A
male
age
36-40,
*romiker
writes:Im done trying to get her to write me back I have got rid of every thing that I use to have on the internet facebook,just.in,youtube,msn etc.. Im just done she emailed me today like in the moring IN was saying how we need to keep in tuch well yeah! sure wooo you know my number and you can call me any time. But know you want to keep in touch by the email when you can call me up I mean I know its long distance but dam we can talk to each other for free any time? Now why is she writeing me and not calling me why probly because she has a bf or is dateing some one she says she is not in her email. But I dont know why is she only writeing me email and not calling me when she can?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): its obvious that she is emailing because she is seeing sum1 else. Believe me, i knw this from experience..i totally will walk away on this one, take my advise, u will only end up with a broken heart and a handful of lies in the end......good luck
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (14 September 2010):
Hi there. As she is so far away and it's not possible to see her you really need to get on with your life.
You are carrying a torch for her because you liked her so much before she left town. It's a safe place to be at the moment, only because it's familiar. Change is hard, but sometimes it is necessary to make changes, to find true happiness - which you deserve.
You still haven't said if she has left for good.
You really do need to get out and about more and don't keep waiting around for her - which you are definitely doing at the moment.
Please try to do that what I mentioned in my last posting, either:-
(1) Get someone else in your household to answer the call on your behalf and tell her you're out.
OR
(2) Answer the call yourself, if no-one else is there at the time, and be friendly to her but say you are about to go out really soon, then cut the call short soon after.
It does seem like she at least is partly moving on, by saying she is going to a gym regularly and some guy she works out with (which could develop into something eventually), so that is a good incentive to you to do the same.
She keeps calling you because she still has some feelings for you, but is also seeing what happens with this new male friend at the gym that she speaks about - to see where that goes.
She is keeping all her options open. She's met him, and at the moment he's a friend. She's also got you, back in her home town, who she keeps in contact with - just in case this new guy doesn't come to anything.
You are taking a gamble on the idea that she might come back into town again some day, and that you and her might magically just continue from where you left off. It is a bit of a gamble, as you really don't know what sort of relationship she has with this new guy.
You never know, she might end up marrying him! We really can't know this yet. The worst case scenario, you might keep waiting and waiting and hoping, then one day she rings you (in one of her many, many calls), and says - "Guess what? I just got engaged!" How would you feel then? This is exactly what I'm getting at. Time stands still for no-one. The clock keeps on ticking. Things change, people change and things happen. There's no way to gauge what might happen next, it's completely unpredictable.
You just can't let her phone calls to you, run your life. That's what is happening at the moment. You go to work, then come home and sit around biding your time, till she calls again - to make your day. Then once again, you are happy for a while - till you are waiting for her next call (and IF she feels like calling).
It's like you have put your whole life on hold while you wait for her to make up her mind about you. It seems she hasn't made up her mind yet. She's probably trying to work out what she really wants from her life. So in the meantime, she's just living it and seeing how it all pans out.
It would be the wisest thing right now, for you to do that also.
While ever you are waiting around for her to call you, your life is being dictated by her. Or rather, you are allowing it to happen without realizing it. You are also sacrificing many happy experiences for yourself by contininuing to live this way. She has you on the end of a string - like a marionette (a puppet). She pulls the strings this way or that, and you move or act appropriately.
You need to be assertive from now on. You are doing all the compromising here. She's not doing any compromising at all. She's making sure that you are the one meeting all her needs (by being there when she calls).
You are in a deep rut which has become a habit for you. You can change that, but only you can do it. You can't allow yourself to be taken for granted any longer. You have to gain some self-respect.
If you don't move on and make a real life for yourself soon, you'll find that you will be living this way forever, completely dependent on what she wants! Because you are there at her beck and call. She hopes that you will be there whenever she calls you, (and you always are), so she's happy that you're waiting or her, just in case this other guy doesn't work out. So you are a reliable back-up. It's pretty convenient for her. She's not taking any risks at all, PLUS she's not missing out on any fun in her life either. She's not giving up a thing.
