A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't even know when to begin...it's like every time I try I somehow get used. My troubles started four girls ago and yet somehow I haven't learned my lesson. Let me tell you about myself; I'm twenty-three, college graduate, and living at home. I work a decent wadge, have a car, don't drink, don't do drugs, stay pretty much in the clear of the law. I like fitness and am in shape, unlike most the guys out there. At work this girl began working right next to my department and at first I paid no attention to her despite my co-workers enthusiasm about me chatting her up. The first contact she made with me and I didn't do anything to initiate it. Slowly we began to get acquainted with each other, having our lunches and measuring each other up. When we began this she never spoke about her boyfriend but I knew through another co-worker she had one. Around Valentines day he broke it off with her for unknown reasons so I did what any guy would do, I started to chat with her more. After two months she asked for my number, once again with out my suggestion. We texted back and fourth for awhile until one day she suggest we should start going out places together. This leads up to this week which makes me wish I never spoke a word to her. I went to work and we where the same with each other, laughing, and enjoying each others company. Since I worked the morning shift , I took a nap to rest up for the proceeding gym session like I normally do. When I awoke a text from her saying, "X told me you had asked about my personnel life, and I have a boyfriend. It's okay if you don't want to be friends anymore" appeared. She strung me along this whole time just to wait to get back with her ex-boyfriend and casually threw me to the side like nothing. This has happened before and I'm fed up with women, no longer wanting contact with any of them. They say men are the cruel perpetrators of the world but I highly disagree. The methodical preying and dissection of a mans heart by a women is the most painful sting a heart can bare. If I could block every woman from existence from myself in a heartbeat I would. Throughout all this I still have to work with her and I'm just so lost as to what the next step of my life is. I'm completely done dating and what no part of being another woman's chew toy. Please give me some guidance as how to proceed without these horrible people. Thank You for reading.
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at work, co-worker, drugs, her ex, living at home, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnonymous, I find it rather amusing you turned my dilemma against me as if I should be shamed of myself for being a man. What statistic are you talking about? Are you meaning world statistics, third world countries, developed countries...? It's obvious you just want to skew statistics in your favor since you provided none. A man can be subjected to all those things you listed just as I was sexually abused (by a woman I might add) when I was 4. Guess what my case isn't a reported case just as there are many boys and men who's situations aren't brought to light. I listed those attributes to show off how well together I am in life and unlike most men who don't track their health destroying their bodies with poison. In no way did I refer to anything about sex and in no way is that relevant to my situation. I'm perturbed of the disregard of my life and I should feel ashamed of feeling this way according to you. Shame on me for being a man, Shame on me!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2014): "They say men are the cruel perpetrators of the world but I highly disagree. The methodical preying and dissection of a mans heart by a women is the most painful sting a heart can bare."Classic case of someone becoming misogynistic because relationships don't go their way. Let's put things into perspective. If the worse thing a woman can do is break a guy's heart or lead him on or whatever (compared to high rape statistics, domestic abuse, child abuse, human trafficking cases), then you really need to sort out your worldview. "I'm twenty-three, college graduate, and living at home. I work a decent wadge, have a car, don't drink, don't do drugs, stay pretty much in the clear of the law. I like fitness and am in shape, unlike most the guys out there."I find it interesting you have to state all this and then you add "unlike most guys out there." This indicates some level of jealousy and resentment that women date guys who aren't as "in shape" as you. Others have told you not to lump all women together. One, two, three, or a dozen individual experiences with women does not warrant a blanket statement on an entire sex. I guess if you don't want to be a woman's chew toy, then don't interact with them beyond a courteous level. Just interact with them only as necessary for the situation. Maybe you should join the Men's Right Activist, spew your hate for women, how they do horrible things to a man's, see women only has evil monsters or sexual objects....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 June 2014):
 Been there done that (though I got fed up with men) I took a good 2 YEARS of dating, focused on my family, friends, art and myself. It was actually a good 2 years. Except I DID miss the intimacy you can have with a partner (not just the sex but EVERYTHING that goes with being with someone).
When I met my now husband it was at the end of those 2 years and I was still in the NO WAY I'll EVER date again, men are just not worth it attitude. And you know what... He worked hard to win me over, to show me that I couldn't regard ALL men under one umbrella. I couldn't stereotype a whole gender.
That.... was almost 19 years ago. We have been married for almost 17 YEARS.
So never say never. But TAKE a break. And like Auntie Chigirl said, DO NOT CRAP WHERE YOU EAT! DO NOT DATE at your JOB.
Enjoy a break, but do NOT let bitterness over someone ELSE actions make you into a BITTER and ANGRY guy. Because then you will be not only alone, but alone, bitter and angry. And that... is just sad.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 May 2014):
 Let me tell you, we've all been there. All women have been at a point where they say they give up men and dating, and all men I presume have gone through a phase of saying they want nothing more to do with women.
