A
female
age
36-40,
*elientkchic2003
writes:Ok the short version of this...i am 22 years old... i have been dating this guy for about a year now. we live together but there are some issues...we both have mental issues (depression and stuff liek that) so that alone puts stress on our relationship... but the last realtionship i was in for 3 years..i lost my car to him and havent quite recovered... so i have no transportation to get a job..i did have one and bought my current b/f's old car from him but i dont have enough money to get it fixed right now so im kinda stuck..the main problem is the fact hes away to see his sister in NY for 4 days..and while he is gone im not allowed ot leave and go see my freinds...now i know hes controlling but i can be too...b/c he was friends with all his ex g/f and his ex wife...i didnt want him talking to him b/c they just wanna have sex with him... but a female friend...the reason he gave was "because she might make me do something bad and he doesnt know her..." (i used to be an alcholic and drug addict but havent been for awhile now) nor will he take the time to meet her. im just at my wits end..on top of that he looks at porn then deny's looking at it when i can find dates... and has naked pictures of his ex's and video's and ex wife he just "hasnt gotten around to getting rid of" but didnt put up a fight when i threw them away... im just at my wits end...im trapped in this house day after day talking to no one and not even cabs come near us b/c we live kinda in the mountains..so i cant get a cab even if i had money... im just about to snap..i already suffer from depression but this is just driving me insane...i lvoe hima nd i know he loves me and i know i can be controlling and jelouse sometimes...but i have reason to be after the last relationship i was in... hes a manager at a resuaraunt and works a good 60 hours a week or so and he does buy me food/drink/cigs as i need them but then uses the guilt trip of "he doesnt have to do any of this b/c hes not married"... i dunno what to do...i know hes looking out for my well being on not getting back into drugs and stuff b/c he was there once before...and liek i said i can be controlling but not liek he is... the only friends he has leaves random notes outside the door saying they wanna be with him etc etc even though he hasnt seen them in a year...liek obessivly and when i told him to tell them to stop..hes like oooo weve been friends for 10 years...im like so what? i just need help..someone to be unbiased and give an opion and let me know what i should do because im drowning right now...im about to lose it and i dunno if i should break it off or not...i do love him but he doesnt liek to be cuddly, hug or anything really... he likes us "hanging out" i dunno..please shed some light... PLEASE!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 September 2007):
 I know, that's what life really is about. What can I do today to benefit not only myself but who I chose to be around better. It's your life, you choose how to develop it. I started my development years ago, when I was a drunk, and had children, then I had to decide, if looking through their eyes, how would I be viewed. I wanted to be someone they could respect and look up to. It may have taken a while for a majority of the work I've done, but I've gone from being a drunk, to going into law, which next month, my degree is finished. I'm also going to be volunteering at a center and representing children in child abused homes in court.
I wish you a great future, and remember the past does not equal the future, we choose what tomorrow brings. Take care.
A
female
reader, relientkchic2003 +, writes (25 September 2007):
relientkchic2003 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyeah...guess i have something to work on : /
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 September 2007):
There's always hope, but there really has to be some serious changes made on both ends. You both need to stop treating each other with control and disrespect.
You both have had relationships in the past which were not too good. You now have a chance to start off new without the BS from the past, but instead you bring it with you defining this relationship, all ready creating distrust for each other, without giving a chance to earn the trust or distrust.
If you both don't take a real serious look at how things are going and change it, I don't see it lasting.
A relationship is suppose to be a beautiful bonding of two people, not a hell where you might do better not in it. People are not obligated to relationships, they are there by choice, and by choice they can bail. If it's not something that's beneficial, then it's time to move on. And they are not based on sex, sex is only an expression, not a definition of a relationship. I'll tell ya, after answering so many questions, I'd rather be home alone, maybe get a blow up doll, than be in most of these relationships.
All relationships start with respect. The saying also says a relationship without trust is not a relationship. What if you go into the relationship without the trust to begin with. Then you never really had a fair start to make things work.
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A
female
reader, relientkchic2003 +, writes (24 September 2007):
relientkchic2003 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthe only thing is that we are so much alike. We really are and that's what works. Most of the time, we know each other's mood and accept them for who they are. I know this isn't the healthiest relationship, but do you think it could ever work?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 September 2007):
Cheating is a choice. Don't let anyone give you any other excuse. I've heard so many. A girl I know walked in while a girl was going down on her husband, his reasoning "oh honey, it's not what it looks like." The funniest one I heard was where he said it was an accident, and she asked him if her legs were spread and he tripped and fell on top of her.
All though it's a choice, people can make that choice over and over again. What that tells me is this person has absolutely no respect for the person he's with or the relationship they are in.
You need to understand this. I know you've had a past, who gives a s * * t what your past is. It doesn't make you any less of a person, and does not justify anyone treating you poorly in a relationship. You are still a person and deserve respect from those you come in contact with. His behavior with you is extremely disrespectful. You've both disrespected the other person during the time of being together. I'm telling you, get out of it. You don't deserve this treatment. Don't just get into another one either. You still have some personal work to do, before you can expect yourself to be able to give yourself to a relationship.
I look at pain like this. If you've ever had an tooth ache and have had a root canal, that's what it's like the small pain that grows and grows. Every experience you have is stored in your subconscious. Your pain is located under a file called pain. If you don't take care of it, it grows, until it goes from the subconscious and starts peaking into the conscious mine. Then you have a new set of behaviors created that affects the way you do things, and it affects the relationships you are in. So carrying past pain in a relationship is giving that much less of you to the relationship, and it's taking away from who you are and who you can become.
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A
female
reader, relientkchic2003 +, writes (24 September 2007):
relientkchic2003 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the thing is i know he has cheated before in teh past..he told me he had...but he was on drugs and stuff now...so yeah i am still a bit worried b/c ive always heard the term"once a cheater..always a cheater"
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 September 2007):
Honestly if it was me I'd break it off. Neither one of you are ready for this relationship, and especially not to expect it to get better. You should never be controlled. He has not right to dictate what you can do and what you can't. Relationships are not a license or a right to control the behaviors of someone else. Trying to protect ourselves from being hurt, by controlling other people, always has the outcome of someone getting hurt. It's a technique THAT NEVER WORKS.
When you date someone, you are there because you choose to spend your time with them. If they violate your trust in the relationship, you can then choose not to spend time with them. You don't show distrust unless they have given you a reason too.
Now about you a bit. You said it in your question. You have some control issues based on a past relationship. Let me ask you this. This guy you are with, what did he have to do with what happened in your past? If nothing, than why are you predetermining he is going to treat you the same way? See you're not ready for this. You need to work on yourself, and your own self healing before you can give yourself to a relationship. You have brought the pain from your last one to this one and are infecting this one with that pain.
As far as his controlling behavior. Looking out for someone's best interest is supporting them, being there for them, helping them when needed, listening to them, but not controlling them. Control is control, that's all it is, it's a behavior that should not be present in a relationship. And being banded from visiting friends, NO he can't tell you not to. That's something in its self that says, it's time to go.
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