On the other hand, you are giving up everything. The chance to meet another nice girl and perhaps over time, settle down with her. I really believe you are being seriously used by this past girlfriend. You deserve much better than that. You have to believe in yourself, and demand more from life than this.
Good Luck with it. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (14 September 2010):
Hi there. As she is so far away and it's not possible to see her you really need to get on with your life.
I guess you are carrying a torch for her because you liked her so much before she left town.
You still haven't said if she has left for good.
You really do need to get out and about more and don't keep waiting around for you - which you are definitely doing at the moment.
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A
male
reader, promiker +, writes (14 September 2010):
promiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Thanks yea this helps a lot. Well it was cool we talked again last night. I made a jtv account again last night in I emailed her saying hey just made a jtv page you schould come check it out. And with in 5 mins she was on my page talking to me. Yeah I went to move in with her but things did not work out because of her fam did not like me. We have been going out for 2 yrs now but just the past month she has not called me at all I dont know why. She says she just wants to start her live over because Im gone in we where fighting a lot over the phone. I dont know though she has been going to the gym more and she all ways is talking about this guy she is working out with named chirs. I dont know if she likes him or not but I hope not. She is saying that she works out with him at the gym in stuff but she says she has no bf or wants a bf yet. And that she gave her phone number to him in stuff. I think she is just tryng to play me with that in its just some guy she meet at the gym. I dont know what to do I want her back In she only calls me at night in not the day time any more I want to talk to her more what should I do?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (14 September 2010):
Hello again. How long is she going to be away?
You say you would like to get back with her again. What sort of relationship did you have with her before she left? Was there any talk between you, of getting serious?
It does seem like you are living your whole life waiting for her to call. Why do that? All that's doing is tormenting you.
She's calling all the shots and you are letting her, by being there to take her calls. And of all nights - Saturday night, when most young people would be out socializing.
Unfortunately, there is nothing to be gained by these phone calls, as you can't see each other because it's too expensive. The situation can't be changed, unless she decided to move back into town again.
She's definitely calling to see if you're home. When you answer, she then feels ok because she knows you're not out with someone else. That's about the strength of it really.
As it seems that at the moment you can't be together, it would be wise to get on with your life. In the meantime, just don't be so available to her. Don't be there when she calls. Especially on Saturday nights. Alternatively, get someone else to answer the call on your behalf, and say - "He's gone out, and I don't know when he'll be back. Could I take a message?" - and don't add anything further. If she says to them - "where to?" - say, "just out".
If no-one else is at home who could take the call for you, just say hello and very quickly add, that you can't talk for long, as you are about to go out really soon. Even if you aren't going to go out (she's not to know that), and then end the call - within 5 minutes. In doing this, don't be angry or upset, be calm and respectful. This will let her know that you are not just going to sit around waiting for her.
And when she does call you, always say that your life is great and things are going fine, make it all sound very upbeat. If when she calls you, you sound all sad and like you're missing her, she then knows that you are pining your heart out over her. Don't do that. It brings her some satisfaction to know that you are there waiting for her. Don't let your sadness show, try the best you can to be happy, cheerful and positive. But don't tell her anything.
She might be a bit less inclined to call if she knows you're not missing her so much. Because the truth is, you don't really know if she will EVER come back into town again, do you?
It looks like she's going to be doing this - calling then not calling - as long as she's away. She's kind of keeping her past relationship with you "On Hold", just to make sure you are going to still be there when she returns again in future. If she didn't still care for you, she wouldn't be still calling.
What she is doing is keeping you in tow, so that when she returns to your town or state again, because she's kept contact all that time, you two can get together - almost as if she never left.
No, she's not using you. She's just making sure that you will be available when (and if) she returns.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, promiker +, writes (13 September 2010):
promiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah your right on that I dont think she has a boyfriend. She told me she is not realy looking for a boyfriend right now. So she called me up sat night again but she did not call me at all sunday in she wrote me saying sry I was to buzzy on sunday to call you. I think that is a bunch of crap that she could not call me up on sunday when she said sat that she had nothing to do? Is she playing with me or does she want to talk again. I just dont get why she calls me up some nights in the other days she does not? In she fell a sleep on the phone with me friday and sat night in sat night she was hav a sleep in said that she has dreams about me in stuff all the time in some times its hard for her to sleep in I think thats why she does not sleep some times. So what is going on with that? she has not called me up for a month now Im just lost in looking for some thing I guees. Should I just move on with my life or should I try for her because I realy want her back in my life.?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (7 September 2010):
Hi again. I guess it depends on who broke up with who and for what reason.
