakes" as well. I'm sure you're mature enough to handle most stuff that life will throw at you. Stand straight and hold your head high.
Don't quit your long distance relationship over this. If it wasn't meant to be, it won't work out. Only time can tell. But if you dump the guy because your mom said she was disgusted, you will always wonder what might have happened.
A
female
reader, Jynxy  +, writes (18 March 2007):
 I know what your going through, being in a long term relationship with a boy who is away at university, i understandesp as i have very strict parents. If it helps, your mum will come round to listening to you, i bet she finds it hard that you are strong and independant (i.e you don't need her so much now) and is fighting against that to find the little kid she remembers you as.Eventually she will see you as an indipendant person,however in the mean time, why don't ask if you, her and your partner can go for a meal together or something? then she will feel involved in your lifwe, and yet you still have control. Its a slight compromise that might work.
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A
female
reader, pain_at_heart +, writes (18 March 2007):
Ok, I have just joined this site, so i could post a comment about my horrendous situation I am in, and i came across yours. it sounded similar so i began to read. I totally understand how you feel, as I am pretty much in the same position as you, although I have allowed my mum to have the final say and I have told the guy i cannot date him, due to parental issues. I feel like my life has ended, and I do not really know how to help you, or advise you, but I thought it may make you feel slightly more comforted to know that you are by no means the only one out there in this situation, and that hopefully we could chat together about it, and try and help one another?
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