The anger you feel is towards her though, not really towards all women. Because just like YOU are not like all other men, she's not like all other women. But for the time being, it's allowed to be angry and frustrated. Get it out of your system, rant, scream, yell, think ugly thoughts. And then, once you've gone through that, you will slowly start to normalize, and women wont be so bad any more.
Only next time, you've learned the lesson. Ask directly if you're unsure about a girls relationship-status. I think it does sound like this girl was stringing you along while waiting to get back with her ex. Or maybe she was in a relationship all along. But then again, some girls are dumb like that, gullible and naive, and honestly think men want to be friends. Because girls like to be friends with boys, and some never learn that boys do not want to be just friends with girls (unless there's no attraction what so ever).
I just think that next time you should try to be more direct in your approach, more flirtatious, or more obvious about your intentions. Or just directly ask what her relationship status is.
And, no more chatting up co-workers. Because if/when it goes bad, you still have to see them and talk to them. Don't shit where you eat, as they say. Don't date at work. Unless the girl is particularly amazing and worth the risk.
As for your list of attributes, I don't understand why you wrote that. Whether you work out or not, have a car or not, is in no way relevant to any of this. You are a person, first and foremost, and you are more than the sum of your attributes. Who you are can not be listed up or summarized like you try to at the beginning of your post. The essence of you are is somewhere in between all those attributes.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (31 May 2014):
Maybe you got used, but to say you're overreacting would be an understatement. Figuring out women takes a long time for some people, and some people just have bad luck.
I honestly believe you need counseling. Thinking all women are vile and swearing them off because of your limited experience is identical to thinking all black people are degenerates and joining the kkk because you had bad experiences with a few.
I've been hurt by women too, but instead of having women I tell myself I was with the wrong one and I use that experience to find one that's better for me. So far, each relationship I've had has been better than the last.
I do understand wanting to be single for awhile, I think that's normal and even healthy. Try that and see how you feel in a year or so.
One more thing. If this experience is an indication of how you deal with women, letting them do all the work because you're too afraid to get rejected, then it's no wonder you've been having problems. Your lack of action is likely sending signals that tell the women you're not really interested.
And for future reference, people fresh out of their relationships are usually not the best people to date.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2014): You are only twenty-three with a long life-journey ahead of you. Sometimes we get a rocky start in the romance department. That can be really discouraging when you are the type of fellow who is easy-going and generally good-natured.
You're really too young to be jaded by your limited experience with women. You've only had relationships with four. Yes, people do break your heart. These experiences will also make you tougher and wiser. You also learn what not to do to other people, because you gain empathy through suffering.
I know what it feels like to get my heart-broken. I lost a partner who died. I waited many years before really seeking another relationship; and when I finally did. I got dumped ten months later. Hey, that's how life goes. I can't stop death, and the person who dumped me just wasn't the right one for me. I still have life ahead of me, so a few bumps in the road will not end my journey. I will continue on and just enjoy the company and companionship. I will learn as I go, and so should you. Your heart will mend. You will be even smarter; because you now know what makes and breaks a relationship. You know have the experience to know what red-flags to look for; and you've matured by allowing yourself to commit. It doesn't work sometimes, but you get better at it with practice.
You will not go through life without disappointment or suffering. You're human, and you're dealing with other human beings. We all have faults. Just like yourself, the young women you are dealing with are young and inexperienced. They are just now learning what life is about, and they are making some dumb decisions. Unfortunately, they are hurting someone else in the process. They will certainly get what's coming to them; because what goes around, comes around.
You were not wise to go after a woman who has only recently broke-up with a guy. You have to own some responsibility for that mistake. The young woman hardly had time to get-over her ex, and from your own experience you know it might take longer than a couple of months. You say she initiated it all; but you had the option to back away.
You're not too young to know what a female on the rebound is like. We learned that in our teens. She was seeking comfort and was vulnerable to some degree; so she used you as a "painkiller." That happens sometimes. You went willingly, she didn't twist your arm. So it didn't work out, you knew she has a boyfriend. Seriously, what did you expect only two months after a breakup?
You are certainly not going to go celibate and avoid women the rest of your life. That's your anger and cynicism talking. You're venting your frustrations here, which is good. You were seeking advice to put you back on track, and give you a better perspective. See, this awful experience has given you a thoughtful approach to getting through it.
You want us to tell you how wrong you are for being so negative; and you need the wisdom of others who have already been where you are.
Let this work itself out of your system. Do not blame the whole gender for the only few women you've had bad experiences with. They are only trial relationships that prepare you for something better. You don't just give up. You get up, dust yourself off, and you plot a better game
plan. You don't get jaded because that will make you more of a jerk; than creating a better man of yourself. Life is going to kick you in the ass a few times. If you survive and learn from overcoming these obstacles, life will reward you. It will make you smarter, give you better tools to survive, and you will meet the right person to bring you the love that you deserve.
Place your feelings on hold for a while. You're now under repair, and reconstruction is underway. You're not in the frame of mind to be dealing with romance.