If she broke up with you because she was moving away to further her study, then she must still like you and you like her as well.
If you broke up because you didn't get along, that's a different story.
It all comes down to asking yourself the question - "What do I feel for her now?" You need to be honest when you ask this question. Also, try to remember back to what it was like between you, leading up to when she broke it off then moved away.
In any case, she sounds like she is unsure of what she wants now. Certainly, a relationship in these circumstances would be impossible as you can't see each other. It's just not an option. Too expensive to travel, takes too much time, and very inconvenient.
Why is she blocking you from calling her? Did you have a fight with each other before she moved away?
On what grounds was the parting - was it friendly? Or was it left up in the air without a proper goodbye and stating that it was over.
Perhaps just don't go into msn anymore, that way you won't know what she has said or that she has sent you a message.
If you continue to visit msn, you are getting yourself into a situation where you know you will get anxious and upset. So the best tactic really is to avoid it altogether. Then you won't get the negative consequences that come with it. Because it's clear that you really don't know where you stand with her now.
It seems very unclear as to what her intentions are. You have to break out of this cycle as it's almost a type of self-abuse, as you know how you feel after it happens. It's become a habit for you. You've got yourself into a rut and that rut is getting deeper and deeper, to the point where eventually you'll look up and you can't even see the light above anymore.
You deserve to be happy and putting your life on hold for her is not going to make you happy. You already know that.
She probably doesn't have a boyfriend, because if she did, why would she continue to send you messages? There would be no need.
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A
male
reader, promiker +, writes (6 September 2010):
promiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey it's me just got a nother email from her on msn again. I was wondering why do you think she keeps on writeing me on msn? I mean she blocked me on every thing but msn even block me from calling her but why is she still writeing me on msn think she still thanks about me.?
ps thanks for all your answers!!!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 September 2010):
Hello again. Another thing I just thought of that I feel I must share with you.
From reading your posting, it seems that originally you were living in the same town and were in a relationship together and were quite happy.
Then over time, her circumstances changed and she moved away probably to further her education. To further your education is a really good thing, as it shows a person is following their dreams.
Because she knew it would be impossible to keep the relationship going in a long distance situation, she decided to break it off. My guess is she did this because she didn't feel it was fair for her to expect you to wait around for her and put your whole life on hold in the meantime - hoping that one day she might suddenly come back into town to live there again.
The reason why she keeps texting you, is she probably feels a bit guilty by leaving and feels sorry for you, because the breakup hurt you, so is trying to make it up to you by saying she wants the best for you. I honestly believe she does not realize what it is doing to you. She is not trying to hurt you, as her texts to you are positive. It's more that by her sending you text messages, she is actually prolongong the agony and preventing you from really moving on with your life. It's just that she is unaware of this. She's not moving on either.
If it was not for these text messages, you would be doing more stuff with your life. Because each time she does text you, it's like giving you a glimmer of hope that it's still on. This is not intentional either. She obviously wants to still be friends with you.
The real likelihood is that she might be gone for quite a few years! That's a long time. A lot can happen in that time.
This is something you need to consider.
In the meantime, go out and enjoy yourself instead of sitting at home moping about what could have been.
In time, she might well come back into town and you two might get together. You both might have had a few other relationships in between. You can't gamble on that happening.
If you are meant to be together you will be. But in the meantime just enjoy yourself and have fun.
Take care and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 September 2010):
Hello again. Every time you answer her text messages, you play right into her hands.
It's sort of cat and mouse. The main thing is there is no point to keeping contact with each other. Now that you are not together anymore.
Any type of electronic contact is just like being a couple of pen pals and nothing more. It serves no purpose as you no longer see each other.