Once your ready, continue to date without attaching your heart so quickly. Enjoy being with women and allow yourself to learn more about them, and about life. You made a few bad choices due to your own inexperience. They're not all to blame.
Enjoy being young and having a variety of choices. That my friend, will give you a more positive outlook; and will give you a much better approach to life. Don't get angered by a few stupid people. You're always going to run into them. Just make sure you don't become one of them by being so easily discouraged.
In a few weeks, you'll shrug your shoulders and wonder why you were so pissed off. You'll think about the words of wisdom that the aunts, uncles, and I have offered you. You'll realize that life ain't always a bed of roses when it comes to love; but being so young you have so much to look forward to.
This planet is populated with billions of people. There is no way you can't find anyone right for you. If you give up, some wonderful young woman who has been searching for you will be passed by. While you grow older and bitter, and let a handful of bad relationships beat you down. I know you're stronger than that. So do you. You're just feeling grief, and it makes you think all sorts of crazy things about your life. By this time next week, you probably wont feel the same. Take some time off from dating if you must,
you need an attitude adjustment.
You shouldn't date until you've repaired your feelings and sorted things out. Remember that these ladies were your choices. You sometimes strike out, but eventually you'll hit a home-run. You're not perfect, and you're capable of mistakes. You may hurt someone too. You would want to be forgiven when you do. So you have to exercise your sense of logic and do some introspection. Heal your heart and shake it off.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (31 May 2014):
 I sympathize with you, it does sound like you got used. You were the nice guy who she could turn to while waiting for the ex to come back. Please don't think for a minute though that only guys get hurt ok? Thats so far from the truth! We ladies get hurt just as much as the men. Read on here for awhile..you'll see.
I have had my heart crushed to the point where I don't care if I EVER date again, so I totally understand what you are feeling. At this point in my life, I don't even like men. One bad experience can scar a person for life if allowed to do so.
What you need to keep in mind is...you knew the girl had a boyfriend, and you knew they broke up. Its NEVER wise to get involved with someone who is 1. with someone or 2. just broke up with someone. That person isn't usually totally over their ex, and they will latch onto someone else just to get over the ex. You were that guy.
Give yourself time to heal. The hurt is new, its a fresh open wound. You're hurt disappointed and angry. Work through those feelings. It will take time but eventually you'll feel better. Be selective who whom you go after. If the girl has a boyfriend, stay away. If she just broke up, stay away. Don't put yourself in a situation where you are easily hurt or used.
As far as work, if at all possible ask to on shifts where the girl doesn't work so you don't have to see her. If that's not possible, perhaps change jobs?
Be good to yourself, do things that make you happy. Look out for yourself, don't put your heart out there so easily where someone can stomp all over it. And don't date again until you are ready. Some of us heal more slowly than others. That's ok too.
Its going to take time, but you'll be ok. You sound like a nice guy. There's a nice girl out there for you. I promise.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (31 May 2014):
 Op you have a real downer on women right now!! I think you need a sense of perspective. Its not like she robbed you blind and stole your kidney ;-)
You knew this girl had just split from her boyfriend so why get involved? She was clearly on the rebound and wanted someone to make her feel good, give her company and make her feel wanted until either she moved on from her ex or got back with him. She wanted SOMEONE at that moment, rather than YOU in particular.
If you keep attracting, and indeed being attracted to, women who have just come out of a relationship, or have yet to move on from an EX then its time for a different approach.
You say you didn't chat up this woman, is that typical of you in general? Do you chat up girls or get to know them and show them that you are a decent, caring guy in the hope it will develop naturally? I used to be the latter and you know what? I always attracted girl with issues, problems, rebound or ex issues....I always got hurt!
They saw my more relaxed, less flirty and more considerate approach as a sign that i'm a good listener, a decent chap who can be good company and a supportive fellow. In their time of need they latched onto me and enjoyed having a nice guy listen to them, pay them compliments and give them a boost. I was the pleasant chap women turned to when they were down, when they wanted a sensitive man to understand them. They were all over me and couldn't get enough, until their ex came back or they had solved their problem and suddenly I was basically told close the door quietly on the way out of their life.
It took me a long, long time to work out I was the problem. I was attracted to and attracting girls on the rebound or girls with issues. I was a sticking plaster, a temporary fix.
Another piece of advice: don't get involved with people you work with, especially if they have only just split forma boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (31 May 2014):
 Hi,
I think if you have come to this point, then it is as you describe time to take a break. The length of that break is entirely up to you.
I would just not look for a relationship, but don't be against the idea. I have male friends who have been dumped upon by women since school.
He sees it as he is weak, and so the powerful women who want things seem to target him. I have told him a few times, that it is just that he needs to guard his heart a little more.
I think, you could use that advice too. Are they targeting you because they see you as an easy target?
I know, you will get women on here defending that women don't do that kind of thing. Unfortunately, you and my friend can't be the only two men in the world this happens to.
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