Don't even bother with those chat sites. They are limited in what they can do. The reason being, that you can't count on the person at the other end sitting at their computer when you are. It's a bit hit and miss. Then when you are waiting for an answer from them, you have to wait for when they have the time and decide to go onto their computer to find their messages, so they can then answer.
If you really want to keep in contact with your friends, call them on the telephone and when you can, go and see them - in person. Nothing beats face to face contact.
Besides, you and this ex girlfriend, don't even live close to each other. Because of long distance, you are never likely to bump into each other in the street anyway. Just cut all off contact with her. Don't answer her texts anymore or she will keep texting you. It's obviously making you upset and angry every time she sends you a text, so why put yourself through all that? Surely you deserve better.
The next time she sends you a text - don't open it, just delete it without even reading it. Then you won't even know what she has sent you. Consequently, you won't be angry and upset again.
Each time she sends you a text message, do this. After a few unanswered texts, she will give up I'm sure. Even if she sends you 50 texts (over a week or 2), still DON'T text her back. It might take a while, but eventually she will get the message and will stop texting you altogether.
Each time you text her back, you are actually encouraging her to send you more. So do yourself a favour, just don't go there! You will feel good about yourself if you stay strong. Believe me, it's in your best interest.
If you don't stop answering her text messages, you will never be free of her. I'm quite sure you see that for yourself.
Please think about this very carefully. You can see how the whole situation is making you very unhappy and it's preventing you from moving on with your life in a productive way. Who would ever want this for themselves?
Just make a decision to break all contact with the ex as of this minute, and you will never look back.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): "I'm done with my ex" - uh, what's you POINT? She's an EX! Be done with her! Move on, heal and go on to find an girl.
There is NO law that says we have to be freinds with our ex's. Social networking has confused this, but you need distance from failed relationships and NOT have to be surrounded by a dozen women who once liked you and now not so much...
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A
male
reader, promiker +, writes (5 September 2010):
promiker is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell this is crap she just wrote me again on msn. In said she just wants the best for me in what ever made me happy in she can not do any thing because she is a long ways of way. Well why are you writing me still if you dont want nothing to do with me I mean I know I reply back to her the other night I just dont get that she does not want me in stuff Im done trying so pissed off!
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A
female
reader, Morrissey-fan  +, writes (5 September 2010):
Well if she has a new bf then calling you would be a bit of an argument starter.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (5 September 2010):
Hi there. I am a bit confused. You call her your ex and yet she apparently wants to keep contact with you still.
Why does she want to do that if you aren't together anymore?
I notice you say this is or was a long distance relationship, has this "long distance" only just happened, or was it always long distance?
In any case, as you are no longer together, I would strongly suggest that you don't let yourself be strung along like this. It seems like she is trying to call all the shots. You take the reigns for once.
You are much better off making a clean break and just get on with your own life. Get back in touch with your friends and start going out and having some fun and enjoying life more. Try to make it as interesting and exciting as you can from now on, and add some variety to it as much as possible.
Perhaps start exercising a bit, go for 30 minute walks about 3 times a week. The fresh air is very invigorating and will get the feel-good chemicals flowing in the brain. You'll feel great and very relaxed as well. You will also sleep more soundly. Try out some new hobbies and interests. In short, make your life as full as it can be.
Whatever you do, don't be in any hurry to find another girlfriend just yet. There's plenty of time for that to happen. Rebound relationships are never a good idea. Give yourself some breathing space before you even think about getting into another relationship. Go out with your mates a couple of nights a week. Don't drown your sorrows with too much alcohol. Perhaps go and see a sports match that you enjoy, barracking for your favourite football team or favourite baseball team. Anything at all.
If and when you do meet some nice young ladies, just make friends with them first and keep it light and very casual. Find out what common interests you both share and just see how it goes over time. Don't try and force things to happen too soon. All in good time.
The main thing is, don't fret over this last lady. You deserve better than that. Don't try to contact her by any of these internet chat sites and don't even text her on her mobile phone. And DON'T phone her either. Even if she tries to contact you. If she texts you, don't answer it. Just move on from it altogether. Make your life from now on, the best it can be. Believe in yourself, you'll move forward in your life in leaps and bounds and you will never look back.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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